You Can't Stop the Bum Rush. AI Re-cap 2/27/07
Well, I was actually looking forward to tonight’s show and re-cap until I wound up going out and now have to start this mother at 11:30pm. The fact that Seacrest is going to be crowing about Jennifer Hudson’s recent Oscar win as though he’d accomplished it, himself, isn’t going to help any. Yes, for those of you lucky enough to miss the news, Jennifer Hudson won the Oscar for Dreamgirls on Sunday, not for giving any sort of performance that even closely resembled Effie White, but for doing a verbatim imitation of Whitney Houston in “Waiting to Exhale,” hands on hips and head waggling so much, I wanted to dress her up like Jesus and put her on my dashboard. But you know, it makes for a good story and since when have the Oscars been about quality first? They hired Ellen DeGeneres to host. I know Ellen is a lesbian with a capital LLLLL, but would it kill her to put on a dress. Hell, Jodie Foster is as butch as they come, but even she shows up looking like a woman, not a Detroit pimp, circa 1973. But at least her clothes made me laugh, which was more than I can say for her monologue. I’ve heard knock-knock jokes that were more cutting edge.
Okay, Hedwig and Rufus are glaring at me. It’s their bedtime and I’m keeping them up, so let’s get going. Tonight, the remaining ten male contestants (or nine and Sanjaya- hiyohhhhhh!) will compete. Let’s hope they can at least muster their C game so it won’t be as painful as last week. Seacrest is dressed in an outfit rejected by Ellen for the Oscars as being too femme as he claims that for the guys, this week it’s personal, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. Sanjaya has gone full tilt Michael Jackson, wearing a toddler-catching fedora. Jason Head has been stress eating. And of course, there’s Ryan mentioning Hudson. They show a photo of her holding her award. It looks like she must have rushed to the ladies room and changed out of that shiteous brown dress she was wearing, because she has on a gold lame’ number in the picture. Jeff Foxworthy is in the audience tonight, possibly looking for new “You know you’re a redneck…” material. Jeff, you’re about a season too late, but I’m sure someone can hook you up with Kellie Pickler’s phone number or the location of the jail her daddy is in.
Randy says he knows the boys are going to be a lot better this week than last. Paula immediately switches coke cups with him and makes a mental note to have the on-set P.A. fired right after the show. Paula tells the guys to have fun and say they are celebrities now. Funny, I can’t even remember half their names and I just heard them 60 seconds ago.
In order to waste the requisite amount of time to fill out 90 minutes, the contestants are asked to dedicate their performances to someone who inspires them. Phil Stacey, who is up first, dedicates his to his Navy Battalion. Yes, that’s right. Seeing as how Lakeisha has the corner on children and now knowing that all the other military folk have fallen by the wayside, Phil feels confident that his naval status is a great tool to help him overcome his general unlikeability and frightening resemblance to Max Schreck. I’m hearing more about Phil right now than I ever wanted to learn about all of the contestants put together. Shut the fuck up and sing. And sing he does. It’s John Waite’s “Missing You,” one of the few ‘80s songs I’ll never be nostalgic for. Phil is suffering from the same problem he did in his initial audition and every time thereafter- a very rough start to the song. He manages to right the boat, but it’s dull sailing. There’s nothing terribly wrong with this guy’s voice, but he’s a complete and utter bore. And late in the game shouting isn’t going to make me remember a nap-inducing performance. Randy lies through his teeth, because this week the guys are going to be excellent no matter how much they have to color the truth. Can’t have the masses thinking they shouldn’t be tuning in to watch Tuesday’s shows. Simon tells the truth and gets booed for it. He calls Phil a very good karaoke voice but thinks that his popularity will keep him this week. I agree. It’s not quite time for Phil to go. Let’s dump him at #11 so he can’t go on tour and has to go back to do the job he signed up for- naval recruit.
I’d rather get a hysterectomy than watch this new Fox show The Wedding Belles.
Ryan in the red room asks the guys what the buzz has been since last week’s show. Instead of the obvious answer- that someone is trying to smear Antonella Barba with fake blow-job photos, they answer some innocuous blather about singing. Jared Cotter, who’s next, says he’s going to be more adventurous and sing some Marvin Gaye. Wow, way to take a risk, there. If this show doesn’t pan out for Jared, he could always get a job as one of the cavemen on the Geico commercials. Jared is dedicating his performance to his mom, who made his lazy ass go to the audition. Jared does sound a lot like Marvin Gaye- after he was shot in the stomach. Painful and strained when it isn’t dull. I’m gonna finish this one out playing fetch with Hedwig. I know Simon has been trotting out the karaoke offense a lot this season, but boy is it so worthy. Randy liked it and his behavior is just off the fucking wall tonight. Simon calls it “Love Boat.” Jared tries to pretend he’s sexy and Ryan tries to pretend he’s actually had sex to this song. Jared, if you’re going to dress up in a blazer and slacks, you might want to wear something other than white tennis shoes. Your outfit was as corny as your performance.
A.J. Tabaldo is up next and is dedicating his performance to his parents. We see an Olan Mills family portrait of some extras from “Chico and the Man, so I assume those are the folks. Wonder if they know he’s gay? Tabaldo is singing Nina Simone’s “Feelin’ Good,” and I wish I knew voodoo so I could raise her body from the dead and send her down to the studio to kick his craptacular ass. I actually knew Nina Simone for a brief period of time and she would slap the fuck out of this candy ass for what he’s doing to her song. A.J. starts sashay/shantaying up and down the stage. I feel like we’re watching Ugly Betty’s nephew five years from now. But Kieran, how were the vocals? Well, best of the night so far, which isn’t saying much. AJ can sing, there’s no doubt. What he can’t do is perform, which seems to be the downfall of all of the guys this year. The judges compliment his voice but they all feel like they’re dancing around something they’re afraid to say. Simon sort of touches on it when he says AJ looked “strangely comfortable” (i.e. gayer than a pair of Madame’s jeweled panties) and when Ryan starts to question the comment, Simon cautions him to drop it.
Continuing the West Hollywood Pride Parade, Sanjaya Malakar is up next. He’s dedicating his performance to his grandfather. And we see there’s some Caucasian blood in the family. They show a photo of Sanjaya as a little boy and he looks like a creepy chick even at age three. Sanjaya smiles too widely and I find it unsettling. He decides to croon tonight, performing “Steppin’ Out.” It’s not even karaoke, more like high school variety show. Simon, you can have that one with my blessing, mix it up a bit with your usual standbys. I’m half expecting three jocks from the football team to stand up and throw eggs at him. Randy didn’t like it and oh my god- we’re in agreement about the high school thing. Simon hated it even more. Sanjaya says he chose the song for his grandpa and gets an “awwww” from the audience. Don’t be fooled, suckers. It’s time for Aladdin to take a magic carpet ride home. But go ahead and vote for him, maybe by next week, the other testicle will have dropped.
Chris Sligh is talking with Ryan and man, you learn something new every day. Apparently ol’ Chinese Phone Book is married and to a halfway decent looking chick. If this troll can sucker some poor woman into matrimony, then there’s hope for rotund, funny-in-their-own-head kind of guys all around. Sligh is singing the Ray LaMontagne song that Taylor did last year, which is basically repeating the word “Trouble,” sixty three times in a row to an atonal groove. I seem to remember Taylor did a decent job on this last year and the judges hated it. Man, what is the problem tonight with the guys? Chris’ voice sounds fine, but his performance skills suck ass. At one point, he turned away from the audience and sang into the floor. They cut to a shot of his wife in the crowd and now all I’m wondering is if she has to lift up his belly in order to find his penis. Please, god, don’t show Jason Head’s wife. Okay, Chris- good voice, so not a star. And here’s a sentence I never thought I’d type- Taylor blew Chris out of the water if we’re comparing versions. Seacrest actually says “It’s time for Fox to make good with the benjamins.” How do people just not point and laugh at him when they see him on the street?
Nick Pedro is now singing. He’s dedicating his performance to his girlfriend Caitlin, so all of you who had Nick as gay, you lose the pool. She’s cute and they make a really cute couple. Nick is singing “Fever.” So Nick sounds good, if a bit breathy, though his performance skills are just as dull as everyone else’s. He almost makes it through scot-free when he goes off-key and never manages to find his way back for the rest of the song. Damn. I was pulling for you, babe. Randy thinks it’s cool that everyone has come back and done better than they did last week. That’s like saying after causing a 40 car pile-up on the freeway, this time you managed to only take out a couple pedestrians.
Last week, Blake Lewis blew two opportunities to show us he was more than just a beat-boxer, first with his badly off-key version of “Somewhere Only We Know,” then his Peter Brady-esque few lines of “Sowing the Seeds of Love.” In my opinion, this guy can’t sing too well. Can he turn me around by singing “Virtual Insanity?” I’m as big a Jamiroquai fan as I am Keane, so it’s doubtful. Blake is off-key right out of the gate, but rights himself fairly quickly. And for those of you who had “Week Two” as when Blake would pull out the beat boxing, congratulations. Of all the male performers, Blake is the only one with a shred of charisma, so it goes a long way in helping him with some of his off pitches. So far, it’s been the best of the evening, but again, it’s not saying much. These guys are not good. Ryan and Paula loved it up, but Simon felt Blake was copying Jamiroquai in parts and off-key in others. Could we just fire Paula and Randy and let Simon talk the whole time?
Brandon Rogers is dedicating his song to his Grandma. I think Brandon is adorable, easily the best looking chap in the bunch. This gives me something to concentrate on other than his shaky, unconfident performance of “Time After Time.” It gets better, but Brandon is aided mightily by the backup singers. The truncation of the song didn’t do him any favors, either. The judges didn’t love it. Brandon tries to- good lord! My cat just took a dump so fragrant that it would have cleared out a VFW hall of drunken vets. Kee-rist! I can smell it all the way at the other end of the house. Okay, sorry. Brandon tries to play the dedication angle, but Simon is right- shut up about the grandma story and just sing.
Timberlite is up next. Chris Richardson is also dedicating to grandma, who he calls “spunky.” Chris is singing a really crap-ass Jason Mraz song called “Geek in the Pink.” I guess this is the week for High School variety shows. Richardson tries to wigga out to give the song some flavor. He must have been speaking Randy’s language because Jackson thinks it was better than the original version. The other judges loved it too, so maybe I’m the one with shit in my ears. Richardson has clearly inherited the Ace Young/Constantine Maroulis mantle this year. Doesn’t matter how you sound cause the girlies wanna fuck you, so we’ll keep you on until we have no more use for you.
Jason Head is going to be bringing this underwhelming evening to a close. Lucky us. Jason is playing the newborn card tonight and for those who accuse Lakeisha of pimping out her child to get votes- watch Jason and see what that maneuver really looks like. Head says maybe one day he and his son can sit on the couch and watch this and laugh. Cringe in embarrassment is more like it. Jason is singing “Mustang Sally.” He’s finally sounding like he did at the first audition, though it’s been so long since we’ve heard that I forgot what it sounded like. Now I remember I wasn’t too impressed from the get-go. Sure, it’s better than the several steaming piles of feces he’s dumped all over the show since then, but so what? The judges will likely go apeshit and they do, easily pretending Head hasn’t been god-fucking-awful for the past month.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that not one of these performances were as good as Kevin Covais’ last week on the show singing “When I Fall in Love.” Keep Chris Sligh and Brandon Rogers and the ten girls and move on from there.
My choices 1-10 from suck-lite to shitbreath
1- Jason Head
2- Nick Pedro
3- AJ Tabaldo
4- Chris Sligh
5- Blake Lewis
6- Brandon Rogers
7- Phil Stacey
8- Chris Richardson
9- Jared Cotter
10- Sanjaya Malakar
Who should go: Sanjaya Malakar and Jared Cotter
Who will go: Jared Cotter and Brandon Rogers or maybe AJ Tabaldo
That’s 2 hours and 25 minutes I could have spent reading a book or buying shoes online.
Seagulls pissed.
Okay, Hedwig and Rufus are glaring at me. It’s their bedtime and I’m keeping them up, so let’s get going. Tonight, the remaining ten male contestants (or nine and Sanjaya- hiyohhhhhh!) will compete. Let’s hope they can at least muster their C game so it won’t be as painful as last week. Seacrest is dressed in an outfit rejected by Ellen for the Oscars as being too femme as he claims that for the guys, this week it’s personal, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. Sanjaya has gone full tilt Michael Jackson, wearing a toddler-catching fedora. Jason Head has been stress eating. And of course, there’s Ryan mentioning Hudson. They show a photo of her holding her award. It looks like she must have rushed to the ladies room and changed out of that shiteous brown dress she was wearing, because she has on a gold lame’ number in the picture. Jeff Foxworthy is in the audience tonight, possibly looking for new “You know you’re a redneck…” material. Jeff, you’re about a season too late, but I’m sure someone can hook you up with Kellie Pickler’s phone number or the location of the jail her daddy is in.
Randy says he knows the boys are going to be a lot better this week than last. Paula immediately switches coke cups with him and makes a mental note to have the on-set P.A. fired right after the show. Paula tells the guys to have fun and say they are celebrities now. Funny, I can’t even remember half their names and I just heard them 60 seconds ago.
In order to waste the requisite amount of time to fill out 90 minutes, the contestants are asked to dedicate their performances to someone who inspires them. Phil Stacey, who is up first, dedicates his to his Navy Battalion. Yes, that’s right. Seeing as how Lakeisha has the corner on children and now knowing that all the other military folk have fallen by the wayside, Phil feels confident that his naval status is a great tool to help him overcome his general unlikeability and frightening resemblance to Max Schreck. I’m hearing more about Phil right now than I ever wanted to learn about all of the contestants put together. Shut the fuck up and sing. And sing he does. It’s John Waite’s “Missing You,” one of the few ‘80s songs I’ll never be nostalgic for. Phil is suffering from the same problem he did in his initial audition and every time thereafter- a very rough start to the song. He manages to right the boat, but it’s dull sailing. There’s nothing terribly wrong with this guy’s voice, but he’s a complete and utter bore. And late in the game shouting isn’t going to make me remember a nap-inducing performance. Randy lies through his teeth, because this week the guys are going to be excellent no matter how much they have to color the truth. Can’t have the masses thinking they shouldn’t be tuning in to watch Tuesday’s shows. Simon tells the truth and gets booed for it. He calls Phil a very good karaoke voice but thinks that his popularity will keep him this week. I agree. It’s not quite time for Phil to go. Let’s dump him at #11 so he can’t go on tour and has to go back to do the job he signed up for- naval recruit.
I’d rather get a hysterectomy than watch this new Fox show The Wedding Belles.
Ryan in the red room asks the guys what the buzz has been since last week’s show. Instead of the obvious answer- that someone is trying to smear Antonella Barba with fake blow-job photos, they answer some innocuous blather about singing. Jared Cotter, who’s next, says he’s going to be more adventurous and sing some Marvin Gaye. Wow, way to take a risk, there. If this show doesn’t pan out for Jared, he could always get a job as one of the cavemen on the Geico commercials. Jared is dedicating his performance to his mom, who made his lazy ass go to the audition. Jared does sound a lot like Marvin Gaye- after he was shot in the stomach. Painful and strained when it isn’t dull. I’m gonna finish this one out playing fetch with Hedwig. I know Simon has been trotting out the karaoke offense a lot this season, but boy is it so worthy. Randy liked it and his behavior is just off the fucking wall tonight. Simon calls it “Love Boat.” Jared tries to pretend he’s sexy and Ryan tries to pretend he’s actually had sex to this song. Jared, if you’re going to dress up in a blazer and slacks, you might want to wear something other than white tennis shoes. Your outfit was as corny as your performance.
A.J. Tabaldo is up next and is dedicating his performance to his parents. We see an Olan Mills family portrait of some extras from “Chico and the Man, so I assume those are the folks. Wonder if they know he’s gay? Tabaldo is singing Nina Simone’s “Feelin’ Good,” and I wish I knew voodoo so I could raise her body from the dead and send her down to the studio to kick his craptacular ass. I actually knew Nina Simone for a brief period of time and she would slap the fuck out of this candy ass for what he’s doing to her song. A.J. starts sashay/shantaying up and down the stage. I feel like we’re watching Ugly Betty’s nephew five years from now. But Kieran, how were the vocals? Well, best of the night so far, which isn’t saying much. AJ can sing, there’s no doubt. What he can’t do is perform, which seems to be the downfall of all of the guys this year. The judges compliment his voice but they all feel like they’re dancing around something they’re afraid to say. Simon sort of touches on it when he says AJ looked “strangely comfortable” (i.e. gayer than a pair of Madame’s jeweled panties) and when Ryan starts to question the comment, Simon cautions him to drop it.
Continuing the West Hollywood Pride Parade, Sanjaya Malakar is up next. He’s dedicating his performance to his grandfather. And we see there’s some Caucasian blood in the family. They show a photo of Sanjaya as a little boy and he looks like a creepy chick even at age three. Sanjaya smiles too widely and I find it unsettling. He decides to croon tonight, performing “Steppin’ Out.” It’s not even karaoke, more like high school variety show. Simon, you can have that one with my blessing, mix it up a bit with your usual standbys. I’m half expecting three jocks from the football team to stand up and throw eggs at him. Randy didn’t like it and oh my god- we’re in agreement about the high school thing. Simon hated it even more. Sanjaya says he chose the song for his grandpa and gets an “awwww” from the audience. Don’t be fooled, suckers. It’s time for Aladdin to take a magic carpet ride home. But go ahead and vote for him, maybe by next week, the other testicle will have dropped.
Chris Sligh is talking with Ryan and man, you learn something new every day. Apparently ol’ Chinese Phone Book is married and to a halfway decent looking chick. If this troll can sucker some poor woman into matrimony, then there’s hope for rotund, funny-in-their-own-head kind of guys all around. Sligh is singing the Ray LaMontagne song that Taylor did last year, which is basically repeating the word “Trouble,” sixty three times in a row to an atonal groove. I seem to remember Taylor did a decent job on this last year and the judges hated it. Man, what is the problem tonight with the guys? Chris’ voice sounds fine, but his performance skills suck ass. At one point, he turned away from the audience and sang into the floor. They cut to a shot of his wife in the crowd and now all I’m wondering is if she has to lift up his belly in order to find his penis. Please, god, don’t show Jason Head’s wife. Okay, Chris- good voice, so not a star. And here’s a sentence I never thought I’d type- Taylor blew Chris out of the water if we’re comparing versions. Seacrest actually says “It’s time for Fox to make good with the benjamins.” How do people just not point and laugh at him when they see him on the street?
Nick Pedro is now singing. He’s dedicating his performance to his girlfriend Caitlin, so all of you who had Nick as gay, you lose the pool. She’s cute and they make a really cute couple. Nick is singing “Fever.” So Nick sounds good, if a bit breathy, though his performance skills are just as dull as everyone else’s. He almost makes it through scot-free when he goes off-key and never manages to find his way back for the rest of the song. Damn. I was pulling for you, babe. Randy thinks it’s cool that everyone has come back and done better than they did last week. That’s like saying after causing a 40 car pile-up on the freeway, this time you managed to only take out a couple pedestrians.
Last week, Blake Lewis blew two opportunities to show us he was more than just a beat-boxer, first with his badly off-key version of “Somewhere Only We Know,” then his Peter Brady-esque few lines of “Sowing the Seeds of Love.” In my opinion, this guy can’t sing too well. Can he turn me around by singing “Virtual Insanity?” I’m as big a Jamiroquai fan as I am Keane, so it’s doubtful. Blake is off-key right out of the gate, but rights himself fairly quickly. And for those of you who had “Week Two” as when Blake would pull out the beat boxing, congratulations. Of all the male performers, Blake is the only one with a shred of charisma, so it goes a long way in helping him with some of his off pitches. So far, it’s been the best of the evening, but again, it’s not saying much. These guys are not good. Ryan and Paula loved it up, but Simon felt Blake was copying Jamiroquai in parts and off-key in others. Could we just fire Paula and Randy and let Simon talk the whole time?
Brandon Rogers is dedicating his song to his Grandma. I think Brandon is adorable, easily the best looking chap in the bunch. This gives me something to concentrate on other than his shaky, unconfident performance of “Time After Time.” It gets better, but Brandon is aided mightily by the backup singers. The truncation of the song didn’t do him any favors, either. The judges didn’t love it. Brandon tries to- good lord! My cat just took a dump so fragrant that it would have cleared out a VFW hall of drunken vets. Kee-rist! I can smell it all the way at the other end of the house. Okay, sorry. Brandon tries to play the dedication angle, but Simon is right- shut up about the grandma story and just sing.
Timberlite is up next. Chris Richardson is also dedicating to grandma, who he calls “spunky.” Chris is singing a really crap-ass Jason Mraz song called “Geek in the Pink.” I guess this is the week for High School variety shows. Richardson tries to wigga out to give the song some flavor. He must have been speaking Randy’s language because Jackson thinks it was better than the original version. The other judges loved it too, so maybe I’m the one with shit in my ears. Richardson has clearly inherited the Ace Young/Constantine Maroulis mantle this year. Doesn’t matter how you sound cause the girlies wanna fuck you, so we’ll keep you on until we have no more use for you.
Jason Head is going to be bringing this underwhelming evening to a close. Lucky us. Jason is playing the newborn card tonight and for those who accuse Lakeisha of pimping out her child to get votes- watch Jason and see what that maneuver really looks like. Head says maybe one day he and his son can sit on the couch and watch this and laugh. Cringe in embarrassment is more like it. Jason is singing “Mustang Sally.” He’s finally sounding like he did at the first audition, though it’s been so long since we’ve heard that I forgot what it sounded like. Now I remember I wasn’t too impressed from the get-go. Sure, it’s better than the several steaming piles of feces he’s dumped all over the show since then, but so what? The judges will likely go apeshit and they do, easily pretending Head hasn’t been god-fucking-awful for the past month.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that not one of these performances were as good as Kevin Covais’ last week on the show singing “When I Fall in Love.” Keep Chris Sligh and Brandon Rogers and the ten girls and move on from there.
My choices 1-10 from suck-lite to shitbreath
1- Jason Head
2- Nick Pedro
3- AJ Tabaldo
4- Chris Sligh
5- Blake Lewis
6- Brandon Rogers
7- Phil Stacey
8- Chris Richardson
9- Jared Cotter
10- Sanjaya Malakar
Who should go: Sanjaya Malakar and Jared Cotter
Who will go: Jared Cotter and Brandon Rogers or maybe AJ Tabaldo
That’s 2 hours and 25 minutes I could have spent reading a book or buying shoes online.
Seagulls pissed.
posted by kieran at 8:38 AM
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