Early Review of Season 5 Idols CD

As you all know, the Season Five Idols Compilation Album was released today and I had the chance to hear an early copy of it. Here's my review, song by song and Idol by Idol. Enjoy, if that's possible. The tracks are in order of the CD.

What About Love by Melissa McGhee- Several mini-melismas dot this rendition which shows more the limitations of McGhee's voice than any kind of embellishments. Dull rendition shows she never deserved to make it into the Top 12 over a superior singer such as Ayla Brown. However, it reminded me that Heart had some great songs that have gone forgotten. C-

Superstition by Bucky Covington- Wow, we get to hear Bucky's voice without it being drowned out by the band and backup singers. It's not bad. Of course, I can't compare it to his live performances since I could barely hear those, but Bucky definitely mumbles less and he has a pleasant growl to his voice. I don't know if it's enough to get him a recording contract, but with the right material, he could make a splash. Unfortunately, singing a Stevie Wonder song in rock style does little to showcase any potential country roots and Bucky might have done better singing something like "Oh Boy." Still, it was enjoyable. B-

I'm Every Woman by Mandisa- This is suprisingly bland and dull with a dreadful backing track that sounds terribly manufactured. Mandisa is no stranger to wailing, but plays it very vocally docile here, letting the back-up singers do most of the heavy lifting. She doesn't approach Martha Wash territory until the end of the song and she doesn't hold up well in comparison. The live version was much better. Doesn't bode well for a future recording contract. C

Wanted Dead or Alive by Chris Daughtry- I didn't expect to like this as much as I did, as this is not a favorite song of mine to begin with. Chris keeps both the shouting and the shaky vibrato calmed (though you can really hear the vibrato at some places and it could spell trouble down the road) Daughtry also does his own backing vocals and when they're multi-tracked together, they sound really great. This makes me almost want to hear what he could do with Fuel and a great songwriter like Carl Bell. Way to go, Chris. B+

Father Figure by Ace Young- I'm surprised Ace didn't insist on singing "Butterflies" for this compilation since he was so enamored of his own performance of it. You can tell this voice was worked on in the studio, but Ace's nasal quality still manages to shine through. If you really want to be entertained, get to the middle of the first chorus where Ace "improvises" over the backup singers. I promise you, it's a good laugh. Plus, Ace telling anyone he'll be their daddy is good enough to split a seam. He gets in some trademarked falsetto, but the song goes on much too long for someone like Ace and I found my mind wandering during it. C

Takin' It to the Streets by Taylor Hicks- Well, I finally got the benefit of hearing Taylor without the disturbance of polyester rubbing together and the verdict is.... Simon & Clive have their work cut out for them. Perhaps because this is a Doobies song that the Michael McDonald comparison would rear its ugly head more urgently, but the song is such a copy of that version that you may as well just seek out the original, as it's miles better. Taylor does this awful, growly thing with his vocals that I've noticed Katharine does, too. I'm guessing it's because they can't hit the note and to me, it really sounds like he can't sing and is trying to cover that fact. It pops up in spades on this song. Terrible saxophone interlude on the song, also. 19E and J Records are gonna have to buy up a lot of copies of Taylor's CD to fudge the numbers based on this. D

Signed, Sealed, Delivered by Lisa Tucker- Yikes. I imagine this is what those Kidz Bop CDs must sound like. Tucker is so multi-tracked and buried under back-up singers, but when her vocal stands on its own, it's really amateurish. She'd have been a great guest vocalist on "Saved by the Bell." Let's hope for her sake that lioness costume still fits. F


Walkin' After Midnight by Kellie Pickler- I would have preferred "Fancy" but, oh well. Oh wow, this is already a mess and Pickler hasn't even started singing. They've turned the song into a bluesy, slutty, strippery honky tonk number that should probably be sung while dancing on a pole. Pickler doesn't stand a chance with this arrangement. I hate the way she pronounces the word "searching." It sounds like See-iiirching. It's bad Tanya Tucker and multi-tracked to the teeth. I hope the tour figures in a pasties budget. D


Moody's Mood For Love by Elliott Yamin- Wow. I knew this would be great, but it's wonderful to hear the full version. Yamin is in fine vocal form, sounding just as amazing as he did live. My one complaint is this version is too R&B. Elliott has the chops to be a terrific jazz vocalist but I know he has stated that if he gets to make an album, he wants it to be in the R&B vein. The problem is that no one buys or plays or listens to that style of music these days. R&B has morphed into hip-hop and rap and I fear Elliott would get lost in the shuffle. Still, anyone hearing this track would have to agree who the best singer this season is by a wide mile. A

Think by Katharine McPhee- Or should I call it "Thank," since that's how McPhee is pronouncing it. I feel the same way about this as I did the first time I heard her sing it on the show. She's a milky white girl trying to be funky and fails miserably at it. Her vocals are decent and she keeps the melisma on a short leash until the end but if I wanted to hear Doris Day sing Lady Marmalade, then I'd have pulled her ass out of retirement and paid her to record it. You can hear the backup singers snickering "phony white bitch" as they outsing McPhee. Katharine is not every woman, so she needs to stop singing like she is. C

Midnight Train to Georgia by Paris Bennett- Why they wouldn't have Paris sing "These Foolish Things," is a mystery, since this was a dreadful performance live and it's even worse on record. Paris sounds like she's not so much singing than voicing a cartoon cow for a Disney movie. She also has no clue as to what she's singing about here, just oversinging, shrieking and dirtying up the melody with melismas and shouting. Paris is no Gladys Knight, but she could have a great career in a few years as a jazz singer. Let's hope she realizes her potential and doesn't subject us to the many wigs of Paris Bennett. D

When I Fall in Love by Kevin Covais- There isn't quite the disconnect here as there is in other songs by the younger contestants, but it has a slight high school production of Grease quality to it. That being said, Covais acquits himself nicely on this song, outdoing many of the contestants that outlasted him on the show. I don't know that he's ever going to do anything in the business with his poindexter looks, but he's got a good voice for stage and I could see him carving out a nice musical theatre career with some vocal training. This was a great way for him to go out of the show and hearing this, I'm sorry he won't be getting to go on the tour. He'd be a much more welcome addition than Lisa Tucker. B

So there you have it. Is the disc worth purchasing? Not really, but in this day and age when you can buy individual tracks, digitally, why not choose your favorite Idol and support them by purchasing their tracks singularly. That might send a message to the producers where the money really lies.

In order from 1-12 Best to Worst

1- Moody's Mood for Love by Elliott Yamin
2- Wanted Dead or Alive by Chris Daughtry
3- When I Fall in Love by Kevin Covais
4- Superstition by Bucky Covington
5- What ABout Love by Melissa McGhee
6- I'm Every Woman by Mandisa
7- Think by Katharine McPhee
8- Father Figure by Ace Young
9- Takin' It to the Streets by Taylor Hicks
10- Walkin' After Midnight by Kellie Pickler
11- Midnight Train to Georgia by Paris Bennett
12- Signed, Sealed, Delivered by Lisa Tucker

So Long. Farewell.

I know, I’m late. Instead of watching last night, I spent two hours and 20 minutes voting non-stop for the only person in this competition who deserves to win. And I have this to say to any of you who didn’t vote for Elliott- shame on you. Shame on you for supporting a third rate wedding singer who, by the looks of it, should turn in his sobriety chip. Shame on you for panting over a bitchy, nasty oversinger who has stuck her tits out and would fake smile through the sinking of the Titanic, which is what most of her performances resemble, anyway. And shame on this bullshit show for not realizing that the most talented person should win, not the one they manipulate the voters into backing by giving extra time to, and publicly proclaiming as the final two. Yeah, I don’t know what has gotten into me, caring so much about someone I don’t even know, but without going into a whole psychoanalytical rant, I think I identify with Elliott. I get him. He’s a guy who comes out and does his best every time, no matter what is thrown at him. He rightly expects that his talent should be the only thing that matters. And even when he’s shown the cold hard truth, that in this business, talent has very little to do with anything, he keeps pushing on, determined to not be pulled under because of it.

I know Elliott will be going home tonight and that two less talented, less deserving singers will be continuing on, both of whom will be given recording contracts undeservedly. I can only hope that somehow Elliott will be given the opportunity to further share his gift with us. This week will be my last re-cap. I am going to combine Tuesday and Wednesday into one last hurrah. I have no intention of watching next week’s shows. I don’t care who wins. I can’t stand either of the final two and to watch either of them crowned the next Idol would make me sick to my stomach. And I guarantee you all would not want to hear what I had to say for those final two hours.

So thanks to all of you who have hung out with me this season and read my work. If I am in a position where I have the time to do this for Rock Star over the summer, then I will try to be there for that. I’ve appreciated all your great e-mails and posts and it’s been fun getting to know (most of) you.

Starting with Tuesday night- Ryan needs a shave once again. Thankfully I’ll be done with his boring, untalented ass after this week. And perhaps a speeding bus will take care of the rest for me. Seacrest starts off with a reminder that Chris has been voted off. Yes, we all know, we were there. And Chris has wasted no time on all the talk shows he’s been booked on telling anyone who will listen that yes, it was a shock, because everyone expected him to win. Sorry, everyone “told” him he was going to win. And supposedly Fuel offered him a job as their new lead singer. Excellent. I’ll be sure and go see them the next time the county fair rolls into town.

Clive Davis is in the audience tonight, but not, as in years past, judging along with RPS. The producers do a little history/tribute to Clive, mentioning his starting out at Columbia Records, then starting his own label, Arista, in 1975. What they left out in between that was Clive was let go from Columbia after they found out he was mismanaging and embezzling funds from the company. Yeah, somehow I didn’t expect that to make the tribute. He is described as the most influential recording executive of all time, yet he can’t seem to choose three appropriate songs for the contestants.
Elliott is up first because even though he hasn’t gone last in almost six weeks, TPTB aren’t about to give him a pimp spot when they can feature Taylor at the end. Clive has chosen the “rock song” Open Arms by Journey for Elliott. He says he wants to see Elliott try something different. Elliott is polite and gracious, even though he knows Clive has made sure he’s gonna tank on at least one performance. Elliott says it’s an honor to meet Clive and looks forward to working with him on future projects. Clive shakes his head no as he thanks Elliott.

Elliott sounds good, if a little unsure on the song. He reverses a lyric, but does it so seamlessly that it doesn’t look like a flub. Why is this song only 30 seconds long? He didn’t even get out a whole verse? What the fuck is THAT??? How can you criticize that? Randy and Paula give him decent but unspectacular criticism. Simon tells him to loosen up and believe he can make it into the finals. If only Simon wasn’t trying to sabotage him. I can’t even critique that performance because it was so fucking short.

Katharine is up next and Clive has assigned to her “I Believe I Can Fly,” by R. Kelly. Kee-rist, I hate that song. In a nutshell, Clive tells Katharine he wants to make it her own because basically, she imitates Whitney and Alicia too much. He says he wants her to find her own sound so when they record together she can show it. Notice he didn’t say anything about recording with Elliott. Another subtle pimp. And of course, Katharine is turned toward the camera with her legs in a mini skirt.

Okay, I can’t do this. I’m trying, but all it’s going to come out as is just bitter bitter bitter with no humor. I’m not particularly feeling very funny right now and why subject you to reading just me complaining with nothing to counter it? After watching McPhee smile and burp her way through that song and hear Simon blatantly ignore how bad it was and hearing Katharine talk back to the judges like she’s already entitled? No, can’t do it. I’m sorry.

Enjoy the rest of the season. Seagulls out.

Saved By the Bald. AI Re-cap 5/10

Okay, let’s not beat around the bush. By this time, you know what’s happened and I know what’s happened so why put up the pretense that I’m actually watching this thing live? Well, because it wouldn’t be a re-cap if we didn’t each do our parts, however this week, I’m going to discuss the episode with hindsight. We’re gonna try and make sense out of this newest derailment. Folks, “Supertrain” wasn’t this unstable. This is- American Idol.

Pan across the final four. Taylor is smiling, Chris is smiling big, Elliott is smiling, Katharine has gas. Seacrest shambles out onstage and gives a conspiratorial wink and smile to Rebecca Romijn and her latest himbo, Jerry O’Connell. Apparently, John Stamos was too deep for Pepper Dennis and she had to go off and find someone who matched her vapidity level more closely. More from this cipher in a few.

Ryan introduces the players. All contestants are now smiling, including Kat. I’m gonna keep a running Puss-o-meter for Katharine throughout the evening. Whenever they cut to a shot of her, you’ll either see a : ) or a : (, followed by a number. So far we’re : )-1 : (-1.

Ryan says hello to the judges and calls Paula the “dancing Paula Abdul,” still trying to make last night’s joke funny. We see a re-cap of last night’s performances and after a one day reprieve, Katharine medley looks even more like it wouldn’t pass muster on The Donny & Marie Show. If Marie is a little bit country and Donny’s a little bit Rock-n-Roll, then McPhee is a whole lotta Gong Show. Where the hell was Jaye P. Morgan last night to put that broad out of our misery?

The judges are having a good ol’ time. Paula is in Simon’s lap as Randy and Ryan watch them flail around. The contestants smile, except for Kat. : (-2

Worst. Pimp-o-mercial. Ever. And Jim Henson really should have taken a page from Wayland Flowers’ book. When Wayland died, he requested Madame be buried with him. This way, we wouldn’t have to listen to someone who sounded nothing like her doing her voice. The least they could have done was give Kermit a stoma and one of those electronic voice thingies. Anything would be better than the rube voicing him now.

Katharine : )-2, probably because she starred in the commercial. We see more footage of the idols at Graceland with Priscilla slapping on a little extra make-up before she gives them the tour so no one will notice she’s really one of the aliens from V. Presley looks about as excited to be giving it as I am to be watching it. The idols seem to be getting the exact same tour as anyone else who pays their money to go through Graceland, so I’m not quite sure what’s so special about it. Then she takes them outside and Taylor holds an umbrella over Priscilla so the paraffin covering 90% of her body doesn’t melt. Lisa Marie shows up, looking even more underwhelmed than her mother and takes the four on a golf cart ride, afterwards giving them all hugs and slipping paperback copies of Dianetics in their pockets.

Time for the group sing. Elliott starts out with “Don’t Be Cruel,” then they all go into “Blue Suede Shoes,” then Taylor twitches out onto the bridge and sings “Heartbreak Hotel.” I’m guessing there’s a Denny’s attached to that hotel because when Hicks hunches over, you can see his man-boobs. Memo to Taylor- jackets are slimming. Tight button down shirts, not so much. Katharine sings “Are You Lonesome Tonight,” Chris tackles “Love Me Tender.” They all do some horrid song where Randy Jackson tries to join in, then Chief Crazy Legs lumbers back onto the bridge to scream “Burnin’ Love.” Katharine joins him and the two dance together in the middle like two kids from the “special class,” one with water on the brain and the other with elephantitis, who were allowed to do a number in the elementary school talent show and chose to re-enact “You’re the One That I Want.” All four bring it home and then the Ice Fantasies skate out onstage with Harvey Korman and H.R. Pufnstuf. Confetti for all!!

Oh, here comes my favorite part. Ryan is in the audience and decides to randomly say hello to Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell. After making sure he pimps the new X-Men movie (Fox product) but not Pepper Dennis (non-Fox product), Ryan pretends to have a conversation with Romijn. The banter is so forced and Seacrest is so tense waiting for the inevitable punchline, that he keeps moving the microphone back under Romijn’s mouth, even when she isn’t talking, as though to subtly prompt her to get to the business at hand. That business at hand is Rebecca “requesting” to hear Taylor sing Jailhouse Rock again. Katharine : (-3, though this time I don’t blame her.

Okay, now for some strange reason, my satellite feed has just changed over to one of those nature shows, like they show on Animal Planet. I don’t know what’s going on but now I’m watching a water buffalo galloping down- oh, wait, sorry. It’s Taylor running up the stairs to start his song. Hey, look, there’s a pre-planted mic on the floor from his start position. Yeah, this was spontaneous. Taylor dances down the aisle, interacting with the crowd, at one point dancing near Elliott’s mom, who is a good sport and dances along. If it was my kid, I’d have kicked Taylor in the balls, give him a good reason to buckle those legs. Simon is turned around in his seat, not even watching. Melissa Rivers is in the audience and though she can’t be more than 40, she looks as though her face has been molded from the extra skin taken off Priscilla Presley.

Ryan thanks Taylor for agreeing to partake in the extra promotion, then invites the other Idols to come down to the stage. He places Elliott next to Taylor on his right, then Chris and Katharine together on his left. Ryan tells us one group is the top two, the other the bottom two. Katharine : (-4. Ryan says he will let us know…then pauses for effect as though he doesn’t do this every week and someone in the audience yells out “after the break!” which causes Katharine to : )-3 because Seacrest is such a hambone.

Back from the break and from here on in, Katharine is permanently : (. The pissed off puss on her face is stuck like glue. Only another’s misery will return the smile to her cherubic face. Ryan sends Taylor and Elliott back to the couch. Chris claps and smiles, Kat stands irritated with her hands at her sides. Such a sweetheart, such a good sport.

Ryan asks Simon who he thinks is leaving tonight and McPhee rolls her eyes because she knows he’s gonna say her. Hey, sweetheart, it’s not like you didn’t have explosive diarrhea all over the stage with those two songs on Tuesday. You have no one to blame but yourself. Simon says based on last night, Kat should go home. The audience boos, but Peisha just sits and watches. Even she knows her daughter blew chunks. Ryan tells Chris that a lot of people thought he had the potential to be the next American Idol. Chris smiles at the audience’s reaction and Ryan blurts out- you’re going home. Katharine looks genuinely shocked. I don’t have an emoticon for that so how’s this? >:o

Paula is devastated, Simon looks shocked, Peisha’s even sitting there going- But I beat her for two hours last night! I was sure she was going home!

Chris looks absolutely hammered in shock. Ryan asks him three times if he’s surprised. Elliott’s mom needs to get up there and kick Seacrest in the balls. We watch Chris’ journey. I half hoped for this they would have gotten the lead singer of System of a Down to record a special all-screamy version of Bad Day. As Daughtry watches, the news begins to sink in and he doesn’t once crack a smile, seething and simmering like a crock pot full of Chunky Beef Soup. It’s the soup that eats like a meal! (Hey, I have to pay the bills somehow.)

Okay, so what the fuck happened? Where was Chris’ huge fan base that everyone’s been buzzing about? He actually wasn’t terrible last night and Katharine was at her all-time worst. (and that’s a lot of worst to be stacking up against) Chris was the favorite. Now today there are rumors that Fuel is going to ask Chris to join their band as the new lead singer. So was this orchestrated, a way to inject a little drama into an otherwise dull season? There were also rumors that Chris was difficult to handle for the producers. Maybe they let him go so they wouldn’t be tied to him past the tour. Who knows?

All I can say is at this point, I’m for anything that helps Elliott and Daughtry’s departure helps him. If Chris would have been safe, he’d be the inevitable winner and Elliott would have been gone next week. But against Katharine, Elliott has a chance.

1)Because right about now, McPhee is the most hated woman on television by all those Chris fans who are pissed she’s there and he isn’t. Not that it was her doing, but try telling that to a fan scorned.

2)Katharine has a weak voice. She’ll never make it through three songs next week. Whereas Elliott can sustain multiple performances and Taylor will swirl his heft around on at least one, masking his need to barely muster a yodel.

3)After this week, Elliott has gained a lot of new fans. People are realizing he’s sincere, sweet and most of all talented as hell.

So in penance for this being late, I watched the American Idol Extra on Fox Reality tonight because it was sure to have much controversy. Here’s what I found out.

Anthony Federov is turning to Latin music.
Ty Treadway is the dullest man on the planet.
The idols were asked to choose their favorite performances. Chris said “Renegade,” Taylor said “Something,” Katharine said “I Have Nothing,” because she “felt she did a really good job and the judges had to apologize, so that was cool.” Elliott said “Moody’s Mood for Love,” because “it’s one of the best songs ever written and I felt honored to get to sing it.”

Okay, so Fox Reality is a little light with the controversy. What can I tell ya?

That’s gonna do it for me this week. From me, Donny, Marie, our special guests Betty White, Avery Schrieber, Witchiepoo and the Kroftette Dancers- Good Night, Everybody.

A Little Less Tommy Mottola. AI Re-cap 5/9

I do believe that the chair next to Ryan when he makes his introduction at the beginning of the show should be dubbed “The Elsie Seat,” the reason being that whoever inhabits it is usually some heifer with a bad mullet who’s craned around in her chair just enough to show every waddle and pinch. Ladies, if you see you’re close to the Seacrest at any time, someone may be trying to tell you something.

Tonight the word “is” drew the short straw and will be unnecessarily punched up by Ryan in the phrase “This is American Idol.” Two more weeks from Wednesday and I won’t have to look at his frog puss again until January 2007.

For those of you who have been under a rock the past week (or actually have lives) this week’s completely inappropriate theme is the music of Elvis. That’s right, our remaining four contestants will sing not one but two, count ‘em, two Elvis Presley songs. Or as Highlights magazine used to call him in their joke section, Elvis Parsley. I’ve never been a fan of Elvis, I was but a tot when he died on the toilet and I was blessed to have parents who didn’t torture me with his music. I think you can all see what sort of evening this is going to be for me. We see footage of Kat, Chris, Elliott and Hambone, err.. Taylor deplaning at Graceland where they will be meeting with professional widow and plastic surgery victim Priscilla Presley, her even creepier and crazier daughter, Mrs. DannyKeoughMichaelJacksonNickCageSomeOtherGuy. This would be a good time to jot down any questions you might have about Scientology, as both ladies Presley are active members. Does anyone know, have we gotten any confirmation on whether Katharine has sold her soul to the Klingons, as well?

And if that weren’t enough (and it’s more than plenty for me) former Sony Music chairman and Mr. Mariah Carey, Tommy Mottola will be joining us. My guess is because he and Elvis have matching waistlines. I wonder if he and Taylor will have a fried chicken eating contest? Chris is shown relaxing like the rock star he isn’t in the Idol private jet and oodles of fans (27) are at the gates of Graceland awaiting the final four. Taylor looks out the window at the house and erroneously calls it the birthplace of Rock & Roll. Since Elvis bought the house after he was a world famous star, I would say that would probably be inaccurate. But then again, Taylor has shown he knows as much about authentic rock & roll as he knows about Slim-Fast.

The idols are greeted at the door by Marilyn Manson, a surprise guest this week probably there to aid Chris with his screaming. What? No, that’s…. Really? My mistake folks, that’s actually Priscilla Presley. Apparently I wasn’t aware things had gone quite so awry with her reconstruction. Was she tragically burned in a fire somehow? I mean no one CHOOSES to look like that, do they? Priscilla takes them on a tour of Graceland and they run smack dab into Vincent Price. Awww, come on! That’s Tommy Mottola? What the hell is wrong with everyone this week?? Between Presley and Mottola, I’d swear someone was filming a remake of “House of Wax” at Elvis’ old abode. Tommy is introduced as the mastermind behind Jennifer Lopez, Destiny’s Child and Shakira, so you know this guy hasn’t got a fucking clue about great singing.

Priscilla lies and says if Elvis were alive, he’d love the show and cheer everyone on. Let’s face it, if Elvis were still alive, he’d either be batshit crazy or on about 1000 mg of Percodan a day. Or both. Mottola lies and says this is the greatest year of Idol yet because of how personal all the contestants have made each of the songs. And I’m lying when I say that neither of them has made me want to vomit a hairball.

Taylor is up first and he’s posed in front of an ugly Olan Mills backdrop that’s supposed to simulate the grounds of Graceland. I guess the fake library one was being used for the Glickstein’s bat-mitzvah shots. Taylor is excited it’s Elvis week and will be performing “Jailhouse Rock,” so he can incorporate dancing and singing. He works on his song with that renowned vocal coach, Tommy Mottola, whose only advice is to take Taylor up a half key because that’s how Elvis sang it. So much for the contestants making the songs their own, Tom.

Taylor’s song starts out with a guitarist on the lip of the stage who looks like a cross between Cheech and the cartoon character Russell from Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids. This is to distract us from Taylor lumbering down the stairs in the audience like a wounded buffalo who needs to find a bathroom. Old crazy legs can barely make it onstage before he yanks out his earphones and says “How” to the Lakota tribe with the smoke he’s generating from his thighs rubbing together. Vocally, the song is not bad. It sounds like karaoke Elvis, but good karaoke Elvis, which is about all one can hope for when singing that song.

Randy and Paula love the performance. Simon says it’s time to get into the real world and recognize the performance for bad karaoke. He can barely get through his next comments because Paula begins shouting him down, so much so he yells at her to shut up. Ryan comes to the rescue and belittles Simon’s critique even more. I hereby give Simon full permission to interrupt all three of those buffoons while they’re trying to do their jobs just like they do to him. Taylor whoos and “Soul Patrols” like a freakin’ monkey.

Back from the break and Chris is next. Ryan pimps him mightily and asks about his various fan clubs. Chris gives the names of them, all of which are too inane to give room for, and says they send him gifts. He also answers the burning question on all of these losers minds, he wears boxer briefs. Well, duh, all that screaming is bound to rip your nad sack if it isn’t fastened in securely. Ryan does a hysterically unfunny bit about being uncomfortable about Chris’ topic of underwear.

Has anyone ever noticed that when Chris talks for a period of time, he sounds exactly like Gary Cole’s character from “Office Space,” Bill Lumbergh?

Tommy Mottola offers his second horrible piece of advice of the evening, telling Chris he’s singing too softly and really needs to push it. Seriously, at this point, I think Lisa Marie is more qualified to dole out advice. It’s times like this I miss Pickler because you know she’d just come right out and ask Tommy about Mariah.

Chris is singing “Suspicious Minds,” and he walks out dressed like a Bo Bice wannabe with the sunglasses and the mic-stand poses, tossing in a little Bono march in place circa 1983 concert at Red Rocks. Does anything actually originate in that big bald dome of his or do they just show movies inside it? The vocals aren’t bad. No screaming, so that’s always a plus, but Chris killed any cred with that dumb assed outfit. If you’ve ever heard Candi Staton sing this song, you’d know it can be covered really well, and by a woman, which tosses out Kat’s whining about having to do men’s songs. Randy was just okay with it, Paula wet her seat and told Chris she’d see him in the finals and Simon said sunglasses notwithstanding, it was a good performance. Ryan says something about boxer briefs being called hybrids and I dunno, I wear them and I’ve never heard that, but then again, I’m not as completely and utterly cool as Ryan Seacrest.

Elliott is up next. I’ve already started voting for him and I got through the first few times, but now it’s completely busy. Tommy and the producers completely de-pimp Elliott. Mottola has nothing nice to say about him which, based on earlier advice, means nothing, but it still sucks. So of course, Elliott walks out and kicks Mottola’s teeth in with a slam-fucking-dunk performance of “If I Can Dream”. It was rousing and inspiring and a full on money in the bank show compared to the previous two nice karaoke joints done before him. I know a lot of people don’t like Elliott’s vibrato, and that’s just taster’s choice, but even with that vibrato, Elliott has, hands down, the best voice in this competition.

Randy says he was worried about Elliott doing Elvis, but that he made it his own and it was hot. Paula loved him like crazy and was a bit teary (or has pink eye, I couldn’t tell) and Simon says it’s the best of the evening so far.

Katharine is next and Mottola licks her out with the compliments, for sure wanting to get into her pants the way he did all the other amazing voices he’s signed, like J.Lo. Kat will be doing a medley of “Houng Dog” & “All Shook Up.” Paging the Sweeney Sisters. Your long lost triplet has been found. Seriously, this number would be right at home during a Branson, MO stage show performed by Vikki Carr. At one point, Kat runs out of breath from hopping around on the stage and has to put her back to the audience in order to gulp some sweet, precious air. Kellie Pickler would be embarrassed of this performance. Way to go, Mottola, you’re 0 for 4.

Randy says it looked like Katharine had fun, but she dropped one of the lyrics. Paula applauded her “choreography” to cover the slip, which consisted of her turning her back to the audience (I still think it was to catch her breath). Simon says it was like someone trying out for musical theatre to show they can do it all. It was screechy and terrible and he hops she has a better second song. Katharine shows what a good sport he is by making a face at him and then calling out for her McFans. I’m McOver this bitch.

Second round starts with Taylor singing “In the Ghetto.” Ryan asks some inane bullshit about Hicks asking out Lisa Marie because Ryan keeps up on the tabloids. That must explain his dropping Teri Hatcher like a hot potato when he read in the Enquirer that no one believed they were actually an item. Mottola pimps Taylor to the nines and advises him to sell the song with his voice and not his bullshit histrionics. Taylor actually manages this for the first half of the song by sitting down and for the first time sounds comfortable singing without the aid of his bodily distractions. Then he has to go and blow it by standing up and the vocal gets shrieky and oversung and ruined. The judges all overpraise the performance with Simon saying Taylor just sang his way into the semi-finals. Well, duh. Taylor yells out “Soul Patrol” another 300 times while Ryan gives the numbers. There’s a guy who works out at my gym who is on the Idol crew and he says all the backstage people can’t stand Taylor because he’s a complete asshole and curses at them and treats them like shit. I’m sure the ego has definitely taken flight with this fathead and Elliott is probably the only one left that anyone can stand to be around.

Chris is next. He’ll be singing “A Little Less Conversation,” which is one of the few Elvis songs I’d actually choose to listen to done by Elvis. I’m gonna do this real fast. Tommy pimps Chris without saying anything of value. Chris in the first ¾ of the song sounds like he’s reciting a grocery list in a monotone. Last part of the song is all screamy and gargly.

Paula and Randy loved it, Simon thought up until the end it was flat. Chris says that that’s the way Elvis sang the song. No, Chris, it’s not. It’s the way you sang the song. Badly.

Elliott will be singing “Trouble,” which I think is an apt name for his doing this song. For those of you unfamiliar with this number, it sounds a lot like W-O-M-A-N, or as I remember it as a kid, the Enjoli Perfume jingle. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan…. that song, which is all speaking during the verses and singing only on the chorus. Why anyone would choose to do a talk song, especially on a week they’re most vulnerable, is a mystery to me. Let’s see how he does.

I bow down and apologize for ever having doubted my little Yamin. To quote Randy, that was a HOT ONE! Holy shit. Quite amazing. Randy and Paula correct themselves from earlier in the show and say that THIS performance was Elliott’s best ever and Simon says Elliott has finally shown some personality, proved he deserves to be here and to advance to the next round. WOW! Did I hear that correctly? I’m in shock. Could we just stop now and skip McPhee’s caterwauling so I can leave with a warm glow? Yeah, I guess not. Ick.

Katharine is singing “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” Here’s my assessment…

Melisma, melisma, wrong key, shriek, melisma, melisma, off key for a few bars, shrieky, shrieky, smile pretty, sell that fridge, YELL, Mel-eeeeee-E-E-ee-E-ss-Ma, shriek, big finish.

The judges weren’t thrilled. You know Paula didn’t like it when she spends her whole time re-critiquing the choreography of Katharine’s first performance without ever mentioning the one at hand. Simon says it was too much. He wanted apple pie, but he got apple pie with a gallon of ice cream on top. It was too much, too over the top. Amazing that in how many weeks we’ve been on the air and he’s just noticed this about McPhee? I mean the woman practically churns butter brickle out of her cooch every week, but he’s finally getting around to realizing it.

Okay, all in all not a bad week. I think we needed a little less Tommy Mottola and little more plastic surgery Scientologists. My rankings:

1- Elliott
(BIG gap)
2- Chris
(WAY BIG gap)
3- Taylor
4- Katharine

Who should go- Katharine. She’s been rancid for too long. That cream is no longer fresh.

Who will go- I gotta say, I actually have hope for my boy Elliott after those two phenomenal performances tonight, but I know the deck is stacked against him. If Katharine doesn’t pull an upset by leaving, look for my man Yamin to go out on one of the highest notes since La Toya London.

See you all tomorrow. Seagulls out.

Fire Sale on Wigs! Everything Must Go! AI Re-cap 5/3

Good news, Good news. All of the unpleasantness from the past few days has cleared itself up (as of now) and we’ll go on hopefully with the promise that it won’t ever come back. I’m all for putting it behind me and moving on. Thanks to all those who e-mailed their support. But dammit, we got a show to do, baby!

I have to admit that I was so nervous for my boy Elliott that despite what Dialidol.com said about him coming in third, I cheated and checked to see if he was indeed going home. What, you think I’m gonna reveal it now when we have thirty awful minutes to get through? No, you don’t get off that easily. If I have to jump down the sewer, your asses are coming with me.

Ryan’s ass is 2 da back again, of the house that is, and he’s standing next to the body double for Martha Dumptruck of “Heathers.” The camera crane can’t rise fast enough to get away from her as it speeds toward the final five. We see their fake grins. Once again, Katharine wins the prize for fakest. Like a bad car accident, the camera can’t resist getting one more peek at Martha and jumps back to Seacrest. This. Is. American Idol.

Have you all heard Teri Hatcher blabbing her mouth on Oprah about the big fizzled romance between her and Seacrest? Turns out they went on one date, got their photo op and Ryan called her and told her he just couldn’t do this anymore, and she hasn’t seen him since.

Remember, I promised another contest for you all so here it is… just what is it Ryan couldn’t do anymore with Miss Hatcher? Send your excuses to flkofcguls@aol.com
And I’ll post the top five, winner gets a cool AI prize which is a secret, mostly because I’m gonna spend next week finding one. I’ll be taking entries through Monday, May 8th and I’ll post the top 5 in Tuesday’s re-cap. The last contest was such a success and I know you all can make this one even better. Hop to it!

Ryan tells us that almost 45 million votes were cast last night. Carmen Electra, who is in the audience, is trying to figure out how that stacks up against the number of cc’s of saline in her breast implants divided by the number of brain cells she’d need to acquire to read on a fourth grade level.

Randy boos Simon and Ryan turns his attention to the contestants. I wish for once Randy would have a brain fart and accidentally boo the idols, instead. Ryan asks Chris how they’re all holding up to the pressure. Chris nods and says fine, good. Uh oh, something must have popped upstairs last night during that screamfest. Now, I went and listened to the original versions of both “Home” by Michael Buble and “I Dare You” by Shinedown, neither of which I had heard before I saw Elliott and Chris, respectively, perform them. I thought Elliott actually improved a bit on the original. Chris, on the other hand killed a really good song by screaming it. Now, the vocalist for Shinedown, while not the most amazing singer, at least has some color and tone to his voice. Chris, on the other hand yelled so hard he nearly caused a brain hemorrhage worthy of the final scene from “The Fury.”

Taylor is asked if rivalries between the five have cropped up, now that it’s getting down to the wire. Taylor gallantly sidesteps the crass question. If it had been me, I would have asked Ryan if he’d hooked up with Ace after the show last night. Ryan asks Katharine what the most difficult thing about last night was. Instead of saying it was trying to walk while inside the body of an anaconda, Katharine mentions Against All Odds. Kat is wearing a spaghetti strap number tonight and I never realized that she has shoulder like a linebacker. I have very broad shoulders and Katharine looks like she could probably take me in a scrimmage. Paris is wearing rolled up clamdiggers and speaks in a frequency only dogs and Joni Mitchell can hear.

Ryan shills for the American Idol tour while Up With People gets ready to sing it’s group song, Together We Are One (Sha na na na na na nah na na). Chris starts with a solo and the furrows between his eyebrows are so deep from yell-singing that I hope he does make it to the finals, because the sorghum crop he planted in there will just be ready for harvesting around that time. Taylor is next and he does a little Bedrock Twitch. Uh-oh, someone had an extra helping of waffles for breakfast this morning. Katharine just can’t help melisma-ing during the group sing so she can stand out. In the audience, Peisha is giving her the “showgirls” signal so she can trip Paris on the way down the stairs. Elliott is dressed in a pin-stripe suit, t-shirt and sneakers and looks like Ryan Seacrest as Baretta. Paris takes the lead last and sounds great until she gets to the last note, clubbing it to death and throwing it backstage to be made into next week’s outfit. A choir of probably much better singers than our final five come out to gospel it up for them. I seriously hope this terrible song is the Idol single for 2006 and that Chris wins and is forced to record it. Big finish and the Idols all smile into a floor cam, Taylor giving Katharine a dirty look as she muscles into the front, blocking everyone else. I guess she’s been appointed camera hog now that Pickler is gone.

Pimp-o-mercial is on and the whitest people in the world (including Paris) are singing “Hollywood Swinging” by Kool & The Gang. I wonder what Tarantino thinks of his precious Idol now? I gotta say, Paris looks almost beautiful in the shots of her in the front seat of the car. Taylor is dressed for Birmingham’s first local cast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Seacrest makes some joke about never wearing shoulder pads again. How about lifts and the crotch sock, too, you poseur?

Ryan says that the “buzz” around town (he probably means at his beauty parlor) is that Paula gave the best comments last night. Simon says the polls say he is trusted 78% of the three judges and they bicker amongst themselves. Behind Simon, a teenage girl watches with growing concern on her face, she thinks this, as well as everything else on Idol, is actually genuine. Silly cow.

Ryan tells the contestants that this week they will be whisked off in the company jet to Graceland to meet Priscilla Presley and Tommy Mottola. They will be singing the music of Elvis next week, and unfortunately, they don’t mean Costello. I suppose some would see this and say wow, they get to meet the wife of the King of Rock & Roll and one of the biggest music moguls ever. I look at it and I all I can think is- awesome, a treasure trove of plastic surgery, scientology and Mariah Carey jokes! Bring it on!!

Onward elimination. They are looking for the bottom two and Taylor is safe. Chris is dull and safe. Paris is in the bottom two and even she knows it before it’s said. Ann Nesby (or the corpse of June Pointer, I can’t be sure) nods disappointedly from the audience. Elliott tries to get some applause going for Paris while Ryan asks her to sing Kiss. Instead of breaking into some hot licks to “Rock & Roll All Night” or “Strutter,” it’s just that lousy old Prince song again. Princess Me deposits her gum into Seacrest’s palm and he does another of his corny Jerry Lewis double takes. Anyone who doesn’t think that whole move wasn’t choreographed to the nines, well, I’ve got some swamp land in Albermarle to sell you.

Paris is doing even more abysmally on this song than she did last night. This time, when she thinks she wants to dance, she shakes it so hard, her acceptance speech falls out of her Minnie Mouse blouse and on to the floor. Booo! Go home! And I don’t mean that in a Tracey Ullman sort of way. (Wait, have I made that joke before? God, am I recycling material? I can’t even remember.) Idol’s own Roberto Benigni struts behind Paris to grab her mic pack and Breakfast Clubs his way into her spotlight. If that was me he did that to, he’d have drawn back a stump. Ryan reminds us that either Elliott or Katharine will be joining Paris in the bottom two and we cut to a shot of E still standing and clapping for Paris, while Katharine is sitting on the sofa, legs crossed, looking the other way, filing her nails. She grudgingly rises to stand next to Elliott and we’ll find out who it is after the break. (Nyah, I already know.)

Kat looks like she’s getting a D&C while Ryan goes down her list of sins from the previous evening, but she needn’t panic, she’s safe. Cut to a shot of Peisha and the crying serial killer in the audience. Elliott comes over to sing “On Broadway,” not the song I would have chosen to possibly go out on. Elliott is singing the song EXACTLY the way he sang it last night which means I’m half and half on it. Paula is standing and dancing, clapping and grooving along, while Kat, safe in her own superiority, fakes clapping along with a shitty look on her face. This one couldn’t muster up sympathy for anyone in a children’s cancer ward. Elliott is pulling out all the stops for the end and Ken the director is feeling evil tonight as he keeps cutting back to Katharine, who can’t be bothered to do anything but look bored. America, I hope you remember this attitude when you vote next week. This much hubris and she isn’t even famous. Imagine how she’ll be if she manages to get a recording contract. It’ll be all Stop Katharine McPhee’s Head, I Wanna Get Off!

Well, Paris is being cut tonight. Another cut to Katharine, then Taylor and Chris, none of whom are showing much emotion. This must have been a reflex action of Ken’s part, since he’s so used to cutting to Paris for some crocodile tears, but oh no, who cries for Paris?? Apparently, no one.

We see Paris’ journey, but I’m going to give you Flock’s patented Paris Bennett Journey, since Idol is gonna skip all the good parts. We started with Paris who wowed us in the auditions with Take Five while her semi-famous grandmother basked in the credit. Then there was Hollywood Paris who never seemed to pick the right songs and whose star began to wane. Then there was Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Balloon Head Paris, who said that the one thing she’d lost during Hollywood week was part of her charisma. Then there was Paris Magdalene, certain she had favor and was God’s chosen one. Gotta give a shout out to all the crazy wigs and outfits, too, all of which are going back to Frederick’s of Hollywood and Laura San Giacomo’s character from “Pretty Woman.” Then there was 007’s newest assistant, TenQ. Ahh, the many moods of Paris when she fizzles.

Tune in with me next week for what’s sure to be the most upsetting Wednesday ever.

Seagulls out.

Something in the Way He Jiggles. AI Re-cap 5/2

Reports of my premature demise have been greatly exaggerated.

As some of you may have heard in the past week, I have a stalker. He’s a freak that goes by the name of Locutus and for some reason, he hates me. Well, let’s not beat around the bush, I know why he hates me; I’m gay and I’m smarter than he is. This re-cap column, in addition to being published on my blog, goes out to several other Idol sites, some of whom copy and paste, others I send it to, myself. One of those sites is the AI Newsgroup on Usenet. In addition to posting re-caps there, I also post comments and responses to other threads in the group. For the past few weeks, ever since the whole Mandisa controversy, this so-called “Locutus” has been posting any number of anti-gay slurs about me, getting nastier and cruder as they go on. Now, that I can handle and it rolls off my back. I’m a big boy and it’s not the first time someone has attempted to shout me down because of who I am.

However, this past Friday, he decided to take it up a notch. I received an e-mail from this person stating he had done a search of some kind on me and found out my home address, telephone number and other private pieces of information about me that no one would want publicly floating around on the internet. No, I wasn’t arrested or anything, these are everyday pieces of information we all have, but should not be trumpeted to the world. Locutus just wanted to “clear them” with me to make sure they were correct before he posted them in public for all to see. I chose not to respond.

Today rolled around and I received another e-mail from him, saying that he must have the correct information and since he hadn’t heard from me, he was going to post it at the end of the day unless I never posted on Usenet again. Well, a quick phone call to my attorney and some help by a couple of people who know way more about tracking people via e-mail than I do led us to a path where we could find out who he is. I sent him an e-mail explaining to him that he had no permission to post such information about me and that if he did, he’d be subject to criminal and civil liability. All of this wasted a lot of time, and for what? So I wouldn’t post my opinion of American Idol like everyone else across the country has been doing? Because I’m gay and not ashamed of it, the way this creep thinks we all should be? I don’t respond well to threats and giving in to this ass would make me feel as though I can’t reveal that part of myself in future situations and I never want to feel that way. I never want anyone to feel that way about who they are.

So is it worth it? Is it worth the risk just to have my say and not be pushed around. Well, since we tracked him, the playing field has been leveled somewhat, but I won’t be able to really tell until I’ve watched tonight’s performance.

Seacrest is in the back of the house, standing next to a toothless little moppet who I’m praying he doesn’t turn into another sidekick for the evening. Ryan doesn’t work well with animals, small children, Paula Abdul or improvisation. Anthony Federov is in the audience looking as cute as can be. I just want to poke my finger in his trach-hole and see if he clutches his tummy and goes “hee-hee!” like the Pillsbury doughboy.

Ryan says the soap opera continues tonight. Funny, I thought it was a singing competition. He introduces the judges and there is no banter because we have 10 songs and only one hour. Not even a moment to snark on Paula’s Venus on the half-shell by way of seven cocktails hair-don’t. The contestants are each singing two songs. The first is from the year they were born and the second is any song from any of the Top 10 charts. Gosh, were these themes done maybe…just last year? Let’s think of some new themes, folks.

Elliott is up first and he was born in 1978. He tells us he had a bad habit of chewing on his nails when he was a baby that has only gotten worse since he’s been on the show. I want to make an obvious teeth joke here, but it’s Elliott and the guy is so talented and so damn cool and hasn’t made one major misstep in this whole competition as of yet, which is something you can’t say for any of the other Idols, so even though it’s in my nature, I have to take a pass. No harsh words for E other than if I don’t like his singing. Elliott will be performing “On Broadway,” by George Benson. Yeah, the one Scott Savol did last year in the same week and he was voted off. Harbinger, anyone?

Elliott comes down from the bridge that links LAX to the stages of Idol. He’s trying to catch a connecting flight to Brugge, but thought he’d stop off and sing us a little song first. The song starts out a little underwhelming, then Elliott does a sweet little mini-scat and after that it’s like he’s singing another song. His confidence is up and he’s not singing in a key that’s not right for him like he did the first part of the song. It was good, but not my favorite Elliott performance by far. But he looks good tonight and he’s sweet and he even waved to Ace who’s in the audience with a big ol’ fake smile plastered on his face while his agent fields offers from Rosie’s Cruise Lines.

Randy and Paula pretty much say what I did, but Simon, having thrown Elliott one bone per every seven weeks, is back to his old pisshead, anti-pimp self and says Elliott is lucky he has another song. So we’re at the point where Simon can expand his repertoire of tired old catch phrases. I’m surprised Federov didn’t get up and yell it along with him, since that was said to A-Fed many a time last season. I’ve been trying to call for E and only managed to get through once. The recordings have now changed and you get to hear the voice of the Idol you vote for. I’m tempted to call Katharine’s line just to see if she’s offering a free nipple peek with every vote. Uhh, did Ryan just call Elliott, Yamin the Machine???

Back from the break and Princess Plea is up next and she’s really been sucking the helium today. My guess is a German Shepard got a hold of the squeak toy in her voice box and chewed on it some. Make her stop talking. Shut up shut up shut up. Especially when she announces that, since she was born in 1988, she’s singing Kiss by Prince. But Flock, you say, that song came out in 1986. Indeed it did, children, but you see Paris is doing the Tom Jones version. Does this mean she’s going to be wearing a ruffled tuxedo shirt open halfway so we can see the hair on her chest? Paris tells us her mom used to dress her in ruffled dresses and we see a shot of the Baby Black Jesus dressed like the party hat Lolly Lollapalooza from “Lidsville.”

Paris starts singing and it’s like the old days of Lisa Tucker, shaky, a bit off key, tentative and much too unsophisticated to pull it off. Paris sings that you don’t have to be experienced to turn her out. No, you just have to have a swell collection of wigs and a box of animal crackers. Seriously, I don’t want to think of any underage girl who sounds like she’s seven singing about being turned out. Paris gets to the bridge and she thinks she wants to dance, which means jiggling up and down in her red pumps, trying to dislodge that piece of fruit rollup that’s blocking her larynx.

Randy Jackson likes it, Paula sidesteps actually criticizing the performance by saying Paris can sing her butt off (and after a few bad camera angles in those jeans, she ought to try harder) but that she likes when Paris sings the old songs. Simon says it was screechy and annoying and Ryan rushes to Paris’ defense the way he didn’t for Elliott.

Chris is up next. He was born in 1979, one of my favorite years as a child. We see pictures of Chris as a kid, including one of him on his first day at mime school. That explains the often blank look on his face and absence of personality. It cracks me up that people accuse Elliott of having no charisma, yet Chris is completely devoid of any human traits. I guess screaming and a laser light show help mask your personality flaws better than just singing amazingly.

Daughtry will be singing “Renegade” by Styx. Once again, Chris comes off with no colors to his voice. Everything is shouted and I found myself drifting off to tomorrow’s schedule while watching. It wasn’t a bad vocal, except for Chris’ attempt at a high note, but it was boring. Chris is back to being pimped again this week. All judges gave him a pass. I understand how one could be fooled by that performance, but again, I’ve seen worse from Chris and I won’t complain.

Speaking of worse, we’re up to Katharine, who’s in a slinky black dress. Let’s hope this one covers her dimpled thighs a bit better than last week’s. Ryan brings up the “wardrobe malfunction” (his words, not mine) from last week, and let me tell you, this household was definitely screaming “Put it back in! Put it back in!” Another such mishap should not occur tonight as Kat is crammed into that dress so tightly, it resembles a sausage casing. Katharine says that when she came out of the delivery room (is this a euphemism or does she really not know where babies come from?) she didn’t cry at all. Apparently her father has been making up for lost time. In every baby and toddler photo, little McPhee is wearing so much lip gloss, I’m surprised she didn’t choose to sing “Private Dancer.”

But now, Kat, who was born in 1984, is delighting us with the umpteenth rendition of Phil Collins’ “Against All Odds.” Just like last week when she chose to do the umpteenth rendition of “I Have Nothing.” Her song choices are about as original as her runs. Wait, didn’t Scott Savol butcher this song about three times last season? Oh my God, is this theme really The Music of Scott Savol? Will Taylor come out and sing Dance With My Father?

Kat starts out problematically with the low notes, then points on the line “with you” and it made me laugh out loud. The bottom of her dress is so tight, I don’t know how she’s even walking in it. God, that stunk out loud in so many small spots, they’re too numerous to mention. I’ll give you my top three.

1- Fa-AA-ayh-AYH-ah-OOH-aaa-ehayhayhay-aaa (at this point Ace stands up in the audience as yells out, “For chrissakes, it’s F-ACE!!!!!)
2- The one-two yodel-gasp on the word “look” at the end.
3- The fact that she had to walk around the stage like she was smuggling a T-bone steak out of the A&P between her legs.

And the judges say- Well, Randy & Paula start out with fashion, so neither of them like it. Then Simon says it was a mess and the song got away from her, but then says it was one of her best performances. Ryan asks Katharine what the problem was and Katharine looked like she was about to say “the judges had shit in their ears, I’m always flawless,” but instead Simon interrupts to say he meant it wasn’t one of her best performances after it’s already been forgotten, making an even more awkward moment out of it. Now let’s get on to Taylor so the jaws of life can come in backstage and get Kat out of that dress.

Taylor was born in 1976 and I really think I need to see documented proof of this. I swear I’m older than this guy, but I could pass for his son. We see the many changes of Taylor Hicks’ hair. One thing that remained constant was the Tupperware bowl cut. Taylor is singing “Play That Funky Music,” by Wild Cherry, which means I have to change the ring tone on my cell phone to anything else immediately, lest I be taken for one of the Soul Patrol.

Taylor is dressed in one of the ugliest shirts I have ever seen and he should never wear jeans unless each thigh is prepared to carry an apple behind the kneecap. Yee-ikes. This is all regular horrible Taylor dancing. The guy can’t move for shit and was so exhausted, he collapsed onstage at the end. That, my friends, is what’s known as a karaoke performance. The vocals weren’t as bad as last week, but they were all shouting, so how could you tell? Randy didn’t like it, Paula refrained and Simon said it was a horrible, horrible wedding performance and it’s true. Ryan comes out and asks Taylor to show him the last move where he falls on the floor because you know, Ryan’s feet don’t actually touch the floor, so it’s a place he’s unfamiliar with. Seacrest actually flops down on the ground and the team of groomers with lint rollers, blow dryers, and perfume bottles is already assembling right off-camera. Ryan gives the phone numbers while Taylor whoos and soul patrols into the camera, which keeps trying for a wide shot, but pulls up every time they get a glimpse of Taylor’s belly hanging out of his shirt.

Time for the second go-round. I’ve been voting for Elliott all this time and am sad to say I haven’t been having much trouble getting through. And he’s up first with his second song, Michael Buble’s “Home.” I don’t know this song, but I do know Buble and I find him kind of dull. But first, we get a tribute to Billboard magazine and it’s current six hundred weekly charts. This is the magazine equivalent to the Grammy Awards. All these charts so that record companies can claim their artists had a number one song or album. It’s all bullshit. The show takes the opportunity to faux pimp its past Idols successes and they show Kelly Clarkson singing “A Moment Like This” on the 1st season finale and when I hear her, all I can think is how everyone this season and last couldn’t and can’t hold a candle to her, vocally.

Ryan and Randy pimp the Season 5 Idols CD and Ryan tries out the gang signs move that Randy is always doing and looks like a complete tool. Get me to Elliott fast. Okay, the song is nice. It’s a little like “Get Here,” only not awful. Elliott sings it quietly and straight out, no Melisma McPhee is he. I liked it, but this is not the type of performance that keeps you on Idol. Unfortunately, the stupid assed Taylor Hicks crap we saw previously is the kind of performance that keeps you on Idol. Elliott gets his cues missed and starts to run back to Ryan before getting his comments from the judges. Ryan, always looking to be this generation’s Jerry Lewis, mock races him back to center stage. Randy and Paula both loved the performance, Simon says he was a little bit concerned about the performance and wouldn’t have chosen a song with the lyric “I want to go home,” in it. Hopefully, that did the trick and people will vote for Elliott, but still, I have been dialing endlessly and have been getting nary a busy signal.

Paris is next and singing Mary J. Blige’s “Be Without You.” This is not my taste in music. All these songs sound the same to me and I can never tell the singer or the song apart, though I did love Mary’s first CD “What’s the 411.” Before I talk about Paris’ singing, I need to mention the outfit. Oh lord in heaven up to Jebus the outfit. A sleeveless camouflage top, a wide red sash-belt and silver lame Capri pants that look like they’re sewn out of the material they make those reducing fat suits from. Paris sounded okay on the song until the end where she blew out some of the notes. Yelling “Come on!” to the crowd during a ballad doesn’t really make much sense, either. I hope she’s going home tomorrow. This one is like a cockroach, though. We can’t seem to kill her.
The judges all compared her to Mary J. and said she pulled it off. I wonder if the Katharine huggers from last week are going to complain because a contestant was compared favorably to the original artist instead of negatively the way McPhee’s not so hot rendition of Whitney went. Uh, did Seacrest actually say “Friends, if you’d like to vote for Paris…” Is he selling Vitameatavegamin?

Chris is singing a song called “I Dare You,” by Shinedown, which I don’t know, but since it’s from the modern rock chart, that means it’ll be screamy. What am I talking about? Even if it were from the klezmer charts it’d be screamy. We see a shot of the audience and two people have gotten up from their seats and left. If only I was that lucky. Chris is getting another big stage pimp. Red lights and all the video screens awash in flames. You know what would make this song tolerable? If a line of dancing heat misers kick lined across the stage singing “He’s Mr. Green Christmas, He’s Mr. Sun. He’s Mr. Heat Blister, He’s Mr. 101.”

Before the screaming gets intolerable, the song (and the singer) sound like late Gin Blossoms “’Til I Hear it From You.” It’s nice to know Chris won’t be stuck only being able to do a Live tribute band. He can sound like other faded away ‘90s rockers. Hey Daughtry, how’s your Scott Weiland? The judges give Chris a pass, though Simon says he thought Chris’ voice was ready to give way. Chris complains that he has sung the song five times today and his voice is tired. Well, a trained singer would know how to protect from that. You wanna end up sounding like Stevie Nicks, shredding her voice to shit by the time 1980 rolled around because she didn’t know how to protect it? Wait, what am I saying? Shred, baby, shred.

Katharine is up next doing the worst song of 2006, “The Horse Cart and Cherry Tree” or whatever the fuck this thing is called, by KT Tunstall, who could probably go on tour with Daniel Powter and James Blunt as the One Hit Wonder-Palooza of 2006. This is the whoo-hoo song I so despise, especially since they started using it on all the commercials for that soon to be cancelled show Pepper Dennis starring Rebecca Romijn. Rebecca suffers from what I call the Jenny McCarthy syndrome. That is- beautiful woman, usually a model or game show hostess or something involving her body and not talking, decides she’s an actress. Not only an actress, but a comedienne. The next Lucy! So these airheads take on roles that let them be silly and klutzy and messy so that you won’t notice how pretty they are and they can make fun of themselves. Only none of them have talent and they all bomb. What’s wrong with just standing there and looking pretty? Hell, if I could do it and get paid for it, I’d need no other ambition.

Back to Katharine and her cherry tree. She’s kneeling on the floor in one of the preggo shirts, probably because she’s swollen from squeezing into the earlier dress and the body just went phoooooooooo and that’s all that would fit. There are two men next to her playing what look like disconnected kitchen sinks. Apropos since McPhee is shoving everything but the kitchen sink into this performance. She’s pointing again on the word “you” and smiling her blank smile and I can’t if it’s inappropriate because I have no idea what this song is about besides Taylor Hicks’ mating call. Kat is scuffling on her knees toward the sink players, away from them. Toward them, away from them. This performance is a hot mess. Kat pops up off her knees with a self satisfied smirk and cut to a shot of papa Richard Jewell, his cheeks wet with tears. I suppose if Peisha had my balls in a vice, I’d be always crying, too. Katharine does her superior hop while the judges lavish praise on her and we learn that Cisco and Fats were playing box drums, not kitchen sinks.

Speaking of Cisco and Fats, Taylor Hicks is bringing up the rear with his song. He’s doing a bit of a cheat this week, singing “Something” by the Beatles because their #1s album is in the top 10 somewhere. This is what I mean. This album is not on the Top 200. It’s on the Top Pop Catalogue chart which is a new chart invented a few years ago to give classic artists one more place to hit #1 and no one to ever have the opportunity to chart longer than Tapestry or Dark Side of the Moon. Why? Because once Billboard decides you’ve had your time in the sun, they move you off the main chart, whether you deserve it or not. This defeats the purpose of the idols singing current hits, but since it’s Taylor and he couldn’t handle a ballad with oven mitts, what does it matter?

Oof, the beginning was rather terrible and as for the end, well, I never heard The Beatles use melisma once on any of their songs and I don’t believe Something ends with George Harrison singing do do de doodleooh hmm hmmm hmmmmmm. Maybe Ned Flanders’ version, but not George Harrison’s. Randy wasn’t thrilled and he tried to get Paula on board with no luck. Simon says he doesn’t know how Taylor managed to get a 30 year old song (36, actually) passed as a hit of today. He says that he sometimes forgets for all of Taylor’s barminess that he has a very good voice. That elicits said barminess in the guise of a double whoo!

Because we have an extra three minutes, Ryan asks the judges to vamp and say how they thought the evening went, as though their ten sets of comments hadn’t already done that. Instead of recapping the re-cap, I’ll give you my picks, broken down into three categories; first set of songs, second set and overall.

Year They Were Born

1- Elliott
2- Chris
3- Katharine
4- Taylor
5- Paris
Though none of them were smashing.

Today’s Hits

1- Elliot
2- Paris
3- Taylor
4- Chris
5- Katharine

Overall

1- Elliott
2- Chris
3- Taylor
4- Paris
5- Katharine

Who should go- Katharine, though I wouldn’t mind if Paris flew.
Who will go- I’m worried for Elliott, but I’ll say Paris.

Remember, I’ll be bringing you re-caps til the end of the season. No matter what.

Seagulls out.