It's Hard Out Here For a Shrimp. AI Re-cap 3/22
Ryan is in the back of the house again tonight. I don’t know what’s so alluring about this area that he feels the need to stand in it all the time. Is he trying to show he’s just an average person like anyone else in the audience? I’m not buying it. No man pumices as much as you do, Ry-Ry.
Seacrest tells us to get a look at our Top 10, which means one of them is going home. We pan the Idolettes and everyone has a fake smile plastered on their faces, except Pickler, who’s just slack jawed, Chris, who has a self-satisfied smirk and Katharine who still can’t figure out why the show hasn’t been re-titled “The Katharine McPhee Variety Hour.”
Ryan walks onstage and says the “gig” is up for one of our contestants. The gig? I thought it was the jig is up? Have we gotten that politically correct that Seacrest has to say it incorrectly for fear of offending a minority group?
The favorite new game is to look at the placement of each Idol on the couch and try and figure out who’s going based on where they sit. We’ve got six up top and five on the bottom. Above, in order, are Ace, Mandisa, Elliott, Kellie, Chris and Paris. Below, in order, are Katharine, Kevin, Lisa, Bucky and Taylor. I would imagine that one from the top row is in the bottom three and two from the bottom row. Taylor is probably safe, so if they group him with Bucky, Bucky is in the bottom, if they group Lisa with Kevin, she’ll be in the bottom, Kat will be safe, Ace is safe, Mandisa, safe, which leaves Elliott and Kellie in the vulnerable spots. Of those two, unfortunately, it may be Elliott in the bottom three. Enough armchair quarterbacking, let’s find out!!
Oh, right, we still have 27 minutes of yak yak and Manilow, Paula imbibing, Randy yo yo-ing, Simon sneering and let’s not forget those eight or nine glimpses back at 24 hours ago. I’m getting a candy bar.
Okay, I settled for a turkey sandwich. If you guessed 35 million votes were registered last night then you won the crock pot. The camera scans the audience and an old lady in a Mrs. Roper muu-muu is holding up a Pick Pickler sign. Shouldn’t she be rooting for Kevin? Simon needs to go set her straight! Paula and Simon are speaking again. Well, Simon is speaking, Paula is holding up an invisible butterfly net, hoping to trap some words she can string together to form a coherent sentence.
Two minutes in and we’re already having our first flashback to last night and clips of all the performances. We get a Seacrest re-cap of yea for Kelly and Chris, nay for Taylor and Bucky, nay for Lisa, yay for Kevin, Mandisa, Katharine, Paris and Ace and just a clip of Elliott singing with no comment at all. I’m superstitious so I take that as a bad omen. The judges all clearly thought Elliott did a great job last night, so why no re-cap of their comments? I know, I need to just fast forward and satisfy my curiosity right now, but I won’t. Then I would miss the really bad commercial coming up…after the break.
We got the beat, but who the hell is singing the song? It sounds like a bunch of 45 year olds pretending to be the Brady Kids. The commercial was cute. Ryan says the show (actually, the word he uses is “we”) transformed that kid’s life, meaning Kevin. Kevin’s smile turns into a sneer. He hates Ryan and I hope that after he gets voted off, he’ll go public with every scintilla of dirt he has on Seacrest, cause you know there are some mauve colored skeletons in that one’s closet.
Ryan threatens us with a trip to the finals of Idol and then, could it be the magic that is…Barry Manilow? It could. The audience goes apeshit over Barry and Ryan isn’t having it because Barry appears to fill his suit out much better than Ryan does. Ryan tries to talk over the applause, but the crowd isn’t done and Barry’s like, don’t shit on my spot, kid. Wait your turn. I earned my star, my mommy didn’t have to buy it for me.
Ryan makes a big deal over the fact that after Barry worked with the kids in Vegas, he flew out to LA on his own dime to make sure the band sounded okay on Monday morning. He mentions it twice, then actually asks Barry if he paid for the trip, himself. Barry’s all- it doesn’t matter, who cares? But Ryan won’t leave it alone. Expect Dick Clark to get a call from Barry tonight- Dick! This is the pisher you chose for your replacement? He won’t shut up about money. What did you have, a stroke or something?
While Seacrest is looking for the store receipt for his tie, Barry is going to sing “Love is a Many Splendored Thing.” I didn’t know there were lyrics to that song, beyond what you hear in the first few minutes of “Grease.” But hey, at least I’ve heard of “Walkin’ After Midnight.” Is it me, or is the band doing a weird beat that doesn’t match the tempo of the song or how Barry is singing at all? It’s like someone’s running a washing machine over the song. Maybe the band is pissed at Barry because he was checking up on them and decided to exact some revenge.
I am sooooo happy I didn’t fast forward through this song because in the middle of the audience (on the extreme side, of course) is Bobby Bennett, a lone man standing for his hero, like Glenn Close in “The Natural”, only fat, creepy and gay. Bobby is swaying to the music, mouthing every word. It’s too bad he couldn’t round up Jm J. Bullock, Rip Taylor, Sean Hayes and the ghost of Peter Allen to come with him. They could have painted B-A-R-R-Y on their bare bellies and done the wave everytime the camera passed them.
The Idolers are trying to enjoy the performance, but they’re too nervous about the impending results and, well, it’s Barry Manilow, so the most they can muster are pained smiles. All except Katharine, who’s pointing and laughing at Bobby Bennett. After the song, Kat pulls Bobby up onstage and Ryan introduces him to Barry, who recognizes him. Bobby grabs Barry in a hug and Barry’s like, wow, this kid’s almost as crazy as Taylor. No more Mr. Nice Guy after the break….
On with the results now. We had a couple extra commercials so security could drag Bobby Bennett out of the auditorium. He was singing, “Love is a Many Splendored Thing,” at the top of his lungs. Ryan goes to Ace first and he is….not in the bottom three. Oh, we’re gonna do it that way again. Swell. Mandisa is safe. Ryan gets to Elliott and you can tell he just doesn’t like him because he always falters before he tells him his status, like he wants to send him into diabetic shock. Elliott is safe, thank god. I realized while Manilow was singing that if Elliott had gone home, my phone would have rung several times.
Schtickler is next and Ryan says in his re-cap that Simon called her “ballsy and sexy.” Kellie, as if on cue, says, “What’s a ballsy?” Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. Anyone who wants to try and claim the hick act is genuine after that needs to have their head examined. Kellie is safe. Ick, Pickler.
Chris, Paris and Katharine are safe, so my bottom three prediction of a couple days ago holds, cause I can’t believe Taylor is in there, even though he oughta be. Well, I wasted all that time trying to analyze the seating chart and they went and changed it up on me. This is what you get when you hang out with a bunch of Idol conspiracy freaks. And Taylor is safe, so it’s Bucky, Kevin and Lisa in the bottom three. I’m still predicting it’s Lisa, but after the break…we’ll find out.
Seacrest reminds everyone of what the bottom three sang and the reactions, then he flubs his lines so horribly, that it almost turns into a Jack Palance announcing Marisa Tomei as the winner of Best Supporting Actress at the Oscars moment. He tells Lisa she is in the bottom…three. Yeah, dickhead, she’s not standing up there waiting for a moxie delivery. “But you are not the, in, the..to-bottom two. You are safe.” Oh well, forget about me buying a ticket to Idols Live. Ugh, I can’t believe we’re gonna get stuck with another wobbly, out of tune Lisa performance. Maybe she’ll be in the bottom three every week until she wins the damn thing.
Paula gives the two remaining contestants some decent words of advice and I want the camera to pan down under her seat, because someone has got to have their hand shoved up her ass, working her controls. She’s never said so many words coherently in a row, ever! Bucky is safe, Kevin is going home. No tour for the Covais.
Immediately, Ryan screams out “Oh no, Chicken Little is leaving us.” This guy hasn’t got a drop of class. You know Kevin hates that, even Paris has cut that shit out, but Ryan just can’t let it go. I really wish Ace would just let Ryan watch him take a shower already so he could quit being such a bitch.
We see the journey of wee Kevin Covais and I’m gonna miss him. TPTB blew it, because Kevin would have been a draw on tour. Kids love going to that kind of thing and Kevin would have put tiny butts in the seats. No one is gonna turn out for Lisa Tucker. Hell, I have to look up her last name every time I need to type it.
Kevin takes the stage to sing “When I Fall in Love” one more time and he sounds waves better than he did last night, and last night wasn’t too bad. Of course, he gets cut off in the middle, but I hope the producers saw enough to make them realize what dopes they are.
Kevster, I salute you.
Seacrest tells us to get a look at our Top 10, which means one of them is going home. We pan the Idolettes and everyone has a fake smile plastered on their faces, except Pickler, who’s just slack jawed, Chris, who has a self-satisfied smirk and Katharine who still can’t figure out why the show hasn’t been re-titled “The Katharine McPhee Variety Hour.”
Ryan walks onstage and says the “gig” is up for one of our contestants. The gig? I thought it was the jig is up? Have we gotten that politically correct that Seacrest has to say it incorrectly for fear of offending a minority group?
The favorite new game is to look at the placement of each Idol on the couch and try and figure out who’s going based on where they sit. We’ve got six up top and five on the bottom. Above, in order, are Ace, Mandisa, Elliott, Kellie, Chris and Paris. Below, in order, are Katharine, Kevin, Lisa, Bucky and Taylor. I would imagine that one from the top row is in the bottom three and two from the bottom row. Taylor is probably safe, so if they group him with Bucky, Bucky is in the bottom, if they group Lisa with Kevin, she’ll be in the bottom, Kat will be safe, Ace is safe, Mandisa, safe, which leaves Elliott and Kellie in the vulnerable spots. Of those two, unfortunately, it may be Elliott in the bottom three. Enough armchair quarterbacking, let’s find out!!
Oh, right, we still have 27 minutes of yak yak and Manilow, Paula imbibing, Randy yo yo-ing, Simon sneering and let’s not forget those eight or nine glimpses back at 24 hours ago. I’m getting a candy bar.
Okay, I settled for a turkey sandwich. If you guessed 35 million votes were registered last night then you won the crock pot. The camera scans the audience and an old lady in a Mrs. Roper muu-muu is holding up a Pick Pickler sign. Shouldn’t she be rooting for Kevin? Simon needs to go set her straight! Paula and Simon are speaking again. Well, Simon is speaking, Paula is holding up an invisible butterfly net, hoping to trap some words she can string together to form a coherent sentence.
Two minutes in and we’re already having our first flashback to last night and clips of all the performances. We get a Seacrest re-cap of yea for Kelly and Chris, nay for Taylor and Bucky, nay for Lisa, yay for Kevin, Mandisa, Katharine, Paris and Ace and just a clip of Elliott singing with no comment at all. I’m superstitious so I take that as a bad omen. The judges all clearly thought Elliott did a great job last night, so why no re-cap of their comments? I know, I need to just fast forward and satisfy my curiosity right now, but I won’t. Then I would miss the really bad commercial coming up…after the break.
We got the beat, but who the hell is singing the song? It sounds like a bunch of 45 year olds pretending to be the Brady Kids. The commercial was cute. Ryan says the show (actually, the word he uses is “we”) transformed that kid’s life, meaning Kevin. Kevin’s smile turns into a sneer. He hates Ryan and I hope that after he gets voted off, he’ll go public with every scintilla of dirt he has on Seacrest, cause you know there are some mauve colored skeletons in that one’s closet.
Ryan threatens us with a trip to the finals of Idol and then, could it be the magic that is…Barry Manilow? It could. The audience goes apeshit over Barry and Ryan isn’t having it because Barry appears to fill his suit out much better than Ryan does. Ryan tries to talk over the applause, but the crowd isn’t done and Barry’s like, don’t shit on my spot, kid. Wait your turn. I earned my star, my mommy didn’t have to buy it for me.
Ryan makes a big deal over the fact that after Barry worked with the kids in Vegas, he flew out to LA on his own dime to make sure the band sounded okay on Monday morning. He mentions it twice, then actually asks Barry if he paid for the trip, himself. Barry’s all- it doesn’t matter, who cares? But Ryan won’t leave it alone. Expect Dick Clark to get a call from Barry tonight- Dick! This is the pisher you chose for your replacement? He won’t shut up about money. What did you have, a stroke or something?
While Seacrest is looking for the store receipt for his tie, Barry is going to sing “Love is a Many Splendored Thing.” I didn’t know there were lyrics to that song, beyond what you hear in the first few minutes of “Grease.” But hey, at least I’ve heard of “Walkin’ After Midnight.” Is it me, or is the band doing a weird beat that doesn’t match the tempo of the song or how Barry is singing at all? It’s like someone’s running a washing machine over the song. Maybe the band is pissed at Barry because he was checking up on them and decided to exact some revenge.
I am sooooo happy I didn’t fast forward through this song because in the middle of the audience (on the extreme side, of course) is Bobby Bennett, a lone man standing for his hero, like Glenn Close in “The Natural”, only fat, creepy and gay. Bobby is swaying to the music, mouthing every word. It’s too bad he couldn’t round up Jm J. Bullock, Rip Taylor, Sean Hayes and the ghost of Peter Allen to come with him. They could have painted B-A-R-R-Y on their bare bellies and done the wave everytime the camera passed them.
The Idolers are trying to enjoy the performance, but they’re too nervous about the impending results and, well, it’s Barry Manilow, so the most they can muster are pained smiles. All except Katharine, who’s pointing and laughing at Bobby Bennett. After the song, Kat pulls Bobby up onstage and Ryan introduces him to Barry, who recognizes him. Bobby grabs Barry in a hug and Barry’s like, wow, this kid’s almost as crazy as Taylor. No more Mr. Nice Guy after the break….
On with the results now. We had a couple extra commercials so security could drag Bobby Bennett out of the auditorium. He was singing, “Love is a Many Splendored Thing,” at the top of his lungs. Ryan goes to Ace first and he is….not in the bottom three. Oh, we’re gonna do it that way again. Swell. Mandisa is safe. Ryan gets to Elliott and you can tell he just doesn’t like him because he always falters before he tells him his status, like he wants to send him into diabetic shock. Elliott is safe, thank god. I realized while Manilow was singing that if Elliott had gone home, my phone would have rung several times.
Schtickler is next and Ryan says in his re-cap that Simon called her “ballsy and sexy.” Kellie, as if on cue, says, “What’s a ballsy?” Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. Anyone who wants to try and claim the hick act is genuine after that needs to have their head examined. Kellie is safe. Ick, Pickler.
Chris, Paris and Katharine are safe, so my bottom three prediction of a couple days ago holds, cause I can’t believe Taylor is in there, even though he oughta be. Well, I wasted all that time trying to analyze the seating chart and they went and changed it up on me. This is what you get when you hang out with a bunch of Idol conspiracy freaks. And Taylor is safe, so it’s Bucky, Kevin and Lisa in the bottom three. I’m still predicting it’s Lisa, but after the break…we’ll find out.
Seacrest reminds everyone of what the bottom three sang and the reactions, then he flubs his lines so horribly, that it almost turns into a Jack Palance announcing Marisa Tomei as the winner of Best Supporting Actress at the Oscars moment. He tells Lisa she is in the bottom…three. Yeah, dickhead, she’s not standing up there waiting for a moxie delivery. “But you are not the, in, the..to-bottom two. You are safe.” Oh well, forget about me buying a ticket to Idols Live. Ugh, I can’t believe we’re gonna get stuck with another wobbly, out of tune Lisa performance. Maybe she’ll be in the bottom three every week until she wins the damn thing.
Paula gives the two remaining contestants some decent words of advice and I want the camera to pan down under her seat, because someone has got to have their hand shoved up her ass, working her controls. She’s never said so many words coherently in a row, ever! Bucky is safe, Kevin is going home. No tour for the Covais.
Immediately, Ryan screams out “Oh no, Chicken Little is leaving us.” This guy hasn’t got a drop of class. You know Kevin hates that, even Paris has cut that shit out, but Ryan just can’t let it go. I really wish Ace would just let Ryan watch him take a shower already so he could quit being such a bitch.
We see the journey of wee Kevin Covais and I’m gonna miss him. TPTB blew it, because Kevin would have been a draw on tour. Kids love going to that kind of thing and Kevin would have put tiny butts in the seats. No one is gonna turn out for Lisa Tucker. Hell, I have to look up her last name every time I need to type it.
Kevin takes the stage to sing “When I Fall in Love” one more time and he sounds waves better than he did last night, and last night wasn’t too bad. Of course, he gets cut off in the middle, but I hope the producers saw enough to make them realize what dopes they are.
Kevster, I salute you.
posted by kieran at 10:44 PM
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