Unforgiveable. That's What You Are. AI Re-cap 2/14/07
After what will go down in the history books as the dullest Hollywood week show ever, tonight, the judges narrow the field even further, from forty to the final 24. Ryan Seacrest has on his official I’m-gonna-stress-every-third-word-so-what-say-sounds-extra-important voice, so you know this is a crucial episode. THIS is American IDOL.
Elevator rides for all tonight. Speaking of which, my apologies for being a little late with the re-cap. Though I don’t advocate Valentine’s Day as a holiday whatsoever, I did have a date last night and I was otherwise occupied. We went to the movies and all was going fine until he turned to the coming attractions posters and said, “I really want to see ‘Ghost Rider.’” Needless to say, I came home alone.
We begin with Sanjaya Malakar. The more I see this kid, the more turned off I am by him. His final audition consists of a terribly shaky, off-key and VERY karaoke version of Grand Funk’s “Some Kind of Wonderful.” The kid has really ugly, over-producted hair, is much too breathy and obviously needs to cut the family apron strings. The sister guilting him needs to stop. I realize horses aren’t sacred in India, but this one has been beaten for all it’s worth. Honey, you sucked, you didn’t make it through, deal with it. Sanjaya, however, has made it through. I’m so far unimpressed.
Next up is 23-ft tall Anna Kearns, who doesn’t make the cut, then tries to argue that they’ve made a mistake because the show has never had anyone like her before. When Simon asks if she means “tall,” Anna gets huffy until finally, even she has to admit the only thing special about her is the ability to see into third floor windows wearing flats.
Bernard Williams is not through. I’m trying had to remember him without having to search the archives, but from what I recall, I liked him. Ah yes, he was the one who Paula claimed was completely off-key during his flawless audition. Wow.
Someone named Eric Davis, whom I’ve never seen before, is also cut, but since I have no idea who he is, I don’t care. Future “L Word” guest star Tami Gosnell is also cut, so the judges got one right. Never liked her and now I can leave her alone.
Melinda Doolittle, one of my early favorites, is up next. I don’t recognize her final audition song, but she sang it very well. Simon tells her she is no longer a backup singer and that she is ready to stand on her own. She’s through to the next round. So far, Melinda has my full support.
Brandon Rogers, another back-up singer who I remember liking a lot, is also through, though I can’t say I was terribly impressed with his final audition, a listless rendition of “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman,” in which the back-up singers, ironically enough, did all the heavy lifting.
Gina Glocksen is next up. I hope she doesn’t make it. Her final audition was the same Bryan Adams song Brandon sang, though sung about fifty times worse. She sounded like she was doing an ad for Ricola. Oh fuck, she’s through. The judges have completely lost it. I will be sure and vigorously NOT vote for Gina. Haley Scarnato has somehow also, inexplicably made it through. I’ve never been impressed with her and her final audition did nothing to abate that apathy.
Jimmy McNeal, the Ruben Studdard-lite, has been cut, as has someone named Eric Johnson.
Phil Stacy is up next. He’s the clown who skipped the birth of his child to audition. He’s also someone who I think is overrated, through I will admit, he’s done the best version of the Bryan Adams song so far. I only wonder if the women out there voting can be as forgiving as his wife because he’s through.
Shameless promotion time. Just when you thought you’d get away scot-free without any sightseeing footage, we get treated to an extended and unfunny clip from the forthcoming Simpsons movie which the boys got to see on their day off. And Idol’s own Comic Book Guy, chubby Chris Sligh, is about to hear his fate. Chris also sang the Bryan Adams song for his final audition and all I can think is that the generation after me had some really sucky music that was iconic for them. Chris does sing it well, though and it’s the first time I even raise an eyebrow toward him. Simon tells Chris he has a great personality, but wasn’t one of the better singers, however, they put him through, giving us the first official reminder that this isn’t really a singing competition.
Beat-box Blake is next. Maybe we’ll get to actually hear him sing before he gets voted off. For the time being, he’s through. Thomas Lowe is not so fortunate. The final member of the ersatz BeeGees act, Rudy Cardenas, is up next. I’ve also not been impressed with Rudy and his final audition, a screechy version of “Georgia on My Mind,” is rotten, but enough to get him through.
Paul Kim, someone with little talent, but the all important PC factor, promises that if he goes through, he will always be barefoot. Big deal. Now pregnant, that would be impressive. Paul sings a ridiculous version of “How Deep is Your Love,” for his final audition. The judges have their poker face schtick down so well, there’s little to no suspense left while they minstrel it up trying to fool the contestants. Paula apologizes to Paul that he’ll have to come back and I can’t help feeling she’s actually talking to me. This guy is the male Gina Glocksen for me, or more to the point, he’s this year’s Sway Penala. I hope he flames out as quickly.
Jordin Sparks is also through, which is a good thing. Olivia Quibo-Hurst did not. Hell, I didn’t even know she’d tried out! Same with Monique Vieras. Tatiana McConnico is not going through. I remember her name, which puts her over the previous two, but not if I liked her.
A.J. Tabaldo has auditioned five times before. Apparently, persistence wins out over talent, because he’s though. Stephanie Edwards is next. And if you’re hearing a lot of names for the first time, it’s not your failing memory. Many of these people have never been seen nor heard of before this evening, because, well, Idol being Idol, we had to watch people like Ian Benardo and Jasmine Camel Foot. Stephanie is through. Leslie Hunt is up next and Ryan claims her best performance was her final Hollywood week audition. Yikes. I nodded of twice listening to 15 seconds of her somnambulant version of “Until You Come Back to Me.” Leslie makes it through. Man, this is gonna be one fucking dull season.
Nick Pedro, the quitter from last year, sings a flat version of the Bryan Adams song and is put through, which says more about the judges’ love for that song than this year’s talent pool.
Alaina Alexander, someone I do remember as not liking, is talking about blubbering. Randy tries bullshitting her before we’re tortured by her rotten version of “Without You.” Make it stop. Alaina is on the verge of tears before being told she is through. Now I’m on the verge of tears.
Chris Richardson, the unimpressive Timberlake wannabe is also through. Sabrina Sloan is also through. Meh. Jerome Chism (?) not through. Joelle James (?) not through. Matthew Buckstein, Princess Johnson, both cut. How Buckstein got this far, no idea.
Lakeisha Jones, who I really liked and still like is through. I’m very happy for her and for me, since there are two or three people who will be bearable to listen to.
Nicole Tranquillo, who is a complete snore, goes through. Jared Cotter, another complete fucking dullard, is also through. Amy Krebs, totally beige, is through.
Final judgments. One spot left for each sex, four people wait to hear. Marisa and Antonella go up first. If it’s not Antonella, the show has officially jumped the shark, though Marisa is better than many that made it through. Antonella fucks up her last audition, but she makes it through. I would have chosen Marisa over the last two women.
Now it’s between Thomas Daniels and Jason Head. Tommy is a great singer, Jason is not. So of course, the judges choose Jason. And I think that basically sums up the coming episodes, folks. I wouldn’t swim out too far for fear of shark bites.
Before we go, I thought I would make up a list of people who got cut in favor of Jason Head, Paul Kim, Alaina Alexander and Gina Glocksen.
Thomas Daniels: Jason’s seat mate who outsang him 10 to 1.
Kia Thornton: The last auditioner on the first day of NYC who we never saw again.
Jenry Bejerano: In my opinion, the best male singer of this season. This guy was the complete package and to have let him go was a major blunder.
Jory Steinberg: Excellent voice. Was made an example of for no good reason at the very beginning of Hollywood week.
Bernard Williams: The guy Paula said was off-key at his first audition.
Nichole Glatzman: Never even made it to Hollywood. Shot down my Randy & Simon. Was told by her mother that she had no talent.
Ebonie: I can’t remember her last name, but she was the black Frisco’s car hop and had a fantastic voice. We never heard her sing again and saw her get cut during the group rounds.
My first mission is to vote for anyone else so that Jason Head is among the first of the guys to be cut. Who’s with me?
Seagulls out.
Elevator rides for all tonight. Speaking of which, my apologies for being a little late with the re-cap. Though I don’t advocate Valentine’s Day as a holiday whatsoever, I did have a date last night and I was otherwise occupied. We went to the movies and all was going fine until he turned to the coming attractions posters and said, “I really want to see ‘Ghost Rider.’” Needless to say, I came home alone.
We begin with Sanjaya Malakar. The more I see this kid, the more turned off I am by him. His final audition consists of a terribly shaky, off-key and VERY karaoke version of Grand Funk’s “Some Kind of Wonderful.” The kid has really ugly, over-producted hair, is much too breathy and obviously needs to cut the family apron strings. The sister guilting him needs to stop. I realize horses aren’t sacred in India, but this one has been beaten for all it’s worth. Honey, you sucked, you didn’t make it through, deal with it. Sanjaya, however, has made it through. I’m so far unimpressed.
Next up is 23-ft tall Anna Kearns, who doesn’t make the cut, then tries to argue that they’ve made a mistake because the show has never had anyone like her before. When Simon asks if she means “tall,” Anna gets huffy until finally, even she has to admit the only thing special about her is the ability to see into third floor windows wearing flats.
Bernard Williams is not through. I’m trying had to remember him without having to search the archives, but from what I recall, I liked him. Ah yes, he was the one who Paula claimed was completely off-key during his flawless audition. Wow.
Someone named Eric Davis, whom I’ve never seen before, is also cut, but since I have no idea who he is, I don’t care. Future “L Word” guest star Tami Gosnell is also cut, so the judges got one right. Never liked her and now I can leave her alone.
Melinda Doolittle, one of my early favorites, is up next. I don’t recognize her final audition song, but she sang it very well. Simon tells her she is no longer a backup singer and that she is ready to stand on her own. She’s through to the next round. So far, Melinda has my full support.
Brandon Rogers, another back-up singer who I remember liking a lot, is also through, though I can’t say I was terribly impressed with his final audition, a listless rendition of “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman,” in which the back-up singers, ironically enough, did all the heavy lifting.
Gina Glocksen is next up. I hope she doesn’t make it. Her final audition was the same Bryan Adams song Brandon sang, though sung about fifty times worse. She sounded like she was doing an ad for Ricola. Oh fuck, she’s through. The judges have completely lost it. I will be sure and vigorously NOT vote for Gina. Haley Scarnato has somehow also, inexplicably made it through. I’ve never been impressed with her and her final audition did nothing to abate that apathy.
Jimmy McNeal, the Ruben Studdard-lite, has been cut, as has someone named Eric Johnson.
Phil Stacy is up next. He’s the clown who skipped the birth of his child to audition. He’s also someone who I think is overrated, through I will admit, he’s done the best version of the Bryan Adams song so far. I only wonder if the women out there voting can be as forgiving as his wife because he’s through.
Shameless promotion time. Just when you thought you’d get away scot-free without any sightseeing footage, we get treated to an extended and unfunny clip from the forthcoming Simpsons movie which the boys got to see on their day off. And Idol’s own Comic Book Guy, chubby Chris Sligh, is about to hear his fate. Chris also sang the Bryan Adams song for his final audition and all I can think is that the generation after me had some really sucky music that was iconic for them. Chris does sing it well, though and it’s the first time I even raise an eyebrow toward him. Simon tells Chris he has a great personality, but wasn’t one of the better singers, however, they put him through, giving us the first official reminder that this isn’t really a singing competition.
Beat-box Blake is next. Maybe we’ll get to actually hear him sing before he gets voted off. For the time being, he’s through. Thomas Lowe is not so fortunate. The final member of the ersatz BeeGees act, Rudy Cardenas, is up next. I’ve also not been impressed with Rudy and his final audition, a screechy version of “Georgia on My Mind,” is rotten, but enough to get him through.
Paul Kim, someone with little talent, but the all important PC factor, promises that if he goes through, he will always be barefoot. Big deal. Now pregnant, that would be impressive. Paul sings a ridiculous version of “How Deep is Your Love,” for his final audition. The judges have their poker face schtick down so well, there’s little to no suspense left while they minstrel it up trying to fool the contestants. Paula apologizes to Paul that he’ll have to come back and I can’t help feeling she’s actually talking to me. This guy is the male Gina Glocksen for me, or more to the point, he’s this year’s Sway Penala. I hope he flames out as quickly.
Jordin Sparks is also through, which is a good thing. Olivia Quibo-Hurst did not. Hell, I didn’t even know she’d tried out! Same with Monique Vieras. Tatiana McConnico is not going through. I remember her name, which puts her over the previous two, but not if I liked her.
A.J. Tabaldo has auditioned five times before. Apparently, persistence wins out over talent, because he’s though. Stephanie Edwards is next. And if you’re hearing a lot of names for the first time, it’s not your failing memory. Many of these people have never been seen nor heard of before this evening, because, well, Idol being Idol, we had to watch people like Ian Benardo and Jasmine Camel Foot. Stephanie is through. Leslie Hunt is up next and Ryan claims her best performance was her final Hollywood week audition. Yikes. I nodded of twice listening to 15 seconds of her somnambulant version of “Until You Come Back to Me.” Leslie makes it through. Man, this is gonna be one fucking dull season.
Nick Pedro, the quitter from last year, sings a flat version of the Bryan Adams song and is put through, which says more about the judges’ love for that song than this year’s talent pool.
Alaina Alexander, someone I do remember as not liking, is talking about blubbering. Randy tries bullshitting her before we’re tortured by her rotten version of “Without You.” Make it stop. Alaina is on the verge of tears before being told she is through. Now I’m on the verge of tears.
Chris Richardson, the unimpressive Timberlake wannabe is also through. Sabrina Sloan is also through. Meh. Jerome Chism (?) not through. Joelle James (?) not through. Matthew Buckstein, Princess Johnson, both cut. How Buckstein got this far, no idea.
Lakeisha Jones, who I really liked and still like is through. I’m very happy for her and for me, since there are two or three people who will be bearable to listen to.
Nicole Tranquillo, who is a complete snore, goes through. Jared Cotter, another complete fucking dullard, is also through. Amy Krebs, totally beige, is through.
Final judgments. One spot left for each sex, four people wait to hear. Marisa and Antonella go up first. If it’s not Antonella, the show has officially jumped the shark, though Marisa is better than many that made it through. Antonella fucks up her last audition, but she makes it through. I would have chosen Marisa over the last two women.
Now it’s between Thomas Daniels and Jason Head. Tommy is a great singer, Jason is not. So of course, the judges choose Jason. And I think that basically sums up the coming episodes, folks. I wouldn’t swim out too far for fear of shark bites.
Before we go, I thought I would make up a list of people who got cut in favor of Jason Head, Paul Kim, Alaina Alexander and Gina Glocksen.
Thomas Daniels: Jason’s seat mate who outsang him 10 to 1.
Kia Thornton: The last auditioner on the first day of NYC who we never saw again.
Jenry Bejerano: In my opinion, the best male singer of this season. This guy was the complete package and to have let him go was a major blunder.
Jory Steinberg: Excellent voice. Was made an example of for no good reason at the very beginning of Hollywood week.
Bernard Williams: The guy Paula said was off-key at his first audition.
Nichole Glatzman: Never even made it to Hollywood. Shot down my Randy & Simon. Was told by her mother that she had no talent.
Ebonie: I can’t remember her last name, but she was the black Frisco’s car hop and had a fantastic voice. We never heard her sing again and saw her get cut during the group rounds.
My first mission is to vote for anyone else so that Jason Head is among the first of the guys to be cut. Who’s with me?
Seagulls out.
posted by kieran at 2:02 PM
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