Ayla Brown's Father Has Left the Building. AI Re-cap 3/7
Welcome to Ladies Night with the final 8 female contestants or what used to be referred to in my house as “Liver & Onions” night. As in- you may not like it, but you’re sitting there until you finish and then you can have your dessert. In this case, dessert would be the guys’ night and I have to wait a whole 24 hours for my two scoops of Elliott and Chris. Yes, folks, I do NOT like the women this year and without Brenna to kick around, what have I got? Oh, shit, what am I talking about, there’s Paris, Katharine and Kellie. Race you to the liver! I mean TV.
Seacrest is in the house and he’s dressed like Shane from The L Word. Ladies night, indeed. Ryan walks down the stairs past the beauty pageant contestants and gives us a recap of the poor unfortunates who left us last week. Now that he’s been deported back to Manila, can we please stop calling Jose “Sway?” It was stupid then, and since we don’t have to cater to his ass anymore, Jose will do just fine. We’re introduced to the ladies and since order was changed up this week, instead of just doing a reverse from the previous week, Paris is in the leadoff spot and Pickler is in the final spot. So McPhee lost her pimping rights for pissing off the judges with her hotel hissy fit. Pardon me for not crying. What do you expect- Paris has favor, y’all.
Judges time. Paula is trying hard to appear lucid and the clock is starting until we “Guess the Drug.” I think she’s going to try hard to stick it out this week to make up for Thursday, but Ms. Abdul is dancing as fast as she can and even judges need a little help from their friends. (Cue the dancing muscle relaxers!)
Ryan flubs a few lines and says we’re going to learn some things about the girls tonight that we never knew before. Wow, you mean that they actually have talent? Cause THAT would be a fun fact. Paris kicks it off and races through her scripted lines. Her nickname is “Princess P”. Until she turns eighteen and gets upgraded to Queen P. And her surprising fact is she’s a tomboy. She loves wrestling and football and playing with her brothers. So wait, how does that work with the wig of the day? 24-63-18 HIKE! “Hang on, y’all, my ‘Cleopatra Jones’ got knocked loose.” Does she play in one of Ace’s beanies or a to-bogg-an?
Paris is singing a Gloria Estefan song, which is going to be doubly painful. I can’t stand Gloria Estefan. As far as I’m concerned, the bus should have rolled over a few more times. Anyhow, Paris is in a scary top and way too baggy jeans. In comparison, Melisaa McPhee is smoking hot upstairs in a belly shirt and some tight ripped up denim. Brandy is in the audience. How would you like to be stuck sitting behind THAT head? Paris is doing okay, at least this time the movements complement the song, unlike Midnight Train to Georgia, where she seemed like she had crabs, but couldn’t scratch. Paris has some trouble keeping up with the rapid pace of the lyrics, and the backup singers leave her in the dirt a few times, and that last note is a tad painful. She does a Brenna Gethers pose at the end of the song. All in all, it was a bland, but inoffensive performance. There was nothing wrong with it and that’s about the best I can say. It’s something one would expect from Kinnik, but without any charm. Let’s go to the judges, shall we? Oh, hang on, Paris isn’t finished basking. She arches her body up and waits for the inevitable praise. I blame mama and grandmamma for this. Paris probably never even shit her diaper without someone telling her it was a Picasso, so she’s conditioned to expect praise no matter what. But judges… whenever Randy repeats the name of a contestant and asks them what’s goin’ down, you know he’s stalling to find a way to break it to them that they didn’t do well. Randy tells Paris she can sing anything, but says he wants to see her challenge herself, so maybe next week she could come out and do a ballad.
Folks, mark this spot because I’m about to stick up for Paris Bennett. Did the judges not sit there last week and tell her emphatically that she cannot choose old lady songs and she needs to do something fun and upbeat that shows her youth? Did they not??? So she does this and Randy turns around and tells her the very opposite this week. Now, I know Simon watches the show back on tape every week, but I think Randy and Paula need to do the same thing, if only to refresh themselves on their own comments so they stop putting their feet in their mouths. Paris, sing what you want to sing and to hell with the judges. Paula tells Paris she likes her up-tempo and was entertained and that Conga is a really hard song to sing, vocally. Maybe for you, Paula, because you have a voice worse than MC Skat Cat. And just when we thought Paris might gain a little humility, however undeserved this week, Simon picks up the pieces and tells her people love her and we will see Paris next week. If you slo-mo your Tivo, you can actually see the ego climb back into Paris’ body. And Ryan gives her a chance to show us all it’s securely back in there as she talks about telling the girls she’s dancing her way into the Top 12. I’m sure the girls were thrilled, dear. No votes from me.
Back from the break and Lisa Tucker is up next. I guess the younger ones have to get to bed earlier, so they go first. Lisa’s fun fact is that she loves Jimi Hendrix and he inspired her to take up electric guitar. She then attempts some very awkward licks on a gold electric that make me think this is the first time she’s ever held the instrument in her life. She’s singing a song by someone named Tiffany Taylor and I have no idea who that is. The only Tiffany Taylor I remember is a doll from the 70s that had two different colors of hair, blonde in the front and black in the back. And her skullcap was loose so you could turn it to make her a blonde or a brunette. And the theme song went “Tiffany Tay-lor. (wolf whistle) Ahhhh, love those ‘70s.
I have to say, the performance was less strained than the previous two weeks. For all the talk about Ayla Brown looking like she’s working hard onstage, I would say Lisa is much more guilty of this. She never looks relaxed, each ridiculous hand movement appears to be over-rehearsed. There is not an ounce of spontaneity in any of her performances, and this is why I can’t warm up to her, even when she has a less sucky week like tonight.
Randy is vamping, so you know he didn’t like it. He tells her the song choice is still too old for her, so I would guess next week she’ll be singing “The Wheels on the Bus,” just to satisfy Randy and his infantilism fetish. Paula and Simon basically repeat comments from previous weeks. Cowell tells her there’s a disconnect because of the song choices and I don’t get why they can’t understand that it doesn’t matter what she sings, she’s a musical theatre performer. When you are a musical theatre performer, and one who has NOT originated a role, you are always directed to perform it exactly the way the original person has done it. Usually it’s the stage manager putting you into a show and not the original director (it depends on the role and the caliber of performer) and they are under strict instructions not to deviate. So you learn to have every movement down to a time, not put anything of yourself into the role and you wind up becoming robotic. And this is how Lisa Tucker comes off and this is why we have trouble connecting to her. Nothing she sings will ever change that, she has to change it. Wake up, judges.
Melissa McGhee is next and she says everyone thinks of her as this girly-girl. May I interject? I think we already heard the most surprising thing about you and that is that you were in beauty pageants. Melissa talks about being into cars and racing the boys. A friend of mine recently asked if I thought there was anything going on between any of the AI contestants this season. And I said that except for Bucky tagging Pickler while on the double-decker bus tour of Hollywood and Ryan throwing stones at Ace’s window every night, that probably Ayla and Melissa have played a little “I Am Curious, Yellow,” after rehearsals.
Melissa is singing a Heart song, which tells you how desperate she realizes this week is for her. She looks as though she was shot in the face with a makeup gun set to “Meredith Viera,” and her vocals are very shaky. Does Melissa have a twin, because they cut to a woman in the audience who looked just like her except with a two pack of Oreo’s a day habit. Melissa is gaining confidence and sounding better now, but just as she gets going, the song is over. She needs to wash that face off. Randy and Paula liked it and Simon tells her that her last note booked her plane ticket home. Thanks, Simon, you’ve just inspired me to pick up the phone and vote for Melissa. And I’ll keep voting till I hear someone else I like.
We’re back from the break and Ryan is surrounded by TPTB’s three choices for pimping out, Paris, Katharine and Kellie. He’s interviewing Katharine, even though Kinnik is next. What does that tell you? Katharine still looks like she smelled a fart at the opera, even though she’s getting extra screen time. Ryan asks her about the rumors that she’s leaving AI and that she’s pregnant and she realizes she’s getting mucho extra screen time, so she laughs and dispels the rumors. I’m sad. I was hoping for a hysterical pregnancy and a long stay at a sanitarium. Kellie Pickler is in the corner thinking- I’ll get pregnant again if it will give me more screen time. I better call daddy and see if I can get a conjugal.
After all this blather, we get to Kinnik almost as an afterthought. Kinnik loves chitlins…. Yeah, I got nothing. Kinnik starts singing and within a few notes, I realize she’s doing an Alicia Keys song and my heart sinks. Kinnik, you should never pick a song made famous by a vocalist like ________ (insert name of singer who does runs up the wazoo) because you’ll always be compared to her unfavorably. Oh my god, the judges have brainwashed me. I NEED A DEPROGRAMMER!! That being said, Kinnik is not knocking it out of the park and I may just keep voting for Melissa and let Kinnik go, cause she’s not got a lot of chance, anyway. Randy says the exact opposite of what actually happened, claiming the song started out great and got sharp and stayed sharp. Paula agrees and Simon tells her she can go home, too. There is not a lot of energy behind these critiques and no one mentions song choice. I think I will vote for Kinnik because Simon was so mean to her. I doubt it will do any good, but at least I’ve done my part, if only to keep her chitlin free for one more week.
Katharine is next and it will be a pleasure to vote for Kinnik all through her gas. She went to the Boston Conservatory and doesn’t she look proud of it. Get off the high horse, honey, Constantine went there. Kat is singing “Think” by Aretha Franklin. If I’m being honest, it reminded me of a slice of wonder bread that you threw some Tabasco on. It may have a kick, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to taste good. There, I can do Simon Cowell. Can I have his job? Seriously, now I look like I smelled a fart at the opera. This is just awful. The singing is on pitch, more or less, but darling, we’re not supposed to be able to understand every word you’re saying. It’s ‘60s R&B, not a recital at Miss Haversham’s Finishing School for ladies and the good girl has decided before she runs off with bad boy Johnny, she’s going to show those stuffed shirts all about soul. Even the back-up singers are like- Phony white bitch, sit your honky ass down. So embarrassing. And she thinks she did well. I’m still voting for Kinnik. God, Randy is such a moron. We do not have a hot one, tonight, dawg pound. McPhever? McPhlatulence. The judges pimp her big time and I realize McPhee is going to have to do more than throw a hissy fit at the hotel to get TPTB to turn on her. Face it, she’s here for the long haul. Well, at least I’ll have her to kick in the face until she convinces me she doesn’t suck.
Ayla Brown is up and she tells us a story about how she thought her father was the real Elvis Presley until she was about eight. Is that her subtle way of telling us her dad did tons of drugs and used to pass out on the toilet eating an entire cheesecake? Ayla is singing “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield and that is a bold choice for her. It takes a while for her car to go from 0 to 60, but when she gets there, it’s pretty good. I applaud the risk, but it’s not her strong suit. That being said, she seemed looser and that she was having fun with it and all around, it was a good performance. Ayla is wearing a pair of cargo pants she borrowed from Ryan and they only come down to her knees. Randy is working my nerves tonight. He didn’t like the performance. Paula strains to say something nice and asks Ayla how tall she is in her shoes. Paula just wants to make sure she’s not hallucinating that Ayla is 15 feet tall. Simon actually says Ayla was pretty good. Ayla looks ticked off at the judges and I don’t blame her. Ayla, you run circles around McPhlatulence. I like her and I am voting.
Mandisa tells us that her big secret is that she sucked her thumb until she was 24 and that God is good, because her teeth ought to be protruding out of the television screen. That’s it, she can stand there mute and I’m voting for her. I love her. Girlfriend blows well on “I’m Every Woman,” and I see Simon could have a field day with that joke opportunity. The backup singers drown Mandisa out for half the song so she has to resort to runs in order to be heard in the mix. She does a very good job, but I want to have an Elliott moment with her and I haven’t had that since she sang Heart the first week. That being said, she’s still the best female singer in the competition. I think if the mix would have favored her more, I might have liked it better. I wish I could see it live. The judges lurve her to pieces. Randy says it’s the best female vocal of the season and Simon says all the other girls should be jealous. We cut to a shot of the upstairs lounge and Ayla, Lisa and Melissa clap weakly. Katharine can’t even be bothered to get up from the couch to go watch. God, I want to pummel her. Anyway, look at me giving her more time on here when I need to be focusing on Mandisa. Talk about star qualities. Everyone needs to be voting for her.
Pickler is bringing up the rear and I can’t wait to hear what stories she has tonight.
“Well, Ryan, I found this thing in Katharine’s drawer and when you turn it on, it sort of vibrates, and it’s shaped like a you-know-what, and, well, I just stuck it in my Ovaltine so I wouldn’t have to dirty a spoon. I never had no Ovaltine, before. That’s milk with this powdery stuff that turns it into chok’lit. Wow, huh?”
Kellie is singing Melissa Etheridge, because god knows it sure worked for Patrick Hall. She’s trying to bump her way through the beginning, but it just looks like she has gas and she stops when she bumps so hard, it interrupts the vocal. Taylor makes those tics look easy. This song is well out of her range until she gets into her higher register and then she doesn’t sound quite so bad. Vocally, the second half of the song is her best performance thus far and that’s damning with faint praise, but it puts her above Katharine and Paris this week. Get ready for a tongue bath, Kellie. Judges? Randy dawg pounded her, Paula says every guy is in love with her and I have to say if this was the very first week I ever saw her, I would be on the fence, which is a big step up for me and the Ick. Simon calls her a naughty little minx, which is almost, but not quite as gross as his Amanda Avila microphone remark of last season. Kellie doesn’t know what a minx is, so expect next week’s video to be telling us all about how she tried some minx, but didn’t like the taste.
Wow, Simon says Kellie is not the best singer, but he likes her, he really, really likes her. In fact, he kind of prefers her to last year’s winner, who by this time, even he can’t remember the name of. Apparently Carrie must have snubbed him at last week’s broadcast. Simon is much too mercurial to run a successful management company. You don’t dis your own artists, you idiot. As much as I’m not a Carrie Underwood fan, she is miles above Kellie as a singer. Unless Jay Leno is looking to bring back Carol Wayne for the Tonight Show in the guise of Kellie Pickler, this gal doesn’t have much of a future.
Ryan takes us home with Kellie and she calls herself a mink. Well, I’m sure Cowell would love to wear you like a coat, but it’s “minx.” Ryan asks what she had for lunch this week and Kellie has tried a new and exotic kind of fish. A Sal-mon. Okay, I’ve had enough. My rankings from 1-8 in yet another dull girls show…
1- Mandisa
2- Melissa
3- Ayla
4- Kellie
5- Kinnik
6- Lisa
7- Paris
8- Katharine
Who should go: Paris and Katharine (as if)
Who will go: Kinnik and Melissa, with Ayla as a dark horse.
Join me tomorrow when we get to listen to some good singers. And Bucky. Seagulls out.
Seacrest is in the house and he’s dressed like Shane from The L Word. Ladies night, indeed. Ryan walks down the stairs past the beauty pageant contestants and gives us a recap of the poor unfortunates who left us last week. Now that he’s been deported back to Manila, can we please stop calling Jose “Sway?” It was stupid then, and since we don’t have to cater to his ass anymore, Jose will do just fine. We’re introduced to the ladies and since order was changed up this week, instead of just doing a reverse from the previous week, Paris is in the leadoff spot and Pickler is in the final spot. So McPhee lost her pimping rights for pissing off the judges with her hotel hissy fit. Pardon me for not crying. What do you expect- Paris has favor, y’all.
Judges time. Paula is trying hard to appear lucid and the clock is starting until we “Guess the Drug.” I think she’s going to try hard to stick it out this week to make up for Thursday, but Ms. Abdul is dancing as fast as she can and even judges need a little help from their friends. (Cue the dancing muscle relaxers!)
Ryan flubs a few lines and says we’re going to learn some things about the girls tonight that we never knew before. Wow, you mean that they actually have talent? Cause THAT would be a fun fact. Paris kicks it off and races through her scripted lines. Her nickname is “Princess P”. Until she turns eighteen and gets upgraded to Queen P. And her surprising fact is she’s a tomboy. She loves wrestling and football and playing with her brothers. So wait, how does that work with the wig of the day? 24-63-18 HIKE! “Hang on, y’all, my ‘Cleopatra Jones’ got knocked loose.” Does she play in one of Ace’s beanies or a to-bogg-an?
Paris is singing a Gloria Estefan song, which is going to be doubly painful. I can’t stand Gloria Estefan. As far as I’m concerned, the bus should have rolled over a few more times. Anyhow, Paris is in a scary top and way too baggy jeans. In comparison, Melisaa McPhee is smoking hot upstairs in a belly shirt and some tight ripped up denim. Brandy is in the audience. How would you like to be stuck sitting behind THAT head? Paris is doing okay, at least this time the movements complement the song, unlike Midnight Train to Georgia, where she seemed like she had crabs, but couldn’t scratch. Paris has some trouble keeping up with the rapid pace of the lyrics, and the backup singers leave her in the dirt a few times, and that last note is a tad painful. She does a Brenna Gethers pose at the end of the song. All in all, it was a bland, but inoffensive performance. There was nothing wrong with it and that’s about the best I can say. It’s something one would expect from Kinnik, but without any charm. Let’s go to the judges, shall we? Oh, hang on, Paris isn’t finished basking. She arches her body up and waits for the inevitable praise. I blame mama and grandmamma for this. Paris probably never even shit her diaper without someone telling her it was a Picasso, so she’s conditioned to expect praise no matter what. But judges… whenever Randy repeats the name of a contestant and asks them what’s goin’ down, you know he’s stalling to find a way to break it to them that they didn’t do well. Randy tells Paris she can sing anything, but says he wants to see her challenge herself, so maybe next week she could come out and do a ballad.
Folks, mark this spot because I’m about to stick up for Paris Bennett. Did the judges not sit there last week and tell her emphatically that she cannot choose old lady songs and she needs to do something fun and upbeat that shows her youth? Did they not??? So she does this and Randy turns around and tells her the very opposite this week. Now, I know Simon watches the show back on tape every week, but I think Randy and Paula need to do the same thing, if only to refresh themselves on their own comments so they stop putting their feet in their mouths. Paris, sing what you want to sing and to hell with the judges. Paula tells Paris she likes her up-tempo and was entertained and that Conga is a really hard song to sing, vocally. Maybe for you, Paula, because you have a voice worse than MC Skat Cat. And just when we thought Paris might gain a little humility, however undeserved this week, Simon picks up the pieces and tells her people love her and we will see Paris next week. If you slo-mo your Tivo, you can actually see the ego climb back into Paris’ body. And Ryan gives her a chance to show us all it’s securely back in there as she talks about telling the girls she’s dancing her way into the Top 12. I’m sure the girls were thrilled, dear. No votes from me.
Back from the break and Lisa Tucker is up next. I guess the younger ones have to get to bed earlier, so they go first. Lisa’s fun fact is that she loves Jimi Hendrix and he inspired her to take up electric guitar. She then attempts some very awkward licks on a gold electric that make me think this is the first time she’s ever held the instrument in her life. She’s singing a song by someone named Tiffany Taylor and I have no idea who that is. The only Tiffany Taylor I remember is a doll from the 70s that had two different colors of hair, blonde in the front and black in the back. And her skullcap was loose so you could turn it to make her a blonde or a brunette. And the theme song went “Tiffany Tay-lor. (wolf whistle) Ahhhh, love those ‘70s.
I have to say, the performance was less strained than the previous two weeks. For all the talk about Ayla Brown looking like she’s working hard onstage, I would say Lisa is much more guilty of this. She never looks relaxed, each ridiculous hand movement appears to be over-rehearsed. There is not an ounce of spontaneity in any of her performances, and this is why I can’t warm up to her, even when she has a less sucky week like tonight.
Randy is vamping, so you know he didn’t like it. He tells her the song choice is still too old for her, so I would guess next week she’ll be singing “The Wheels on the Bus,” just to satisfy Randy and his infantilism fetish. Paula and Simon basically repeat comments from previous weeks. Cowell tells her there’s a disconnect because of the song choices and I don’t get why they can’t understand that it doesn’t matter what she sings, she’s a musical theatre performer. When you are a musical theatre performer, and one who has NOT originated a role, you are always directed to perform it exactly the way the original person has done it. Usually it’s the stage manager putting you into a show and not the original director (it depends on the role and the caliber of performer) and they are under strict instructions not to deviate. So you learn to have every movement down to a time, not put anything of yourself into the role and you wind up becoming robotic. And this is how Lisa Tucker comes off and this is why we have trouble connecting to her. Nothing she sings will ever change that, she has to change it. Wake up, judges.
Melissa McGhee is next and she says everyone thinks of her as this girly-girl. May I interject? I think we already heard the most surprising thing about you and that is that you were in beauty pageants. Melissa talks about being into cars and racing the boys. A friend of mine recently asked if I thought there was anything going on between any of the AI contestants this season. And I said that except for Bucky tagging Pickler while on the double-decker bus tour of Hollywood and Ryan throwing stones at Ace’s window every night, that probably Ayla and Melissa have played a little “I Am Curious, Yellow,” after rehearsals.
Melissa is singing a Heart song, which tells you how desperate she realizes this week is for her. She looks as though she was shot in the face with a makeup gun set to “Meredith Viera,” and her vocals are very shaky. Does Melissa have a twin, because they cut to a woman in the audience who looked just like her except with a two pack of Oreo’s a day habit. Melissa is gaining confidence and sounding better now, but just as she gets going, the song is over. She needs to wash that face off. Randy and Paula liked it and Simon tells her that her last note booked her plane ticket home. Thanks, Simon, you’ve just inspired me to pick up the phone and vote for Melissa. And I’ll keep voting till I hear someone else I like.
We’re back from the break and Ryan is surrounded by TPTB’s three choices for pimping out, Paris, Katharine and Kellie. He’s interviewing Katharine, even though Kinnik is next. What does that tell you? Katharine still looks like she smelled a fart at the opera, even though she’s getting extra screen time. Ryan asks her about the rumors that she’s leaving AI and that she’s pregnant and she realizes she’s getting mucho extra screen time, so she laughs and dispels the rumors. I’m sad. I was hoping for a hysterical pregnancy and a long stay at a sanitarium. Kellie Pickler is in the corner thinking- I’ll get pregnant again if it will give me more screen time. I better call daddy and see if I can get a conjugal.
After all this blather, we get to Kinnik almost as an afterthought. Kinnik loves chitlins…. Yeah, I got nothing. Kinnik starts singing and within a few notes, I realize she’s doing an Alicia Keys song and my heart sinks. Kinnik, you should never pick a song made famous by a vocalist like ________ (insert name of singer who does runs up the wazoo) because you’ll always be compared to her unfavorably. Oh my god, the judges have brainwashed me. I NEED A DEPROGRAMMER!! That being said, Kinnik is not knocking it out of the park and I may just keep voting for Melissa and let Kinnik go, cause she’s not got a lot of chance, anyway. Randy says the exact opposite of what actually happened, claiming the song started out great and got sharp and stayed sharp. Paula agrees and Simon tells her she can go home, too. There is not a lot of energy behind these critiques and no one mentions song choice. I think I will vote for Kinnik because Simon was so mean to her. I doubt it will do any good, but at least I’ve done my part, if only to keep her chitlin free for one more week.
Katharine is next and it will be a pleasure to vote for Kinnik all through her gas. She went to the Boston Conservatory and doesn’t she look proud of it. Get off the high horse, honey, Constantine went there. Kat is singing “Think” by Aretha Franklin. If I’m being honest, it reminded me of a slice of wonder bread that you threw some Tabasco on. It may have a kick, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to taste good. There, I can do Simon Cowell. Can I have his job? Seriously, now I look like I smelled a fart at the opera. This is just awful. The singing is on pitch, more or less, but darling, we’re not supposed to be able to understand every word you’re saying. It’s ‘60s R&B, not a recital at Miss Haversham’s Finishing School for ladies and the good girl has decided before she runs off with bad boy Johnny, she’s going to show those stuffed shirts all about soul. Even the back-up singers are like- Phony white bitch, sit your honky ass down. So embarrassing. And she thinks she did well. I’m still voting for Kinnik. God, Randy is such a moron. We do not have a hot one, tonight, dawg pound. McPhever? McPhlatulence. The judges pimp her big time and I realize McPhee is going to have to do more than throw a hissy fit at the hotel to get TPTB to turn on her. Face it, she’s here for the long haul. Well, at least I’ll have her to kick in the face until she convinces me she doesn’t suck.
Ayla Brown is up and she tells us a story about how she thought her father was the real Elvis Presley until she was about eight. Is that her subtle way of telling us her dad did tons of drugs and used to pass out on the toilet eating an entire cheesecake? Ayla is singing “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield and that is a bold choice for her. It takes a while for her car to go from 0 to 60, but when she gets there, it’s pretty good. I applaud the risk, but it’s not her strong suit. That being said, she seemed looser and that she was having fun with it and all around, it was a good performance. Ayla is wearing a pair of cargo pants she borrowed from Ryan and they only come down to her knees. Randy is working my nerves tonight. He didn’t like the performance. Paula strains to say something nice and asks Ayla how tall she is in her shoes. Paula just wants to make sure she’s not hallucinating that Ayla is 15 feet tall. Simon actually says Ayla was pretty good. Ayla looks ticked off at the judges and I don’t blame her. Ayla, you run circles around McPhlatulence. I like her and I am voting.
Mandisa tells us that her big secret is that she sucked her thumb until she was 24 and that God is good, because her teeth ought to be protruding out of the television screen. That’s it, she can stand there mute and I’m voting for her. I love her. Girlfriend blows well on “I’m Every Woman,” and I see Simon could have a field day with that joke opportunity. The backup singers drown Mandisa out for half the song so she has to resort to runs in order to be heard in the mix. She does a very good job, but I want to have an Elliott moment with her and I haven’t had that since she sang Heart the first week. That being said, she’s still the best female singer in the competition. I think if the mix would have favored her more, I might have liked it better. I wish I could see it live. The judges lurve her to pieces. Randy says it’s the best female vocal of the season and Simon says all the other girls should be jealous. We cut to a shot of the upstairs lounge and Ayla, Lisa and Melissa clap weakly. Katharine can’t even be bothered to get up from the couch to go watch. God, I want to pummel her. Anyway, look at me giving her more time on here when I need to be focusing on Mandisa. Talk about star qualities. Everyone needs to be voting for her.
Pickler is bringing up the rear and I can’t wait to hear what stories she has tonight.
“Well, Ryan, I found this thing in Katharine’s drawer and when you turn it on, it sort of vibrates, and it’s shaped like a you-know-what, and, well, I just stuck it in my Ovaltine so I wouldn’t have to dirty a spoon. I never had no Ovaltine, before. That’s milk with this powdery stuff that turns it into chok’lit. Wow, huh?”
Kellie is singing Melissa Etheridge, because god knows it sure worked for Patrick Hall. She’s trying to bump her way through the beginning, but it just looks like she has gas and she stops when she bumps so hard, it interrupts the vocal. Taylor makes those tics look easy. This song is well out of her range until she gets into her higher register and then she doesn’t sound quite so bad. Vocally, the second half of the song is her best performance thus far and that’s damning with faint praise, but it puts her above Katharine and Paris this week. Get ready for a tongue bath, Kellie. Judges? Randy dawg pounded her, Paula says every guy is in love with her and I have to say if this was the very first week I ever saw her, I would be on the fence, which is a big step up for me and the Ick. Simon calls her a naughty little minx, which is almost, but not quite as gross as his Amanda Avila microphone remark of last season. Kellie doesn’t know what a minx is, so expect next week’s video to be telling us all about how she tried some minx, but didn’t like the taste.
Wow, Simon says Kellie is not the best singer, but he likes her, he really, really likes her. In fact, he kind of prefers her to last year’s winner, who by this time, even he can’t remember the name of. Apparently Carrie must have snubbed him at last week’s broadcast. Simon is much too mercurial to run a successful management company. You don’t dis your own artists, you idiot. As much as I’m not a Carrie Underwood fan, she is miles above Kellie as a singer. Unless Jay Leno is looking to bring back Carol Wayne for the Tonight Show in the guise of Kellie Pickler, this gal doesn’t have much of a future.
Ryan takes us home with Kellie and she calls herself a mink. Well, I’m sure Cowell would love to wear you like a coat, but it’s “minx.” Ryan asks what she had for lunch this week and Kellie has tried a new and exotic kind of fish. A Sal-mon. Okay, I’ve had enough. My rankings from 1-8 in yet another dull girls show…
1- Mandisa
2- Melissa
3- Ayla
4- Kellie
5- Kinnik
6- Lisa
7- Paris
8- Katharine
Who should go: Paris and Katharine (as if)
Who will go: Kinnik and Melissa, with Ayla as a dark horse.
Join me tomorrow when we get to listen to some good singers. And Bucky. Seagulls out.
posted by kieran at 1:04 AM
2 Comments:
McPlatulence, lmao!! Oh gee, but I prefer her wayyyyy more than Ickler. Seriously, am I the only one here who can see straight through her? I must say though, she's pretty smart. She knows that she's nowhere near AI material so she's milking her accent and good ole' gal personality for all it's worth. Blech. If I have to hear her say "thanks!" in that voice one more time, I don't know what I'm gonna do. And I can't believe Simon is falling for it! #%!@@!
Go Mandisa! And I hope Ayla does better next week. But I'm most looking forward to Elliott (and Chris) more than anything!
Oh, and I completely agree with your two picks for who's going home. Melissa did that song a terrible grievance there at the end and Kinnik was not impressive at all.
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