Jack Bauer is Dead: The Final 24. AI Wrap-up 2/15/06
So tonight we cut from 44 to 24 and since we haven't been allowed to see the majority of these people sing, it's a bit difficult to say if they were robbed or we were spared further performances.
Our flight attendant, Miss Seacrest, begins our tour in Pasadena. Already, he's put me to sleep. We see a succession of nameless folks, beginning with some black guy who actually LOOKS like that cartoon rat Paula loves to mention so often and ending with some girl who says- "If today doesn't work out, then my music career is kaput." Finally- someone willing to face facts. She should have a chat with several seasons worth of Top 12 losers. Perhaps TPTB could hire her as a motivational speaker to transition those poor unfortunates from has-been to completely anonymous.
Now Ryan is explaining how an elevator works, then how to walk across the floor, and finally, how to sit in a chair. Umm, Ryan, my nose needs blowing but I'm not quite sure what to do with this thing they call a tissue. Can you help a brutha out?
In quick succession, the judges cut:
Jessica Santos (who?)
Bobby Bullard (who?)
Brooke Barretsmith (Simon decided he'd rather stare at the fit model's tits)
Nick Whitten
Stephanie White
and then we see them all cry and Jessica Santos mumbles something about God opening a window when you get locked out of the door or something she read from her fortune cookie while dining at the Universal Citywalk the night before.
Crystal Stark rides up the elevator and we actually get to see her sing for once. She does Rose Royce's Wishing On a Star. Oh Mariah- what have you wrought? So many really awful girl singers who think that all they need to do is caterwaul and add flubber to every third note and they'll sound good. Crystal, you SUCK. But since they showed her, I'm assuming she's going through. Aaaaaand- no. She's been cut. Well, something tells me that's the last gift the judges will give me this evening, but the night is still young.
Did anyone notice that Bobby Dillard and Bobby Bullard not only looked identical (like the grandfather of Maurice White from Earth Wind & Fire- 28 my ass!) but were also dressed identically?
I officially despise Katharine McPhee. From her fake bullshit outrage for Crystal not getting through in order to garner more airtime (yes, she was upset, but not THAT upset, as he so genuinely put it when pressed by Seacrest) to her acting like RPS were her new best friends after finding out she made it through, to her soliliquy about nothing on the elevator ride down, this girl is working me. Oh yes, let's talk about the singing. I'm not 100% certain, but it's probably a good bet that when Rodgers and Hart wrote My Funny Valentine, they didn't intend it to contain quite so many syllables. Or for it to have its last few notes throttled by the neck so savagely. I'm telling you, this chick is Mrs. Anwar Robinson- she mangles the meat of the song, then bludgeons the audience into submission with some power notes at the end. HATE HER. She exits the elevator and receives a half hearted standing ovation, probably out of relief that someone finally made it through than for her ability.
Next up- Ace. We're treated to a montage of Ace's Hollywood week and he sails through pretty easily, his only problem being which song to choose for the last audition. He must know how fucking beautiful he is because he chooses the clunker "She's Out of My Life." And so the judges build in some fake bullshit tension before stating the obvious. But Ace takes it in stride rather coolly, unlike Katharine McPhee, who just grabbed a Mexican janitor and is describing the contour of Randy's lips as he attempts to pull away from her and finish cleaning the men's room.
More cuts:
Antonio Bridges (who?)
Eugenia Littlejohn, the "kaput" girl, who is working some bling-assed two-toned mani. Paula actually recites from the page under her "Honey, you're 26 years old, your dream is not over." Way to go, Paula, really sell that pep talk! Eugenia knows better, though. She's a babymomma who's pushing middle age in singer years. Randy looks surprised at her response and someone winds the key in Paula's back, which enables her to rise and walk over to give Eugenia a hug.
Robert Bennett, who I don't remember ever seeing, but now strikes me as a gay, asian Mr. Mooney from The Lucy Show. (Try it, picture him saying- "UhhhhYeeeeeeesssssssss?") makes it through.
Mandisa Handley is class all the way. I love her and her double-wide ass and beautiful voice and I am so happy she's through.
And we're back with the first huge time waster of the evening... a montage of people..... sitting. I smell Emmy.
Melissa McGhee is in the hot seat. She's through to the next round only because the judges hadn't seen the outfit she's sporting, a combination gypsy tablecloth and turqouise one piece from 1981.
Mark Adam Locklear (who?) gets cut. Kinda difficult to muster sympathy for people who we;ve never laid eyes on before.
Irene Cara, I mean, Lisa Tucker is next and they are doing a mini-profile on her which means she's through. She sings something, no idea what it is and Simon gives her this bullshit about being concerned about her young age. How many times is he gonna pull this old chestnut out? Plenty of 16 year olds have been through this, plus the girl has already performed professionally. Lisa's mother looks to have been a very young babymomma. So that's how Fantasia managed to sell 1.8 million copies of that piece of crap CD.
Now we follow David Radford, who IMHO is a really bad singer. I haven't seen him do anything decent. He says he has no idea what he's done right. Hear Hear!! During the big acapella sale, David sang Dream a Little Dream of Me. To borrow a line from Simon- that wasn't even good enough for a wedding band. If I'm being honest. And he's through. My guess is he's going to be Simon's punching bag this season.
Jose "Sway" Penala is next and I have a feeling his nickname comes not from any dance moves, but the fact that it's probably as well as he is ever going to be able to pronounce the word "Jose". Mushmouth acapellas the same song Lisa Tucker did and he is just okay. He's this year's Scott Savol, fugly and wiggerish.
Elliott whats-his-name with the moldy fillings is through, which is good. I'm going to call four out of five dentists right now and tell them to watch.
Speaking of this year's Scott Savol, this year's Mikalah Gordon- Brenna- is up next. Simon is reading her to filth, but is putting her through, anyway. I hope someone kicks her ass. No one in the crowd is all that thrilled to see her stay.
So of course, they edit it to have Marcy Smith go next. She is Brenna's nemesis and for good reason. I hope with all my heart she chews their asses if she has to go and Brenna gets to stay. But she doesn't. Amazing.
Four other people whose names I didn't catch and whose faces I've never seen get cut.
The cartoon rat is getting his fifteen seconds. His name is Gideon McKinney and as a singer- irritating. He's invoking Jebus and "It" and the judges are eating it up so he's through. Gideon, hon, get thee to an eyebrow waxer- STAT!
Stephanie Scott is through and I have to say, she was better in her solo than in the group. I'm curious to see more.
Ayla Brown is next and I don't even have to keep the TV on to know she's through. There's nothing wrong with her, she's decent looking and has a pleasant voice, but she's so unmemorable. She's a session backup singer, plain and simple. If she plays basketball this dully then I'm switching to curling.
Ryan guides us through a verbal tour of the fifteen seconds we see Chris Daughtry stuck in the elevator. Ryan is the personification of American Idol for Dummies. Do you think they kept him in there longer while Ryan flubbed his lines a few times? Outtake aftet outtake while Chris runs out of oxygen. Paula tries to act like she didn't know about the elevator. Good job. That abused wife TV movie you did years ago only scratched the surface of your thespian talents.
I'm sorry, are they showing Brooke Barretsmith trying to figure out if there's room left for her? Umm, sweetie, you were cut at 8:07. Who edits this show?? Oh, sorry, that's Rebecca O'Donohoe. Jeez, they are twins, but Brooke is already a twin, so does that make them triplets?
Oh, look, April the fat Bjork chick is there and they cut her, but Heather Cox, who sang way worse than April did is through to the next round because she wore a tube top. And they say this thing is fixed!
Bucky Covington makes it through to the next round. They better keep that temp on at the Feed store a little while longer.
Patrick "Bread" Hall makes it through. No, he's not as pretty as Ace, but I think he's way cuter. Still has a reedy voice, though. Ace can outsing him by a mile.
Kevin Covais is on his way up now. He requested to go last so he could finish an intense round of Dungeons and Dragons in the waiting room. His faux-hawk is growing in nicely. Oh, look, he rented Scott Savol's parents for the day. Mom is resplendent in a Jaclyn Smith collection Chanel pantsuit knockoff. She cries as her son makes it through. Live long and prosper, Kevster.
Paris Bennett is battling mightily with Katharine McPhee as person who is gonna get on my nerves the most. Randy asks her how she thinks she did in Hollywood. Her response- "I feel like I lost a little bit of my charisma." Charming. Randy plays with her for 6.2 seconds before passing her through. She and Abdul obviously go to the same acting coach. She tries to feign surprise. I'm sorry- is her mother's name really Jamecia? Ja-mee-cee-ah????
Go to jail. Go directly to jail and do not collect $200. Who wants to bet they're out in time for the finale? Nigel will put up the bail himself.
Kellie Pickler is up next and she seems to have trouble understanding monosyllabic words such as you, are and through. Who can blame her? She hasn't heard that phrase since Grandpa made her a woman ten years ago. She asks about her mascara and pretends she didn't make it through. Guess who else lost some of their charisma in Hollywood? But she picked up a few other things.
I don't think it's the grey in Taylor's hair that's so bad as it is the tupperware bowl haircut that makes him look like the host of a kid's show from the '60s. He plays a harmonica and has a seizure when they tell him he's made it through. Does Seacrest know CPR?
Megan Bobo and Kinnick Sky are the last two ladies left. One spot is open. Any chance they will cut both their undeserving asses and bring back Holly from the nursing home? No such luck. Kinnick's indistinct caterwauling wins out over Megan's indistinct caterwauling and I don't care.
William Makar and some guy who has the old macrame plant hanger I made in summer camp on his head are the last two men left. One spot is open. William is cute as a bug. The other guy sang a Lionel Ritchie song. William is through and looks genuinely shocked.
The show ends by showing 24 very uncool people trying to dance to a song they obviously didn't have clearance for, so they subbed in another that didn't match one bit. This is the sorriest group of women the show has ever had. Maybe three deserve to be there. The men fare better this year, but not by much.
Are we taking bets yet?
Our flight attendant, Miss Seacrest, begins our tour in Pasadena. Already, he's put me to sleep. We see a succession of nameless folks, beginning with some black guy who actually LOOKS like that cartoon rat Paula loves to mention so often and ending with some girl who says- "If today doesn't work out, then my music career is kaput." Finally- someone willing to face facts. She should have a chat with several seasons worth of Top 12 losers. Perhaps TPTB could hire her as a motivational speaker to transition those poor unfortunates from has-been to completely anonymous.
Now Ryan is explaining how an elevator works, then how to walk across the floor, and finally, how to sit in a chair. Umm, Ryan, my nose needs blowing but I'm not quite sure what to do with this thing they call a tissue. Can you help a brutha out?
In quick succession, the judges cut:
Jessica Santos (who?)
Bobby Bullard (who?)
Brooke Barretsmith (Simon decided he'd rather stare at the fit model's tits)
Nick Whitten
Stephanie White
and then we see them all cry and Jessica Santos mumbles something about God opening a window when you get locked out of the door or something she read from her fortune cookie while dining at the Universal Citywalk the night before.
Crystal Stark rides up the elevator and we actually get to see her sing for once. She does Rose Royce's Wishing On a Star. Oh Mariah- what have you wrought? So many really awful girl singers who think that all they need to do is caterwaul and add flubber to every third note and they'll sound good. Crystal, you SUCK. But since they showed her, I'm assuming she's going through. Aaaaaand- no. She's been cut. Well, something tells me that's the last gift the judges will give me this evening, but the night is still young.
Did anyone notice that Bobby Dillard and Bobby Bullard not only looked identical (like the grandfather of Maurice White from Earth Wind & Fire- 28 my ass!) but were also dressed identically?
I officially despise Katharine McPhee. From her fake bullshit outrage for Crystal not getting through in order to garner more airtime (yes, she was upset, but not THAT upset, as he so genuinely put it when pressed by Seacrest) to her acting like RPS were her new best friends after finding out she made it through, to her soliliquy about nothing on the elevator ride down, this girl is working me. Oh yes, let's talk about the singing. I'm not 100% certain, but it's probably a good bet that when Rodgers and Hart wrote My Funny Valentine, they didn't intend it to contain quite so many syllables. Or for it to have its last few notes throttled by the neck so savagely. I'm telling you, this chick is Mrs. Anwar Robinson- she mangles the meat of the song, then bludgeons the audience into submission with some power notes at the end. HATE HER. She exits the elevator and receives a half hearted standing ovation, probably out of relief that someone finally made it through than for her ability.
Next up- Ace. We're treated to a montage of Ace's Hollywood week and he sails through pretty easily, his only problem being which song to choose for the last audition. He must know how fucking beautiful he is because he chooses the clunker "She's Out of My Life." And so the judges build in some fake bullshit tension before stating the obvious. But Ace takes it in stride rather coolly, unlike Katharine McPhee, who just grabbed a Mexican janitor and is describing the contour of Randy's lips as he attempts to pull away from her and finish cleaning the men's room.
More cuts:
Antonio Bridges (who?)
Eugenia Littlejohn, the "kaput" girl, who is working some bling-assed two-toned mani. Paula actually recites from the page under her "Honey, you're 26 years old, your dream is not over." Way to go, Paula, really sell that pep talk! Eugenia knows better, though. She's a babymomma who's pushing middle age in singer years. Randy looks surprised at her response and someone winds the key in Paula's back, which enables her to rise and walk over to give Eugenia a hug.
Robert Bennett, who I don't remember ever seeing, but now strikes me as a gay, asian Mr. Mooney from The Lucy Show. (Try it, picture him saying- "UhhhhYeeeeeeesssssssss?") makes it through.
Mandisa Handley is class all the way. I love her and her double-wide ass and beautiful voice and I am so happy she's through.
And we're back with the first huge time waster of the evening... a montage of people..... sitting. I smell Emmy.
Melissa McGhee is in the hot seat. She's through to the next round only because the judges hadn't seen the outfit she's sporting, a combination gypsy tablecloth and turqouise one piece from 1981.
Mark Adam Locklear (who?) gets cut. Kinda difficult to muster sympathy for people who we;ve never laid eyes on before.
Irene Cara, I mean, Lisa Tucker is next and they are doing a mini-profile on her which means she's through. She sings something, no idea what it is and Simon gives her this bullshit about being concerned about her young age. How many times is he gonna pull this old chestnut out? Plenty of 16 year olds have been through this, plus the girl has already performed professionally. Lisa's mother looks to have been a very young babymomma. So that's how Fantasia managed to sell 1.8 million copies of that piece of crap CD.
Now we follow David Radford, who IMHO is a really bad singer. I haven't seen him do anything decent. He says he has no idea what he's done right. Hear Hear!! During the big acapella sale, David sang Dream a Little Dream of Me. To borrow a line from Simon- that wasn't even good enough for a wedding band. If I'm being honest. And he's through. My guess is he's going to be Simon's punching bag this season.
Jose "Sway" Penala is next and I have a feeling his nickname comes not from any dance moves, but the fact that it's probably as well as he is ever going to be able to pronounce the word "Jose". Mushmouth acapellas the same song Lisa Tucker did and he is just okay. He's this year's Scott Savol, fugly and wiggerish.
Elliott whats-his-name with the moldy fillings is through, which is good. I'm going to call four out of five dentists right now and tell them to watch.
Speaking of this year's Scott Savol, this year's Mikalah Gordon- Brenna- is up next. Simon is reading her to filth, but is putting her through, anyway. I hope someone kicks her ass. No one in the crowd is all that thrilled to see her stay.
So of course, they edit it to have Marcy Smith go next. She is Brenna's nemesis and for good reason. I hope with all my heart she chews their asses if she has to go and Brenna gets to stay. But she doesn't. Amazing.
Four other people whose names I didn't catch and whose faces I've never seen get cut.
The cartoon rat is getting his fifteen seconds. His name is Gideon McKinney and as a singer- irritating. He's invoking Jebus and "It" and the judges are eating it up so he's through. Gideon, hon, get thee to an eyebrow waxer- STAT!
Stephanie Scott is through and I have to say, she was better in her solo than in the group. I'm curious to see more.
Ayla Brown is next and I don't even have to keep the TV on to know she's through. There's nothing wrong with her, she's decent looking and has a pleasant voice, but she's so unmemorable. She's a session backup singer, plain and simple. If she plays basketball this dully then I'm switching to curling.
Ryan guides us through a verbal tour of the fifteen seconds we see Chris Daughtry stuck in the elevator. Ryan is the personification of American Idol for Dummies. Do you think they kept him in there longer while Ryan flubbed his lines a few times? Outtake aftet outtake while Chris runs out of oxygen. Paula tries to act like she didn't know about the elevator. Good job. That abused wife TV movie you did years ago only scratched the surface of your thespian talents.
I'm sorry, are they showing Brooke Barretsmith trying to figure out if there's room left for her? Umm, sweetie, you were cut at 8:07. Who edits this show?? Oh, sorry, that's Rebecca O'Donohoe. Jeez, they are twins, but Brooke is already a twin, so does that make them triplets?
Oh, look, April the fat Bjork chick is there and they cut her, but Heather Cox, who sang way worse than April did is through to the next round because she wore a tube top. And they say this thing is fixed!
Bucky Covington makes it through to the next round. They better keep that temp on at the Feed store a little while longer.
Patrick "Bread" Hall makes it through. No, he's not as pretty as Ace, but I think he's way cuter. Still has a reedy voice, though. Ace can outsing him by a mile.
Kevin Covais is on his way up now. He requested to go last so he could finish an intense round of Dungeons and Dragons in the waiting room. His faux-hawk is growing in nicely. Oh, look, he rented Scott Savol's parents for the day. Mom is resplendent in a Jaclyn Smith collection Chanel pantsuit knockoff. She cries as her son makes it through. Live long and prosper, Kevster.
Paris Bennett is battling mightily with Katharine McPhee as person who is gonna get on my nerves the most. Randy asks her how she thinks she did in Hollywood. Her response- "I feel like I lost a little bit of my charisma." Charming. Randy plays with her for 6.2 seconds before passing her through. She and Abdul obviously go to the same acting coach. She tries to feign surprise. I'm sorry- is her mother's name really Jamecia? Ja-mee-cee-ah????
Go to jail. Go directly to jail and do not collect $200. Who wants to bet they're out in time for the finale? Nigel will put up the bail himself.
Kellie Pickler is up next and she seems to have trouble understanding monosyllabic words such as you, are and through. Who can blame her? She hasn't heard that phrase since Grandpa made her a woman ten years ago. She asks about her mascara and pretends she didn't make it through. Guess who else lost some of their charisma in Hollywood? But she picked up a few other things.
I don't think it's the grey in Taylor's hair that's so bad as it is the tupperware bowl haircut that makes him look like the host of a kid's show from the '60s. He plays a harmonica and has a seizure when they tell him he's made it through. Does Seacrest know CPR?
Megan Bobo and Kinnick Sky are the last two ladies left. One spot is open. Any chance they will cut both their undeserving asses and bring back Holly from the nursing home? No such luck. Kinnick's indistinct caterwauling wins out over Megan's indistinct caterwauling and I don't care.
William Makar and some guy who has the old macrame plant hanger I made in summer camp on his head are the last two men left. One spot is open. William is cute as a bug. The other guy sang a Lionel Ritchie song. William is through and looks genuinely shocked.
The show ends by showing 24 very uncool people trying to dance to a song they obviously didn't have clearance for, so they subbed in another that didn't match one bit. This is the sorriest group of women the show has ever had. Maybe three deserve to be there. The men fare better this year, but not by much.
Are we taking bets yet?
posted by kieran at 12:45 AM
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