Jesus, Take Brenna Gethers. AI Re-cap 3/2
So here we are again and three recaps a week is exhausting. Let’s throw the rest of these no-talents outta here so daddy can get some sleep. Seacrest is in the same suit as last night’s show, but all the contestants are decked out in some new Target finery. I guess Ryan is the coal to their diamonds so bling bling and shine on.
Ryan tells us that though they will be sending four people home, the news is not all bad. The “original” farm girl (ooooh, could it be the tide is turning against Ickler?) Carrie Underwood will be onstage singing tonight. Wait, wasn’t there some good news? Did I miss it? Ohhhhhhhh…. Ryan mentions that over 42 million votes came in the past two nights. Hey, 89 of those were mine. Then we cut to a shot of the wallflower section of the audience, some homely girls just hoping to get favored with Kellie Pickler’s tanning crème empties.
Did Randy Jackson lose two fingers in the Civil War or are they just shy, ‘cause I never see them when he waves.
The group strangle this evening is “Love the One You’re With,” originally sung by Barbra Streisand. (Yeah, I know, I’m like a dog with a bone. Hopefully something worse will come along and I can fixate on it instead.) The gals are taking lead vocals this week. Melissa McGhee starts us off and Taylor Hicks is mouthing the words in the background with a very lascivious tongue. And now they’re dancing. Will Makar was put in charge of choreography. He just recycled the stage movements he and the other five Brady kids did when they won that talent show singing “It’s a Sunshine Day.” Gedeon does it the best because he’s seen that episode a hundred times. He thinks Greg is dreamy. Brenna Gethers doesn’t so much as hit a note in the middle of her solo line as she slices the ear off of it and watches it scream in pain. Lisa Tucker decides the note hasn’t suffered enough so she kicks it in the ribs a few times. I’m less and less impressed with that one every performance. Paris’ new shipment of wigs hasn’t arrived, so she re-styles the Joyce DeWitt. Bucky is lost completely with the choreography, but Sway does it enough for the both of them. Did they have a Mickey Mouse Club in Manila? Pickler blows her line by being flat, but Kinnik rocks it out and I truly hope she’s staying another week. Mandisa brings it home and the final arm-up group pose takes about 8 seconds to complete, as everyone is on their own time schedule. I think the producers chose this song for us at home, sort of likening it to our experience this season. They’re basically telling us- Hey, if you can’t be with the ones you love, like Holly and Jason and Marcy, then love the ones we picked, like Sway. Or Brenna. Or David. Sorry, Nige, I’m not buying. Back in the green room, Carrie Underwood is smoking a cigarette, getting Sway’s mom to give her a pedicure and thinking- Christ, do I still have to be associated with this show?
Clips of the past two nights and I don’t care. Seacrest brings Carrie Underwood out and he’s so excited, it’s all he can do to contain himself. Carrie is so over it. She can barely be bothered to say hello to the judges, though she does acknowledge they were good to her. Good to her? Honey, they won you that competition. How quickly they forget. Carrie has some story about her new video where her real mom played her video mom and Carrie jokes about threatening her with hiring a rent-a-mom if she didn’t do a good job. Everyone laughs, but you know Carrie probably said way worse. She’ll be singing “Jesus, Take the Wheel.” She actually sounds pretty good, but this song... Jesus, Make it Stop. So some bar floozy slides on a patch of ice with her baby in the car and instead of trying to keep the car from skidding, she just throws her hands up and tells Jesus to take care of it? Ohhh, it’s a metaphor. She’s been a drugging, drinking, whoring, teen-age babymomma going home to sponge off her parents, but she’s turning to Jesus so she can get to pretend none of it ever happened? God, I hate country music. Up in the rafters, Melissa and Pickler mouth every word along with Carrie. This group does a lot of that. It’s really irritating. Kellie turns to Katharine at one point, all excited because her personal Jesus is onstage and we see Kat’s face go from bored to fake excited and back to bored. Kat, the camera is always watching. Was I not promised she’d be leaving this week?
Elimination time for the ladies. I know a lot of people say Kinnik looks like a transvestite (I think phrase you’re looking for is drag queen) but I don’t see it. And I lived in the East Village in NYC for 13 years. Believe me, that hood was lousy with DQs. I know one when I see one. They start with Lisa and Ryan dims the lights (a veiled hint to Brenna, maybe? Dim All the Lights was a Donna Summer song) and we’re spared a full on view of Lisa’s mustache and sideburns. She is not….in the bottom three this week. Seacrest just loves finding different ways to say safe and out. Ayla is safe, then they build false tension for Katharine and I realize she always looks like she’s just smelled a fart at the opera. She is safe, Mandisa is safe and Kinnik is the first to go to the bottom three. Not surprising, but I hope she’s staying. Brenna is also in the bottom three (she was so bad, she should be ALL the bottom three) and she pretends to have a tear rolling down her cheek. Pickler is safe, Paris is safe and it’s between Heather’s jugs and Melissa’s jugs. The wonky eye wins out and Heather is sent to the loser’s circle.
The lady with the lowest votes is….Brenna. Ryan apologizes, but Brenna is ready to make some money. She’s ready to make some cash. All across Los Angeles, Iranian businessmen in Comfort Inns are heading over to the theater to pick up Brenna. I hear if you do anal, they tip better. Brenna threatens America with her album and says “Let’s make some…good music?” Like she can’t even believe it could happen, either. Brenna sings “Last Dance” again. Cause when I’m bad, I’m so, so bad. Truer words were never spoken.
Back from the break and Ryan asks Paula (yeah, I know. Paula.) what went wrong with the performances of the two ladies left up onstage. Paula medicated during Carrie’s song (Jesus, Take the Klonopin) and is completely incoherent. She babbles something about pizza and salad and blames it on Simon. Seacrest admonishes the judges for wasting time, because he wants to get to the men already so he can touch Ace. Ryan asks Simon who he thinks is going home and he says based on vocals, it’s Heather. He is correct. Kinnik and I both heave a sigh of relief and the camera cuts to a shot of the cowardly lion from The Wiz. Oh, wait, it’s just Gedeon. Heather is gracious and she is a sweet gal (or hides her bitchiness better than McPhee) and she really didn’t do a terrible job on “Hero.” But I ain’t sticking around to hear it again.
On to the boys. Ryan starts with Bucky and asks if he thinks he is in the bottom three. Bucky doesn’t know his right from left, so how’s he gonna know that? He is safe. Ryan goes to Ace next and you can see a shiver run up his spine. He also mis-speaks the title of the song Ace sang. He asks Ace if he thinks he’s in the bottom three. Ace is safe.
Elliott is next and they just will not give this kid a break. He was far and away the best male singer for both nights, the judges reluctantly praise him and now Seacrest is putting him on the spot, forcing him to speculate if he’s in the bottom three or not. Why didn’t he do that with Ace or Bucky? Elliott tries to get out of it, as anyone would (except for Paris, who has favor and wouldn’t let us forget it) and Ryan presses an answer from him further. Agenda much, Ryan? He goes to Sway and Sway is in the bottom three. Free duck for the crew will only get you so far. Taylor is not having Ryan’s shit and refuses to answer. He is told he’s safe and rewards us with a head jerk and a whoo. You know he was holding those in the whole show. David is in the bottom three and does not look happy about it. Now you know how America felt listening to your shitty voice. Chris is safe (and hot), Gedeon is safe, and it’s down to Kevin and Will. I swear, Kevin gets younger every time I see him. Kevin is in the bottom three.
Randy says he’s shocked Kevin and Sway are in the bottom three. Randy, who else was there? David is the lowest vote getter and I’m going to take a stab and guess his total was 17. David is happy to get to go home and hang out with his friends, probably because they lie to him and tell him he sounds good. Ryan asks what he’ll remember most about the show and David’s answer…. School. Ryan tries prompting him into mentioning the other contestants, but David is still thinking of those three hour school days. David grabs the mike from Seacrest to shut him up and sings his song again. The contestants he forgot to mention come out mid-song to embrace him. Or stop him. Why didn’t anyone come out to hug Brenna? Oh, right. But why not Heather?
It’s between Kevin and Sway and I seriously want Kevin to go home because if he goes through one more week of teasing and humiliation from everyone, I fear he’ll set the gym on fire with his mind and trap everyone inside to die. But, no, the Chicken Little sympathy votes carry him through another week. Again Ryan asks Paula (Paula!!!) for advice to give to the two onstage. If you listen closely during her giggling, you can hear the sound of her pill cutter hitting the floor. Oh my god, she is so out of it and doesn’t even care. I so want her to get up on the desk and start screaming “I’m Neely O’Hara! Neeeeeeeeeeely O’ HARA!!!!!!!!” But she says something about fortune cookies (yeah, Sway, she meant that as a dig) and melon (another dig) and now Sway is going home and I don’t listen to his song, even though I am overjoyed he is leaving.
Seacrest gets shoved aside by all the contestants, but there is no open trap door to cause any serious damage. Next time, perhaps. Seagulls, out.
Ryan tells us that though they will be sending four people home, the news is not all bad. The “original” farm girl (ooooh, could it be the tide is turning against Ickler?) Carrie Underwood will be onstage singing tonight. Wait, wasn’t there some good news? Did I miss it? Ohhhhhhhh…. Ryan mentions that over 42 million votes came in the past two nights. Hey, 89 of those were mine. Then we cut to a shot of the wallflower section of the audience, some homely girls just hoping to get favored with Kellie Pickler’s tanning crème empties.
Did Randy Jackson lose two fingers in the Civil War or are they just shy, ‘cause I never see them when he waves.
The group strangle this evening is “Love the One You’re With,” originally sung by Barbra Streisand. (Yeah, I know, I’m like a dog with a bone. Hopefully something worse will come along and I can fixate on it instead.) The gals are taking lead vocals this week. Melissa McGhee starts us off and Taylor Hicks is mouthing the words in the background with a very lascivious tongue. And now they’re dancing. Will Makar was put in charge of choreography. He just recycled the stage movements he and the other five Brady kids did when they won that talent show singing “It’s a Sunshine Day.” Gedeon does it the best because he’s seen that episode a hundred times. He thinks Greg is dreamy. Brenna Gethers doesn’t so much as hit a note in the middle of her solo line as she slices the ear off of it and watches it scream in pain. Lisa Tucker decides the note hasn’t suffered enough so she kicks it in the ribs a few times. I’m less and less impressed with that one every performance. Paris’ new shipment of wigs hasn’t arrived, so she re-styles the Joyce DeWitt. Bucky is lost completely with the choreography, but Sway does it enough for the both of them. Did they have a Mickey Mouse Club in Manila? Pickler blows her line by being flat, but Kinnik rocks it out and I truly hope she’s staying another week. Mandisa brings it home and the final arm-up group pose takes about 8 seconds to complete, as everyone is on their own time schedule. I think the producers chose this song for us at home, sort of likening it to our experience this season. They’re basically telling us- Hey, if you can’t be with the ones you love, like Holly and Jason and Marcy, then love the ones we picked, like Sway. Or Brenna. Or David. Sorry, Nige, I’m not buying. Back in the green room, Carrie Underwood is smoking a cigarette, getting Sway’s mom to give her a pedicure and thinking- Christ, do I still have to be associated with this show?
Clips of the past two nights and I don’t care. Seacrest brings Carrie Underwood out and he’s so excited, it’s all he can do to contain himself. Carrie is so over it. She can barely be bothered to say hello to the judges, though she does acknowledge they were good to her. Good to her? Honey, they won you that competition. How quickly they forget. Carrie has some story about her new video where her real mom played her video mom and Carrie jokes about threatening her with hiring a rent-a-mom if she didn’t do a good job. Everyone laughs, but you know Carrie probably said way worse. She’ll be singing “Jesus, Take the Wheel.” She actually sounds pretty good, but this song... Jesus, Make it Stop. So some bar floozy slides on a patch of ice with her baby in the car and instead of trying to keep the car from skidding, she just throws her hands up and tells Jesus to take care of it? Ohhh, it’s a metaphor. She’s been a drugging, drinking, whoring, teen-age babymomma going home to sponge off her parents, but she’s turning to Jesus so she can get to pretend none of it ever happened? God, I hate country music. Up in the rafters, Melissa and Pickler mouth every word along with Carrie. This group does a lot of that. It’s really irritating. Kellie turns to Katharine at one point, all excited because her personal Jesus is onstage and we see Kat’s face go from bored to fake excited and back to bored. Kat, the camera is always watching. Was I not promised she’d be leaving this week?
Elimination time for the ladies. I know a lot of people say Kinnik looks like a transvestite (I think phrase you’re looking for is drag queen) but I don’t see it. And I lived in the East Village in NYC for 13 years. Believe me, that hood was lousy with DQs. I know one when I see one. They start with Lisa and Ryan dims the lights (a veiled hint to Brenna, maybe? Dim All the Lights was a Donna Summer song) and we’re spared a full on view of Lisa’s mustache and sideburns. She is not….in the bottom three this week. Seacrest just loves finding different ways to say safe and out. Ayla is safe, then they build false tension for Katharine and I realize she always looks like she’s just smelled a fart at the opera. She is safe, Mandisa is safe and Kinnik is the first to go to the bottom three. Not surprising, but I hope she’s staying. Brenna is also in the bottom three (she was so bad, she should be ALL the bottom three) and she pretends to have a tear rolling down her cheek. Pickler is safe, Paris is safe and it’s between Heather’s jugs and Melissa’s jugs. The wonky eye wins out and Heather is sent to the loser’s circle.
The lady with the lowest votes is….Brenna. Ryan apologizes, but Brenna is ready to make some money. She’s ready to make some cash. All across Los Angeles, Iranian businessmen in Comfort Inns are heading over to the theater to pick up Brenna. I hear if you do anal, they tip better. Brenna threatens America with her album and says “Let’s make some…good music?” Like she can’t even believe it could happen, either. Brenna sings “Last Dance” again. Cause when I’m bad, I’m so, so bad. Truer words were never spoken.
Back from the break and Ryan asks Paula (yeah, I know. Paula.) what went wrong with the performances of the two ladies left up onstage. Paula medicated during Carrie’s song (Jesus, Take the Klonopin) and is completely incoherent. She babbles something about pizza and salad and blames it on Simon. Seacrest admonishes the judges for wasting time, because he wants to get to the men already so he can touch Ace. Ryan asks Simon who he thinks is going home and he says based on vocals, it’s Heather. He is correct. Kinnik and I both heave a sigh of relief and the camera cuts to a shot of the cowardly lion from The Wiz. Oh, wait, it’s just Gedeon. Heather is gracious and she is a sweet gal (or hides her bitchiness better than McPhee) and she really didn’t do a terrible job on “Hero.” But I ain’t sticking around to hear it again.
On to the boys. Ryan starts with Bucky and asks if he thinks he is in the bottom three. Bucky doesn’t know his right from left, so how’s he gonna know that? He is safe. Ryan goes to Ace next and you can see a shiver run up his spine. He also mis-speaks the title of the song Ace sang. He asks Ace if he thinks he’s in the bottom three. Ace is safe.
Elliott is next and they just will not give this kid a break. He was far and away the best male singer for both nights, the judges reluctantly praise him and now Seacrest is putting him on the spot, forcing him to speculate if he’s in the bottom three or not. Why didn’t he do that with Ace or Bucky? Elliott tries to get out of it, as anyone would (except for Paris, who has favor and wouldn’t let us forget it) and Ryan presses an answer from him further. Agenda much, Ryan? He goes to Sway and Sway is in the bottom three. Free duck for the crew will only get you so far. Taylor is not having Ryan’s shit and refuses to answer. He is told he’s safe and rewards us with a head jerk and a whoo. You know he was holding those in the whole show. David is in the bottom three and does not look happy about it. Now you know how America felt listening to your shitty voice. Chris is safe (and hot), Gedeon is safe, and it’s down to Kevin and Will. I swear, Kevin gets younger every time I see him. Kevin is in the bottom three.
Randy says he’s shocked Kevin and Sway are in the bottom three. Randy, who else was there? David is the lowest vote getter and I’m going to take a stab and guess his total was 17. David is happy to get to go home and hang out with his friends, probably because they lie to him and tell him he sounds good. Ryan asks what he’ll remember most about the show and David’s answer…. School. Ryan tries prompting him into mentioning the other contestants, but David is still thinking of those three hour school days. David grabs the mike from Seacrest to shut him up and sings his song again. The contestants he forgot to mention come out mid-song to embrace him. Or stop him. Why didn’t anyone come out to hug Brenna? Oh, right. But why not Heather?
It’s between Kevin and Sway and I seriously want Kevin to go home because if he goes through one more week of teasing and humiliation from everyone, I fear he’ll set the gym on fire with his mind and trap everyone inside to die. But, no, the Chicken Little sympathy votes carry him through another week. Again Ryan asks Paula (Paula!!!) for advice to give to the two onstage. If you listen closely during her giggling, you can hear the sound of her pill cutter hitting the floor. Oh my god, she is so out of it and doesn’t even care. I so want her to get up on the desk and start screaming “I’m Neely O’Hara! Neeeeeeeeeeely O’ HARA!!!!!!!!” But she says something about fortune cookies (yeah, Sway, she meant that as a dig) and melon (another dig) and now Sway is going home and I don’t listen to his song, even though I am overjoyed he is leaving.
Seacrest gets shoved aside by all the contestants, but there is no open trap door to cause any serious damage. Next time, perhaps. Seagulls, out.
posted by kieran at 3:35 PM
1 Comments:
Hi. I got here from the Elliott Yamin group on Yahoo. I'm completely obsessed with AI so I've read a lot of recaps and done my own and yours is by far, the best. It had me laughing and completely agreeing with you the entire time. And I'm really glad you're an Elliott supporter too. I really want him to win although I think this is Chris's year. Only two of the girls impress me and that's Mandisa and Ayla. Anyway, I wanted to compliment you on the great job. Looking forward to the next one!
Post a Comment
<< Home