Does Anyone Still Wear A Hat? AI Wrapup 2/22
It's Raining Men. Twelve boys and Ryan Seacrest is shorter than all of them. After last night's lackluster show, I am expecting the men to buh-ring it the way Stevie Scott threatened to. Ryan lies and talks about how terrific the ladies were and we're treated to shots of both Paris and Lisa at their MOST flat. Way to go. They manage to pimp Pickler and stick it to Heather and Stevie. And Katherine looking like
she has to take a shit onstage, running notes to a frazzle. Oh, it's all too much. Bad memories. Let's get to the boys already! (Oh yes, I forgot, we have two loooooong hours to fill.)
The boys' football team is paraded onstage. Sway is wearing one of Paula's hats from the "Spellbound" period. If we check his cell phone, are we going to find messages from her advising him on wardrobe, then blacking out in mid-speech? Taylor is last out and does an impersonation of all his Idols in a scary, foreboding pose.
RPS are introduced. Pauler got rid of the Imperial Priestess hairdo and is back to a demure part. I'm starting the Abdul count right now. We'll see how long it takes for the meds to kick in.
We're treated to a montage of the boys. Ace is gay, Sway is fuglideous(TM). Elliot is sweet. Kevin found Gandalf's ring. And Chuck E Cheez, I mean Gedeon, assures us that he has It. IT. IT! Uh-huh.
Patrick "Bread" Hall is first. Ryan nudges knees with him, coyly. We see his "If" clip and that note gets more desperate every time I hear it. Patrick is singing a lesbian song- Come to My Window by Melissa Etheridge. No word if Juliette Lewis will make a special appearance onstage. Patrick doesn't suck, maybe one or two small pitch problems, but he's pretty dull onstage. No emotion, no feeling. Fairly robotic.
Based on this, I wouldn't miss him if he goes, but I'm sure he'll slip by based on looks alone and the judges are letting him slide. But Simon gets it right- no star quality. Patrick is vowing to go back to his roots. Expect a lot of Leo Sayer, Gino Vanelli and Firefall.
David Radford is next. All I have to do is hear him sing the first note from his clip montage and I'm already grossed out. He's got a bracelet on that says WWFD? (what would Frank do?) Frank would NOT do Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Sammy Davis, Jr., yes. Frank, no. But David seems to be channeling John Davidson. We're treated to plenty of shots of all 125 of his teeth. He manages to stay on key, except for that last painful note, but he could have been playing a round of golf
with Dino while singing that. David's adorable, but you know he's terrible in bed. And he was terrible onstage. Randy slams him and I'm loving it. It looks like that ego problem is about to rear its ugly head. David is NOT happy with Randy. The "kitty" pound or the "Paula Poodle" pound yips their approval. I think Mandisa and Ayla left matching wet spots on their chairs.
Ladies and Gentlemen we have a "meds" time. 20 minutes in and Pauler is getting loopy. I'm guessing Klonopin. She loves David. Simon softballs him, because David is cute and Simon wants to get rid of the ugly boys first. Bye Bye, Bobby.
Bucky Covington is up next. Seacrest's knee is a little closer this time. If anyone wants to send Bucky a care package, please stick a hairbrush in there. Yes, I know it will disturb the fambly of critters nesting in there, but it's an emergency. Seacrest talks about Bucky forgetting the words and something akin to Boomhauer from King of the Hill spills forth from Bucky's mouth. I think it's not so much Bucky
forgot the lyrics as no one could understand him. Bucky is wearing a really ugly bling chain around his neck in the video and I wouldn't be surprised if there was a green ring underneath. He's singing a Lynrd Skynrd song. And I was hoping for Josh Groban.
Bucky is rough. very raspy. We cut to a shot of two trailer trash hoochies, both of which I'm sure Bucky convinced to let him fuck without a condom. Bucky has a James Hetfield from Metallica quality to his voice. That's not a compliment. Shot of Kellie clapping on the wrong beat. She's looking at daddy up there. It wasn't pleasant to listen to, but Randy lets it pass. Pauler wants her some Bucky, so she's loving him. Simon is being nicer than I thought he would, too. This is interesting, because I can't imagine he will get votes with that performance, but RPS are shilling for him. Seacrest says it shows an evolution that someone like Bucky is onstage in this competition. I think it shows that they're running out of singers. He asks Bucky what prompted him to audition. Bucky's response:
"Welldangol'dingdangol'BoBicenyeahveladangolrellawilldangolhatsofftoem."
WIlliam Makar is next. My fingers are crossed, cause so far it hasn't been pretty tonight. Oh, excuse me, it's "Will" Makar. I'm getting a slight undercurrent of gay from him. He's gonna sing "I Want You Back" by the Jackson Five and he likens his voice to an 11 year old Michael Jackson. He may be 11 but he's no Michael Jackson. He begins by getting lost and falling behind the band, then he does some very awkward Tony Manero moves and there are spots where he strains his voice badly. I'm really disappointed. He's a sweetheart and I've heard him do much better. It was a poor choice and I hope he'll be given another chance to make it right.
Ohhhh, Pauler references Bobby Brady. Maybe she's been reading our board. Randy and P are trying to help, but Simon is giving him less slack than people who are worse. I'm not disagreeing with him, but I hope Will gets another chance. Sway is up next. I want to carve a jack-o-lantern face in that big water on the brain head of his. We're treated to his multiple previous disasters in Hollywood (Klonopin for ALL!!) He'll be forgetting the words to "Reasons" by Earth Wind and Fire tonight. Sway's doing it for mama-san and papa-san because they sang it to him as a baby. Here's
hoping he doesn't call it "Leasons". Wait, isn't that song done completely in falsetto? *braces for it*....
It's pretty ear-splitting. Papa's not so much clapping along as he's trying to kill mosquitoes. Now, Phillip Bailey of EWF always sang in falsetto, that was his style. So is Sway going to always do the same? If not, then why do it now? it's not as if he excels at it. "Dis-A-peah-EAH-eah-EAH-eaaa-RRRRR." Katharine McPhee is jealous.
Paula claps like a seal. Randy loves it. Paula loves it (but wants her hat back) and Simon gets that it sucked. Yay Simon.
Five up- none good. The show's hopeful savior, Chris Daughtry, is up next. Seacrest wants to know all the gossip. Such a woman. I'm thrilled to get to hear Chris' version of The First Cut is the Deepest again and it's going to be in my head for another two weeks. Oh no, he chose Wanted, Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi, a truly awful song. Fingers crossed... Well... it's not a home run, but a solid double. Couple of
pitch problems, but the best thus far of the evening. I think a better song would have gotten him further, but he'll be back. Paula popped a Xanax during the last commercial break, she's off on a tangent. Simon declares Chris the first of the night with potential. Excellent.
Kevin Covais is next and Ryan is not rubbing knees with him, but standing over him to appear taller for once. Kevin has a mighty Longuyland accent with that lisp. Kevin is singing One Last Cry by Brian McKnight. People, have we learned nothing from Scott Savol??? Kevin says Brian is one of his role models. So Brian McKnight has the high score in Halo and masturbates to the poster of the Swedish bikini team on his bedroom wall, too? Who knew?
He starts off shaky. Scott Savol's parents are in the sudience cheering him. Katharine McPhee makes a bitchy Brenna face during his performance, probably thinking to herself "Dude, what are you doing?? Cry has at least 15 syllables!" Kevin stayed shaky, but I think it was nerves more than anything. it wasn't great. Randy gives him a huge pass from the dawg pound and Paula's trying to string together a sentence, but it's heartfelt. Simon ups the age bracket in his comments from 80 to 90. Pretty soon, the only one able to enjoy poor Kevin Covais will be Miss Jane Pittman.
Gedeon McKinney is up. His narration of his clips makes him sound like an honorary Brittenum twin. Next week- the fu man chu makes a comeback. Gedeon will be singing Shout, which he at least didn't credit to Barbra Streisand. "It's not a song I can just sing, but one I can really, really pufo-am." (Big teef smile)
I gotta hand it to him- he was pretty good. Not a showboating vocal, he sang the song very well, had decent choreography (pay attention, Paris) and seemed to really be having fun. I think he chose well. He needed to make an impression more than show off a power vocal, since no one really knows him and I think he did that. So of course, Simon hated him because he's ugly.
Back from the break and Elliot Yamin is talking about his warm-up routine. Seacrest is starting to bug me. Elliot is my dream boy because he disses a Brittenum!!! Elliot is playing it safe with Stevie Wonder. If You Really Love Me. I expected a better choice but Elliot knocks it out of the park! Paula CLAS. Someone get her a beach ball to balance on her nose. But back to Elliott. Awesome. And he sang it in almost complete straight tones, too (pay attention, Katharine) R&P love him and Simon calls him potentially the best male vocalist they've ever seen. I love him and he's giving Chris D. a run for his money.
We finally get to see why Bobby Bennett is in the Top 12. Because the judges have a wicked sense of humor. Bobby initially auditions with a Barry Manilow song and makes Randy and Paula clap along. Paula looks mortified and nothing embarrasses her, so you know girlfriend is baaaaad. Tonight, Bobby is singing another Manilow special,
Copacabana, because Grandma, on her deathbed, told him that if he ever made it big, he should sing that song. She also told him he was a bottom with submissive tendencies. That Grandma knew her shit.
Ohhh, Mr. Mooney is really bad. It's like someone's drunk fat uncle getting up at a wedding after one too many whiskey sours. The other nine male contestants heave a big sigh of relief, knowing that they've just witnessed the first person to be sent home. Bobby pimps for Manilow and Randy got into Paula's meds because he's actually being halfway decent. Paula's trying hard to find a compliment somewhere in there. Simon tells the truth. Complete nightmare. And no, Simon, I don't think you've gone off your rocker by choosing Bobby, I'm in on the joke. Ryan puts the screws to Cowell and asks if he hates Bobby so much, then why did he pick him to go into the Top 12. Okay, Seacrest, you're back in my good graces. Bobby bear-hugs Ryan.
Ryan is back with Ace and he's falling in love. Ace is sooo pretty and breathy and gay. Upon hearing him again in Hollywood, I'm less impressed. Ace is choosing Father Figure by George Michael. Mmm-hmm. He's okay. Definitely nervous and breathy, but compared to almost everyone else, not bad. But I want him to take his shirt off, so he can stay. Randy takes a sly dig at Constantine when he tells Ace there have been some people who thought they could work the camera, but couldn't. Ace is definitely RPS's pick and they pimp him MIGHTILY. MIGHT-I-LY! Oh yes, they want Ace to win.
Taylor Hicks brings up the rear and is singing Levon by Elton John, which he thinks possesses great family values. Um, isn't it about a son who hates his father? Taylor sings it well in between bouts of Tourettes. He needs to knock that shit off. He places in the middle for me. RPS pimp him hard. Then Taylor gives in completely to the disease and falls apart.
Okay, so a show even more dull than last night's. My ranking of the Top 12.
1- Elliot Yamin
2- Chris Daughtry
3- Gedeon McKinney
4- Taylor Hicks
5- Ace Young
6- Bucky Covington
7- Patrick Hall
8- Will Makar
9- Kevin Covais
10- Jose Penala
11- David Radford
12- Bobby Bennett
Who should go: David Radford and Bobby Bennett
Who will go: Bobby Bennett and Kevin Covais
I'm bummed I can't watch the results show tomorrow night, but I am going out of town. I'm tivoing it, but won't be doing any commentary as I can't watch it till Monday. I'm actually going to attempt to not find out who didn't make it until I can see the show. Wish me luck.
she has to take a shit onstage, running notes to a frazzle. Oh, it's all too much. Bad memories. Let's get to the boys already! (Oh yes, I forgot, we have two loooooong hours to fill.)
The boys' football team is paraded onstage. Sway is wearing one of Paula's hats from the "Spellbound" period. If we check his cell phone, are we going to find messages from her advising him on wardrobe, then blacking out in mid-speech? Taylor is last out and does an impersonation of all his Idols in a scary, foreboding pose.
RPS are introduced. Pauler got rid of the Imperial Priestess hairdo and is back to a demure part. I'm starting the Abdul count right now. We'll see how long it takes for the meds to kick in.
We're treated to a montage of the boys. Ace is gay, Sway is fuglideous(TM). Elliot is sweet. Kevin found Gandalf's ring. And Chuck E Cheez, I mean Gedeon, assures us that he has It. IT. IT! Uh-huh.
Patrick "Bread" Hall is first. Ryan nudges knees with him, coyly. We see his "If" clip and that note gets more desperate every time I hear it. Patrick is singing a lesbian song- Come to My Window by Melissa Etheridge. No word if Juliette Lewis will make a special appearance onstage. Patrick doesn't suck, maybe one or two small pitch problems, but he's pretty dull onstage. No emotion, no feeling. Fairly robotic.
Based on this, I wouldn't miss him if he goes, but I'm sure he'll slip by based on looks alone and the judges are letting him slide. But Simon gets it right- no star quality. Patrick is vowing to go back to his roots. Expect a lot of Leo Sayer, Gino Vanelli and Firefall.
David Radford is next. All I have to do is hear him sing the first note from his clip montage and I'm already grossed out. He's got a bracelet on that says WWFD? (what would Frank do?) Frank would NOT do Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Sammy Davis, Jr., yes. Frank, no. But David seems to be channeling John Davidson. We're treated to plenty of shots of all 125 of his teeth. He manages to stay on key, except for that last painful note, but he could have been playing a round of golf
with Dino while singing that. David's adorable, but you know he's terrible in bed. And he was terrible onstage. Randy slams him and I'm loving it. It looks like that ego problem is about to rear its ugly head. David is NOT happy with Randy. The "kitty" pound or the "Paula Poodle" pound yips their approval. I think Mandisa and Ayla left matching wet spots on their chairs.
Ladies and Gentlemen we have a "meds" time. 20 minutes in and Pauler is getting loopy. I'm guessing Klonopin. She loves David. Simon softballs him, because David is cute and Simon wants to get rid of the ugly boys first. Bye Bye, Bobby.
Bucky Covington is up next. Seacrest's knee is a little closer this time. If anyone wants to send Bucky a care package, please stick a hairbrush in there. Yes, I know it will disturb the fambly of critters nesting in there, but it's an emergency. Seacrest talks about Bucky forgetting the words and something akin to Boomhauer from King of the Hill spills forth from Bucky's mouth. I think it's not so much Bucky
forgot the lyrics as no one could understand him. Bucky is wearing a really ugly bling chain around his neck in the video and I wouldn't be surprised if there was a green ring underneath. He's singing a Lynrd Skynrd song. And I was hoping for Josh Groban.
Bucky is rough. very raspy. We cut to a shot of two trailer trash hoochies, both of which I'm sure Bucky convinced to let him fuck without a condom. Bucky has a James Hetfield from Metallica quality to his voice. That's not a compliment. Shot of Kellie clapping on the wrong beat. She's looking at daddy up there. It wasn't pleasant to listen to, but Randy lets it pass. Pauler wants her some Bucky, so she's loving him. Simon is being nicer than I thought he would, too. This is interesting, because I can't imagine he will get votes with that performance, but RPS are shilling for him. Seacrest says it shows an evolution that someone like Bucky is onstage in this competition. I think it shows that they're running out of singers. He asks Bucky what prompted him to audition. Bucky's response:
"Welldangol'dingdangol'BoBicenyeahveladangolrellawilldangolhatsofftoem."
WIlliam Makar is next. My fingers are crossed, cause so far it hasn't been pretty tonight. Oh, excuse me, it's "Will" Makar. I'm getting a slight undercurrent of gay from him. He's gonna sing "I Want You Back" by the Jackson Five and he likens his voice to an 11 year old Michael Jackson. He may be 11 but he's no Michael Jackson. He begins by getting lost and falling behind the band, then he does some very awkward Tony Manero moves and there are spots where he strains his voice badly. I'm really disappointed. He's a sweetheart and I've heard him do much better. It was a poor choice and I hope he'll be given another chance to make it right.
Ohhhh, Pauler references Bobby Brady. Maybe she's been reading our board. Randy and P are trying to help, but Simon is giving him less slack than people who are worse. I'm not disagreeing with him, but I hope Will gets another chance. Sway is up next. I want to carve a jack-o-lantern face in that big water on the brain head of his. We're treated to his multiple previous disasters in Hollywood (Klonopin for ALL!!) He'll be forgetting the words to "Reasons" by Earth Wind and Fire tonight. Sway's doing it for mama-san and papa-san because they sang it to him as a baby. Here's
hoping he doesn't call it "Leasons". Wait, isn't that song done completely in falsetto? *braces for it*....
It's pretty ear-splitting. Papa's not so much clapping along as he's trying to kill mosquitoes. Now, Phillip Bailey of EWF always sang in falsetto, that was his style. So is Sway going to always do the same? If not, then why do it now? it's not as if he excels at it. "Dis-A-peah-EAH-eah-EAH-eaaa-RRRRR." Katharine McPhee is jealous.
Paula claps like a seal. Randy loves it. Paula loves it (but wants her hat back) and Simon gets that it sucked. Yay Simon.
Five up- none good. The show's hopeful savior, Chris Daughtry, is up next. Seacrest wants to know all the gossip. Such a woman. I'm thrilled to get to hear Chris' version of The First Cut is the Deepest again and it's going to be in my head for another two weeks. Oh no, he chose Wanted, Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi, a truly awful song. Fingers crossed... Well... it's not a home run, but a solid double. Couple of
pitch problems, but the best thus far of the evening. I think a better song would have gotten him further, but he'll be back. Paula popped a Xanax during the last commercial break, she's off on a tangent. Simon declares Chris the first of the night with potential. Excellent.
Kevin Covais is next and Ryan is not rubbing knees with him, but standing over him to appear taller for once. Kevin has a mighty Longuyland accent with that lisp. Kevin is singing One Last Cry by Brian McKnight. People, have we learned nothing from Scott Savol??? Kevin says Brian is one of his role models. So Brian McKnight has the high score in Halo and masturbates to the poster of the Swedish bikini team on his bedroom wall, too? Who knew?
He starts off shaky. Scott Savol's parents are in the sudience cheering him. Katharine McPhee makes a bitchy Brenna face during his performance, probably thinking to herself "Dude, what are you doing?? Cry has at least 15 syllables!" Kevin stayed shaky, but I think it was nerves more than anything. it wasn't great. Randy gives him a huge pass from the dawg pound and Paula's trying to string together a sentence, but it's heartfelt. Simon ups the age bracket in his comments from 80 to 90. Pretty soon, the only one able to enjoy poor Kevin Covais will be Miss Jane Pittman.
Gedeon McKinney is up. His narration of his clips makes him sound like an honorary Brittenum twin. Next week- the fu man chu makes a comeback. Gedeon will be singing Shout, which he at least didn't credit to Barbra Streisand. "It's not a song I can just sing, but one I can really, really pufo-am." (Big teef smile)
I gotta hand it to him- he was pretty good. Not a showboating vocal, he sang the song very well, had decent choreography (pay attention, Paris) and seemed to really be having fun. I think he chose well. He needed to make an impression more than show off a power vocal, since no one really knows him and I think he did that. So of course, Simon hated him because he's ugly.
Back from the break and Elliot Yamin is talking about his warm-up routine. Seacrest is starting to bug me. Elliot is my dream boy because he disses a Brittenum!!! Elliot is playing it safe with Stevie Wonder. If You Really Love Me. I expected a better choice but Elliot knocks it out of the park! Paula CLAS. Someone get her a beach ball to balance on her nose. But back to Elliott. Awesome. And he sang it in almost complete straight tones, too (pay attention, Katharine) R&P love him and Simon calls him potentially the best male vocalist they've ever seen. I love him and he's giving Chris D. a run for his money.
We finally get to see why Bobby Bennett is in the Top 12. Because the judges have a wicked sense of humor. Bobby initially auditions with a Barry Manilow song and makes Randy and Paula clap along. Paula looks mortified and nothing embarrasses her, so you know girlfriend is baaaaad. Tonight, Bobby is singing another Manilow special,
Copacabana, because Grandma, on her deathbed, told him that if he ever made it big, he should sing that song. She also told him he was a bottom with submissive tendencies. That Grandma knew her shit.
Ohhh, Mr. Mooney is really bad. It's like someone's drunk fat uncle getting up at a wedding after one too many whiskey sours. The other nine male contestants heave a big sigh of relief, knowing that they've just witnessed the first person to be sent home. Bobby pimps for Manilow and Randy got into Paula's meds because he's actually being halfway decent. Paula's trying hard to find a compliment somewhere in there. Simon tells the truth. Complete nightmare. And no, Simon, I don't think you've gone off your rocker by choosing Bobby, I'm in on the joke. Ryan puts the screws to Cowell and asks if he hates Bobby so much, then why did he pick him to go into the Top 12. Okay, Seacrest, you're back in my good graces. Bobby bear-hugs Ryan.
Ryan is back with Ace and he's falling in love. Ace is sooo pretty and breathy and gay. Upon hearing him again in Hollywood, I'm less impressed. Ace is choosing Father Figure by George Michael. Mmm-hmm. He's okay. Definitely nervous and breathy, but compared to almost everyone else, not bad. But I want him to take his shirt off, so he can stay. Randy takes a sly dig at Constantine when he tells Ace there have been some people who thought they could work the camera, but couldn't. Ace is definitely RPS's pick and they pimp him MIGHTILY. MIGHT-I-LY! Oh yes, they want Ace to win.
Taylor Hicks brings up the rear and is singing Levon by Elton John, which he thinks possesses great family values. Um, isn't it about a son who hates his father? Taylor sings it well in between bouts of Tourettes. He needs to knock that shit off. He places in the middle for me. RPS pimp him hard. Then Taylor gives in completely to the disease and falls apart.
Okay, so a show even more dull than last night's. My ranking of the Top 12.
1- Elliot Yamin
2- Chris Daughtry
3- Gedeon McKinney
4- Taylor Hicks
5- Ace Young
6- Bucky Covington
7- Patrick Hall
8- Will Makar
9- Kevin Covais
10- Jose Penala
11- David Radford
12- Bobby Bennett
Who should go: David Radford and Bobby Bennett
Who will go: Bobby Bennett and Kevin Covais
I'm bummed I can't watch the results show tomorrow night, but I am going out of town. I'm tivoing it, but won't be doing any commentary as I can't watch it till Monday. I'm actually going to attempt to not find out who didn't make it until I can see the show. Wish me luck.
posted by kieran at 7:31 PM
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