Fire Sale on Wigs! Everything Must Go! AI Re-cap 5/3

Good news, Good news. All of the unpleasantness from the past few days has cleared itself up (as of now) and we’ll go on hopefully with the promise that it won’t ever come back. I’m all for putting it behind me and moving on. Thanks to all those who e-mailed their support. But dammit, we got a show to do, baby!

I have to admit that I was so nervous for my boy Elliott that despite what Dialidol.com said about him coming in third, I cheated and checked to see if he was indeed going home. What, you think I’m gonna reveal it now when we have thirty awful minutes to get through? No, you don’t get off that easily. If I have to jump down the sewer, your asses are coming with me.

Ryan’s ass is 2 da back again, of the house that is, and he’s standing next to the body double for Martha Dumptruck of “Heathers.” The camera crane can’t rise fast enough to get away from her as it speeds toward the final five. We see their fake grins. Once again, Katharine wins the prize for fakest. Like a bad car accident, the camera can’t resist getting one more peek at Martha and jumps back to Seacrest. This. Is. American Idol.

Have you all heard Teri Hatcher blabbing her mouth on Oprah about the big fizzled romance between her and Seacrest? Turns out they went on one date, got their photo op and Ryan called her and told her he just couldn’t do this anymore, and she hasn’t seen him since.

Remember, I promised another contest for you all so here it is… just what is it Ryan couldn’t do anymore with Miss Hatcher? Send your excuses to flkofcguls@aol.com
And I’ll post the top five, winner gets a cool AI prize which is a secret, mostly because I’m gonna spend next week finding one. I’ll be taking entries through Monday, May 8th and I’ll post the top 5 in Tuesday’s re-cap. The last contest was such a success and I know you all can make this one even better. Hop to it!

Ryan tells us that almost 45 million votes were cast last night. Carmen Electra, who is in the audience, is trying to figure out how that stacks up against the number of cc’s of saline in her breast implants divided by the number of brain cells she’d need to acquire to read on a fourth grade level.

Randy boos Simon and Ryan turns his attention to the contestants. I wish for once Randy would have a brain fart and accidentally boo the idols, instead. Ryan asks Chris how they’re all holding up to the pressure. Chris nods and says fine, good. Uh oh, something must have popped upstairs last night during that screamfest. Now, I went and listened to the original versions of both “Home” by Michael Buble and “I Dare You” by Shinedown, neither of which I had heard before I saw Elliott and Chris, respectively, perform them. I thought Elliott actually improved a bit on the original. Chris, on the other hand killed a really good song by screaming it. Now, the vocalist for Shinedown, while not the most amazing singer, at least has some color and tone to his voice. Chris, on the other hand yelled so hard he nearly caused a brain hemorrhage worthy of the final scene from “The Fury.”

Taylor is asked if rivalries between the five have cropped up, now that it’s getting down to the wire. Taylor gallantly sidesteps the crass question. If it had been me, I would have asked Ryan if he’d hooked up with Ace after the show last night. Ryan asks Katharine what the most difficult thing about last night was. Instead of saying it was trying to walk while inside the body of an anaconda, Katharine mentions Against All Odds. Kat is wearing a spaghetti strap number tonight and I never realized that she has shoulder like a linebacker. I have very broad shoulders and Katharine looks like she could probably take me in a scrimmage. Paris is wearing rolled up clamdiggers and speaks in a frequency only dogs and Joni Mitchell can hear.

Ryan shills for the American Idol tour while Up With People gets ready to sing it’s group song, Together We Are One (Sha na na na na na nah na na). Chris starts with a solo and the furrows between his eyebrows are so deep from yell-singing that I hope he does make it to the finals, because the sorghum crop he planted in there will just be ready for harvesting around that time. Taylor is next and he does a little Bedrock Twitch. Uh-oh, someone had an extra helping of waffles for breakfast this morning. Katharine just can’t help melisma-ing during the group sing so she can stand out. In the audience, Peisha is giving her the “showgirls” signal so she can trip Paris on the way down the stairs. Elliott is dressed in a pin-stripe suit, t-shirt and sneakers and looks like Ryan Seacrest as Baretta. Paris takes the lead last and sounds great until she gets to the last note, clubbing it to death and throwing it backstage to be made into next week’s outfit. A choir of probably much better singers than our final five come out to gospel it up for them. I seriously hope this terrible song is the Idol single for 2006 and that Chris wins and is forced to record it. Big finish and the Idols all smile into a floor cam, Taylor giving Katharine a dirty look as she muscles into the front, blocking everyone else. I guess she’s been appointed camera hog now that Pickler is gone.

Pimp-o-mercial is on and the whitest people in the world (including Paris) are singing “Hollywood Swinging” by Kool & The Gang. I wonder what Tarantino thinks of his precious Idol now? I gotta say, Paris looks almost beautiful in the shots of her in the front seat of the car. Taylor is dressed for Birmingham’s first local cast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Seacrest makes some joke about never wearing shoulder pads again. How about lifts and the crotch sock, too, you poseur?

Ryan says that the “buzz” around town (he probably means at his beauty parlor) is that Paula gave the best comments last night. Simon says the polls say he is trusted 78% of the three judges and they bicker amongst themselves. Behind Simon, a teenage girl watches with growing concern on her face, she thinks this, as well as everything else on Idol, is actually genuine. Silly cow.

Ryan tells the contestants that this week they will be whisked off in the company jet to Graceland to meet Priscilla Presley and Tommy Mottola. They will be singing the music of Elvis next week, and unfortunately, they don’t mean Costello. I suppose some would see this and say wow, they get to meet the wife of the King of Rock & Roll and one of the biggest music moguls ever. I look at it and I all I can think is- awesome, a treasure trove of plastic surgery, scientology and Mariah Carey jokes! Bring it on!!

Onward elimination. They are looking for the bottom two and Taylor is safe. Chris is dull and safe. Paris is in the bottom two and even she knows it before it’s said. Ann Nesby (or the corpse of June Pointer, I can’t be sure) nods disappointedly from the audience. Elliott tries to get some applause going for Paris while Ryan asks her to sing Kiss. Instead of breaking into some hot licks to “Rock & Roll All Night” or “Strutter,” it’s just that lousy old Prince song again. Princess Me deposits her gum into Seacrest’s palm and he does another of his corny Jerry Lewis double takes. Anyone who doesn’t think that whole move wasn’t choreographed to the nines, well, I’ve got some swamp land in Albermarle to sell you.

Paris is doing even more abysmally on this song than she did last night. This time, when she thinks she wants to dance, she shakes it so hard, her acceptance speech falls out of her Minnie Mouse blouse and on to the floor. Booo! Go home! And I don’t mean that in a Tracey Ullman sort of way. (Wait, have I made that joke before? God, am I recycling material? I can’t even remember.) Idol’s own Roberto Benigni struts behind Paris to grab her mic pack and Breakfast Clubs his way into her spotlight. If that was me he did that to, he’d have drawn back a stump. Ryan reminds us that either Elliott or Katharine will be joining Paris in the bottom two and we cut to a shot of E still standing and clapping for Paris, while Katharine is sitting on the sofa, legs crossed, looking the other way, filing her nails. She grudgingly rises to stand next to Elliott and we’ll find out who it is after the break. (Nyah, I already know.)

Kat looks like she’s getting a D&C while Ryan goes down her list of sins from the previous evening, but she needn’t panic, she’s safe. Cut to a shot of Peisha and the crying serial killer in the audience. Elliott comes over to sing “On Broadway,” not the song I would have chosen to possibly go out on. Elliott is singing the song EXACTLY the way he sang it last night which means I’m half and half on it. Paula is standing and dancing, clapping and grooving along, while Kat, safe in her own superiority, fakes clapping along with a shitty look on her face. This one couldn’t muster up sympathy for anyone in a children’s cancer ward. Elliott is pulling out all the stops for the end and Ken the director is feeling evil tonight as he keeps cutting back to Katharine, who can’t be bothered to do anything but look bored. America, I hope you remember this attitude when you vote next week. This much hubris and she isn’t even famous. Imagine how she’ll be if she manages to get a recording contract. It’ll be all Stop Katharine McPhee’s Head, I Wanna Get Off!

Well, Paris is being cut tonight. Another cut to Katharine, then Taylor and Chris, none of whom are showing much emotion. This must have been a reflex action of Ken’s part, since he’s so used to cutting to Paris for some crocodile tears, but oh no, who cries for Paris?? Apparently, no one.

We see Paris’ journey, but I’m going to give you Flock’s patented Paris Bennett Journey, since Idol is gonna skip all the good parts. We started with Paris who wowed us in the auditions with Take Five while her semi-famous grandmother basked in the credit. Then there was Hollywood Paris who never seemed to pick the right songs and whose star began to wane. Then there was Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Balloon Head Paris, who said that the one thing she’d lost during Hollywood week was part of her charisma. Then there was Paris Magdalene, certain she had favor and was God’s chosen one. Gotta give a shout out to all the crazy wigs and outfits, too, all of which are going back to Frederick’s of Hollywood and Laura San Giacomo’s character from “Pretty Woman.” Then there was 007’s newest assistant, TenQ. Ahh, the many moods of Paris when she fizzles.

Tune in with me next week for what’s sure to be the most upsetting Wednesday ever.

Seagulls out.