Wednesday, February 28, 2007

DooPlenty! AI Re-cap 2/28/07

Before we begin tonight, I’d like to pose a question to any readers out there who follow “America’s Next Top Model.” I, myself, don’t watch the show and never have but I came across five minutes of it tonight and it struck me- This is, what, the 500th season of this show or something and, other than being used for other Viacom-based reality shows, have any of the winners actually gone on to do anything else, you know like actual modeling? Just wondering.

Well, after last night’s show, in which everyone tried to pretend the boys didn’t suck as badly as they did last week, there’s a small glimmer of hope- we get to see the ladies perform. I get to hear the lovely, lilting tones of Stephanie and Melinda, feel sorry for Antonella and rag hard on Alaina, Haley and Gina. Such fun. Randy is wearing a fugly-assed paisley shirt that looks like Prince’s old backing band threw up on him. Even more hideous is the lie he keeps perpetuating that the guys are actually starting to do well. I thought more about it today and there wasn’t one performance I’d even remember or want to watch again. Not one single standout. And it’s way too late in the competition for these guys to not have their game faces on. Forget nerves, forget inexperience. There isn’t a star performer in the bunch.

But you came here to see me beat up the girls and, good news, we’re starting with a doozy- Gina Glocksen. Don’t forget, it’s still dedication week. Let’s see if Gina decided to single out a song to anyone else but herself. Surprise, surprise, Gina has a boyfriend. She found someone who can put up with her me-me-me bullshit. Gina yammers on about how she wasn’t going to audition for Idol this year because she felt so rejected from the years before. There’s that entitlement creeping in. Gina is in the dreaded first position, so let’s hope it works its magic, though to be honest, I could put up with her ass for one more week if it meant dumping Haley and Alaina. As much as Gina bugs me, I can at least stand to listen to her sing. Taking another page out of her strategy book, Gina decides to sing “Alone,” by Heart. You really can’t go wrong with an Ann and Nance song; hell, even Melissa McGhee managed to keep her ass in the game with one. Is it me, or are the songs cut down even shorter this year. It doesn’t even feel like Gina was onstage for longer than 60 seconds. Anyhow, it was not very good. The first verse was pitchy and not confident, then when she got into the chorus, the back-up singers harmony blew her out of the water. She managed to hit one of the three money notes toward the end, which should be enough to carry her through, but the sad part is, Heart songs are no longer a sure thing. I can still remember Carrie Underwood’s performance of this song two years ago. It gave me chills and she never came close to duplicating that talent on the show again, though she’s done well where it counts. Randy liked it but called it pitchy. Paula brought up Carrie Underwood and then seemed to completely lose her train of thought and Simon said he was confused as to what image Gina was trying to go for, because that concerns him more than the singing, sometimes. He thought Gina was edgier, which brings up the first hoot-worthy comment of the night, made by Randy- “That song IS edgy.” No, hon, that song was a Number 1 Adult Contemporary single. Edgy it is not. Your fucking hideous shirt is edgier than that song. Paula starts going off on what Gina is wearing, completely obliterating the point Simon was trying to make. Ryan insinuates himself into the conversation, trying to get Gina’s boyfriend to propose. Hey, Ryan, if I were you, I’ be concerned with my own sham marriage preparations than trying to stick my nose in to other folks’ real business. This one needs to buy the best beard money can find.

Alaina Alexander is next and she answers Ryan’s hard hitting question about song choice by saying that this week she picked a really well-known song. Uh, “Brass in Pocket” is a really well-known song, sweetheart, you just stabbed it over and over with a dull butter knife. Song choice ain’t your problem, lack of talent is. Alaina has chosen “Not Ready to Make Nice,” by the Dixie Chicks, which she dedicates to her mom. After the first three notes, I know I’m not ready to make nice, either. Shaky, off-key and completely drowned out by the back-up singers during the chorus. And a really bad dye job. Why is she here again? Alaina’s voice is so weak, there are times when I can’t even hear her over the ladies in the back. This is probably a blessing in disguise. Now she’s shouting. Paula is in her cups and standing and clapping. If this chick doesn’t go this week, there’s no justice. Randy says it was a mess and Alaina sticks her tongue out. Paula baldly lies and says it’s a hard song to sing, which even Randy can’t swallow. It’s not hard to sing, Paula, the back-up singers were handling it just fine. Simon said Alaina ran out of steam, which causes her to roll her eyes. Sweetie, if you can’t take criticism, especially when it’s warranted, go the fuck home. Paula feels bad and plays the “you look beautiful” card. They keep cutting back to some bitch sitting next to Alaina’s mom in a crocheted cap who keeps throwing out these nasty looks to the judges. Family, gotta love how blind they are. Ryan lets Alaina rebut (fuck this rebuttal shit that’s become de rigeur this season. Take your criticism and deal with it.) Alaina whines and moans to the judges, “What would you like me to do?” Go home.

Lakisha is next. I’m curious as to why she didn’t go first since she went last the previous week. Phil went first last night after being in the final spot the week before. Lakisha is dedicating her performance to her 90 year old grandma. Grandma looks damn spry for 90! Good for her. Grandma is in “luv” with Ryan Seacrest, so perhaps dementia is beginning to set in. Lakisha is singing “Midnight Train to Georgia,” and unlike Gina with Carrie, after Paris’ wretched performance of this song last year, there’s nowhere to go with it but up. I’ll be honest, I would have preferred hearing a better voice such as Melinda do this song. Lakisha was fine, but definitely off-pitch in spots. She’s better at handling lower range than Mandisa was, but she still resorted to some shouting toward the end when it wasn’t necessary. She gets a pass this week with hopefulness about her future prospects, but I have still yet to be blown away by her. The judges all liked her, though Simon wasn’t crazy about her orange top. Pardon me, “Salmon,” as Seacrest is quickly and emphatically pointing out. Umm, I’m gay and even I couldn’t tell the difference. I’m surprised Ryan didn’t look over at Sanjaya and go- back me up princess, it’s salmon, right?

Melinda Doolittle is next and I see they’re subtly trying to make the audience make a choice between black female divas. Big mistake. There’s room for all of them, especially this year, where the show would be nothing without them. Melinda is the first person not to dedicate her performance to a family member, and I love her for that even more. Instead, she’s singling out her two best girlfriends, though when we find out one is her vocal coach and one is her stylist, I don’t know that’s going to go over too well with poor, Midwest working folk. Doolittle is singing “My Funny Valentine,” and I see we already have a theme week going- Recycled Songs- not that after Melinda’s first two notes will anyone really be able to remember Constantine’s anemic take on this one from two years ago. Okay, that performance gave me literal chills. I still have gooseflesh. Folks, if you saw this, you just witnessed the birth of a star. Amazing. I’ll happily sit through the rest of the chaff if I’m allowed to hear Melinda once a week until the end of the season. The judges agree and I have definitely found one person I would eagerly pick up the phone for. Excellent job, Ms. Doolittle.

Thankfully, the show has decided not to address the nastiness going around the internet about Antonella Barba. I, for one, am in full support of her. I don’t think she did anything wrong and I think the photos, real, photoshopped or otherwise, have nothing to do with the competition. That being said, she still sang like shit last week, so I’m not giving her a pass on that. Tonight’s song is dedicated to her foxy brother Vincenzo. Barba is singing “I Turn to You,” and I already know before she sings one note that she’s going to get slammed for doing an Xtina song. Okay, whoops, she’s singing “Because You Loved Me,” by Celine Dion, so just repeat that comment and sub in the French bitch’s name. I kept that blunder in there because I wanted to illustrate just how much those two songs sound alike, and not in a good way. Barba is marginally better this week, but much like Jason Head before last night, she’s run out of chances. Over her shoulder, I keep seeing Haley Scarnato smirking during the performance, as though that skag has anything to feel superior about. Shouldn’t you be at a bris singing Hava Nagila? By the way, Antonella looks really hot this week and her dress is sexy. Randy thought it was terrible, Paula thought she improved considerably and Simon thought she was worse this week. Antonella makes an enemy of Simon by saying that she’s not going to listen to him because he rejected Jennifer Hudson and look what happened to her. And the Chris Sligh Out of Your Depth Sass award this week goes to… Simon swiftly corrects her that the voting public tossed Hudson out, not him. Only Antonella’s notoriety will save her if she makes it through another week.

Ryan makes a gay panic joke about Sanjaya’s hair (8) before introducing Jordin Sparks. Thanks, Ryan. Here I am trying to listen to Jordin dedicate her performance to her brother and all I can picture is how badly you want to give a pearl tiara to The Brown Bunny. Jordin is babbling and crying and just sing already. You’re seventeen fucking years old and your dad is richer than Croesus. You wanna cry, come spend a week at my house. Jordin is pitchier than a Tilt-a-Whirl and singing yet another song done by someone last season, “Reflection,” which I think was done by Ayla Brown, but I can’t be certain. Jordin hit her power notes, but the rest of the performance was kind of a mess. Not good tonight. And now she’s crying again, and I hope it’s because she realized she tanked it. Randy says the pitchiness doesn’t matter, Paula uses the word “really” 1700 times and Simon manages to get in another veiled dig at Alaina.

Finish slopping the pigs early tomorrow, because Idol’s special guest will be Kellie Pickler, whom they are desperately trying to push into legitimately going gold, not just lying about it. That’s five minutes I can fast forward through. Five minutes I wouldn’t dare fast forward through are coming up next in the form of Stephanie Edwards. Ryan wants to know all the gossip. Using the word catty won’t do much for your image, bub. God, Seacrest just has no discernible skills. Stephanie dedicating to parents. Over the whole dedication thing. Just sing. Out of the gate, Stephanie is completely out of synch with the music. I have no idea what this song is but it’s a terrible choice. It makes Stephanie sound worse than she is. It’s too staccato to show off any sense of vocals. I still have faith in Edwards, but she made a serious blunder. Oh, okay, this is a Beyonce song, which explains the staccato vibe. That bitch can’t handle more than two notes strung together without needing a breath and a cocktail and someone to fix her weave. Ladies, NEVER sing a Beyonce song if you want to show yourself off. Okay, I now fear for Steph’s safety. Randy is nuts, saying it was SO much better than last week. Stephanie fucking KILLED last week. Thankfully, Paula and Simon give her a pass. I wouldn’t have been so generous, but we need Stephanie in this competition and I think they realize that.

Ryan is trying to climb the steps to the ladies’ holding area and almost steps out of one of his lifts. Seriously, they may need to get him an elevator if his little legs can’t handle the trek. Leslie Hunt is next, dedicating to Grandpa Bob. She’s singing “Feelin’ Good.” Apparently, we’ve run out of songs from last season, so now we’re feeding on last night. I gotta say, Leslie is definitely growing on me. I think she sang this really well, though I’m not sure what the fly-overs will make of the scatting. She totally blew AJ Tabaldo out of the water and performed it more masculinely, to boot. Definitely one of the best of the week for me. Randy didn’t like it. He says it was pitchy, and he’s running on fumes. Paula loved it and Simon gets out one of the best zingers in a while when he says the reason she liked it is because the scatting reminded her of herself judging the show- unintelligible. Of course, none of this helps Leslie when she really needs it. Come on, guys, help this girl out. Simon says that no one will remember the performance. Oh, I will. Ryan comes out with a pathetic attempt at humor, trying to interpret the scatting Leslie did. He’s getting harder and harder to defend, those of you who still like him, isn’t he?

Scarnato is next. Her dedication is to her fiancée Bobby. Haley says he’s not good with her being so far away. Awww, that’s so sad. Let’s help out the happy couple and send this hack home. Good lord, Haley is actually tryin to do some Whitney- Queen of the Night. Honey, you aren’t even Queen of three in the afternoon. If she makes it through this week, she ought to send a fruit basket to each of the backup singers, who are rescuing her like her own personal Bodyguard. Haley’s power notes were wobbly, at best, and I think what’s missing from her performance is her asking for everyone to give a big hand for the new Mr. & Mrs. Tzeitelbaum. Randy says the thing he doesn’t like about the song is that there are more background parts than lead. Simon quips that that’s why Haley chose it and doofus Randy believes him, asking Haley if that’s true. Haley gets all superior and sneers at Simon. Send this bitch HOME. Randy says no good, Paula doesn’t try to discuss the actual performance tonight, other than it was better than last week. Simon says the effort was there, though it was a little manic and you can just see Haley completely checking out, mentally. After Simon tells her she’s one of two or three very vulnerable girls tonight, we actually see that familiar McPhee-I-just-smelled-a-fart look cross her face. Ryan tells Haley that her fiancée enjoyed it and the camera cuts to him with an expression of “I’m gonna dump this chick as soon as she gets booted, so please stop showing me.” Haley starts to well up, trying hard to garner sympathy where none is due. No, hon. I feel sorry for Antonella. You, I could care less about.

God, one more and I thought we were home free. Sabrina Sloan, or as Ryan says- “THIS. IsSabrinaSloan. Performance dedicated to Grandma. Sabrina is talking completely out of her nose. Let’s hope she doesn’t sing that way. Man, she has one fugly profile. And it’s another Whitney joint, “All the Man That I Need.” Sabrina has an okay voice, but she runs out of gas halfway through each of her power notes, so she should probably use them sparingly. She gets incredibly wobbly. All in all, she wiped the floor with Haley in terms of doing a Whitney song. Randy and Paula liked it, Simon not as much, but still likes Sabrina and thinks she’ll be back next week.

Okay, my Tivo just cut off, so if anything else happened, I missed it. Boo Hoo.

My rankings 1-12

1- Melinda Doolittle
2- Leslie Hunt
3- Lakisha Jones
4- Sabrina Sloan
5- Stephanie Edwards
6- Gina Glocksen
7- Jordin Sparks
8- Haley Scarnato (only because the backup singers helped)
9- Antonella Barba
10- Alaina Alexander

Who should go: Alaina and Haley
Who will go: Alaina and Leslie

These 90 minute shows are too long. Without all the dedications and Seacrest shtick, this coulda been an easy hour.Seagulls tired.

1 Comments:

Blogger Unknown said...

Hello Seagulls, and thanks for the recaps. This is the first week I've watched this season and so far we are in complete agreement. None of the guys do anything for me (apart from the fact that Brandon is sooooooo cute.) 4 white girls should be heading home over the next 2 weeks. Melinda Doolittle is awesome. I'm giving ATAI a miss this year since I can get your recaps here and that's all I really care about. Cheers! - The Viewer Formerly Known As "Soon To Choose"

7:49 AM  

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