A Little Less Tommy Mottola. AI Re-cap 5/9

I do believe that the chair next to Ryan when he makes his introduction at the beginning of the show should be dubbed “The Elsie Seat,” the reason being that whoever inhabits it is usually some heifer with a bad mullet who’s craned around in her chair just enough to show every waddle and pinch. Ladies, if you see you’re close to the Seacrest at any time, someone may be trying to tell you something.

Tonight the word “is” drew the short straw and will be unnecessarily punched up by Ryan in the phrase “This is American Idol.” Two more weeks from Wednesday and I won’t have to look at his frog puss again until January 2007.

For those of you who have been under a rock the past week (or actually have lives) this week’s completely inappropriate theme is the music of Elvis. That’s right, our remaining four contestants will sing not one but two, count ‘em, two Elvis Presley songs. Or as Highlights magazine used to call him in their joke section, Elvis Parsley. I’ve never been a fan of Elvis, I was but a tot when he died on the toilet and I was blessed to have parents who didn’t torture me with his music. I think you can all see what sort of evening this is going to be for me. We see footage of Kat, Chris, Elliott and Hambone, err.. Taylor deplaning at Graceland where they will be meeting with professional widow and plastic surgery victim Priscilla Presley, her even creepier and crazier daughter, Mrs. DannyKeoughMichaelJacksonNickCageSomeOtherGuy. This would be a good time to jot down any questions you might have about Scientology, as both ladies Presley are active members. Does anyone know, have we gotten any confirmation on whether Katharine has sold her soul to the Klingons, as well?

And if that weren’t enough (and it’s more than plenty for me) former Sony Music chairman and Mr. Mariah Carey, Tommy Mottola will be joining us. My guess is because he and Elvis have matching waistlines. I wonder if he and Taylor will have a fried chicken eating contest? Chris is shown relaxing like the rock star he isn’t in the Idol private jet and oodles of fans (27) are at the gates of Graceland awaiting the final four. Taylor looks out the window at the house and erroneously calls it the birthplace of Rock & Roll. Since Elvis bought the house after he was a world famous star, I would say that would probably be inaccurate. But then again, Taylor has shown he knows as much about authentic rock & roll as he knows about Slim-Fast.

The idols are greeted at the door by Marilyn Manson, a surprise guest this week probably there to aid Chris with his screaming. What? No, that’s…. Really? My mistake folks, that’s actually Priscilla Presley. Apparently I wasn’t aware things had gone quite so awry with her reconstruction. Was she tragically burned in a fire somehow? I mean no one CHOOSES to look like that, do they? Priscilla takes them on a tour of Graceland and they run smack dab into Vincent Price. Awww, come on! That’s Tommy Mottola? What the hell is wrong with everyone this week?? Between Presley and Mottola, I’d swear someone was filming a remake of “House of Wax” at Elvis’ old abode. Tommy is introduced as the mastermind behind Jennifer Lopez, Destiny’s Child and Shakira, so you know this guy hasn’t got a fucking clue about great singing.

Priscilla lies and says if Elvis were alive, he’d love the show and cheer everyone on. Let’s face it, if Elvis were still alive, he’d either be batshit crazy or on about 1000 mg of Percodan a day. Or both. Mottola lies and says this is the greatest year of Idol yet because of how personal all the contestants have made each of the songs. And I’m lying when I say that neither of them has made me want to vomit a hairball.

Taylor is up first and he’s posed in front of an ugly Olan Mills backdrop that’s supposed to simulate the grounds of Graceland. I guess the fake library one was being used for the Glickstein’s bat-mitzvah shots. Taylor is excited it’s Elvis week and will be performing “Jailhouse Rock,” so he can incorporate dancing and singing. He works on his song with that renowned vocal coach, Tommy Mottola, whose only advice is to take Taylor up a half key because that’s how Elvis sang it. So much for the contestants making the songs their own, Tom.

Taylor’s song starts out with a guitarist on the lip of the stage who looks like a cross between Cheech and the cartoon character Russell from Fat Albert & The Cosby Kids. This is to distract us from Taylor lumbering down the stairs in the audience like a wounded buffalo who needs to find a bathroom. Old crazy legs can barely make it onstage before he yanks out his earphones and says “How” to the Lakota tribe with the smoke he’s generating from his thighs rubbing together. Vocally, the song is not bad. It sounds like karaoke Elvis, but good karaoke Elvis, which is about all one can hope for when singing that song.

Randy and Paula love the performance. Simon says it’s time to get into the real world and recognize the performance for bad karaoke. He can barely get through his next comments because Paula begins shouting him down, so much so he yells at her to shut up. Ryan comes to the rescue and belittles Simon’s critique even more. I hereby give Simon full permission to interrupt all three of those buffoons while they’re trying to do their jobs just like they do to him. Taylor whoos and “Soul Patrols” like a freakin’ monkey.

Back from the break and Chris is next. Ryan pimps him mightily and asks about his various fan clubs. Chris gives the names of them, all of which are too inane to give room for, and says they send him gifts. He also answers the burning question on all of these losers minds, he wears boxer briefs. Well, duh, all that screaming is bound to rip your nad sack if it isn’t fastened in securely. Ryan does a hysterically unfunny bit about being uncomfortable about Chris’ topic of underwear.

Has anyone ever noticed that when Chris talks for a period of time, he sounds exactly like Gary Cole’s character from “Office Space,” Bill Lumbergh?

Tommy Mottola offers his second horrible piece of advice of the evening, telling Chris he’s singing too softly and really needs to push it. Seriously, at this point, I think Lisa Marie is more qualified to dole out advice. It’s times like this I miss Pickler because you know she’d just come right out and ask Tommy about Mariah.

Chris is singing “Suspicious Minds,” and he walks out dressed like a Bo Bice wannabe with the sunglasses and the mic-stand poses, tossing in a little Bono march in place circa 1983 concert at Red Rocks. Does anything actually originate in that big bald dome of his or do they just show movies inside it? The vocals aren’t bad. No screaming, so that’s always a plus, but Chris killed any cred with that dumb assed outfit. If you’ve ever heard Candi Staton sing this song, you’d know it can be covered really well, and by a woman, which tosses out Kat’s whining about having to do men’s songs. Randy was just okay with it, Paula wet her seat and told Chris she’d see him in the finals and Simon said sunglasses notwithstanding, it was a good performance. Ryan says something about boxer briefs being called hybrids and I dunno, I wear them and I’ve never heard that, but then again, I’m not as completely and utterly cool as Ryan Seacrest.

Elliott is up next. I’ve already started voting for him and I got through the first few times, but now it’s completely busy. Tommy and the producers completely de-pimp Elliott. Mottola has nothing nice to say about him which, based on earlier advice, means nothing, but it still sucks. So of course, Elliott walks out and kicks Mottola’s teeth in with a slam-fucking-dunk performance of “If I Can Dream”. It was rousing and inspiring and a full on money in the bank show compared to the previous two nice karaoke joints done before him. I know a lot of people don’t like Elliott’s vibrato, and that’s just taster’s choice, but even with that vibrato, Elliott has, hands down, the best voice in this competition.

Randy says he was worried about Elliott doing Elvis, but that he made it his own and it was hot. Paula loved him like crazy and was a bit teary (or has pink eye, I couldn’t tell) and Simon says it’s the best of the evening so far.

Katharine is next and Mottola licks her out with the compliments, for sure wanting to get into her pants the way he did all the other amazing voices he’s signed, like J.Lo. Kat will be doing a medley of “Houng Dog” & “All Shook Up.” Paging the Sweeney Sisters. Your long lost triplet has been found. Seriously, this number would be right at home during a Branson, MO stage show performed by Vikki Carr. At one point, Kat runs out of breath from hopping around on the stage and has to put her back to the audience in order to gulp some sweet, precious air. Kellie Pickler would be embarrassed of this performance. Way to go, Mottola, you’re 0 for 4.

Randy says it looked like Katharine had fun, but she dropped one of the lyrics. Paula applauded her “choreography” to cover the slip, which consisted of her turning her back to the audience (I still think it was to catch her breath). Simon says it was like someone trying out for musical theatre to show they can do it all. It was screechy and terrible and he hops she has a better second song. Katharine shows what a good sport he is by making a face at him and then calling out for her McFans. I’m McOver this bitch.

Second round starts with Taylor singing “In the Ghetto.” Ryan asks some inane bullshit about Hicks asking out Lisa Marie because Ryan keeps up on the tabloids. That must explain his dropping Teri Hatcher like a hot potato when he read in the Enquirer that no one believed they were actually an item. Mottola pimps Taylor to the nines and advises him to sell the song with his voice and not his bullshit histrionics. Taylor actually manages this for the first half of the song by sitting down and for the first time sounds comfortable singing without the aid of his bodily distractions. Then he has to go and blow it by standing up and the vocal gets shrieky and oversung and ruined. The judges all overpraise the performance with Simon saying Taylor just sang his way into the semi-finals. Well, duh. Taylor yells out “Soul Patrol” another 300 times while Ryan gives the numbers. There’s a guy who works out at my gym who is on the Idol crew and he says all the backstage people can’t stand Taylor because he’s a complete asshole and curses at them and treats them like shit. I’m sure the ego has definitely taken flight with this fathead and Elliott is probably the only one left that anyone can stand to be around.

Chris is next. He’ll be singing “A Little Less Conversation,” which is one of the few Elvis songs I’d actually choose to listen to done by Elvis. I’m gonna do this real fast. Tommy pimps Chris without saying anything of value. Chris in the first ¾ of the song sounds like he’s reciting a grocery list in a monotone. Last part of the song is all screamy and gargly.

Paula and Randy loved it, Simon thought up until the end it was flat. Chris says that that’s the way Elvis sang the song. No, Chris, it’s not. It’s the way you sang the song. Badly.

Elliott will be singing “Trouble,” which I think is an apt name for his doing this song. For those of you unfamiliar with this number, it sounds a lot like W-O-M-A-N, or as I remember it as a kid, the Enjoli Perfume jingle. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan…. that song, which is all speaking during the verses and singing only on the chorus. Why anyone would choose to do a talk song, especially on a week they’re most vulnerable, is a mystery to me. Let’s see how he does.

I bow down and apologize for ever having doubted my little Yamin. To quote Randy, that was a HOT ONE! Holy shit. Quite amazing. Randy and Paula correct themselves from earlier in the show and say that THIS performance was Elliott’s best ever and Simon says Elliott has finally shown some personality, proved he deserves to be here and to advance to the next round. WOW! Did I hear that correctly? I’m in shock. Could we just stop now and skip McPhee’s caterwauling so I can leave with a warm glow? Yeah, I guess not. Ick.

Katharine is singing “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” Here’s my assessment…

Melisma, melisma, wrong key, shriek, melisma, melisma, off key for a few bars, shrieky, shrieky, smile pretty, sell that fridge, YELL, Mel-eeeeee-E-E-ee-E-ss-Ma, shriek, big finish.

The judges weren’t thrilled. You know Paula didn’t like it when she spends her whole time re-critiquing the choreography of Katharine’s first performance without ever mentioning the one at hand. Simon says it was too much. He wanted apple pie, but he got apple pie with a gallon of ice cream on top. It was too much, too over the top. Amazing that in how many weeks we’ve been on the air and he’s just noticed this about McPhee? I mean the woman practically churns butter brickle out of her cooch every week, but he’s finally getting around to realizing it.

Okay, all in all not a bad week. I think we needed a little less Tommy Mottola and little more plastic surgery Scientologists. My rankings:

1- Elliott
(BIG gap)
2- Chris
(WAY BIG gap)
3- Taylor
4- Katharine

Who should go- Katharine. She’s been rancid for too long. That cream is no longer fresh.

Who will go- I gotta say, I actually have hope for my boy Elliott after those two phenomenal performances tonight, but I know the deck is stacked against him. If Katharine doesn’t pull an upset by leaving, look for my man Yamin to go out on one of the highest notes since La Toya London.

See you all tomorrow. Seagulls out.