Boobies! AI Re-cap 3/1/07
20 up, 4 down. Everyone is crammed onto the stage, grateful to not be smelling Paul Kim’s feet or the residue from last week’s performance. All have mustered fake smiles except for Stephanie Edwards, who looks terrified. Guess she logged onto dialidol.com. Chris Sligh, who was at the opposite end of the stage in the first shot, has now been shoved to the bottom of the stairway, possibly so Seacrest wouldn’t have to navigate around his big belly on his way down the steps. Ryan says they hate to see anyone go (we’d like to see you go), but that they have a great show to help ease the pain. He announces that Kellie Pickler will be performing tonight, then visibly gulps when he gets no studio audience reaction and begins applauding to help prompt them. Cut to a shot of some shifty looking audience members and someone who looks like Ellen Travolta, shifting uncomfortably in their seats and half-heartedly clapping.
Well, the show’s numbers may be strong in the Nielsens, but the voting numbers haven’t improved. 32 million, same as last week when there were four more contestants to spread it out over. My feeling is that once the audience gets to know these people, the voting numbers should increase as they become passionate to keep the ones they love from going home. But besides Melinda, who in this bunch is there worth even finding the phone for, let alone actually dialing it.
I love the recaps of the previous nights’ shows, because it’s stuff I can fast forward through. For instance, I can guarantee Ryan is still trying to get someone to believe that story about how much better the guys were this week than last. No wonder nobody buys this guy is straight. I can also predict the moments that were shown, like Antonella sassing Simon. And I wish I could fast forward through what’s about to happen now, but alas, I wouldn’t be a proper re-capper if I cheated. This week’s group sing-a-long is “Joy to the World.” Haven’t they already done this one before or are they keeping to this week’s theme of recycled songs (true to form, that was a recycled quip.) I need coffee for this one. I‘m finishing up the last of my holiday stash of Coffee Mate Pumpkin Spice non-dairy creamer. Nestle’s busts a few xmas flavors out in November and they usually sell fairly quickly and once they’re gone, they’re gone. So I hoard because I love everything pumpkin, even those two big gourds on Lakisha’s chest last night. Gimme pumpkin or go home.
So- Jason begins the song with his growl-sing and looks so proud of himself for managing to sound just a’ight. Then Sanjaya joins in a three-part-harmony that officially starts our trip to Gaysville. Joni Mitchell can’t get up that high. I’m convinced Chris Richardson has some sort of tremor in his left hand because he can never seem to keep it still. Timberlite, there are some songs you don’t need to wigga out on and this is one of them. Quit throwing the imaginary dice and just sing poorly. And here comes AJ Tabaldo and Gaysville just turned into Homopolis. Tabaldo sings, “You know I love the ladies.” Yes, to dish with and go shoe shopping. My guess is Bruce Gowers has a wicked sense of humor and tried to get Sanjaya to sing that line, but had to settle for the lesser of two she-males. Lakisha must have just stepped on Gina’s toe because the poor gal is howling in agony. Antonella is unfortunately teamed with Sabrina. Coincidentally, Hedwig just yakked up a furball. I’d love to stick around and see how this number ends, but the line for the water flume is gigantic and I wanna go get my picture taken with the guy dressed up like Chip. Or is that Dale?
Elimination number one and it’s one of the guys. I really want Brandon Rogers to stick around, since he’s the only eye candy left. Ryan asks if it’s any easier this week. Why does he ask the questions everyone in the world knows the answers to and no one cares?
Phil is safe. Tell the maids to make up his coffin for another week. Chris Sligh is safe. Jason is safe. His dad is more feeble looking than Ed McMahon and the corpse of Uncle Miltie put together. Ryan asks Blake to stand and the poor boy says to Seacrest, “Give it to me,” completely unaware of the torrents of laughter he’s unleashed on home audiences everywhere. No Blake, Ryan takes it. The beat boxer is safe. After trying to fake out Jared, Ryan reveals that he is safe. That’s a shame. He seriously sucks. Ryan looks so proud of himself- see how sneaky I am!! Nick Pedro is the first victim of the evening (if you don’t count the 31 million people who had to sit through “Joy to the World.”). No great loss, though I would have sent home Jared well before Nick. The judges have some nice parting words for Pedro though I find I can’t remember what he sang on Tuesday until he starts it up again right now- “Fever.” I liked this on Tuesday and I like it now. I have to say he’s doing even better with it this evening. If he had used this much energy the first time around, it might be the Geico caveman going home. Jason is crying, knowing full well his fat, hairy ass should have been on the chopping block weeks ago. Nick gets a great parting gift, a full on hug from Brandon Rogers, who’ll probably be joining him in a few minutes.
Ladies’ turn. Ryan asks Jordin how she’s holding up and, being seventeen, Sparks doesn’t realize he actually isn’t interested, he’s just filling time. She goes on to tell us all about her day until Leslie kicks her in the leg and signals for her to shut up.
Stephanie is up first and she’s safe. She’s very lucky because she chose a crap song and tanked on it. She can’t afford to make another mistake like that. Glocksen is also safe. Sabrina Sloan will be sticking around, as will Melinda Doolittle (duh). Seacrest rips the band-aid off Alaina Alexander nice and quick. He doesn’t even announce what she sang last night (he probably forgot, just like the rest of us) or what the judges had to say (how many different ways can you phrase “suck-ass?”). She is going home. He ought to give her a swift kick in the ass, to boot, for wasting our time. No tears from the other contestants at Alaina’s ouster. Guess she wasn’t as liked as Nick, who had three on camera cries attributed to him tonight. Ryan finally gets around to reminding us what Alaina sang and what the judges thought. When he says that Simon felt she “ran out of steam,” Alaina snaps back, “Clever.” Oh, I really want to hit this girl. I wish one of the judges would mention her utter inability to take criticism. In reality, the only reason she made it this far is her looks. Alexander exhorts her competition to sing their butts off (translation- do exactly the opposite of what I did) and we finally get a few pity tears from Jordin, which can more likely be attributed to being 17 than any love for Alaina. Alexander can’t even get through the song and makes the other girls come hug her. She’s surrounded by non-losers as the back-up singers take over the song. I so want Lakisha to emerge from the huddle, snacking on an arm and declaring, “That’s some good white girl!” Lord, Jason Head is crying again. Permission to fast forward through this. I still have to sit through Kellie Pickler. Seacrest asks Paula to give Alaina some parting words of wisdom, probably because Randy and Simon would have ripped her a new one. Something strange happen to the sound and Abdul is rendered completely silent. It’s the most coherent I’ve heard her in years.
Seacrest announces more info about the American Idol challenge and shows last week’s winner in the audience, some toothless hillbilly named Sean Jones who you know probably made motorboat sounds with his lips as the plane was taking off and who likely smells just a tiny bit of cow dung and unwashed ass.
It’s Pickler time. Wearing a low-cut dress and what looks like an Eva Gabor wig from the new line catering to younger white trash, Picks jiggles out with a newly minted boob job. Nice to see she has her priorities straight. Sure Grandpa, I know you raised me and all and you need a new tin roof, but my ta-tas come first. Simon is seen secretly discussing Pickler’s cleavage with Paula while Kellie and Ryan engage in some painfully pre-scripted banter about sushi. I’d say Burns and Allen’s reputation is probably safe, but it’s nice to see that the head writer for “The Brady Bunch Variety Hour” has finally landed another gig.
I gotta say, Kellie did a lovely job with the song, which I found better than any of Underwood’s singles. It was nicely written and very simple and sweet. I’m impressed. Hell, I’m floored. It actually made me want to hear the rest of the CD.
Another guy is about to be cut. Please not Brandon. Please not Brandon. Chris Richardson is safe. Bleagh. Yeah, Brandon is safe!! That means Juliet and Juliet are about to be broken up. I’m telling you, I know Will & Grace is off the air, but there’s only so much swish the country can take. Ryan makes Gay & Gayer take center stage. We start with Sanjaya whose hair is styled like a cross between Farrah Fawcett-Majors and Kristy McNichol. Sanjaya’s reviews are all pans, while AJ Tabaldo had two of the three judges on his side, but clueless moms and nine year olds everywhere have decided to punish us by keeping Sanjaya around for another week. That’s fine, he’s the easier of the two to make fun of and AJ was suck city, anyway, though he sings circles around Princess Jasmine. What stinks is that if Leslie is the next girl to go, we’re going to have to listen to “Feelin’ Good” two times in a row. It’s like tempting Beetlejuice. Once again, we’re treated to Jason crying. Either he’s overly emotional, or he keeps plucking out a beard hair in order to get more face time. Oh well, AJ, if they ever do a revival of “Torch Song Trilogy,” your name should be the first up to play Marina Del Rey. Night Night, dear.
Final cut of the evening. I have my fingers crossed for Leslie, but I fear she’ll be on the chopping block and we’ll have to endure another horrid week of Haley. Lakisha is safe. Haley is also safe, so bye bye Leslie. Down to Antonella, Leslie and Jordin, who’s still talking about her day. All three step downstage. Antonella is safe, which is ludicrous. The poor girl has given two hideous performances. I want to be in her corner and I am about the photos, but it doesn’t give her a free pass to sing like a dying seagull. Leslie’s going home and I applaud her for not giving in and playing the sympathy card regarding her lupus. I’m sorry to see her go and I hope Haley chokes on her bitchy attitude and gets eviscerated next week. Well, I’ll be sure and do my part.
Seagulls out.
Well, the show’s numbers may be strong in the Nielsens, but the voting numbers haven’t improved. 32 million, same as last week when there were four more contestants to spread it out over. My feeling is that once the audience gets to know these people, the voting numbers should increase as they become passionate to keep the ones they love from going home. But besides Melinda, who in this bunch is there worth even finding the phone for, let alone actually dialing it.
I love the recaps of the previous nights’ shows, because it’s stuff I can fast forward through. For instance, I can guarantee Ryan is still trying to get someone to believe that story about how much better the guys were this week than last. No wonder nobody buys this guy is straight. I can also predict the moments that were shown, like Antonella sassing Simon. And I wish I could fast forward through what’s about to happen now, but alas, I wouldn’t be a proper re-capper if I cheated. This week’s group sing-a-long is “Joy to the World.” Haven’t they already done this one before or are they keeping to this week’s theme of recycled songs (true to form, that was a recycled quip.) I need coffee for this one. I‘m finishing up the last of my holiday stash of Coffee Mate Pumpkin Spice non-dairy creamer. Nestle’s busts a few xmas flavors out in November and they usually sell fairly quickly and once they’re gone, they’re gone. So I hoard because I love everything pumpkin, even those two big gourds on Lakisha’s chest last night. Gimme pumpkin or go home.
So- Jason begins the song with his growl-sing and looks so proud of himself for managing to sound just a’ight. Then Sanjaya joins in a three-part-harmony that officially starts our trip to Gaysville. Joni Mitchell can’t get up that high. I’m convinced Chris Richardson has some sort of tremor in his left hand because he can never seem to keep it still. Timberlite, there are some songs you don’t need to wigga out on and this is one of them. Quit throwing the imaginary dice and just sing poorly. And here comes AJ Tabaldo and Gaysville just turned into Homopolis. Tabaldo sings, “You know I love the ladies.” Yes, to dish with and go shoe shopping. My guess is Bruce Gowers has a wicked sense of humor and tried to get Sanjaya to sing that line, but had to settle for the lesser of two she-males. Lakisha must have just stepped on Gina’s toe because the poor gal is howling in agony. Antonella is unfortunately teamed with Sabrina. Coincidentally, Hedwig just yakked up a furball. I’d love to stick around and see how this number ends, but the line for the water flume is gigantic and I wanna go get my picture taken with the guy dressed up like Chip. Or is that Dale?
Elimination number one and it’s one of the guys. I really want Brandon Rogers to stick around, since he’s the only eye candy left. Ryan asks if it’s any easier this week. Why does he ask the questions everyone in the world knows the answers to and no one cares?
Phil is safe. Tell the maids to make up his coffin for another week. Chris Sligh is safe. Jason is safe. His dad is more feeble looking than Ed McMahon and the corpse of Uncle Miltie put together. Ryan asks Blake to stand and the poor boy says to Seacrest, “Give it to me,” completely unaware of the torrents of laughter he’s unleashed on home audiences everywhere. No Blake, Ryan takes it. The beat boxer is safe. After trying to fake out Jared, Ryan reveals that he is safe. That’s a shame. He seriously sucks. Ryan looks so proud of himself- see how sneaky I am!! Nick Pedro is the first victim of the evening (if you don’t count the 31 million people who had to sit through “Joy to the World.”). No great loss, though I would have sent home Jared well before Nick. The judges have some nice parting words for Pedro though I find I can’t remember what he sang on Tuesday until he starts it up again right now- “Fever.” I liked this on Tuesday and I like it now. I have to say he’s doing even better with it this evening. If he had used this much energy the first time around, it might be the Geico caveman going home. Jason is crying, knowing full well his fat, hairy ass should have been on the chopping block weeks ago. Nick gets a great parting gift, a full on hug from Brandon Rogers, who’ll probably be joining him in a few minutes.
Ladies’ turn. Ryan asks Jordin how she’s holding up and, being seventeen, Sparks doesn’t realize he actually isn’t interested, he’s just filling time. She goes on to tell us all about her day until Leslie kicks her in the leg and signals for her to shut up.
Stephanie is up first and she’s safe. She’s very lucky because she chose a crap song and tanked on it. She can’t afford to make another mistake like that. Glocksen is also safe. Sabrina Sloan will be sticking around, as will Melinda Doolittle (duh). Seacrest rips the band-aid off Alaina Alexander nice and quick. He doesn’t even announce what she sang last night (he probably forgot, just like the rest of us) or what the judges had to say (how many different ways can you phrase “suck-ass?”). She is going home. He ought to give her a swift kick in the ass, to boot, for wasting our time. No tears from the other contestants at Alaina’s ouster. Guess she wasn’t as liked as Nick, who had three on camera cries attributed to him tonight. Ryan finally gets around to reminding us what Alaina sang and what the judges thought. When he says that Simon felt she “ran out of steam,” Alaina snaps back, “Clever.” Oh, I really want to hit this girl. I wish one of the judges would mention her utter inability to take criticism. In reality, the only reason she made it this far is her looks. Alexander exhorts her competition to sing their butts off (translation- do exactly the opposite of what I did) and we finally get a few pity tears from Jordin, which can more likely be attributed to being 17 than any love for Alaina. Alexander can’t even get through the song and makes the other girls come hug her. She’s surrounded by non-losers as the back-up singers take over the song. I so want Lakisha to emerge from the huddle, snacking on an arm and declaring, “That’s some good white girl!” Lord, Jason Head is crying again. Permission to fast forward through this. I still have to sit through Kellie Pickler. Seacrest asks Paula to give Alaina some parting words of wisdom, probably because Randy and Simon would have ripped her a new one. Something strange happen to the sound and Abdul is rendered completely silent. It’s the most coherent I’ve heard her in years.
Seacrest announces more info about the American Idol challenge and shows last week’s winner in the audience, some toothless hillbilly named Sean Jones who you know probably made motorboat sounds with his lips as the plane was taking off and who likely smells just a tiny bit of cow dung and unwashed ass.
It’s Pickler time. Wearing a low-cut dress and what looks like an Eva Gabor wig from the new line catering to younger white trash, Picks jiggles out with a newly minted boob job. Nice to see she has her priorities straight. Sure Grandpa, I know you raised me and all and you need a new tin roof, but my ta-tas come first. Simon is seen secretly discussing Pickler’s cleavage with Paula while Kellie and Ryan engage in some painfully pre-scripted banter about sushi. I’d say Burns and Allen’s reputation is probably safe, but it’s nice to see that the head writer for “The Brady Bunch Variety Hour” has finally landed another gig.
I gotta say, Kellie did a lovely job with the song, which I found better than any of Underwood’s singles. It was nicely written and very simple and sweet. I’m impressed. Hell, I’m floored. It actually made me want to hear the rest of the CD.
Another guy is about to be cut. Please not Brandon. Please not Brandon. Chris Richardson is safe. Bleagh. Yeah, Brandon is safe!! That means Juliet and Juliet are about to be broken up. I’m telling you, I know Will & Grace is off the air, but there’s only so much swish the country can take. Ryan makes Gay & Gayer take center stage. We start with Sanjaya whose hair is styled like a cross between Farrah Fawcett-Majors and Kristy McNichol. Sanjaya’s reviews are all pans, while AJ Tabaldo had two of the three judges on his side, but clueless moms and nine year olds everywhere have decided to punish us by keeping Sanjaya around for another week. That’s fine, he’s the easier of the two to make fun of and AJ was suck city, anyway, though he sings circles around Princess Jasmine. What stinks is that if Leslie is the next girl to go, we’re going to have to listen to “Feelin’ Good” two times in a row. It’s like tempting Beetlejuice. Once again, we’re treated to Jason crying. Either he’s overly emotional, or he keeps plucking out a beard hair in order to get more face time. Oh well, AJ, if they ever do a revival of “Torch Song Trilogy,” your name should be the first up to play Marina Del Rey. Night Night, dear.
Final cut of the evening. I have my fingers crossed for Leslie, but I fear she’ll be on the chopping block and we’ll have to endure another horrid week of Haley. Lakisha is safe. Haley is also safe, so bye bye Leslie. Down to Antonella, Leslie and Jordin, who’s still talking about her day. All three step downstage. Antonella is safe, which is ludicrous. The poor girl has given two hideous performances. I want to be in her corner and I am about the photos, but it doesn’t give her a free pass to sing like a dying seagull. Leslie’s going home and I applaud her for not giving in and playing the sympathy card regarding her lupus. I’m sorry to see her go and I hope Haley chokes on her bitchy attitude and gets eviscerated next week. Well, I’ll be sure and do my part.
Seagulls out.
posted by kieran at 10:58 PM
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