The Circle of Life Bites Lisa Tucker in the Ass. AI Re-cap 3/29

Before I start tonight, I have a question. How the fuck did Bones get renewed for a second season? Emily Deschanel is the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. She’s television’s answer to Shakira- no talent and a voice that makes you want to stick a pencil in your eardrum. And speaking of Shakira… (Man, what a segue. Am I smooth or what?) Yeah, Charo’s back-alley abortion will be performing on tonight’s Idol. I see it as penance for all the mean things we’ve been saying about Kellie Pickler. But thanks to the TIVO remote, I can sin all I want with no consequences. And I plan to sin a whole lot tonight.

Ryan is in the back of the house again, doing his thang. He says last night, the contestants faced the wrath of the judges, as though it wasn’t completely and totally warranted. I think they got off easy. Hell, if I’d been judging last night, I’d have pulled out a pistol and shot at least half of them. How’s that for a ‘How I Got my Scar’ story, Acey? Paris got rid of the horse tail and now has a hair-do reminiscent of the sleestacks from “Land of the Lost.” Michele Lee, I mean Justin Guarini, is in the audience. Hey, we ought to get him and Pickler together and they could do a Knots Landing reunion, since she looks like Joan Van Ark’s brain damaged cousin. Ryan tells the audience they know the way this goes down. Our Ryan, such a soul brother. Tell us Superfly, howsit go down? He intros the judges and Simon has the creepiest guy sitting right behind him, a Nazi extra from Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Where do they get these audience members?

We get to see a busy week in the life of an Idol wannabe, but really this segment is to pimp the new Fox film Ice Age 2- The Meltdown. Hey, bring your asses to my house if you want to see a meltdown if anyone but Lisa Tucker goes home tonight. I can’t handle another week of her bullshit. The Idols are treated to an advanced screening (of the film, not me.) Back in Long Island, Kevin Covais is heaving a sigh of relief, realizing his absence keeps him from being compared to yet another cartoon character. On their way out of the screening, the contestants weigh in on their favorite animals in the film. Paris takes the pacifier out of her mouth long enough to burble “Manny was cool.” Hit her. For the love of God, someone hit her!! You, Pickler, I promise to lay off your country ass for two full weeks if you just haul off and slug her in the chops.

Then the crew are onto a photo shoot and Lisa’s weave is getting crimped, Bucky has on way too much blush and Ace is in his element, mouth closed, cameras snapping. Underneath his long sleeve tee, each one of his abs are smiling contentedly. But there’s trouble a brewin’. One of this happy family will be banished to the kiddie table with Covais and Ayla Brown. But first, we have to eat our vegetables in the form of a performance from Shakira.

Back from the break and the LAMEST Ford Idol commercial yet. Elliott, I love you to death, but every week you get more and more ghetto. Do not go Scott Savol on me because I will turn on your ass so fast and it will not be pretty. Oh, look, Taylor Hicks and his newly acquired beer belly are freak dancing with Dr. Joyce Brothers’ lesbian lover. Drunk Dad, meet middle school gym coach.

Ryan introduces Shakira and her pimp singing a song called “Hips Don’t Lie.” I think Shakira is the perfect person to have on the show this week because no one represents the complete mess that is 21st century pop music better than Loopy Velez and her belly dancing. Is it any wonder last night’s show was such an unmitigated disaster when this is what you have to choose from? That’s some costume on her. Is she gonna go through the audience with a trick or treat bag collecting mini Snickers bars and candy corn? You wanna talk about a shaky vibrato? When she’s not singing, Shakira rents herself out to motels. Throw a couple quarters in her ears, lie down on her and for 10 minutes, it’s like magic fingers on your back.

I could never be a contestant on Idol because I would have a real hard time being made to stand and clap along for something like this. I even hate when I’m at a concert and the band or singer exhort you into clapping along, or worse, singing along. Hey, I paid $80 to see you sing and clap, not me. Do your fucking job. I’m always the sour puss sitting with arms folded, scowl on my face. And that’s how I’d be on the couch, rolling my eyes, lip curled into a sneer, shooting covert birds at the bimbo on the stage (I’m talking about Shakira, not Kellie, just to clear that up). Wyclef Jean looks like he hasn’t showered since they canceled “A Different World.” Shakira says her hips don’t lie, but they must have told a few dozen whoppers to get where she is today, because it wasn’t talent that got her there. Now she’s got a line of Salma Hayek clones to come out behind her and do the Colombian version of Riverdance. Paris is frantically trying to remember which moves she can crib for a future performance. Wyclef Jean has taken his hat off and now that I see his hair, I’m going to amend my previous comment to- hasn’t showered since they canceled “Room 222.” He’s run onto the catwalk behind Paula and Simon looks about as pained as I am. Paula’s so into it because she’d fuck Wyclef. Hell, she’d fuck Wyclef’s hand mike. Then he touches some people in the audience and they cut away from the crowd long enough for the lot of them to head up the aisle to go scrub their hands. Is it me, or is this song longer than “Stairway to Heaven.” $10 says next week Pickler’s gonna ask, “What’s a ra-ras-rastafarian?” Finally it’s over and Wyclef and Shakira are headed back to the green room to have some nasty butt sex. Please, PLEASE bring on the re-cap of last night so I can cleanse the palate.

Nothing new to report in the re-caps, but is there ever? We’re on to elimination time and Shakira’s song was so long that they don’t dally. The entire bottom row of Mandisa, Chris, Kellie, Taylor and Paris is safe. Lovely. I have Pickler to kick around for another week, as well as Butterfly McQueen. Mandisa is looking foxy tonight. When she puts on the right outfit and hairstyle, she can be near-stunning. Chris is in a long sleeve t-shirt tonight, for a change. Do he and Ace just swap with each other every week? Hey, Chris, even Ed Kowalcyzk is known to wear a sweater now and then. The entire house erupts when it is announced that they are all safe and everyone claps except for Katharine McPhee, who as we may remember from last night, doesn’t trust any of them, so why should she applaud?

Ryan tells America if they want to see the bottom three, look no further than the top row. We pan their faces and Elliott looks sweetly nervous. Lisa already knows she’s going home. Ace’s right eye (but not his left one) is tearing up. McPhee has her good ol’ “smelled a fart” look on and Bucky is blocked entirely in the shade of his cowboy hat so he could be eating a chimichanga for all we know.

Back from the break and Ryan reminds us that the five in the bottom row are safe, which elicits more applause, except now Ace and Bucky have joined Katharine in her one woman protest and are sitting on their hands along with her. We start with Elliott, who playfully puts his fingers in his ears, but he’s safe. Lisa is next and she must have been practicing that look of resigned acceptance all day long because it hasn’t moved from her face. She is in the bottom three. She goes to hug Ryan on her way to the center stage and he pretty much rebuffs her, not wanting the stink of loser on him. However, he’s not so particular when Ace’s name is the next called into the bottom three. He holds out his hand for a manly soul shake and shoulder bump. The last spot is down to Katharine and Bucky. We see a two shot of them with Taylor’s fat head in the bottom of the screen wearing so much make-up, he’s practically glowing. I’m trying to concentrate on who goes next, but thanks to Taylor all I can think about is I have to set the Tivo to record “Liza With a Z,” on Saturday.

It’s Katharine in the bottom three this week, which is a surprise. Not because she didn’t blow cottage cheese chunks all over the stage last night, but I thought she had a bigger fan base than that. The other Idolers are stunned, as are Randy and Paula. Katharine puts on a fake smile, while in the audience, dragon lady momma McPhee, who is dressed like she’s going to an Annie Hall consciousness raising party, is booing her lungs out. I wonder if when she boos, she does runs? Like instead of just going booooooo, it’s all BOO-ew-OOH-uuu-OOHWEOOH-OOO. Ryan’s gonna make us watch more commercials before we find out who is safe and who is Lisa.

Ryan decides Ace will be the first to take his place back on the couch and Katharine’s fake smile has had all it can handle for this session. It heads back to the green room to go watch Shakira and Wyclef Jean smoke their post coital cigarettes. Ace bows to the audience, hugs Lisa but barely touches Katharine’s shoulders, which I’m puzzled as how to interpret. Either Ryan blurted out who was leaving while they were in bed last night and Ace knew Kat was safe or Ace and Kat aren’t getting along and he could care less if her ass was packed back off to Sherman Oaks. Cut to a three shot of Mandisa, Chris and Kellie, none of whom look all that thrilled to see Ace headed back to the couch. In fact, Mandisa looks more annoyed than she did last night when Paula and Ryan deified her.

Katharine is in full fart-smelling scowl now and Ryan asks Simon why he thinks she is standing there. I have never seen a contestant get de-pimped so fast as Simon’s complete dismissal of Katharine. He tells her he watched the performance back last night on the monitor and it wasn’t nearly as good as he’d first thought. Ryan asks if he thinks Katharine deserves to be there after one bad week, since Simon has pretty much praised her highly for the past month and Simon says that any of the contestants could be standing there, they were all that bad, but that he thinks the reason she’s there is that she didn’t warrant the votes and he has no problem with the bottom three being there at all.
Now that, my friends, is a jaw dropper. I’m not a McFart fan and even I felt the slap in the face. McPhee’s expression is one of barely controlled rage. Instead of just getting to it, Ryan then asks Paula what she thinks. He must have surprised her in the middle of reading which pills can be taken with alcohol, because all Abdul can come up with is- America votes and you have to vote for..the one you…like. Keep dialing for…the two hours. Folks, this woman just signed another three-year contract with the show. Katharine looks like, if let loose, she’d jump down and strangle them all. I want Randy’s job. We can put Debbie Gibson in for Paula and how about Triumph the Comic Insult Dog to take over for Simon? Randy tells the contestants that they have to pick better songs. How about if I just leave my appendix in a jar of formaldehyde and let that take over for Randy?

Well, it’s Lisa going home and she’s smiling and has a great attitude about it. One thing we can say about all the Idols in the Top 12 thus far; when their number is up, they take it in stride and with class. Paris is bawling her eyes out and reaching into her sleestack bun for a Kleenex. I don’t know why she’s crying; now she has the school room all to herself. Ryan calls Lisa one of the bravest contestants they’ve ever had on Idol and I’m not sure what prompted that comment. It’s not like her daddy’s in prison or anything.

We see Lisa’s obligatory journey, beginning with her audition and the one and only time we ever heard her sing on key for a whole number. Well, if nothing else, American Idol can claim one musical success for Season Five. Thanks to them, “Bad Day,” by Daniel Powter is the #2 single in the country, something my good pal Jamey and I will need to find a way to take revenge on them for at some point. Lisa is a sweetheart and I never had anything against her, personally, she just can’t sing and it was time for her to go.

I will be bringing you a re-cap of American Idol Extra tomorrow night. In the meantime, let me just say the first batch of “How Ace Really Got His Scar” stories have been rolling in and they are damn funny. You still have time to send yours in, so please do.

Seagulls Out.