And a Double-Chinned Child Shall Lead Them. AI Re-cap 2/7/07
It’s raining men. Or actually, it’s barely drizzling male talent. Tonight, the Top 12 guys compete for the first time. Ryan Seacrest is dressed as though he’s just come from an “Annie Hall” costume contest and tries to dupe us into believing that this is both the biggest season of Idol and with the best male talent yet. What show have you been hosting, Pickles, ‘cause it sure isn’t this one.
Get ready, folks. Irritating, smarmy, self-serving Seacrest is now in the house and will be staying for the rest of the season. I’m almost happy, as my previous commentary has been surprisingly light on the Ryan-bashing front. The tiny one trots down the steps and hand slaps and high fives the guys in his best approximation of hetero-male frat boy behavior. Since Ryan has much more to say tonight, he’s really punching that important third word speech pattern for all it’s worth.
The guys do their strut of shame in front of the camera. A.J. Tabaldo looks like he wandered in from the waitstaff of El Torito. The rest give ridiculous thumbs-up signals, save for Jason Head, who’s probably still embarrassed to be here after his terrible Hollywood week performances. The gals are in the audience, cheering on the guys. Gina Glocksen looks as though she’s put on a freshman 15 since making it into the Top 24.
Ryan intros the judges and it looks like we’re going to get loopy Paula tonight, since her bangs are strewn across her forehead and one eye is slightly closed. We see a useless montage showing how the 12 guys made it this far, which manages to leave out any vocal performances, whatsoever, though with this group, that was probably a smart thing. They’re hoping America won’t be reminded and turn off their televisions, en masse. What a huge waste of time, but lest I forget, this is a two hour show they have to try and fill any way they can.
Rudy Cardenas is up first and we see his less than stellar rendition of “Open Arms,” and that Simon called it by initially rejecting him. Rudy is shown playing for the cameras at every possible interval and it makes me hate him more. Cardenas chooses to sing “Free Ride,” and holds a note for an interminably long time, which only tells us he has big lungs. To me, it was a total cruise ship entertainer performance. I’m surprised he didn’t walk over to the judges table and refill their water glasses during the song. Randy though it was corny (Keepin’ it real!), Paula gives him a huge softball, saying no one has ever started off the season with such energy. Simon immediately contradicts her with a devilish grin. Simon tells Rudy he’s never done anything unique and doesn’t have a distinctive voice, which begs the question- “Then what the hell did we just have to listen to him for?”- but considering last year this time Bobby Bennett was firing up “Copacabana,” I suppose the point is moot. Paula still argues because she’s always wanted to ball Rudy. Rudy hopes he’ll be able to change Simon and Randy’s opinion. I’m not sure if I want him to stay around that long. It all depends on who’s worse.
Back from the break and Ryan is “kickin’ it” with the guys in the red room. He asks Chris Sligh what tonight is all about. Chris answers, tongue in cheek, that it’s all about the guys looking pretty, and to underscore the point, the little hobgoblin that lives in his third chin pops out its head and croaks, “S’alright!” Ryan makes some lame ass gay panic joke that no one laughs at, then goes to the pretty, vapid Chris (Richardson) to ask what he thinks of this season’s players as compared to seasons past. I was wondering how long until he pulled that one from his tiny arsenal.
Brandon Rogers is up next and Seacrest manages to fondle him while making a second gay-panic joke. We ought to keep a running tally throughout the season. (2) We first have to see Brandon’s individual journey. He talks about being a back-up singer. Brandon has talent and is one of the few people this season I’m pulling for, however, he reminds me that Tommy Daniels ought to be here, as well. Brandon is singing a silky smooth, slow jam version of “Rock With You,” by Michael Jackson and if it was 1993, he could have a hit with it. Unfortunately, he goes into Vegas mid-tempo with the song, which is his fatal flaw, because after speeding up, he starts to sound more nervous and less assured. He manages to sort of pull it out at the end. It was a decent double, but no grand slam. Randy calls it pitchy, Paula tells Brandon to stop doing so many background runs and Simon calls it safe and predictable, but thinks Brandon has a really good voice. I concur.
Jason Head follows and we see him being really honest about how sucky he’s been since his initial audition. I suppose he figured the only chance he had was to play the honesty card, because everyone and their deaf, dumb and blind boy knows he took multiple dumps in Hollywood. He’s singing “Knights in White Satin,” and if I didn’t know better, I’d think this was a ‘70s theme night. Head has a good tone to his voice, but he’s clearly nervous and is in way over his head (no pun intended). He’s better than Rudy, but simply not good enough to be here over a lot of other people. I kind of feel bad for him because I can tell he probably beats himself up a lot over his shortcomings, but the next step is then to fix them, which he clearly hasn’t, so all that’s left is to get the hell off the stage. The judges can’t even pretend the performance was good, but they all softball him (and the voters at home), playing up how good Head was at his first audition. May I remind them that the first audition was a LOT of auditions ago and this guy has shown, much like Paris Bennett, he’s never going to be able to duplicate that level of talent. Chalk it up to a lucky day and move on. Folks, we’re seeing our first case of blatant TCOism happening, but I can’t quite figure out why. Ryan ambles onto the stage and it sounds very much like he says, “Sundance…fuck!” I played it back a few times, and I can’t tell what he really said, but he doesn’t look too panicked, so I’m sure I misheard. But that’s okay, because I’m sure it’s what everyone else in the audience was saying. Jason holds up three fingers to remind us to vote. Dude has some fucking Jimmy Dean pork sausages. Those rings must have been soldered on.
Well, Paul Kim is next and no matter what else happens tonight, we already know that with Paul here, Jason Head won’t be tonight’s worst singer. For those of you who managed through therapy and meds to forget Paul’s initial horrendous boy-band audition, you’re out of luck, because here it is again. Where’s Rosie O’Donnell when you need her? We get to hear all about Paul’s barefoot fetish again. Perhaps he could compensate for the bare feet by wearing a ski mask when he sings. Paul will be eviscerating “Careless Whisper,” tonight. He’s terrible and singing in such a low key, it’s hard to make what he’s saying half the time. That plus the fact that he’s acting like a Chigga, with his ridiculous hand movements, is really lowering my tolerance of him. I also can’t tell if he’s singing with an accent or singing with an “accent.” His speaking voice is totally American with no impediments, so I’m guessing it’s the latter. He’s gone full tilt ghetto. His high note is so off that even he’s plugging his ears. If he doesn’t go tonight, America is even more deluded than normal. Randy leads the crazy by stating that Paul has one of the best voices in the competition this year. The bligga leading the chigga. Paula feels he oversang the song, but hopes people get past tonight’s performance and push him through. Ryan takes his shoes off too, momentarily forgetting that without his lifts, he’s only 5’1”. Ryan says he’s showing off his new pedicure. (3)
Much Ado About Nothing Chris Richardson is next, reminding us he’s not fit to carry Elliott Yamin’s jock, singing Donny Hathaway. The producers are still pushing the Justin Timberlake angle with Chris, but from the look of his skin, I’d say he’s more comparable to Cameron Diaz. Chris is singing “I Don’t Wanna Be,” another song Elliott Yamin covered last season. At this point, maybe he ought to start covering the oeuvre of Patrick “Bread” Hall, because he needs to be judged against someone who isn’t so far out of his league. Chris is doing a total white boy jerk-dance. I expect him to finish the song, down a brewski and crush the can on his forehead, then go fuck a drunk sorority babe without a condom. The judges will go apeshit for him because he’s so cute (I guess). Randy says he feels like the show just started. Barf. Chris will sail through on his good looks. Paula says she loved the different arrangement of the song. There was nothing different about it at all, but when your head is buried in a glass of vodka for the duration of the song, I suppose everything sounds a little different. Simon hits the nail on the head by saying that if you close your eyes and listen to the vocal, Chris’ voice sounds very small, but that the girls will vote for him, anyway. Ryan puts his shoes back on and is up to 5’4”.
This is taking forever. Five down, seven to go. Nick Pedro is our next disappointment. Showing us his Hollywood stuff was a huge mistake, as he sings “California Dreamin’” so poorly that I wouldn’t be surprised to hear Michelle Phillips had died tonight out of embarrassment. I have no idea what song Nick is singing. He’s terribly breathy, not in a boy band way, more of a recent lung resectioning way. However, the audience goes crazy for him. Randy didn’t like it, but I think Nick was better than Chris Richardson. Randy is correct that it was boring. Nick kind of disappeared onscreen. Paula concurs, but Simon thought it wasn’t that bad. Nick is sort of sweet and there are guys who definitely deserve to go home over him, so I’ll give him another chance.
Gina Glocksen is getting fatter every time they show her. She must have a stash of fruit pies under her chair. Blake Lewis is up. This is the guy I’ve been most excited about seeing because I feel like it’s been so long sine we’ve actually heard him sing, that I’ve forgotten if he has any other talent besides being the guy from “Police Academy.” Blake looks like he was wearing a tie designed by one of my favorite artists, Dwellephant, but it went by so fast that I couldn’t tell for sure. If anyone knows, drop me a line. We see the infamous “How Deep is Your Love” performance and all it does this time is remind me we got stuck with Rudy Cardenas while the other blond guy in that group, Tom Lowe, got shitcanned probably for being openly gay and no other reason. Blake is singing one of my favorite songs of the past five years, Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know.” I want him to be good, but this is a tough song to sing and unless you have a fantastic range, you’re gonna botch it. And botch it Blake does, first by forgetting the words and then by completely failing the high part. Bad choice, Blake. He better hope for the pretty boy vote, because that performance isn’t gonna carry it. Randy softsoaps like crazy; they obviously want Blake to go through a few more rounds. Hell, I’d like Blake to go through a few more rounds, but, folks, that was not a good performance. Paula says the vocals were spot on. If I took a drink every time Paula was totally wrong tonight, I’d be in Keith Whitley territory right now. Simon calls it the best performance of the evening. Blake says he wanted to let America know he could sing. Whoops. But he’ll go through.
Sanjaya Malakar is next. This boy needs an extreme makeover. That hair alone is a disaster area. We’re treated to all his different shades of gay, as well as the proto-incestuous-but-not-really-because-he-likes-dick relationship between Sanjaya and his much less talented sister Marie. (Sorry, I’m not learning her name if she isn’t performing. She’ll take Marie and like it or she’ll forever be banished from my re-cap.) Sanjaya must still be a virgin because he totally has his sister on a pedestal. She’s his whole world and that can only come from someone who hasn’t gotten a really good lay. Or even a bad one. Sanjaya is completely away from the band, both behind and ahead of them, if that’s possible. He’s singing a Stevie Wonder song because you know, we really never get to hear any of his music on the show. His performance was a tad pitchy, but inoffensive. I barely remember it and I’m still listening. Randy, completely off his nut, tells Sanjaya he shouldn’t have sung a Wonder song because he can’t compare, forgetting that just moments ago he was shown praising Sanjaya’s initial audition- singing a Stevie Wonder song. I hope Randy packed some twinkies in his prostate because he’s had his head up his ass all evening. Sanjaya wasn’t bad, just unmemorable. Ryan tries to get Sanjaya to grow a set and tell Simon off. Seacrest, if it were that easy, then you’d have a set, too. Sanjaya is an adorable puppy, but he’s way too gay to appeal to middle America. I think he’s toast.
2/3 of the way done. Chris Sligh is up next. This guy hadn’t impressed me at all until his final audition in Hollywood and I think he needs to knock off the sarcastic quips. They aren’t as funny as he thinks they are and it just serves to remind us how fugly he kind of is. And he is. I have no idea what song Chris I singing, but he’s singing it really well. He has a nice, clear tone to his voice without any bullshit tricks. If he didn’t have the bad lisp, I’d proclaim his performance perfect. He’s definitely the best so far tonight, but the lisp is gonna be a problem, for me at least. Randy and Paula like Chris, but say he was ahead of the beat, which I didn’t notice. Simon, being Simon, immediately tears Chris down, realizing that none of the guys sings as well as he does and he weighs approximately the same as all of them put together, except for Jason. Simon will not have another fat boy for an Idol. Ever. So he has to plant the seeds of doubt in our minds. Ryan gets angry because Simon calls him sweetheart. (4) Chris tries to burn on Simon and makes himself look like a complete asshole. Chris, you could go far in this competition by being humble, but remember, Simon is the star of this show and next year, you’ll be forgotten. The audience isn’t going to be on your side if you rag on their favorite.
It’s “and the rest” time. Jared Cotter, who we don’t know a bit from before, is in the professorandmaryann group. Jared has a thin voice and is all over the place. He’s singing “Back At One.” Completely nap inducing. I’m gonna hire him and Sanjaya to help me with my insomnia. I’d say it’s back to Long Island for you, Jared.
A.J. Tabaldo will be performing as soon as he brings me my chips and salsa and busses the booth behind me. AJ has tried out five previous times for Idol. All I have to say is what went wrong this time? He’s singing “Never Too Much,” by Luther Vandross and by the way he’s bouncing around, I’d say Sanjaya won’t be a virgin for long. AJ doesn’t have a terrible voice, but it’s easy to see why he’d be rejected so much; he’s a totally average and forgettable performer. Randy asks if AJ had a good time, never a good sign. Paula, who got up and danced, loved him. Simon thought it was “theme park.” Ryan asks if AJ feels, after five tries, that he could finally own Idol. Why don’t you ask him that on his way home Thursday night.
Phil Stacey is bringing up the rear. Don’t like this guy, never have, and now he’s making sure we know he’s an active duty sailor in the Navy, in hopes to erase all the bad blood he caused with women all over the country by skipping out on the birth of his daughter to audition for Idol. I knew we’d get stuck with a serviceman this year. Phil, just shut the fuck up and sing. I will say that Phil did a decent job on the Bryan Adams song in Hollywood. Unfortunately, he didn’t bring that A game with him tonight. I have no idea what he’s singing, but he’s singing it too low. Oh, “I Could Not Ask For More.” Bleah. He gets better as the song goes on, but he thinks he’s Chris Daughtry, right down to the adoring wife and kiddies and the Jesus Christ poses. And that performance wasn’t enough to sway me. Randy thinks Phil was the best of the night. Head. Up. The. Ass. Simon though it was just okay. I agree. Phil agrees, as well and says he’s going to work to be better, offending Randy and Paula, since they both liked it. They mock complain that no one listens to them. They finally get it!
Lackluster men. My ranking from 1-12.
1- Chris Sligh
2- Brandon Rogers
3- Blake Lewis
4- Phil Stacey
5- A.J. Tabaldo
6- Nick Pedro
7- Jared Cotter
8- Jason Head
9- Rudy Cardenas
10- Sanjaya Malakar
11- Chris Richardson
12- Paul Kim
Who should go: Paul Kim and Sanjaya Malakar
Who will go: Sanjaya Malakar and A.J. Tabaldo
I would just like to say that after Chris Sligh, my rankings were more of a “least worst” scenario than best of the rest. Folks, if this is what we have to work with, I’ll say it again, it’s gonna be a rotten season.
See you tomorrow night when we stick it to the girls.
Seagulls Out.
Get ready, folks. Irritating, smarmy, self-serving Seacrest is now in the house and will be staying for the rest of the season. I’m almost happy, as my previous commentary has been surprisingly light on the Ryan-bashing front. The tiny one trots down the steps and hand slaps and high fives the guys in his best approximation of hetero-male frat boy behavior. Since Ryan has much more to say tonight, he’s really punching that important third word speech pattern for all it’s worth.
The guys do their strut of shame in front of the camera. A.J. Tabaldo looks like he wandered in from the waitstaff of El Torito. The rest give ridiculous thumbs-up signals, save for Jason Head, who’s probably still embarrassed to be here after his terrible Hollywood week performances. The gals are in the audience, cheering on the guys. Gina Glocksen looks as though she’s put on a freshman 15 since making it into the Top 24.
Ryan intros the judges and it looks like we’re going to get loopy Paula tonight, since her bangs are strewn across her forehead and one eye is slightly closed. We see a useless montage showing how the 12 guys made it this far, which manages to leave out any vocal performances, whatsoever, though with this group, that was probably a smart thing. They’re hoping America won’t be reminded and turn off their televisions, en masse. What a huge waste of time, but lest I forget, this is a two hour show they have to try and fill any way they can.
Rudy Cardenas is up first and we see his less than stellar rendition of “Open Arms,” and that Simon called it by initially rejecting him. Rudy is shown playing for the cameras at every possible interval and it makes me hate him more. Cardenas chooses to sing “Free Ride,” and holds a note for an interminably long time, which only tells us he has big lungs. To me, it was a total cruise ship entertainer performance. I’m surprised he didn’t walk over to the judges table and refill their water glasses during the song. Randy though it was corny (Keepin’ it real!), Paula gives him a huge softball, saying no one has ever started off the season with such energy. Simon immediately contradicts her with a devilish grin. Simon tells Rudy he’s never done anything unique and doesn’t have a distinctive voice, which begs the question- “Then what the hell did we just have to listen to him for?”- but considering last year this time Bobby Bennett was firing up “Copacabana,” I suppose the point is moot. Paula still argues because she’s always wanted to ball Rudy. Rudy hopes he’ll be able to change Simon and Randy’s opinion. I’m not sure if I want him to stay around that long. It all depends on who’s worse.
Back from the break and Ryan is “kickin’ it” with the guys in the red room. He asks Chris Sligh what tonight is all about. Chris answers, tongue in cheek, that it’s all about the guys looking pretty, and to underscore the point, the little hobgoblin that lives in his third chin pops out its head and croaks, “S’alright!” Ryan makes some lame ass gay panic joke that no one laughs at, then goes to the pretty, vapid Chris (Richardson) to ask what he thinks of this season’s players as compared to seasons past. I was wondering how long until he pulled that one from his tiny arsenal.
Brandon Rogers is up next and Seacrest manages to fondle him while making a second gay-panic joke. We ought to keep a running tally throughout the season. (2) We first have to see Brandon’s individual journey. He talks about being a back-up singer. Brandon has talent and is one of the few people this season I’m pulling for, however, he reminds me that Tommy Daniels ought to be here, as well. Brandon is singing a silky smooth, slow jam version of “Rock With You,” by Michael Jackson and if it was 1993, he could have a hit with it. Unfortunately, he goes into Vegas mid-tempo with the song, which is his fatal flaw, because after speeding up, he starts to sound more nervous and less assured. He manages to sort of pull it out at the end. It was a decent double, but no grand slam. Randy calls it pitchy, Paula tells Brandon to stop doing so many background runs and Simon calls it safe and predictable, but thinks Brandon has a really good voice. I concur.
Jason Head follows and we see him being really honest about how sucky he’s been since his initial audition. I suppose he figured the only chance he had was to play the honesty card, because everyone and their deaf, dumb and blind boy knows he took multiple dumps in Hollywood. He’s singing “Knights in White Satin,” and if I didn’t know better, I’d think this was a ‘70s theme night. Head has a good tone to his voice, but he’s clearly nervous and is in way over his head (no pun intended). He’s better than Rudy, but simply not good enough to be here over a lot of other people. I kind of feel bad for him because I can tell he probably beats himself up a lot over his shortcomings, but the next step is then to fix them, which he clearly hasn’t, so all that’s left is to get the hell off the stage. The judges can’t even pretend the performance was good, but they all softball him (and the voters at home), playing up how good Head was at his first audition. May I remind them that the first audition was a LOT of auditions ago and this guy has shown, much like Paris Bennett, he’s never going to be able to duplicate that level of talent. Chalk it up to a lucky day and move on. Folks, we’re seeing our first case of blatant TCOism happening, but I can’t quite figure out why. Ryan ambles onto the stage and it sounds very much like he says, “Sundance…fuck!” I played it back a few times, and I can’t tell what he really said, but he doesn’t look too panicked, so I’m sure I misheard. But that’s okay, because I’m sure it’s what everyone else in the audience was saying. Jason holds up three fingers to remind us to vote. Dude has some fucking Jimmy Dean pork sausages. Those rings must have been soldered on.
Well, Paul Kim is next and no matter what else happens tonight, we already know that with Paul here, Jason Head won’t be tonight’s worst singer. For those of you who managed through therapy and meds to forget Paul’s initial horrendous boy-band audition, you’re out of luck, because here it is again. Where’s Rosie O’Donnell when you need her? We get to hear all about Paul’s barefoot fetish again. Perhaps he could compensate for the bare feet by wearing a ski mask when he sings. Paul will be eviscerating “Careless Whisper,” tonight. He’s terrible and singing in such a low key, it’s hard to make what he’s saying half the time. That plus the fact that he’s acting like a Chigga, with his ridiculous hand movements, is really lowering my tolerance of him. I also can’t tell if he’s singing with an accent or singing with an “accent.” His speaking voice is totally American with no impediments, so I’m guessing it’s the latter. He’s gone full tilt ghetto. His high note is so off that even he’s plugging his ears. If he doesn’t go tonight, America is even more deluded than normal. Randy leads the crazy by stating that Paul has one of the best voices in the competition this year. The bligga leading the chigga. Paula feels he oversang the song, but hopes people get past tonight’s performance and push him through. Ryan takes his shoes off too, momentarily forgetting that without his lifts, he’s only 5’1”. Ryan says he’s showing off his new pedicure. (3)
Much Ado About Nothing Chris Richardson is next, reminding us he’s not fit to carry Elliott Yamin’s jock, singing Donny Hathaway. The producers are still pushing the Justin Timberlake angle with Chris, but from the look of his skin, I’d say he’s more comparable to Cameron Diaz. Chris is singing “I Don’t Wanna Be,” another song Elliott Yamin covered last season. At this point, maybe he ought to start covering the oeuvre of Patrick “Bread” Hall, because he needs to be judged against someone who isn’t so far out of his league. Chris is doing a total white boy jerk-dance. I expect him to finish the song, down a brewski and crush the can on his forehead, then go fuck a drunk sorority babe without a condom. The judges will go apeshit for him because he’s so cute (I guess). Randy says he feels like the show just started. Barf. Chris will sail through on his good looks. Paula says she loved the different arrangement of the song. There was nothing different about it at all, but when your head is buried in a glass of vodka for the duration of the song, I suppose everything sounds a little different. Simon hits the nail on the head by saying that if you close your eyes and listen to the vocal, Chris’ voice sounds very small, but that the girls will vote for him, anyway. Ryan puts his shoes back on and is up to 5’4”.
This is taking forever. Five down, seven to go. Nick Pedro is our next disappointment. Showing us his Hollywood stuff was a huge mistake, as he sings “California Dreamin’” so poorly that I wouldn’t be surprised to hear Michelle Phillips had died tonight out of embarrassment. I have no idea what song Nick is singing. He’s terribly breathy, not in a boy band way, more of a recent lung resectioning way. However, the audience goes crazy for him. Randy didn’t like it, but I think Nick was better than Chris Richardson. Randy is correct that it was boring. Nick kind of disappeared onscreen. Paula concurs, but Simon thought it wasn’t that bad. Nick is sort of sweet and there are guys who definitely deserve to go home over him, so I’ll give him another chance.
Gina Glocksen is getting fatter every time they show her. She must have a stash of fruit pies under her chair. Blake Lewis is up. This is the guy I’ve been most excited about seeing because I feel like it’s been so long sine we’ve actually heard him sing, that I’ve forgotten if he has any other talent besides being the guy from “Police Academy.” Blake looks like he was wearing a tie designed by one of my favorite artists, Dwellephant, but it went by so fast that I couldn’t tell for sure. If anyone knows, drop me a line. We see the infamous “How Deep is Your Love” performance and all it does this time is remind me we got stuck with Rudy Cardenas while the other blond guy in that group, Tom Lowe, got shitcanned probably for being openly gay and no other reason. Blake is singing one of my favorite songs of the past five years, Keane’s “Somewhere Only We Know.” I want him to be good, but this is a tough song to sing and unless you have a fantastic range, you’re gonna botch it. And botch it Blake does, first by forgetting the words and then by completely failing the high part. Bad choice, Blake. He better hope for the pretty boy vote, because that performance isn’t gonna carry it. Randy softsoaps like crazy; they obviously want Blake to go through a few more rounds. Hell, I’d like Blake to go through a few more rounds, but, folks, that was not a good performance. Paula says the vocals were spot on. If I took a drink every time Paula was totally wrong tonight, I’d be in Keith Whitley territory right now. Simon calls it the best performance of the evening. Blake says he wanted to let America know he could sing. Whoops. But he’ll go through.
Sanjaya Malakar is next. This boy needs an extreme makeover. That hair alone is a disaster area. We’re treated to all his different shades of gay, as well as the proto-incestuous-but-not-really-because-he-likes-dick relationship between Sanjaya and his much less talented sister Marie. (Sorry, I’m not learning her name if she isn’t performing. She’ll take Marie and like it or she’ll forever be banished from my re-cap.) Sanjaya must still be a virgin because he totally has his sister on a pedestal. She’s his whole world and that can only come from someone who hasn’t gotten a really good lay. Or even a bad one. Sanjaya is completely away from the band, both behind and ahead of them, if that’s possible. He’s singing a Stevie Wonder song because you know, we really never get to hear any of his music on the show. His performance was a tad pitchy, but inoffensive. I barely remember it and I’m still listening. Randy, completely off his nut, tells Sanjaya he shouldn’t have sung a Wonder song because he can’t compare, forgetting that just moments ago he was shown praising Sanjaya’s initial audition- singing a Stevie Wonder song. I hope Randy packed some twinkies in his prostate because he’s had his head up his ass all evening. Sanjaya wasn’t bad, just unmemorable. Ryan tries to get Sanjaya to grow a set and tell Simon off. Seacrest, if it were that easy, then you’d have a set, too. Sanjaya is an adorable puppy, but he’s way too gay to appeal to middle America. I think he’s toast.
2/3 of the way done. Chris Sligh is up next. This guy hadn’t impressed me at all until his final audition in Hollywood and I think he needs to knock off the sarcastic quips. They aren’t as funny as he thinks they are and it just serves to remind us how fugly he kind of is. And he is. I have no idea what song Chris I singing, but he’s singing it really well. He has a nice, clear tone to his voice without any bullshit tricks. If he didn’t have the bad lisp, I’d proclaim his performance perfect. He’s definitely the best so far tonight, but the lisp is gonna be a problem, for me at least. Randy and Paula like Chris, but say he was ahead of the beat, which I didn’t notice. Simon, being Simon, immediately tears Chris down, realizing that none of the guys sings as well as he does and he weighs approximately the same as all of them put together, except for Jason. Simon will not have another fat boy for an Idol. Ever. So he has to plant the seeds of doubt in our minds. Ryan gets angry because Simon calls him sweetheart. (4) Chris tries to burn on Simon and makes himself look like a complete asshole. Chris, you could go far in this competition by being humble, but remember, Simon is the star of this show and next year, you’ll be forgotten. The audience isn’t going to be on your side if you rag on their favorite.
It’s “and the rest” time. Jared Cotter, who we don’t know a bit from before, is in the professorandmaryann group. Jared has a thin voice and is all over the place. He’s singing “Back At One.” Completely nap inducing. I’m gonna hire him and Sanjaya to help me with my insomnia. I’d say it’s back to Long Island for you, Jared.
A.J. Tabaldo will be performing as soon as he brings me my chips and salsa and busses the booth behind me. AJ has tried out five previous times for Idol. All I have to say is what went wrong this time? He’s singing “Never Too Much,” by Luther Vandross and by the way he’s bouncing around, I’d say Sanjaya won’t be a virgin for long. AJ doesn’t have a terrible voice, but it’s easy to see why he’d be rejected so much; he’s a totally average and forgettable performer. Randy asks if AJ had a good time, never a good sign. Paula, who got up and danced, loved him. Simon thought it was “theme park.” Ryan asks if AJ feels, after five tries, that he could finally own Idol. Why don’t you ask him that on his way home Thursday night.
Phil Stacey is bringing up the rear. Don’t like this guy, never have, and now he’s making sure we know he’s an active duty sailor in the Navy, in hopes to erase all the bad blood he caused with women all over the country by skipping out on the birth of his daughter to audition for Idol. I knew we’d get stuck with a serviceman this year. Phil, just shut the fuck up and sing. I will say that Phil did a decent job on the Bryan Adams song in Hollywood. Unfortunately, he didn’t bring that A game with him tonight. I have no idea what he’s singing, but he’s singing it too low. Oh, “I Could Not Ask For More.” Bleah. He gets better as the song goes on, but he thinks he’s Chris Daughtry, right down to the adoring wife and kiddies and the Jesus Christ poses. And that performance wasn’t enough to sway me. Randy thinks Phil was the best of the night. Head. Up. The. Ass. Simon though it was just okay. I agree. Phil agrees, as well and says he’s going to work to be better, offending Randy and Paula, since they both liked it. They mock complain that no one listens to them. They finally get it!
Lackluster men. My ranking from 1-12.
1- Chris Sligh
2- Brandon Rogers
3- Blake Lewis
4- Phil Stacey
5- A.J. Tabaldo
6- Nick Pedro
7- Jared Cotter
8- Jason Head
9- Rudy Cardenas
10- Sanjaya Malakar
11- Chris Richardson
12- Paul Kim
Who should go: Paul Kim and Sanjaya Malakar
Who will go: Sanjaya Malakar and A.J. Tabaldo
I would just like to say that after Chris Sligh, my rankings were more of a “least worst” scenario than best of the rest. Folks, if this is what we have to work with, I’ll say it again, it’s gonna be a rotten season.
See you tomorrow night when we stick it to the girls.
Seagulls Out.
posted by kieran at 1:37 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home