Thursday, March 02, 2006

...and starring Taylor Hicks as Cousin Geri. AI Re-Cap 3/1

Ten little Indian boys left in tonight’s competition. The camera rolls past them. Taylor tries hard but can’t resist a little Cocker in the .7 seconds he’s in the spotlight. Lady Miss Ryan is wearing a more grown up outfit tonight, though there’s some weird earphone things on his lapels, like he was listening to an ipod with real music on it (more likely one of his radio broadcasts) and forgot to ditch it before going onstage.

Ryan intros the men. I want to like Taylor Hicks, I really do, but I cannot handle the schtick anymore. Stand up straight and quit acting brain damaged. How is this helping him? He has a good voice, he’s got fucked up hair and he’s got Cowell in his pocket. He doesn’t have to move like Cousin Geri from The Facts of Life. Elliott Yamin is next and stands in place until after they announce Ace Young’s name. Ace has to run by so Gedeon McKinney can come through next. Kevin Covais, Jose Penala, Will Makar, Bucky Covington, David Radford and Chris Daughtry brings up the rear. He looks very nervous tonight. Ryan mentioned someone will be singing a Fuel song tonight and I’ll bet it’s him. I’m already salivating for that. It’s a perfect match.

We do a recap from last night, which I speed through (thank you, TIVO). Paula is back in her regular seat, which is unfortunate. Ryan and Simon banter and Simon says Ryan’s job is easier than his because Ryan has his lines written for him. No, Ryan’s job is easier because he doesn’t have to convince 40 million people that Kellie Pickler is worth keeping around.

Taylor is first and will be singing “Easy” by The Commodores. In his video journey, Taylor and his newly acquired double chin (someone else needs to discover spinach salads) talk about how they are being recognized everywhere now and it’s because of the grey hair. It’s kind of like when I was a little kid and every old woman I saw with red hair I thought was my grandmother, except she didn’t have convulsions while standing still. Taylor refers to his hat as a toboggan. References? Anyone?

Taylor tells everyone to get up so they can dance and clap along to… a ballad. Pardon me, Ego? May I have a word with you? Yes, sorry, I know you’re busy with Paris Bennett but just for a moment. I have someone I know you’ll want to meet. Ego- meet Taylor Hicks. You and he will be getting quite chummy. Taylor is okay. Too many WHOO!s and way too many missed notes. He manages to stand erect until the end of the song which falls apart, then so does Taylor’s posture. The audience doesn’t know why they’re clapping along except they figure Taylor doesn’t want to be the only one there who looks retarded. I think the song had more bad notes than good (if I’m being honest) and the good ones weren’t good enough. Does what I think even matter? Judges? Randy nails the pitch problems while, next to him, Paula’s bouncing her breasts up and down in anticipation. If I see high beams, I’m switching over to E-Ring. Randy compares Taylor to Ray Charles and Paula corrects him, saying Taylor is Taylor. Hicks rewards her with a shit eating grin and a handful of whoo!s. Paula goes right for the outfit and enthusiasm and Taylor’s inner ear starts flaring up and he tosses and turns to distract the audience. Simon says it was the wrong song and I disagree. The song was right, Taylor just didn’t do a good enough job. Taylor does not look happy with Simon. Paula interrupts him and calls him Mr. Mean. Simon, amazingly, holds his tongue and doesn’t call her Ms. Vicodin. I’m pretty much done with Taylor. The Cousin Geri routine is overshadowing the music. He’s going to have to cut the shit out and start singing for real before I hop back on. No votes for him.

Elliott Yamin is next and I am a real big fan. I like his voice and I like his personality. We see his video montage and he slightly pimps the sick mom angle, but I’ve already forgotten it while getting to see his Hollywood clips and then seeing him onstage singing “Moody’s Mood for Love.” Holy shit! That was superfantastic. Clear, crisp, on pitch, not too much frill and one of the most melodious voices I have ever heard on Idol. The audience goes apeshit, as do Randy and Paula. Simon is afraid to fully endorse Elliott, because, after all, he’s got ugly teeth, so he low-balls the compliment. Let me just say that this blew Fantasia’s Summertime to smithereens. Elliott gets votes from me until I can’t dial anymore.

Ace is here and he and Ryan try to enact a manly handshake, which looks ridiculous coming from those two. Ace is singing (in his words) “If I’m Not Made For You” by Daniel Bedingfield. Sweetheart, take your eyes off the mirror for one second, ‘cause the song is called “If You’re Not the One.” Ryan puts his hair up, tucks his knees under his nightie and starts a gabfest with Ace. He wants to know the secret of Ace’s beanie. Excuse me? Well, we learn in the video montage that Ace picks a different beanie every day and carries it in his back pocket. A red beanie means Ace wants a blow job, but if it’s a blue beanie, look out. Ace is feeling butch and wants you to be the bottom. Ace likens his beanie to a wedding ring, because until he’s allowed to marry, this is going to have to suffice.

Ace went a little crazy with the blush tonight. He looks like a Campbell’s soup kid. Breathy vocals, head waggles and he must be sporting the black beanie in his pocket tonight because clearly someone has stuck their fist up his ass and is working the controls to his eyebrows. Folks, this is not good. The backup singers are carrying him big time and that falsetto part, well… he made Sway sound like Barry Gibb. He’s all over the place, though there are one or two sections that sound decent. Ace has no power to his voice, though, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. James Taylor isn’t a belter, but Ace is no James Taylor. I cannot wait to see how the judges will try and spin this. Randy and Paula lie through their teeth, praising song selection to the hilt. I guarantee that if anyone else had chosen this song, they would have lambasted them. Neither R nor P seem to understand the word they are looking for is falsetto, not false, though that’s what both of them are doling out in spades. Simon calls it correctly, saying the song was not a good pick and that Ace will be disappointed when he hears it back, as he struggled with the song. Ryan actually walks up to Ace and pulls the beanie out of his ass pocket and twirls it on his finger. That has to be the gayest thing I have ever seen on American Idol. Ever. Gayer than RJ Helton, Jim Verraros, Gaiken and Bobby Bennett in a daisy chain. Then Ryan realizes how gay he is and tries to save face, forcing Ace to throw the beanie to one of the girls in the audience. Folks, you know Ryan wanted to keep that beanie more than anything. You have just witnessed his Sophie’s Choice. His image or Ace’s sweaty beanie. I feel for ya, Seacrest.

Gedeon McKinney is next. You’re never too far from the Brittenum twins’ jail cell when you hear Gedeon talk to the camera. He talks about how Simon threatened anyone who forgot the lyrics during Hollywood week with going home. As we all know, that was the biggest bullshit threat, otherwise, we’d be looking at 20 completely different people. Gedeon. Enunciates. Every. Word. Very. Precisely. He. Learned. A. Lesson. And. He. Will. Never. Ever. Forget. His. Lyrics. Ever. Again. Otay!

Gedeon is singing “A Change is Gonna Come.” I’ll put my request in for softer eyebrows. Gedeon starts out shaky, but he pulls it out. He goes high Stepin Fetchit on the first chorus (A Chaynge g’wan cum) but then rights the enunciation again. I dunno. I liked it, but I wasn’t moved by it. Like I know Gedeon is good, but I also know he’s never going to see the Top 10 and I’m okay with that, so I won’t bother to get too invested. And that kind of ambivalence is very hard to overcome and I suspect I’m not the only one who feels it. Randy compliments Gedeon, but makes sure to mention five times that the beginning was pitchy. Paula says we’ll be seeing him for decades and I can’t tell if she means Gedeon or black people in general with big eyebrows, lips and teeth. Simon calls Gedeon a “funny little thing” but then goes on to compliment him, calling it a very good performance. I’ll throw the G a few votes in between busy signals on Elliot’s number. Ryan asks Simon a question and we see Paula’s got the DTs. She’s hugging herself and trying to knock off the imaginary bugs. My guess is the next break she’ll ingest something.

Kevin Covais is up next and Ryan has decided to make the white bread jokes part of his regular routine. He pretends to do a whole wigger greeting with Kevin, trying to make him look silly, but Covais pulls it off more naturally than the man who would be 5’5”. Covais’ video is a pisser and it’s nice to see he has a sense of humor about himself. I think he should have Ryan’s job. Kevster will be singing “I Heard it Through the Grapevine.” Yes, I know.

Oh, dear. This performance will wind up being parodied on SNL or MadTV in the next week. Even the backup singers can’t keep a straight face. Kevin is nervous, so I’ll give him that, but I don’t think he could have chosen a more inappropriate song if he’d sung a duet of “Having My Baby” with Frenchie Davis. I heard it through the grapevine, Kevin. Not much longer would you be on the show. Randy and Paula thoroughly bullshit him that he was good, saying he’s so likeable and fun to watch and Paula actually mentions all the smiles on the faces of the audience members. Dumbass, they were laughing. Simon finally talks some sense by saying that though Kevin is likeable, the performance was terrible. Ryan comes out and embarrasses Kevin, no- make that humiliates Kevin by comparing him to a photo of Chicken Little, then makes Paris Bennett, who should not be throwing stones at anyone’s looks, do her imitation of Kevin as Chicken Little. Kevin takes it in stride, but you know he’s got to be crushed. Anyone with any feelings would be. Ryan is an asshole and I should vote for Kevin but at this point, I think the kindest thing to do for him is to not vote so he can go home and not be subjected to anymore public humiliation.

Sway is next and we hear about how the show brought his family together for one night. Mr. & Mrs. Sway apparently are divorced, though one look at Mr. Sway and I would hope she’d have had that thing annulled. Apparently Daddy couldn’t manage to get a night off from making Oxtail Kare-Kare in the sweaty kitchen of some Philippine restaurant in Echo Park to hear his son butcher some Stevie Wonder. But mom is here. It’s strange, but Sway seems to be alternating every note on key and off key. That sounds impossible, but it is exactly what his performance resembles. It goes from boring to unpleasant and back again. He sucks. Randy blathers, Paula blathers and tries to make excuses for the walking penis head and Simon has had it with his shit. Pure karaoke. No votes for Sway. From anyone, I’d wager.

Fred Savage is up next and he’s going to be singing the soulful and sultry (according to Wonder Bread Seacrest) Lady by Kenny Rogers. Will tells us in his video that he recently got to meet Justin Guarini, so I guess they give the Idols time to do things like go to Blockbuster Video. Will remembers fondly back to when he was 12 and Justin was onstage during the first American Idol. I think I speak for Justin and everyone else in America when I say Go Fuck Yourself, Makar.

He starts off way shaky, but improves. Will has the kind of voice made for musical theatre and with some training, he should be able to do reasonably well in that field. Maybe he can take over for Diana DeGarmo in Hairspray. Is it me or did that song feel really short? And thinking back on it, doesn’t it seem like Elliott got twice the amount of time that everyone else did, tonight, to sing? Not that I’m complaining, he’s been the best. It was firmly in the middle for me and Randy and Paula feel similarly. Simon echoes my musical theatre remark and says Will has a fan base of 11 year old girls. Ryan comes onstage and asks Randy to give Will some advice, none of which is useable. Then Seacrest tells us he wants to see Will loosen up (yeah, like he did last week with that wretched Jackson 5 performance?) and actually grabs the bottom of Will’s shirt and pulls it out of his pants. Will looks very disturbed by this and I smell another 20/20 expose’. Ryan is clearly crying for help tonight and wants to come out in the worst way. Backstage, Chris Daughtry is changing into a suit of armor.

Bucky Covington is next. Bucky is bad. Bucky is dumb. I secretly want to fuck Bucky and then key his pickup truck out of shame. Is there anymore that needs to be said about Bucky? Ever? Okay, maybe there is because the judges totally softball this truly wretched performance. Ryan hits on Bucky and invites him out for sushi.

David Radford is next and tells the dumbest story about a belt I’ve ever heard. Ryan is in the background nodding and sympathizing, cause he gets it completely. David is coming off a little gay tonight. David sings The Way You Look Tonight and shows he learned nothing from last week’s monstrosity. He has trouble with the last note again. This isn’t as bad last week, but David has no business being here. Judges? Randy was bored. Me, too. Paula wasn’t connected. Me, too. David looks daggers through her. Simon tells David he doesn’t have charisma or confidence.

Chris Daughtry is up last and will be singing Hemorrhage in My Hands by Fuel, which is one of my favorite songs of the past few years. Chris does a decent job, but is really hampered by the terrible editing of the song to get it down to regulation time. He never has a chance to really feel the song and tell a story and build any emotion. He was good, but it left me cold and it wasn’t his fault at all. Simon says this was the only real performance of the evening and is the standard and I think Simon has a short memory, because Elliott was the standout. I’ll throw Chris some votes, cause I do like him and he is talented and my grandmother, before she died, wanted me to stand on this stage and sing Copacabana.

Okay, my picks from 1-10

1- Elliot Yamin
2- Chris Daughtry
3- Gedeon McKinney
4- Will Makar
5- Taylor Hicks
6- Ace Young
7- Jose Penala
8- David Radford
9- Bucky Covington
10- Kevin Covais

Who should go: Kevin Covais and David Radford
Who will go: Kevin Covais and Bucky Covington

Tomorrow I will attempt my first wrap-up of a results show. Seagulls out.

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