I Just Called to Say I'm Nauseous. AI Re-cap 3/14
First off, apologies for this being less timely than usual. I was out very late last night and couldn’t deal with doing three hours of re-caps. But now I’m fresh as a daisy and ready to tear a few new assholes. Gimme the ball.
A’ight, so dude, so what’s goin’ down? Well, I’m here to tell you- it’s a new show to be done weekly before each episode of Idol. A sort of pre-show, if you will, hosted by Kimberly Caldwell, a finalist from Season 2, and some chick named Rosanna Tavarez, as her south of the border Ryan Dunkleman. The show is called “Idol Tonight,” and it’s on the TV Guide Channel. You know, that channel that has original programming, only it has to share the screen with an ever-scrolling list of what’s on television. When a network only gives you half a screen to begin with, how good can the show be? We’re about to find out.
Kimberly Caldwell is soooo excited to be here (insert obvious joke). It only takes her half a minute before she subtly reminds us that she was once a contestant, a finalist, on Idol. Let’s see how many times she tries to drop that into the conversation while hosting. I’ll be doing a running count. So far we’re at (1). Ah, okay, Rosanna Tavarez was the winner of the WB’s Pop Star. I guess we see how far THAT gig took her. She looks like she models herself after a young Melissa Rivers. Well, I suppose someone had to. (2) I think Kim and Ro’s mikes must be hand props because they are screaming into them. There’s a huge crowd of people waiting to get into the studio to watch the show and from the looks of them, I’m guessing they were giving out free Idol tickets with every Gordita Value Meal at Taco Bell. The gals start with a (what else) re-cap of the Top 12 contestants and they’re a little slow on the uptake, because they have no clips from last week’s shows. Not that I’m complaining, cause those shows sucked and it’s nice to remember the contestants when they sounded decent. Oh, wait… Scratch that. There’s Paris getting all bug-eyed, doing the crab dance and trying not to give us a jail-bait titty shot. Oh, right, she’s also kind of singing “Midnight Train to Georgia.” God, I had just about flushed that from my consciousness. Thanks, rotten TV Guide Channel. The montage of Ace shows him in the exact same position for each song, which is a head waggle, body slightly hunched over, right hand pressing gently against his heart, to make sure it’s still beating and that Ryan hasn’t stolen it away. Lisa Tucker sounds even worse and more flat in her re-caps.
Our first has-been, I mean special guest star, is from Season 3, John Peter Lewis. Kimberly screams some more and JP seems surprised anyone remembers him. JP likens being back on Idol to a high school reunion. You’re not on Idol, hon, you’re standing outside of it on the TV Guide Channel. While you’re speaking, tens of thousands of people are trying to decide if they want to watch Jeopardy or that episode of the Andy Griffith Show where Aunt Bea is beaten up and robbed on her way home from church. Kimberly reminds him she graduated a year before him (3). Someone please get Ms. Caldwell into Radio Shack, cause girlfriend needs a new volume button. Scream, scream, scream. Rosanna asks JP to give the Top 12 guys some advice, cause, you know, they watch the show. JP tells them to be true to themselves. Ryan Seacrest is watching backstage on a monitor and silently sends up a prayer that Ace takes this advice to heart. The gals ask JP what he’s up to these days and we find out that JP’s album will be out in a couple months and he’s going to be touring. Just the way he says it, you know he’s exaggerating the facts just a bit to not appear as a total loser. Not lying, per se, but making it sound just a wee bit better than it really is. K&R harangue the poor guy into dancing for them and I finally get a look at Caldwell’s outfit, a white Love Boat uniform vest, a blue bustier, black suspenders and my Uncle Morty’s Haband slacks. I know all I need to know about this dame and all I can say is it’s gonna be a long 11 weeks.
We’re back and it’s only 10 minutes into the show. Caldwell’s voice will never make it. The gals and JP discuss Chris Daughtry. They love him. Then we go to Paris. They comment about how wonderful her hair is. If you love it so much, you can order it out of a catalog. JP says Paris has an incredible voice and I can see what kind of show this is going to be and I’m not going to recap it if they aren’t going to get snarky. They keep going to Rosanna Tavarez to find someone in the crowd who likes Paris. Rosie slips a couple folks a sawbuck or two and they try and lie their way through some compliments. Maybe they were promised some favor from Jesus.
Kimberly asks JP why everyone loves Ace so much and Lewis tells us he’s heterosexual, but he’s attracted to Ace. Kimberly brays into the fake mike and says she thinks Simon is attracted to Ace, also. Notice- no mention of Ryan.
Back from the break and Rosanna is interviewing Roger Love, a vocal coach. Roger is being as slightly snarky as the show will allow him. He says Katharine needs to find songs that will help her find her own style. Of Taylor, he says people love imperfection and Taylor is taking it to an art form. I’m already nominating him as new host of Idol Tonight. Caldwell interviews three fat chicks who WHOO it up for their boy Taylor. She asks the middle one if she’d like to go out on a date with Taylor and homegirl stops munching on her Gordita long enough to go “Yeah, that would be…great.” But not as great as sour cream and beef.
Kimberly manages to pick a total gay boy to talk about the virtues of Kellie Pickler. Talk about not knowing your audience! This kid is screaming worse than Jm J. Bullock and she’s asking him why he likes Kellie. He wants to wear her like a mink.
This show is so dreadful. If I were watching it live, I would have turned to the PTL Club, which I see was playing last night at the same time (Thanks, TV Guide Channel!!) for a good laugh. They talk about Mandisa and say all good things. Then they discuss Elliott and show a clip of him singing “Heaven.” Caldwell makes the following statement.
“You know, even with such a cool song, he still manages to pull it off and sound really great.”
I’m just curious, how long did this moron last on Idol? And did anyone just haul off and belt her one during the season?
Ugh, back from commercial and we’re with Shawna Malcom from TV Guide, who is probably here to personally deliver pink slips to both Kimberly and Rosanna. They discuss Lisa Tucker and Shawna says Lisa has an inner rock chick and has been writing rock songs for years and really wants to get to perform them out here. Well, I’m up for a laugh, so why not? That girl is about as rock chick as Katharine McPhee is a soul diva.
God, TV Guide is sooo pimping Lisa. Okay, now we’re on to Bucky and this should be good. Shawna has interviewed Bucky and he is so genuine and down to earth. He told her he wakes up every morning and goes “Where am I?” Shawna, honey, it’s obvious from your outfit and hairstyle that you’re a wee bit sheltered. We’ll explain it to you later. Kimberly is with a Bucky fan, some middle aged moo with a hand painted sign that says “We Love Bucky ‘Tea Biscuit” Covington.” Huh? Moo woman goes on to explain that Bucky’s favorite foods are sweet tea and biscuits. Umm, here’s a tip, Bucky fans. If you’re trying to help your boy advance, it’s probably not a good idea to give him a nickname that so closely resembles resting someone’s scrotum on your face.
We’re treated to a shot of Melissa from last week. The poor thing looks like someone’s left her cake out in the rain. With all that make-up and hair wilting, she looks even worse than I remembered. John Peter Lewis is back and he and Kimberly are trying very hard to find something nice to say about Kevin Covais. Since they can’t, they go to the audience and find a mother-daughter team that I wish I had a screen cap of. Mom has her blouse half undone, with a red and platinum Tiffany Taylor hair-do and her daughter wants to marry Kevin Covais. Hey everyone, free Idol audience tickets with every WIC check!!
We’re coming to the end and we’ve been being promised some never before seen footage of Simon trashing the singers, but first it’s Steve Buscemi’s illegitimate son, Eric Millegan from a show no one watches called “Bones,” who’s probably there because they couldn’t get the second kid from that Michael Rapaport sitcom to appear. So the promised footage is not of Simon, but of the countless rejects complaining to the camera during the audition process. I hate the TV Guide Channel and this show sucks. No more re-caps of it. On to the real show.
Ryan is in the barn and he’s wearing another tie. He pimps the new surroundings and then takes us on a “journey” of all the idols so far. Wow, didn’t see that one coming. I’ve been on this journey so many times, I no longer need to leave breadcrumbs to find my way out. I HATE this time wasting shit. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to get nostalgic for the journey if we take a rest stop every mile and reminisce about it??
I’m cranky because this is late and the TV Guide channel put me in a bitchy mood and Kimberly Caldwell isn’t around to verbally abuse and I miss Ayla and I’m moody. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Is it me or does every Idol coming out of the audition room look fake and coached? Now that I’ve gotten to know them (figuratively), I don’t buy these tears. I want to get down to the bottom of Chris’ marriage. He’s 26, he married an older woman with two kids, who is, to put it nicely, a smidge frumpy, and he freaks out when another man touches him. Something doesn’t track. I wanna put Seacrest on the case.
Ryan introduces “your top 12.” Uh, they aren’t my top 12, kid. Best in show parade across the stage and they go by too fast for me to see the full on results of the makeovers, but I do see that Kevin and Taylor have different hairstyles. I guess Hicks is going to have to start keeping fruit in that Tupperware bowl he was using as a haircut guideline. Ryan intros the judges and Randy is still missing two fingers, Paula’s eyes have a warm honey glaze over them and Simon, as usual, is looking sideways, trying to gauge Paula’s level of incompetence. Ryan asks Paula how this year’s contestants differ from years past and she tries to answer the question as though this isn’t the 504th time it’s been asked. She has nothing of value to say, which leaves me to notice that the man sitting behind her looks like the dad from “Good Times.” Randy is definitely packing on the pounds. That lap band has to have broken by now. Simon gets asked how he thinks the 12 will cope with theme night. He clichés it up and Ryan says tonight is very special, because we’re here to honor the music of the legendary Stevie Wonder. You mean as opposed to the last three weeks when, with the exception of Elliott, you pissed all over it?
So we see a montage of photos of Stevie in action and Taylor Hicks furiously scribbling notes so he can copy some of the poses. Then we see Wonder led into a studio where the 12 serenade him with “Ma Cherie Amour.” Blindness is the only thing keeping him from turning around and running for the door. Kellie Pickler is crying because she thinks she’s going to have to sleep with him to be allowed to stay, since that’s how it’s usually done in her house. Chris could care less and looks bored. Elliott is crying, also, but I believe his tears. Katharine can’t wait to show Stevie how black she is on the inside. Stevie says one line and sounds like he’s on death’s door. I know he’s only 55, so does anyone know- is he sickly? If so, he better not listen to tonight’s show. I’m healthy and I’m already fearing for my immune system.
We’re starting with Ace, who is singing “Do I Do.” Okay, Ace, fine, don’t listen to me. He rubs Stevie’s back and tells Wonder the song was written when Ace was 2 years old. Stevie’s like- why are you touching me?- and Ace forgets that he doesn’t have to play with older men like he did when he first moved to Los Angeles. Best not to get too out of practice, though, Ace. You’ll probably need the skill again by December. Ace goes on to tell us that not only is Stevie battling blindness, but he’s battling life. And to illustrate this point, he touches his eye, as though to wipe a tear, and then looks at the finger, which leads me to believe he was clearing away an eye booger.
Ace comes out and is gayer than an Ungaro Spring frock. He tries to ape Mario’s movements from last season, but keeps that hand checking back in with his flat, washboard abs, since that’s his ticket. How many weeks before he starts pulling up that shirt? Now I see why Ace always gets so breathy. He can’t sing at all, otherwise. This song is much too low for his range and the notes are practically popping from his mouth surrounded by stink lines. I swear, if he’s the father of Katharine’s baby, she’s going to give birth to a 10 lb jar of Hellman’s mayonnaise. Ace finishes and we cut back to a shot of him, jazz hands out, shaking with adrenaline… or something. The audience goes apeshit until Randy Yo, yo’s them. Randy says it’s just a’ight, dawg and gets booed. Hey, he’s keepin’ it real. Paula, proving again she doesn’t know shit, loved it. Simon says Ace is lucky that the audience is easily pleased. He says it was manic and Ryan soul brother shakes his hand. Ace pimps himself to the audience and the ego is off and running.
Pickler is next and she says she’s not that familiar with Stevie Wonder’s music. Then why the fuck were you crying, you fake bitch?? She asks Stevie Wonder if he can tell she’s country and he tells her he thought she was from England. Dumb as a bag of rocks thought he was serious and was about to ask him what he thought of her outfit before they cut away. She’s singing “Blame it On the Sun,” and Stevie tries to soft soap it and says if Kellie works hard, she’ll be pretty good. Stevie fucking hates her and Kellie has no idea what to do, because she can’t rely on her body to get a man onto her side.
Kellie is flat on every end note. Every single one. If she weren’t so fucking clueless, you’d think she was doing it on purpose, it’s so precise. I do not want to hear this bitch complain about the genre, because this song couldn’t have been arranged better to fit her “style” than if the Dixie Chicks recorded it. It’s not like she’s singing “I Wish.” But you know the judges are gonna let her squeak by. She knows she sucked, so she’s trying to put on the dumb blonde thing. Randy does not like it, so Kellie Hee Haws it up. Kellie, shut the fuck up and let the judges talk. Ooh, the judges are being harsh. However, they know they can do it because Kellie has a fan base and it makes them look like they aren’t pimping. However, what’s the point when they have Seacrest take her over to have a chat so she can do her down home Minnie Pearl routine in order to regain some of her stature? Can’t they just let this dim bulb suck and leave the stage? Why does it always have to be a fucking Mandrell Sisters sketch afterwards? Ryan tells Kellie not to feel bad that Simon criticized her outfit, saying he isn’t much of a fashionista, himself. Pickler just shrugs, since she doesn’t know what that means. She points out her new eyelashes, probably made of minx. “I have fake eyelashes!” she brays. Perfect. They’ll match the rest of you. You know, that just steams the fuck out of me. The girl cannot sing. Her fucking pimp session was longer than her song. This is BULLSHIT!
Elliott is up next and I need to cleanse the palate and calm down before I watch him. His video with Stevie is truly touching and he already sounds amazing. Stevie had great things to say about him and they felt genuine, unlike with Pickler where you know he was thinking- she’s gotta have great tits, cause why else is she here? Elliott is singing “Knocks Me off My Feet” from Songs in the Key of Life. It’s not that exciting of a song, but Elliott is almost completely flawless, vocally. He gets better and better as the song goes on and this more than makes up for his misstep last week. They really need to just get rid of everyone else and do 11 weeks of Elliott and Mandisa. And the judges are assholes once again. Good but not great, no originality, last week was better. Just come out and say it- he’s not one of your pimp picks, so no matter what he does, it’s not going to be good enough. Ryan comes out and barely says a thing to Elliott, since we took up so much fucking time pimping that Pickler bitch and instead asks Simon what needs to be seen. Simon says everyone so far has missed the “wow” factor. Hmm… well, I disagree. I said wow to Ace and Kellie, as in “Wow, how the fuck are you two still in this competition?” And I said wow to Elliott, as in “Wow, you totally showed everyone what a real singer does.” Here’s another one. “Wow, Simon, you continue to shoot the good people down and pimp the ones you want to fuck. How much longer are you gonna get away with that?”
We’re back with Mandisa and she complains that her feet are killing her because her shoes hurt. Seacrest offers to take the shoes off Mandisa. Honey, you ain’t never gonna see those pumps again. Mandisa’s time with Stevie was nice and he seemed to like her. I am not thrilled with her song choice “Don’t You Worry ‘Bout a Thing.” I think it’s suited better to Paris’ limited talents and will not show off Mandisa’s full range. Again, should have listened to me. She would have torn it up on “For Once in My Life” or “Do I Do.” Well, let’s see. Bad beginning. The song is much too low for her range and she’s shaky and off-key all over the place. Mandisa, dammit!! Bad choice. She starts getting louder and it sounds better. She brings it home nicely, but overall, not a great performance. The judges love her and, like last week with Elliott, even when it’s someone I really like, if the praise isn’t deserved, I can’t truly be happy for them.
Ryan brings Mandisa’s shoes in with him, gives them to her, then takes them back and throws them into the audience. During the commercial, he scrambles into the first three rows and retrieves them. Hey, free shoes are free shoes.
Bucky is up next and he’s singing “Superstition.” This ought to be good. For a laugh. Bucky has never owned, or even heard, a Stevie Wonder album, but was turned onto “Superstition” and now wants to buy all of Stevie’s albums. He’ll probably start with the soundtrack to The Woman in Red cause there’s a hot piece on the cover. Bucky sings for Stevie and gets some constructive criticism. Anything other than “Leave the business, mush-mouth,” would be less than honest. Stevie tells Bucky when he gets excited, he goes a little sharp. Bucky’s going to work on that as if he knows what going sharp is.
Bucky’s new hair-do is a hair-don’t, but he sounds better than I could have ever expected. Stay out of the high end and you’ll be okay. Oops. I don’t think Bucky is ever going to have a week where you say- Man, that was good! But, like a retarded child, if they manage to put away the paste without eating half the jar, you’re pleased. Bucky just licked the outside of the lid tonight. Randy and Paula enjoyed the performance, while totally side-stepping the actual singing. Simon says it was Bucky’s best, but nix the Jessica Simpson hair. Indeed! Ryan makes a dumber than batshit hair extension joke and is so proud of himself, he can barely get the phone number out without giggling. I miss Dunkleman. Bucky laughs as though he has clue one as to what’s going on.
Ryan introduces Melissa McGhee as the girl who beat Ayla to the last spot on the girls’ side as though he can’t even believe it. Don’t remind me. She got her hair streaked and the make-up is toned down and even with a stylist, I still don’t get how this one was ever in a beauty pageant. Well, maybe Miss Lucky 2006. Melissa says she doesn’t feel like a superstar, but that she’s on a rollercoaster she doesn’t wanna get off of. Too bad. Again, she’s whining about vocal problems, cushioning us for what’s about to come next. We see her video and the dumb bitch manages to mess up Stevie’s lyric while holding the fucking lyric sheet in her hand and reading off of it. Even Pickler isn’t that stupid. Stevie totally calls her out on it and I’m surprised he didn’t take off his dark glasses and hand them to her. Melissa will be singing “Lately,” singing a ballad for the first time and wearing a dress for the first time. Maybe she won’t suck for the first time, either. She is wayyyyyyyy off-key and is fucking up the words left and right. I have to say, mid-point through the song, she does improve and manages to stay on-key through the rest of it. Not the worst vocal of the evening (Ace, Kellie) but pretty dull. I think the dullness will be her undoing, even though there are worse who should go before her (Ace, Kellie). Randy calls her out on the lyric fuck-up, but says she did a good job, vocally. Paula starts out with fashion advice, so you know she’s three sheets to the wind. Paula messes up some lyrics of her own and needs Randy’s help in pronouncing the word premonition. Simon says it was her best performance yet and Melissa apologizes again for messing up the lyrics. Moron.
Lisa Tucker is up next. I need to lie down for this, so I don’t pass out from boredom. Stevie Wonder can already tell that Natalie Cole doing the music of Doris Day has more soul than Lisa Tucker and asks her what kind of songs she likes to sing. She says “Whitney,” as though that’s an actual genre of music. Whitney is a crack ho, doll, she’s not a style of music. Stevie can’t stand hearing Lisa butcher his own songs anymore, so he makes her sing “I Am Nothing.” Unfortunately, Lisa will be torturing us with “Signed, Sealed, Delivered.” This performance takes the “Katharine McPhlatulence” award of the week (though to be fair, its namesake hasn’t yet performed), which is an award given to a white girl who thinks she has soul, and foolishly proceeds to attempt a song way out of her range and bleed it dry of any funk. What? You say Lisa is black? Are you sure? Really? Huh. Well, I guess that makes it even worse.
The judges have a new gal on the street. Park her on the corner of Sunset and What the Fuck, because she is being pimped like mad. Simon, once again proving he knows dick, says it was the best performance of the night and that Lisa took control of the stage. Umm, her feet didn’t move from the spot she planted them in from the first note.
This show is taking way too long and now I’m in a worse mood than before. Thankfully, Kevin Covais is up next and I can take my aggression out on his untalented ass. I just realized that when you just listen to Kevin speak and don’t look at him, he sounds a lot like Mike Teavee from the original (and good) version of Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. Kev has a new hairdo and a new ego to go with it. I guess he forgot the only reason he’s still here is a combination of cruelty and pity. Kevin points out that a lot of people have signs for him in the audience. And to punish that ego, Ryan has two of the sign makers come and present their billboard to Kevin. The girls are 11 and 5 and their sign says, among other things, Chicken Little Rocks. Still feeling cocky, Kevster?
Kevin is singing “Part Time Lover” and we see Stevie interacting with him. With more than a hint of smirk, Stevie says that Kevin has an “interesting” voice. Kevin actually sounds better than he has the whole competition. That doesn’t make him good, just less embarrassingly bad. Though watching him scramble across the stage like a bow-legged hen kind of cancels that out. Randy and Paula say that Kevin sang well and in tune, but Simon says it was appalling. I disagree. There were definitely worse performances (Ace, Kellie). Kevin back talks Simon and I see we have a new Scott Savol on our hands. Simon is not happy and look for no good words for Covais from him for the rest of the competition. That being said, Kevin definitely managed to land himself a spot in next week’s lineup.
Katharine McPhee is up next, wearing a dress from the original Stepford Wives wardrobe. No more jeans for her. They are trying to hide that fat ass. Katharine says that she would most like to work with Stevie Wonder out of anyone else in the business, which you know is a lie, because the person she most wants to work with is herself. McPhlatulence is singing another Aretha song, “Until You Come Back to Me,” because, as we all know, she interprets Re Re with such power and feeling and honesty. Get out your white bread, kids, cause here’s McFart. Looking at the material for Kat’s dress, I’m guessing some Armenian family must have gotten robbed of their drapes this week. Well, grudgingly I’ll say it’s the first time I didn’t hate her, ever. She still reminds me of Marie Osmond without the funk. Randy overpraises her, wildly. Paula follows suit and Simon pimp pimp pimp pimp pimps her. He compares her to Kelly Clarkson. NOT. Still, as much as it pains me to say, technically it was one of the better performances tonight. And Lisa Tucker handily wins the McPhlatulence tonight.
Taylor is up next and I don’t know if I have the energy for his bullshit. Stevie gives him lip service, but you can see him trying not to laugh while Taylor is singing. Tics will be singing “Living For the City.” He lets the backup singers do the lion’s share of the actual singing, while he yeahs and whoos and spazzes out. The band is drowning him out so loudly, I can barely hear any normal vocals. I’m still not buying his bullshit. None of the judges are actually addressing the vocals, probably because they couldn’t hear them. Instead they are talking about the fun of the performance. Paula hoists her coke cup and sees she finished off her gin three songs ago and smacks it back down on the table. Taylor is getting the full pimp talk show treatment with Seacrest.
Paris is next and I just can’t do it. Stevie likens her to a young Fantasia, as though that’s a compliment. Paris fakes some more tears and really needs to never leave the house again without makeup. Paris is singing “All I Do,” and tonight is wearing her Rudy Huxtable wig. She still can’t dress worth a damn, but her vocal has improved from past weeks. She’s better on the slow part than the more up-tempo sections, but I think that’s because she insists on doing her own version of the bobo. Oh, god, her ending stunk out loud, but for the most part, half-way decent. The judges love her up and pump air into that ego. Ryan comes out to interview her but apparently Miss Ross isn’t finished singing. She acapellas it instead of answering the questions, and gives a shout out to all her fans and the judges. I think Christina Crawford said it best- “I’m not one of your fans.”
Chris Daughtry is last. He had no idea Higher Ground was a Stevie Wonder song, he thought the Red Hot Chili Peppers wrote it. I swear these kids today have no knowledge of musical history. They don’t know anything before Madonna. Chris keeps putting his foot in his mouth by referencing the Peppers in front of Stevie and I wonder (no pun intended) if he knows how rudely that comes off.
It was a’ight. Better than last week and sounded decent. Chris just doesn’t excite me the way he used to, vocally. Randy, the moron, tells Chris he found a way to make the song his own, forgetting that 2 minutes ago they were just discussing the Chili Peppers version of the song that Chris pretty much lifted part and parcel. Randy says he was worried that Chris wouldn’t pull it off. Paula says she never worries, and why should she with a fifth of Seagram’s warming her insides? Simon calls it the only real world performance of the evening, whatever the hell that is and can imagine Chris having a hit with it. He did 14 years ago, Simon, in the guise of The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Are these judges on their cell phones during the video segments? Simon says Chris took a risk. Yeah, sure.
Okay, that was a fucking hell of a chore. No more two-hour shows!! My ranking from 1-12.
1- Elliott
2- Chris
3- Katharine
4- Mandisa
5- Kevin
6- Bucky
7- Paris
8- Taylor
9- Melissa
10- Lisa
11- Kellie
12- Ace
Who should go: Ace or Kellie
Who will go: Hard to say, because the three usual suspects all did better than expected. I’d still have to go with Melissa simply because I think her fan base is smaller. Dark horse is Lisa.
Again, I apologize for the lateness to all of you who emailed me or posted on other sites wondering where the re-cap was. Thanks for your patience and I hope it was worth it.
Seagulls out.
A’ight, so dude, so what’s goin’ down? Well, I’m here to tell you- it’s a new show to be done weekly before each episode of Idol. A sort of pre-show, if you will, hosted by Kimberly Caldwell, a finalist from Season 2, and some chick named Rosanna Tavarez, as her south of the border Ryan Dunkleman. The show is called “Idol Tonight,” and it’s on the TV Guide Channel. You know, that channel that has original programming, only it has to share the screen with an ever-scrolling list of what’s on television. When a network only gives you half a screen to begin with, how good can the show be? We’re about to find out.
Kimberly Caldwell is soooo excited to be here (insert obvious joke). It only takes her half a minute before she subtly reminds us that she was once a contestant, a finalist, on Idol. Let’s see how many times she tries to drop that into the conversation while hosting. I’ll be doing a running count. So far we’re at (1). Ah, okay, Rosanna Tavarez was the winner of the WB’s Pop Star. I guess we see how far THAT gig took her. She looks like she models herself after a young Melissa Rivers. Well, I suppose someone had to. (2) I think Kim and Ro’s mikes must be hand props because they are screaming into them. There’s a huge crowd of people waiting to get into the studio to watch the show and from the looks of them, I’m guessing they were giving out free Idol tickets with every Gordita Value Meal at Taco Bell. The gals start with a (what else) re-cap of the Top 12 contestants and they’re a little slow on the uptake, because they have no clips from last week’s shows. Not that I’m complaining, cause those shows sucked and it’s nice to remember the contestants when they sounded decent. Oh, wait… Scratch that. There’s Paris getting all bug-eyed, doing the crab dance and trying not to give us a jail-bait titty shot. Oh, right, she’s also kind of singing “Midnight Train to Georgia.” God, I had just about flushed that from my consciousness. Thanks, rotten TV Guide Channel. The montage of Ace shows him in the exact same position for each song, which is a head waggle, body slightly hunched over, right hand pressing gently against his heart, to make sure it’s still beating and that Ryan hasn’t stolen it away. Lisa Tucker sounds even worse and more flat in her re-caps.
Our first has-been, I mean special guest star, is from Season 3, John Peter Lewis. Kimberly screams some more and JP seems surprised anyone remembers him. JP likens being back on Idol to a high school reunion. You’re not on Idol, hon, you’re standing outside of it on the TV Guide Channel. While you’re speaking, tens of thousands of people are trying to decide if they want to watch Jeopardy or that episode of the Andy Griffith Show where Aunt Bea is beaten up and robbed on her way home from church. Kimberly reminds him she graduated a year before him (3). Someone please get Ms. Caldwell into Radio Shack, cause girlfriend needs a new volume button. Scream, scream, scream. Rosanna asks JP to give the Top 12 guys some advice, cause, you know, they watch the show. JP tells them to be true to themselves. Ryan Seacrest is watching backstage on a monitor and silently sends up a prayer that Ace takes this advice to heart. The gals ask JP what he’s up to these days and we find out that JP’s album will be out in a couple months and he’s going to be touring. Just the way he says it, you know he’s exaggerating the facts just a bit to not appear as a total loser. Not lying, per se, but making it sound just a wee bit better than it really is. K&R harangue the poor guy into dancing for them and I finally get a look at Caldwell’s outfit, a white Love Boat uniform vest, a blue bustier, black suspenders and my Uncle Morty’s Haband slacks. I know all I need to know about this dame and all I can say is it’s gonna be a long 11 weeks.
We’re back and it’s only 10 minutes into the show. Caldwell’s voice will never make it. The gals and JP discuss Chris Daughtry. They love him. Then we go to Paris. They comment about how wonderful her hair is. If you love it so much, you can order it out of a catalog. JP says Paris has an incredible voice and I can see what kind of show this is going to be and I’m not going to recap it if they aren’t going to get snarky. They keep going to Rosanna Tavarez to find someone in the crowd who likes Paris. Rosie slips a couple folks a sawbuck or two and they try and lie their way through some compliments. Maybe they were promised some favor from Jesus.
Kimberly asks JP why everyone loves Ace so much and Lewis tells us he’s heterosexual, but he’s attracted to Ace. Kimberly brays into the fake mike and says she thinks Simon is attracted to Ace, also. Notice- no mention of Ryan.
Back from the break and Rosanna is interviewing Roger Love, a vocal coach. Roger is being as slightly snarky as the show will allow him. He says Katharine needs to find songs that will help her find her own style. Of Taylor, he says people love imperfection and Taylor is taking it to an art form. I’m already nominating him as new host of Idol Tonight. Caldwell interviews three fat chicks who WHOO it up for their boy Taylor. She asks the middle one if she’d like to go out on a date with Taylor and homegirl stops munching on her Gordita long enough to go “Yeah, that would be…great.” But not as great as sour cream and beef.
Kimberly manages to pick a total gay boy to talk about the virtues of Kellie Pickler. Talk about not knowing your audience! This kid is screaming worse than Jm J. Bullock and she’s asking him why he likes Kellie. He wants to wear her like a mink.
This show is so dreadful. If I were watching it live, I would have turned to the PTL Club, which I see was playing last night at the same time (Thanks, TV Guide Channel!!) for a good laugh. They talk about Mandisa and say all good things. Then they discuss Elliott and show a clip of him singing “Heaven.” Caldwell makes the following statement.
“You know, even with such a cool song, he still manages to pull it off and sound really great.”
I’m just curious, how long did this moron last on Idol? And did anyone just haul off and belt her one during the season?
Ugh, back from commercial and we’re with Shawna Malcom from TV Guide, who is probably here to personally deliver pink slips to both Kimberly and Rosanna. They discuss Lisa Tucker and Shawna says Lisa has an inner rock chick and has been writing rock songs for years and really wants to get to perform them out here. Well, I’m up for a laugh, so why not? That girl is about as rock chick as Katharine McPhee is a soul diva.
God, TV Guide is sooo pimping Lisa. Okay, now we’re on to Bucky and this should be good. Shawna has interviewed Bucky and he is so genuine and down to earth. He told her he wakes up every morning and goes “Where am I?” Shawna, honey, it’s obvious from your outfit and hairstyle that you’re a wee bit sheltered. We’ll explain it to you later. Kimberly is with a Bucky fan, some middle aged moo with a hand painted sign that says “We Love Bucky ‘Tea Biscuit” Covington.” Huh? Moo woman goes on to explain that Bucky’s favorite foods are sweet tea and biscuits. Umm, here’s a tip, Bucky fans. If you’re trying to help your boy advance, it’s probably not a good idea to give him a nickname that so closely resembles resting someone’s scrotum on your face.
We’re treated to a shot of Melissa from last week. The poor thing looks like someone’s left her cake out in the rain. With all that make-up and hair wilting, she looks even worse than I remembered. John Peter Lewis is back and he and Kimberly are trying very hard to find something nice to say about Kevin Covais. Since they can’t, they go to the audience and find a mother-daughter team that I wish I had a screen cap of. Mom has her blouse half undone, with a red and platinum Tiffany Taylor hair-do and her daughter wants to marry Kevin Covais. Hey everyone, free Idol audience tickets with every WIC check!!
We’re coming to the end and we’ve been being promised some never before seen footage of Simon trashing the singers, but first it’s Steve Buscemi’s illegitimate son, Eric Millegan from a show no one watches called “Bones,” who’s probably there because they couldn’t get the second kid from that Michael Rapaport sitcom to appear. So the promised footage is not of Simon, but of the countless rejects complaining to the camera during the audition process. I hate the TV Guide Channel and this show sucks. No more re-caps of it. On to the real show.
Ryan is in the barn and he’s wearing another tie. He pimps the new surroundings and then takes us on a “journey” of all the idols so far. Wow, didn’t see that one coming. I’ve been on this journey so many times, I no longer need to leave breadcrumbs to find my way out. I HATE this time wasting shit. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to get nostalgic for the journey if we take a rest stop every mile and reminisce about it??
I’m cranky because this is late and the TV Guide channel put me in a bitchy mood and Kimberly Caldwell isn’t around to verbally abuse and I miss Ayla and I’m moody. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Is it me or does every Idol coming out of the audition room look fake and coached? Now that I’ve gotten to know them (figuratively), I don’t buy these tears. I want to get down to the bottom of Chris’ marriage. He’s 26, he married an older woman with two kids, who is, to put it nicely, a smidge frumpy, and he freaks out when another man touches him. Something doesn’t track. I wanna put Seacrest on the case.
Ryan introduces “your top 12.” Uh, they aren’t my top 12, kid. Best in show parade across the stage and they go by too fast for me to see the full on results of the makeovers, but I do see that Kevin and Taylor have different hairstyles. I guess Hicks is going to have to start keeping fruit in that Tupperware bowl he was using as a haircut guideline. Ryan intros the judges and Randy is still missing two fingers, Paula’s eyes have a warm honey glaze over them and Simon, as usual, is looking sideways, trying to gauge Paula’s level of incompetence. Ryan asks Paula how this year’s contestants differ from years past and she tries to answer the question as though this isn’t the 504th time it’s been asked. She has nothing of value to say, which leaves me to notice that the man sitting behind her looks like the dad from “Good Times.” Randy is definitely packing on the pounds. That lap band has to have broken by now. Simon gets asked how he thinks the 12 will cope with theme night. He clichés it up and Ryan says tonight is very special, because we’re here to honor the music of the legendary Stevie Wonder. You mean as opposed to the last three weeks when, with the exception of Elliott, you pissed all over it?
So we see a montage of photos of Stevie in action and Taylor Hicks furiously scribbling notes so he can copy some of the poses. Then we see Wonder led into a studio where the 12 serenade him with “Ma Cherie Amour.” Blindness is the only thing keeping him from turning around and running for the door. Kellie Pickler is crying because she thinks she’s going to have to sleep with him to be allowed to stay, since that’s how it’s usually done in her house. Chris could care less and looks bored. Elliott is crying, also, but I believe his tears. Katharine can’t wait to show Stevie how black she is on the inside. Stevie says one line and sounds like he’s on death’s door. I know he’s only 55, so does anyone know- is he sickly? If so, he better not listen to tonight’s show. I’m healthy and I’m already fearing for my immune system.
We’re starting with Ace, who is singing “Do I Do.” Okay, Ace, fine, don’t listen to me. He rubs Stevie’s back and tells Wonder the song was written when Ace was 2 years old. Stevie’s like- why are you touching me?- and Ace forgets that he doesn’t have to play with older men like he did when he first moved to Los Angeles. Best not to get too out of practice, though, Ace. You’ll probably need the skill again by December. Ace goes on to tell us that not only is Stevie battling blindness, but he’s battling life. And to illustrate this point, he touches his eye, as though to wipe a tear, and then looks at the finger, which leads me to believe he was clearing away an eye booger.
Ace comes out and is gayer than an Ungaro Spring frock. He tries to ape Mario’s movements from last season, but keeps that hand checking back in with his flat, washboard abs, since that’s his ticket. How many weeks before he starts pulling up that shirt? Now I see why Ace always gets so breathy. He can’t sing at all, otherwise. This song is much too low for his range and the notes are practically popping from his mouth surrounded by stink lines. I swear, if he’s the father of Katharine’s baby, she’s going to give birth to a 10 lb jar of Hellman’s mayonnaise. Ace finishes and we cut back to a shot of him, jazz hands out, shaking with adrenaline… or something. The audience goes apeshit until Randy Yo, yo’s them. Randy says it’s just a’ight, dawg and gets booed. Hey, he’s keepin’ it real. Paula, proving again she doesn’t know shit, loved it. Simon says Ace is lucky that the audience is easily pleased. He says it was manic and Ryan soul brother shakes his hand. Ace pimps himself to the audience and the ego is off and running.
Pickler is next and she says she’s not that familiar with Stevie Wonder’s music. Then why the fuck were you crying, you fake bitch?? She asks Stevie Wonder if he can tell she’s country and he tells her he thought she was from England. Dumb as a bag of rocks thought he was serious and was about to ask him what he thought of her outfit before they cut away. She’s singing “Blame it On the Sun,” and Stevie tries to soft soap it and says if Kellie works hard, she’ll be pretty good. Stevie fucking hates her and Kellie has no idea what to do, because she can’t rely on her body to get a man onto her side.
Kellie is flat on every end note. Every single one. If she weren’t so fucking clueless, you’d think she was doing it on purpose, it’s so precise. I do not want to hear this bitch complain about the genre, because this song couldn’t have been arranged better to fit her “style” than if the Dixie Chicks recorded it. It’s not like she’s singing “I Wish.” But you know the judges are gonna let her squeak by. She knows she sucked, so she’s trying to put on the dumb blonde thing. Randy does not like it, so Kellie Hee Haws it up. Kellie, shut the fuck up and let the judges talk. Ooh, the judges are being harsh. However, they know they can do it because Kellie has a fan base and it makes them look like they aren’t pimping. However, what’s the point when they have Seacrest take her over to have a chat so she can do her down home Minnie Pearl routine in order to regain some of her stature? Can’t they just let this dim bulb suck and leave the stage? Why does it always have to be a fucking Mandrell Sisters sketch afterwards? Ryan tells Kellie not to feel bad that Simon criticized her outfit, saying he isn’t much of a fashionista, himself. Pickler just shrugs, since she doesn’t know what that means. She points out her new eyelashes, probably made of minx. “I have fake eyelashes!” she brays. Perfect. They’ll match the rest of you. You know, that just steams the fuck out of me. The girl cannot sing. Her fucking pimp session was longer than her song. This is BULLSHIT!
Elliott is up next and I need to cleanse the palate and calm down before I watch him. His video with Stevie is truly touching and he already sounds amazing. Stevie had great things to say about him and they felt genuine, unlike with Pickler where you know he was thinking- she’s gotta have great tits, cause why else is she here? Elliott is singing “Knocks Me off My Feet” from Songs in the Key of Life. It’s not that exciting of a song, but Elliott is almost completely flawless, vocally. He gets better and better as the song goes on and this more than makes up for his misstep last week. They really need to just get rid of everyone else and do 11 weeks of Elliott and Mandisa. And the judges are assholes once again. Good but not great, no originality, last week was better. Just come out and say it- he’s not one of your pimp picks, so no matter what he does, it’s not going to be good enough. Ryan comes out and barely says a thing to Elliott, since we took up so much fucking time pimping that Pickler bitch and instead asks Simon what needs to be seen. Simon says everyone so far has missed the “wow” factor. Hmm… well, I disagree. I said wow to Ace and Kellie, as in “Wow, how the fuck are you two still in this competition?” And I said wow to Elliott, as in “Wow, you totally showed everyone what a real singer does.” Here’s another one. “Wow, Simon, you continue to shoot the good people down and pimp the ones you want to fuck. How much longer are you gonna get away with that?”
We’re back with Mandisa and she complains that her feet are killing her because her shoes hurt. Seacrest offers to take the shoes off Mandisa. Honey, you ain’t never gonna see those pumps again. Mandisa’s time with Stevie was nice and he seemed to like her. I am not thrilled with her song choice “Don’t You Worry ‘Bout a Thing.” I think it’s suited better to Paris’ limited talents and will not show off Mandisa’s full range. Again, should have listened to me. She would have torn it up on “For Once in My Life” or “Do I Do.” Well, let’s see. Bad beginning. The song is much too low for her range and she’s shaky and off-key all over the place. Mandisa, dammit!! Bad choice. She starts getting louder and it sounds better. She brings it home nicely, but overall, not a great performance. The judges love her and, like last week with Elliott, even when it’s someone I really like, if the praise isn’t deserved, I can’t truly be happy for them.
Ryan brings Mandisa’s shoes in with him, gives them to her, then takes them back and throws them into the audience. During the commercial, he scrambles into the first three rows and retrieves them. Hey, free shoes are free shoes.
Bucky is up next and he’s singing “Superstition.” This ought to be good. For a laugh. Bucky has never owned, or even heard, a Stevie Wonder album, but was turned onto “Superstition” and now wants to buy all of Stevie’s albums. He’ll probably start with the soundtrack to The Woman in Red cause there’s a hot piece on the cover. Bucky sings for Stevie and gets some constructive criticism. Anything other than “Leave the business, mush-mouth,” would be less than honest. Stevie tells Bucky when he gets excited, he goes a little sharp. Bucky’s going to work on that as if he knows what going sharp is.
Bucky’s new hair-do is a hair-don’t, but he sounds better than I could have ever expected. Stay out of the high end and you’ll be okay. Oops. I don’t think Bucky is ever going to have a week where you say- Man, that was good! But, like a retarded child, if they manage to put away the paste without eating half the jar, you’re pleased. Bucky just licked the outside of the lid tonight. Randy and Paula enjoyed the performance, while totally side-stepping the actual singing. Simon says it was Bucky’s best, but nix the Jessica Simpson hair. Indeed! Ryan makes a dumber than batshit hair extension joke and is so proud of himself, he can barely get the phone number out without giggling. I miss Dunkleman. Bucky laughs as though he has clue one as to what’s going on.
Ryan introduces Melissa McGhee as the girl who beat Ayla to the last spot on the girls’ side as though he can’t even believe it. Don’t remind me. She got her hair streaked and the make-up is toned down and even with a stylist, I still don’t get how this one was ever in a beauty pageant. Well, maybe Miss Lucky 2006. Melissa says she doesn’t feel like a superstar, but that she’s on a rollercoaster she doesn’t wanna get off of. Too bad. Again, she’s whining about vocal problems, cushioning us for what’s about to come next. We see her video and the dumb bitch manages to mess up Stevie’s lyric while holding the fucking lyric sheet in her hand and reading off of it. Even Pickler isn’t that stupid. Stevie totally calls her out on it and I’m surprised he didn’t take off his dark glasses and hand them to her. Melissa will be singing “Lately,” singing a ballad for the first time and wearing a dress for the first time. Maybe she won’t suck for the first time, either. She is wayyyyyyyy off-key and is fucking up the words left and right. I have to say, mid-point through the song, she does improve and manages to stay on-key through the rest of it. Not the worst vocal of the evening (Ace, Kellie) but pretty dull. I think the dullness will be her undoing, even though there are worse who should go before her (Ace, Kellie). Randy calls her out on the lyric fuck-up, but says she did a good job, vocally. Paula starts out with fashion advice, so you know she’s three sheets to the wind. Paula messes up some lyrics of her own and needs Randy’s help in pronouncing the word premonition. Simon says it was her best performance yet and Melissa apologizes again for messing up the lyrics. Moron.
Lisa Tucker is up next. I need to lie down for this, so I don’t pass out from boredom. Stevie Wonder can already tell that Natalie Cole doing the music of Doris Day has more soul than Lisa Tucker and asks her what kind of songs she likes to sing. She says “Whitney,” as though that’s an actual genre of music. Whitney is a crack ho, doll, she’s not a style of music. Stevie can’t stand hearing Lisa butcher his own songs anymore, so he makes her sing “I Am Nothing.” Unfortunately, Lisa will be torturing us with “Signed, Sealed, Delivered.” This performance takes the “Katharine McPhlatulence” award of the week (though to be fair, its namesake hasn’t yet performed), which is an award given to a white girl who thinks she has soul, and foolishly proceeds to attempt a song way out of her range and bleed it dry of any funk. What? You say Lisa is black? Are you sure? Really? Huh. Well, I guess that makes it even worse.
The judges have a new gal on the street. Park her on the corner of Sunset and What the Fuck, because she is being pimped like mad. Simon, once again proving he knows dick, says it was the best performance of the night and that Lisa took control of the stage. Umm, her feet didn’t move from the spot she planted them in from the first note.
This show is taking way too long and now I’m in a worse mood than before. Thankfully, Kevin Covais is up next and I can take my aggression out on his untalented ass. I just realized that when you just listen to Kevin speak and don’t look at him, he sounds a lot like Mike Teavee from the original (and good) version of Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. Kev has a new hairdo and a new ego to go with it. I guess he forgot the only reason he’s still here is a combination of cruelty and pity. Kevin points out that a lot of people have signs for him in the audience. And to punish that ego, Ryan has two of the sign makers come and present their billboard to Kevin. The girls are 11 and 5 and their sign says, among other things, Chicken Little Rocks. Still feeling cocky, Kevster?
Kevin is singing “Part Time Lover” and we see Stevie interacting with him. With more than a hint of smirk, Stevie says that Kevin has an “interesting” voice. Kevin actually sounds better than he has the whole competition. That doesn’t make him good, just less embarrassingly bad. Though watching him scramble across the stage like a bow-legged hen kind of cancels that out. Randy and Paula say that Kevin sang well and in tune, but Simon says it was appalling. I disagree. There were definitely worse performances (Ace, Kellie). Kevin back talks Simon and I see we have a new Scott Savol on our hands. Simon is not happy and look for no good words for Covais from him for the rest of the competition. That being said, Kevin definitely managed to land himself a spot in next week’s lineup.
Katharine McPhee is up next, wearing a dress from the original Stepford Wives wardrobe. No more jeans for her. They are trying to hide that fat ass. Katharine says that she would most like to work with Stevie Wonder out of anyone else in the business, which you know is a lie, because the person she most wants to work with is herself. McPhlatulence is singing another Aretha song, “Until You Come Back to Me,” because, as we all know, she interprets Re Re with such power and feeling and honesty. Get out your white bread, kids, cause here’s McFart. Looking at the material for Kat’s dress, I’m guessing some Armenian family must have gotten robbed of their drapes this week. Well, grudgingly I’ll say it’s the first time I didn’t hate her, ever. She still reminds me of Marie Osmond without the funk. Randy overpraises her, wildly. Paula follows suit and Simon pimp pimp pimp pimp pimps her. He compares her to Kelly Clarkson. NOT. Still, as much as it pains me to say, technically it was one of the better performances tonight. And Lisa Tucker handily wins the McPhlatulence tonight.
Taylor is up next and I don’t know if I have the energy for his bullshit. Stevie gives him lip service, but you can see him trying not to laugh while Taylor is singing. Tics will be singing “Living For the City.” He lets the backup singers do the lion’s share of the actual singing, while he yeahs and whoos and spazzes out. The band is drowning him out so loudly, I can barely hear any normal vocals. I’m still not buying his bullshit. None of the judges are actually addressing the vocals, probably because they couldn’t hear them. Instead they are talking about the fun of the performance. Paula hoists her coke cup and sees she finished off her gin three songs ago and smacks it back down on the table. Taylor is getting the full pimp talk show treatment with Seacrest.
Paris is next and I just can’t do it. Stevie likens her to a young Fantasia, as though that’s a compliment. Paris fakes some more tears and really needs to never leave the house again without makeup. Paris is singing “All I Do,” and tonight is wearing her Rudy Huxtable wig. She still can’t dress worth a damn, but her vocal has improved from past weeks. She’s better on the slow part than the more up-tempo sections, but I think that’s because she insists on doing her own version of the bobo. Oh, god, her ending stunk out loud, but for the most part, half-way decent. The judges love her up and pump air into that ego. Ryan comes out to interview her but apparently Miss Ross isn’t finished singing. She acapellas it instead of answering the questions, and gives a shout out to all her fans and the judges. I think Christina Crawford said it best- “I’m not one of your fans.”
Chris Daughtry is last. He had no idea Higher Ground was a Stevie Wonder song, he thought the Red Hot Chili Peppers wrote it. I swear these kids today have no knowledge of musical history. They don’t know anything before Madonna. Chris keeps putting his foot in his mouth by referencing the Peppers in front of Stevie and I wonder (no pun intended) if he knows how rudely that comes off.
It was a’ight. Better than last week and sounded decent. Chris just doesn’t excite me the way he used to, vocally. Randy, the moron, tells Chris he found a way to make the song his own, forgetting that 2 minutes ago they were just discussing the Chili Peppers version of the song that Chris pretty much lifted part and parcel. Randy says he was worried that Chris wouldn’t pull it off. Paula says she never worries, and why should she with a fifth of Seagram’s warming her insides? Simon calls it the only real world performance of the evening, whatever the hell that is and can imagine Chris having a hit with it. He did 14 years ago, Simon, in the guise of The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Are these judges on their cell phones during the video segments? Simon says Chris took a risk. Yeah, sure.
Okay, that was a fucking hell of a chore. No more two-hour shows!! My ranking from 1-12.
1- Elliott
2- Chris
3- Katharine
4- Mandisa
5- Kevin
6- Bucky
7- Paris
8- Taylor
9- Melissa
10- Lisa
11- Kellie
12- Ace
Who should go: Ace or Kellie
Who will go: Hard to say, because the three usual suspects all did better than expected. I’d still have to go with Melissa simply because I think her fan base is smaller. Dark horse is Lisa.
Again, I apologize for the lateness to all of you who emailed me or posted on other sites wondering where the re-cap was. Thanks for your patience and I hope it was worth it.
Seagulls out.
posted by kieran at 12:09 PM
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