Star 81. AI Re-cap 4/26
Yikes, those naps can be a killer. Now I’ll never get to sleep tonight. Maybe if I re-cap the results show, it will properly enervate me and I can belly flop right back under the comforter. Let’s bulldoze, shall we?
Paula Abdul is working the crane camera tonight as it hovers somewhere over Seacrest’s manscape and then cuts out in mid-pitch, only to speed dizzyingly toward the remaining six idols. Taylor has a sickening look on his face, as though he’s worried he may go home tonight, but if anyone is coated with more Teflon that Pickler, it’s our Mr. Hicks. Or maybe he had one too many Fatburgers before the show; we can really only speculate.
Ryan walks out to thunderous applause and the smirk on his face makes me realize he really does think it’s all for him. He says we broke a record and I’m assuming he’s going to say biggest viewer drop during Pickler’s song last night, but no, he means votes. 47 million votes were cast. Well, yeah, you basically doubled the number of phone lines. What did you expect, douchebag?
The contestants are all squeezed onto one single couch this week. I’m guessing the other is being strapped onto the roof of Seacrest’s Miata to help fill that new house of his. Ryan intros the judges and says that a bunch of whiny, pissy little Fox viewers called last night and complained that Simon was too harsh on the contestants.
Huh???
Let’s for the moment try and put together a composite sketch of the sort of person who might take the time to call a network and complain about an Idol judge’s criticism.
Virgin
Lives with his mother
Backne
Possibly born with one testicle
mid 30s to late 40s
No friends
Growing up, had a poster of Tony Randall on his bedroom wall
Aspires to be more like his hero, Ryan Seacrest, but still shops at Chess King.
To make matters worse, Simon actually says he was wrong about Katharine and wants to apologize. But Simon, here’s the thing- YOU WEREN’T. Of all the things he ought to be apologizing for, like calling Taylor drunk or his six week long continual diss of Elliott or any sweater that shows off his high beams and THIS is what he fesses up to? If you’re going to recant what you said, then how do you expect to be taken seriously? Here’s my theory- Pickler is quickly tanking, which they weren’t expecting to happen last night, and now Katharine has to be the pimped female of the bunch, so Simon was probably ordered to say what he said.
This means two things- 1) Katharine is not going home tonight. 2) She’s going to be even more egotistical than ever.
Ryan then tries to get into some banter with the judges and Simon brings up the feud between him and Paula and since that wasn’t on the cue card, Seacrest is at a loss and sputters a couple lame ad-libs until Randy swoops in on a heavy duty vine and begs to get on with the show. We see clips from last night and watching back, I’m also convinced that Bocelli has a hygiene problem. Like being a native Italian couldn’t tell you that off the bat, I think it probably goes beyond that, like water hitting him in the dark freaks him out and he probably just takes a wash cloth to the dainty parts every now and then. I bet Foster would spill the beans if you got him drunk enough. We see McPhee sing again and after that stomp-vamp ridiculousness, I still think the judges should stand by their original assessment.
The pimp-o-mercial features “Call Me,” sung by the Doodletown Pipers and a dog that was more photogenic than all the Idols combined. I’m sure when Kellie looked in the box of newborn puppies, it made her misty for her own son back home. In any case, I still wouldn’t buy a Ford.
Ryan introduces Andrea Bocelli and David Foster and the audience rises as though they have any idea who these two are. Ryan asks Bocelli how it was working with the Idols and Andrea may possibly have a hearing problem, as well, as there’s about a ten second delay between Ryan’s question and his answer. Maybe someone is feeding him lines in Italian, probably telling him jokes about Kellie and how short Ryan is. Bocelli will be singing something called “Because We Believe,” which sounds like a reject title for one of the American Idol singles. I’ve heard Bocelli sing in English and it’s not pretty. Rather it sounds like Annie Sullivan is on the sidelines, finger spelling the lyrics into his palm and hoping he makes the connection. Bocelli is singing about closing our eyes and I wish he’d take his own advice. I mean, yes, the man certainly has a beautiful voice and amazing gift, but since I don’t wear adult diapers and watch re-runs of Matlock, this really isn’t my kind of muzak. I’m bored. As bored as I was last week during Rod Stewart’s song, and during Kenny Rogers’ song and Barry Manilow’s song and Stevie Wonder’s song. (I was merely aghast at Shakira’s song, since there was so much to snark on that I was anything but bored.) AARP ought to consider advertising during the results show. Bocelli finishes and the Idols rush the stage. Of course, Pickler is front and center, as usual, slack jawed and hoggy.
Back from the break and Lisa Tucker is in the audience. Since she’s not performing tonight, there’s no reason to take a hot comb to that mess of curls. Ryan pimps her appearance on tomorrow night’s episode of the OC and here’s a riddle- Which is more irrelevant? Lisa Tucker making an appearance on The OC or The OC itself?
Ryan is breaking the contestants into three groups of two. Katharine and Chris on the far side, Taylor and Elliott in the middle and Paris and Pickler on the near side. Seacrest says one group contains the top two, one group contains the bottom two and the last group is somewhere in the middle. (Somewhere? How about right in between, you dumb fuck?) Ryan sends Taylor and Elliott back to the couches, they are safe. I can’t tell you how happy I am to have been wrong about Elliott going tonight. I’m not the least bit bugged for not guessing right. Elliott hugs Paris and Taylor hugs Kellie, then sneaks back off to the couch to dip into his stash of panic M&Ms, which will tide him over until the buffet backstage and then the send off dinner. Plus, he’s got Dominos on speed dial, just in case.
Back from the break and Ryan says that Katharine and Chris received the highest number of votes last night. Katharine does her little superiority dance. All she needs is a bun and some smart shoes and she could rival The Church Lady. This is why Simon needn’t have apologized. The judges comments polarized the audience to pity vote for Kat. Taylor doesn’t look pleased to not be in the group with the highest votes and he tears into the side of a roast suckling pig. So that leaves Paris and Kellie. Ryan asks Kellie if this is the first time she’s been in the bottom three and Kellie says yes. Ryan asks Paris how many times this makes for her, since she practically has tape marks onstage with her name on them and she says, it’s my first time- being in the bottom two. Don’t be so sure, sister. Kellie says, unmiked (after how many weeks, the sound crew finally figured out to shut off her mic when she babbles???) that she was pretty sure she was in the bottom after last night’s performance.
Folks, it’s another 6th place controversial elimination. Kellie Pickler is going home.
YEAH!!!!!!!
The remaining Pointer Sisters wail, gnash and give it up to Jebus in the audience that their precious Princess Piss is safe. And this means that if Elliott knocks it out of the park again next week, he might actually make the final four.
We see Kellie’s journey that consists more of malapropisms than actual performances. Katharine wipes away a tear, or is it a sneer. Paris fakes wiping away a tear and Elliott is choked up, because as I just did, he realizes he has a shot at the Top Four. Ryan cues Kellie to thank her fans and that unleashes a torrent. Maybe she’ll talk long enough that we’ll be spared her song. And that’s exactly what happened. Thank you, Tivo.
Well, let this be a lesson to you, American Idol. You can shove someone down our throats and manipulate us into voting for them for only so long, but if they haven’t at least got some of the goods, they aren’t going to last. Kellie, I won’t miss you. I won’t even miss bashing you. I never for a moment liked you or bought your schtick and I still grieve for all the more talented people who could have had your spot and would have benefited from it more greatly. Now please go fade back into obscurity where you belong. Until next week…
Seagulls out.
Paula Abdul is working the crane camera tonight as it hovers somewhere over Seacrest’s manscape and then cuts out in mid-pitch, only to speed dizzyingly toward the remaining six idols. Taylor has a sickening look on his face, as though he’s worried he may go home tonight, but if anyone is coated with more Teflon that Pickler, it’s our Mr. Hicks. Or maybe he had one too many Fatburgers before the show; we can really only speculate.
Ryan walks out to thunderous applause and the smirk on his face makes me realize he really does think it’s all for him. He says we broke a record and I’m assuming he’s going to say biggest viewer drop during Pickler’s song last night, but no, he means votes. 47 million votes were cast. Well, yeah, you basically doubled the number of phone lines. What did you expect, douchebag?
The contestants are all squeezed onto one single couch this week. I’m guessing the other is being strapped onto the roof of Seacrest’s Miata to help fill that new house of his. Ryan intros the judges and says that a bunch of whiny, pissy little Fox viewers called last night and complained that Simon was too harsh on the contestants.
Huh???
Let’s for the moment try and put together a composite sketch of the sort of person who might take the time to call a network and complain about an Idol judge’s criticism.
Virgin
Lives with his mother
Backne
Possibly born with one testicle
mid 30s to late 40s
No friends
Growing up, had a poster of Tony Randall on his bedroom wall
Aspires to be more like his hero, Ryan Seacrest, but still shops at Chess King.
To make matters worse, Simon actually says he was wrong about Katharine and wants to apologize. But Simon, here’s the thing- YOU WEREN’T. Of all the things he ought to be apologizing for, like calling Taylor drunk or his six week long continual diss of Elliott or any sweater that shows off his high beams and THIS is what he fesses up to? If you’re going to recant what you said, then how do you expect to be taken seriously? Here’s my theory- Pickler is quickly tanking, which they weren’t expecting to happen last night, and now Katharine has to be the pimped female of the bunch, so Simon was probably ordered to say what he said.
This means two things- 1) Katharine is not going home tonight. 2) She’s going to be even more egotistical than ever.
Ryan then tries to get into some banter with the judges and Simon brings up the feud between him and Paula and since that wasn’t on the cue card, Seacrest is at a loss and sputters a couple lame ad-libs until Randy swoops in on a heavy duty vine and begs to get on with the show. We see clips from last night and watching back, I’m also convinced that Bocelli has a hygiene problem. Like being a native Italian couldn’t tell you that off the bat, I think it probably goes beyond that, like water hitting him in the dark freaks him out and he probably just takes a wash cloth to the dainty parts every now and then. I bet Foster would spill the beans if you got him drunk enough. We see McPhee sing again and after that stomp-vamp ridiculousness, I still think the judges should stand by their original assessment.
The pimp-o-mercial features “Call Me,” sung by the Doodletown Pipers and a dog that was more photogenic than all the Idols combined. I’m sure when Kellie looked in the box of newborn puppies, it made her misty for her own son back home. In any case, I still wouldn’t buy a Ford.
Ryan introduces Andrea Bocelli and David Foster and the audience rises as though they have any idea who these two are. Ryan asks Bocelli how it was working with the Idols and Andrea may possibly have a hearing problem, as well, as there’s about a ten second delay between Ryan’s question and his answer. Maybe someone is feeding him lines in Italian, probably telling him jokes about Kellie and how short Ryan is. Bocelli will be singing something called “Because We Believe,” which sounds like a reject title for one of the American Idol singles. I’ve heard Bocelli sing in English and it’s not pretty. Rather it sounds like Annie Sullivan is on the sidelines, finger spelling the lyrics into his palm and hoping he makes the connection. Bocelli is singing about closing our eyes and I wish he’d take his own advice. I mean, yes, the man certainly has a beautiful voice and amazing gift, but since I don’t wear adult diapers and watch re-runs of Matlock, this really isn’t my kind of muzak. I’m bored. As bored as I was last week during Rod Stewart’s song, and during Kenny Rogers’ song and Barry Manilow’s song and Stevie Wonder’s song. (I was merely aghast at Shakira’s song, since there was so much to snark on that I was anything but bored.) AARP ought to consider advertising during the results show. Bocelli finishes and the Idols rush the stage. Of course, Pickler is front and center, as usual, slack jawed and hoggy.
Back from the break and Lisa Tucker is in the audience. Since she’s not performing tonight, there’s no reason to take a hot comb to that mess of curls. Ryan pimps her appearance on tomorrow night’s episode of the OC and here’s a riddle- Which is more irrelevant? Lisa Tucker making an appearance on The OC or The OC itself?
Ryan is breaking the contestants into three groups of two. Katharine and Chris on the far side, Taylor and Elliott in the middle and Paris and Pickler on the near side. Seacrest says one group contains the top two, one group contains the bottom two and the last group is somewhere in the middle. (Somewhere? How about right in between, you dumb fuck?) Ryan sends Taylor and Elliott back to the couches, they are safe. I can’t tell you how happy I am to have been wrong about Elliott going tonight. I’m not the least bit bugged for not guessing right. Elliott hugs Paris and Taylor hugs Kellie, then sneaks back off to the couch to dip into his stash of panic M&Ms, which will tide him over until the buffet backstage and then the send off dinner. Plus, he’s got Dominos on speed dial, just in case.
Back from the break and Ryan says that Katharine and Chris received the highest number of votes last night. Katharine does her little superiority dance. All she needs is a bun and some smart shoes and she could rival The Church Lady. This is why Simon needn’t have apologized. The judges comments polarized the audience to pity vote for Kat. Taylor doesn’t look pleased to not be in the group with the highest votes and he tears into the side of a roast suckling pig. So that leaves Paris and Kellie. Ryan asks Kellie if this is the first time she’s been in the bottom three and Kellie says yes. Ryan asks Paris how many times this makes for her, since she practically has tape marks onstage with her name on them and she says, it’s my first time- being in the bottom two. Don’t be so sure, sister. Kellie says, unmiked (after how many weeks, the sound crew finally figured out to shut off her mic when she babbles???) that she was pretty sure she was in the bottom after last night’s performance.
Folks, it’s another 6th place controversial elimination. Kellie Pickler is going home.
YEAH!!!!!!!
The remaining Pointer Sisters wail, gnash and give it up to Jebus in the audience that their precious Princess Piss is safe. And this means that if Elliott knocks it out of the park again next week, he might actually make the final four.
We see Kellie’s journey that consists more of malapropisms than actual performances. Katharine wipes away a tear, or is it a sneer. Paris fakes wiping away a tear and Elliott is choked up, because as I just did, he realizes he has a shot at the Top Four. Ryan cues Kellie to thank her fans and that unleashes a torrent. Maybe she’ll talk long enough that we’ll be spared her song. And that’s exactly what happened. Thank you, Tivo.
Well, let this be a lesson to you, American Idol. You can shove someone down our throats and manipulate us into voting for them for only so long, but if they haven’t at least got some of the goods, they aren’t going to last. Kellie, I won’t miss you. I won’t even miss bashing you. I never for a moment liked you or bought your schtick and I still grieve for all the more talented people who could have had your spot and would have benefited from it more greatly. Now please go fade back into obscurity where you belong. Until next week…
Seagulls out.
posted by kieran at 10:59 PM
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