Kevin is Your Heaven. AI Re-cap 3/15
Re-cap time for the results show and it feels like I was just sitting here doing this. Oh yeah, five hours ago, I was. Half hour tonight, so this should be fast.
The bland on the run are lined up onstage. Ace is emotionless until he knows the camera is on him, then he breaks into a big, sincere smile. Someone cast this cherub in a bus and truck tour of “Annie,” immediately. Simon can play Miss Hannigan. Paris looks like the Zuni fetish doll from “Trilogy of Terror.” McPhee is trying for the title of naughty little minx this week with her shoulder bearing gown. And Bucky looks sickly. America, this is your top twelve.
Ryan is tieless tonight and looks as though he had a spa day. He tells America they cast 32 ½ million votes and sells it like he’s singing Mammy. He says it’s even more incredible, since it was in one night. Yeah, but Ryan, that’s because all the contestants were on in one night. It’s actually a drop of 10 million votes from last week. Does that mean everyone who left last week got 2 ½ million votes? Ryan introduces the Top 12 again on the couches and Taylor does some jerk-ass hand movement thing which I’m sure he thought was charming. I guess it’s a WHOO thing. Seacrest greets the judges and Simon is not wearing a sweater tonight. I have to say the button down thing lessens his ick factor by half.
Back from a break and we see the first Ford Idol commercial of the season. McPhee does not look flattering in a sheriff’s uniform. And Ace is wearing the pelt of his last john before Idol took him off the streets. Stevie Wonder is in the house tonight and Ryan asks him what he thought of the Idols when he worked with them. Stevie tries to be both honest and diplomatic, but inferring mightily that, though he is blind, he could spot better talent from a mile away. Stevie is singing a song from his new album and I feel about him the way I do about Elton John. Neither has recorded a song I could even be forced to listen to since the mid ‘80s. I’m skipping through it, but mad props to my man Stevie for not falsely gushing about the talents of this rank bunch. Stevie gets a standing ovation and all the idols look thrilled except for Chris, who still doesn’t get it.
Ryan gets right to the voting results and starts with Ace and Kevin. One of the two of them is in the bottom three. Surprisingly, but deservedly, it’s Ace. I’m happy people have gotten tired of his shit. I don’t think he’s going home, but it’s a good ego knocker for him. Kevin is terrible, but last night he was much better than Ace. I didn’t even think he gave one of the bottom three performances. I thought Ace, Kellie and Lisa stunk up the joint way worse than he did. Paula is upset. She barks several times that she doesn’t get it. That’s cool, baby. We don’t get 99% of the shit that you come up with, either. Randy and Simon say they are surprised that Ace is in the bottom three, but neither seems too broken up about it.
Back from the break and we go to Paris. She is safe. We cut to her family in the audience and I now see where she gets her sense of style. Three women in the row and they look like live action versions of the Hair Bear Bunch. Kellie is safe, which means her country schtick is still suckering America. She turns to Paris and hugs her, celebrating. Ryan moves on to Taylor, seated next to Kellie. She is still hugging Paris and making noise, so Taylor taps her on the back to let her know it’s his turn, quit hogging the attention. I would think he’d be glad she was pushed over so he could have extra room to WHOO and hug himself when he hears he’s safe. Chris is safe and gets a huge reaction from the crowd. I guess no one remembers the Chili Peppers. We get to Elliott and Melissa and between the two of them, Melissa is in the bottom three. No surprise there. And I won’t shed a tear for her. She hasn’t done much to excite me and after not even being able to read off of a lyric sheet properly in front of a blind man- she needs to go. Even better, my man Elliott is safe. Lisa is in the bottom three and I couldn’t be happier. Except for Pickler’s country ass still sitting up there, I think America got it right, for once. Ryan says he’ll send someone back to safety after the break.
Ryan sends Ace back to the couches and I have to say, I was really hoping he’d be the one to leave. I think it would have made for a much more interesting show. But I’m fairly sure it will be Melissa. And it is. Oh well, I called it, but I’m not jumping for joy. We had a chance to clear out some stinky deadwood and we cut the least lousy of the three. We look back on Melissa’s journey, because, you know, AI is all about journeys. Melissa sings her song, and no advice from the judges. She gets through one verse and the show is over before she can finish. And I’d say that’s a fitting end to one of the most forgettable AI contestants ever.
Mel, babe, we hardly knew ya.
The bland on the run are lined up onstage. Ace is emotionless until he knows the camera is on him, then he breaks into a big, sincere smile. Someone cast this cherub in a bus and truck tour of “Annie,” immediately. Simon can play Miss Hannigan. Paris looks like the Zuni fetish doll from “Trilogy of Terror.” McPhee is trying for the title of naughty little minx this week with her shoulder bearing gown. And Bucky looks sickly. America, this is your top twelve.
Ryan is tieless tonight and looks as though he had a spa day. He tells America they cast 32 ½ million votes and sells it like he’s singing Mammy. He says it’s even more incredible, since it was in one night. Yeah, but Ryan, that’s because all the contestants were on in one night. It’s actually a drop of 10 million votes from last week. Does that mean everyone who left last week got 2 ½ million votes? Ryan introduces the Top 12 again on the couches and Taylor does some jerk-ass hand movement thing which I’m sure he thought was charming. I guess it’s a WHOO thing. Seacrest greets the judges and Simon is not wearing a sweater tonight. I have to say the button down thing lessens his ick factor by half.
Back from a break and we see the first Ford Idol commercial of the season. McPhee does not look flattering in a sheriff’s uniform. And Ace is wearing the pelt of his last john before Idol took him off the streets. Stevie Wonder is in the house tonight and Ryan asks him what he thought of the Idols when he worked with them. Stevie tries to be both honest and diplomatic, but inferring mightily that, though he is blind, he could spot better talent from a mile away. Stevie is singing a song from his new album and I feel about him the way I do about Elton John. Neither has recorded a song I could even be forced to listen to since the mid ‘80s. I’m skipping through it, but mad props to my man Stevie for not falsely gushing about the talents of this rank bunch. Stevie gets a standing ovation and all the idols look thrilled except for Chris, who still doesn’t get it.
Ryan gets right to the voting results and starts with Ace and Kevin. One of the two of them is in the bottom three. Surprisingly, but deservedly, it’s Ace. I’m happy people have gotten tired of his shit. I don’t think he’s going home, but it’s a good ego knocker for him. Kevin is terrible, but last night he was much better than Ace. I didn’t even think he gave one of the bottom three performances. I thought Ace, Kellie and Lisa stunk up the joint way worse than he did. Paula is upset. She barks several times that she doesn’t get it. That’s cool, baby. We don’t get 99% of the shit that you come up with, either. Randy and Simon say they are surprised that Ace is in the bottom three, but neither seems too broken up about it.
Back from the break and we go to Paris. She is safe. We cut to her family in the audience and I now see where she gets her sense of style. Three women in the row and they look like live action versions of the Hair Bear Bunch. Kellie is safe, which means her country schtick is still suckering America. She turns to Paris and hugs her, celebrating. Ryan moves on to Taylor, seated next to Kellie. She is still hugging Paris and making noise, so Taylor taps her on the back to let her know it’s his turn, quit hogging the attention. I would think he’d be glad she was pushed over so he could have extra room to WHOO and hug himself when he hears he’s safe. Chris is safe and gets a huge reaction from the crowd. I guess no one remembers the Chili Peppers. We get to Elliott and Melissa and between the two of them, Melissa is in the bottom three. No surprise there. And I won’t shed a tear for her. She hasn’t done much to excite me and after not even being able to read off of a lyric sheet properly in front of a blind man- she needs to go. Even better, my man Elliott is safe. Lisa is in the bottom three and I couldn’t be happier. Except for Pickler’s country ass still sitting up there, I think America got it right, for once. Ryan says he’ll send someone back to safety after the break.
Ryan sends Ace back to the couches and I have to say, I was really hoping he’d be the one to leave. I think it would have made for a much more interesting show. But I’m fairly sure it will be Melissa. And it is. Oh well, I called it, but I’m not jumping for joy. We had a chance to clear out some stinky deadwood and we cut the least lousy of the three. We look back on Melissa’s journey, because, you know, AI is all about journeys. Melissa sings her song, and no advice from the judges. She gets through one verse and the show is over before she can finish. And I’d say that’s a fitting end to one of the most forgettable AI contestants ever.
Mel, babe, we hardly knew ya.
posted by kieran at 12:10 PM
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