Hearing Loss Epidemic Sweeps the Nation!! AI Re-cap 3/9
Thanks to a fairly reliable gossip source, the rumor today is that both the guys and the girls will contain one shocker each in the pair that will be going home. I’ve been so worried about my boy Elliott, that I’m watching the show live and pausing to do commentary. I know Mandisa isn’t going home, so I don’t care about any of the other women, except maybe Ayla, but Elliott doesn’t have quite the same amount of full-on support.
Seacrest yaps while we pan the 16 survivors. I have noticed that Chris, Kinnik and Ace have the same expressions on their faces while standing still every time the camera is on them. Chris tries to look irritated and bad-ass, Kinnik has a weird lip thing going on like she sort of had enough money for collagen in part of one lip, but had to go to a veterinarian to get it done and Ace is so sincere, he’s like Dondi with a beanie. Paris has one of those new, trendy chocolate fountains sprouting from her head. The things this gal can do with a spare weave and a Topsy-Tail are endless. Mandisa is wearing a tri-cornered hat and one of Shelley Winters’ old bustiers. Taylor’s head is tilted to the side, as though he’s listening for the ghost of Ray Charles. And Melissa knows she’s going home.
Seacrest is working some very closely manscaped stubble and he shows us the 12 seats on the side for the finalists to sit in. If I had to plant my ass on one of those Ikea specials for an hour, I think I’d rather get voted out. Ryan says next week, we’ll be moving to a new stage and the contestants will be getting stylists. Expect Daisy Dukes on Kellie and if Kevin and Ayla make it through, I’m sure at least one of them will be in overalls, rolling a hoop. Seacrest tries to joke that the judges have no stylists and puts his size 6 Aldo right in his mouth, forgetting about Paula. Ms. Abdul is flying, baby. She didn’t even notice. Expect some nutty haiku out of that one about fish n chips and blue zebra.
We get the usual meow-meow recaps and then Seacrest introduces Bo Bice. Bo is looking thin and stringy, but I know he’s been ill with that intestinal thing. I am surprised to hear his album is almost platinum, because I didn’t think it was even selling that well. Ryan reminds us that Bo has a son and that he had to move because, thanks to the idiot producers showing his house on tee vee, he has stalkers. I hope they paid for the relocation. Bo will be singing “The Real Thing,” which is the one song on his album I actually like. Now, I am a humongous Bo fan. I love him to death. But longhair was not good tonight. He sang in a key lower than the song is usually done in and then screeched a bit toward the end. I wonder if he’s still sickly. We know he can sing live, we saw him do it 15 times last year. Bo is left all sweaty and I think he is under the weather. The judges can’t even be bothered to watch.
Back from the break and Ryan is starting out with the gals. Katharine has a superior puss on and Ayla looks devastated. We start with Lisa, who is nervous. She does not… have the lowest amount of votes. Neither does Melissa. Ayla turns even whiter, next to her. Ayla is safe (for now) and the chain reaction of doom passes like a virus down to Kinnik. Ryan just blurts out Kinnik’s loser status and it happens so fast, Kinnik doesn’t have time to tell her lips to move. She just sort of hangs there, frozen. Ryan is a bitch when he’s in love. Kinnik is classy and wonderful and I hope she finds what’s she’s looking for in her career. Kinnik rocks her song way better tonight than last night and I can’t help thinking that if her grandmother was Ann Nesby, she’d still be there.
Ryan has the guys on the couch and he goes to Ace (duh) for a boring anecdote. Ace misses his cue because he’s busy thinking of his dead puppy so his eyes can look all soulful. Ryan starts out with Kevin and he does not have the lowest. Immediately, my eyes go to the fourth person in position and it’s Elliott. I cannot believe how nervous I am for him. Gedeon, safe. Bucky, safe. Elliott… Ryan is milking this harder than he would Ace’s groin…. Safe. Will Makar is going home. Damn, and just before they got a stylist to do something with his putrid hairstyle. Ryan asks Will what he’s learned and instead of telling it like it is- that some people are gonna get pimped no matter how much they suck- Will says he feels like he’s improved from the auditions.
He hasn’t.
Paula all but pops out a breast and flaps it at Will. Randy gives Will nothing of value and Simon tells him in a veiled manner, don’t give up your day job. I am not sitting through Pat Boone-lite singing again.
This is gonna be a quick re-cap tonight, and not very entertaining. Sorry, folks. Can’t have Brenna Gethers to kick around every week.
Ryan starts with Paris and she’s already grinning because she’s one of the chosen people, Moses with a jheri-curl bounce. Paris is wearing the dress Kim “Tootie” Fields wore to the Xanadu premiere party back in 1980. I think if a stylist is going to take up Paris’ cause, he’s gonna have to start from the beginning. No, I don’t mean underwear, I mean snatching an egg from her mother’s womb and growing someone with one ounce of fashion sense. Paris runs across the stage like she’s just beaten Apollo Creed. She sticks a hoof in the air. Slight cankling going on there. Ryan asks Paris if it feels good sitting over there. Her response:
”It do.”
Hey Paris, I hear Jesus hates people who use bad grammar, so speak correctly, for fuck’s sake.
Katharine and her ego, which she stores in the ass of her jeans, are safe. Or as Ryan put it, “No surprise there.” Everybody wants to be a pimp. Kellie Pickler sails through and almost knocks Mandisa’s hat off. Melissa looks like she just smelled Katharine’s fart. Kellie goes across the stage to join Paris and Katharine in the unholy trinity of bitchdom. “Ryan, I ain’t nevah had no humble pie before.”
Lisa gets through, which leaves Ayla and Melissa. Why do I have the feeling Ayla is going? And she is. Totally unfair. The ladies just lost the only other talented singer besides Mandisa. At this point, I have wished everything upon Paris but the plague. But hey, it’s early in the season still.
Ayla is really broken up about this and is trying hard to keep it together. I feel terrible for her. She did not deserve this. I blame the judges for forcing her into thinking that what she had been doing the past two weeks wasn’t good enough. But, they had their agendas and they pushed them and pushed them to get their choices to squeak by. Of course, Ryan is talking and talking and talking and making it 100 times worse. Shut the fuck up, asshole. He asks Ayla what she learned being out here more than anything and she ought to have said- “To believe in myself and not let dumb advice sway me from doing what I know is right.” Instead it was something about passion that really made no point, but she’s barely holding on to it at this point. Ryan is working overtime to get Ayla to buy into his Dr. Phil bullshit and she just won’t even acknowledge him. You got dealt a bum deal, baby. Simon basically admits to Ayla it was the song that sent her home, but of course, doesn’t dare admit his part in it. I so want her to tell him the song was his doing. I can’t even watch her sing, cause I feel so bad.
Ryan skips right to the guys and starts with Taylor. Get ready for a canted angle, Mr. Cameraman, cause Taylor is sure to bend himself into the letter C. Taylor lets out a whoop so sustained, that someone drives by and throws a bag of garbage at his feet in hopes he’ll shed a tear.
Ace is safe, further proving this has nothing to do with being a singing competition.
Chris is safe and apparently there was no offer from Fuel because Daughtry is so happy, he actually lets Ryan touch him.
They are starting with Kevin, which means he’s safe. Never underestimate the power of the Grandma. Those old people love themselves three things- an early bird special, double absorbent Depends and Kevin Covais. At this point, expect to see Chicken Little invited on to SNL where he’ll do a sketch in bed with The Golden Girls. Tho ridiculoth.
Elliot is at the end of the couch, which means he’s in danger of going home. Hold the phone, the Brittenum twins are out of jail and in the audience. Did I not predict weeks ago that Nigel had paid their bail? Ryan, don’t fucking waste time on them when three legitimate people are waiting to hear their fates. Well, two legitimate people and Bucky.
YEAHHHHHH Elliott is safe, which means Bucky is going home.
The commercials threaten that next on FOX will be the best O.C. yet. Does this mean they’re going to show 60 minutes of a test pattern?
Well, never underestimate the hillbilly vote. Lots of pre-paid cell phones must have been purchased at the 7-11 last night, because Bucky lives to see another week. Now THAT is shocking. Gedeon deserved to be there. While Gedeon sings, we get a shot of Paris crying because she realizes she will now have to fit the role as the only black male on the show. She uses her left weave to blow her nose and then we see a montage of the four losers and their journeys. I’m calling the LA Sheriff’s Department tomorrow to have a restraining order taken out against the Brittenum Twins. They have to remain 500 miles from me at all times. Since I live less than 10 miles from the theater, that ought to cover it and then some.
Okay, readers, no more Mr. Nice Guy. I am a fan scorned. I have my guns loaded for next week. It will not be pretty, I can promise you that. Seagulls out.
Seacrest yaps while we pan the 16 survivors. I have noticed that Chris, Kinnik and Ace have the same expressions on their faces while standing still every time the camera is on them. Chris tries to look irritated and bad-ass, Kinnik has a weird lip thing going on like she sort of had enough money for collagen in part of one lip, but had to go to a veterinarian to get it done and Ace is so sincere, he’s like Dondi with a beanie. Paris has one of those new, trendy chocolate fountains sprouting from her head. The things this gal can do with a spare weave and a Topsy-Tail are endless. Mandisa is wearing a tri-cornered hat and one of Shelley Winters’ old bustiers. Taylor’s head is tilted to the side, as though he’s listening for the ghost of Ray Charles. And Melissa knows she’s going home.
Seacrest is working some very closely manscaped stubble and he shows us the 12 seats on the side for the finalists to sit in. If I had to plant my ass on one of those Ikea specials for an hour, I think I’d rather get voted out. Ryan says next week, we’ll be moving to a new stage and the contestants will be getting stylists. Expect Daisy Dukes on Kellie and if Kevin and Ayla make it through, I’m sure at least one of them will be in overalls, rolling a hoop. Seacrest tries to joke that the judges have no stylists and puts his size 6 Aldo right in his mouth, forgetting about Paula. Ms. Abdul is flying, baby. She didn’t even notice. Expect some nutty haiku out of that one about fish n chips and blue zebra.
We get the usual meow-meow recaps and then Seacrest introduces Bo Bice. Bo is looking thin and stringy, but I know he’s been ill with that intestinal thing. I am surprised to hear his album is almost platinum, because I didn’t think it was even selling that well. Ryan reminds us that Bo has a son and that he had to move because, thanks to the idiot producers showing his house on tee vee, he has stalkers. I hope they paid for the relocation. Bo will be singing “The Real Thing,” which is the one song on his album I actually like. Now, I am a humongous Bo fan. I love him to death. But longhair was not good tonight. He sang in a key lower than the song is usually done in and then screeched a bit toward the end. I wonder if he’s still sickly. We know he can sing live, we saw him do it 15 times last year. Bo is left all sweaty and I think he is under the weather. The judges can’t even be bothered to watch.
Back from the break and Ryan is starting out with the gals. Katharine has a superior puss on and Ayla looks devastated. We start with Lisa, who is nervous. She does not… have the lowest amount of votes. Neither does Melissa. Ayla turns even whiter, next to her. Ayla is safe (for now) and the chain reaction of doom passes like a virus down to Kinnik. Ryan just blurts out Kinnik’s loser status and it happens so fast, Kinnik doesn’t have time to tell her lips to move. She just sort of hangs there, frozen. Ryan is a bitch when he’s in love. Kinnik is classy and wonderful and I hope she finds what’s she’s looking for in her career. Kinnik rocks her song way better tonight than last night and I can’t help thinking that if her grandmother was Ann Nesby, she’d still be there.
Ryan has the guys on the couch and he goes to Ace (duh) for a boring anecdote. Ace misses his cue because he’s busy thinking of his dead puppy so his eyes can look all soulful. Ryan starts out with Kevin and he does not have the lowest. Immediately, my eyes go to the fourth person in position and it’s Elliott. I cannot believe how nervous I am for him. Gedeon, safe. Bucky, safe. Elliott… Ryan is milking this harder than he would Ace’s groin…. Safe. Will Makar is going home. Damn, and just before they got a stylist to do something with his putrid hairstyle. Ryan asks Will what he’s learned and instead of telling it like it is- that some people are gonna get pimped no matter how much they suck- Will says he feels like he’s improved from the auditions.
He hasn’t.
Paula all but pops out a breast and flaps it at Will. Randy gives Will nothing of value and Simon tells him in a veiled manner, don’t give up your day job. I am not sitting through Pat Boone-lite singing again.
This is gonna be a quick re-cap tonight, and not very entertaining. Sorry, folks. Can’t have Brenna Gethers to kick around every week.
Ryan starts with Paris and she’s already grinning because she’s one of the chosen people, Moses with a jheri-curl bounce. Paris is wearing the dress Kim “Tootie” Fields wore to the Xanadu premiere party back in 1980. I think if a stylist is going to take up Paris’ cause, he’s gonna have to start from the beginning. No, I don’t mean underwear, I mean snatching an egg from her mother’s womb and growing someone with one ounce of fashion sense. Paris runs across the stage like she’s just beaten Apollo Creed. She sticks a hoof in the air. Slight cankling going on there. Ryan asks Paris if it feels good sitting over there. Her response:
”It do.”
Hey Paris, I hear Jesus hates people who use bad grammar, so speak correctly, for fuck’s sake.
Katharine and her ego, which she stores in the ass of her jeans, are safe. Or as Ryan put it, “No surprise there.” Everybody wants to be a pimp. Kellie Pickler sails through and almost knocks Mandisa’s hat off. Melissa looks like she just smelled Katharine’s fart. Kellie goes across the stage to join Paris and Katharine in the unholy trinity of bitchdom. “Ryan, I ain’t nevah had no humble pie before.”
Lisa gets through, which leaves Ayla and Melissa. Why do I have the feeling Ayla is going? And she is. Totally unfair. The ladies just lost the only other talented singer besides Mandisa. At this point, I have wished everything upon Paris but the plague. But hey, it’s early in the season still.
Ayla is really broken up about this and is trying hard to keep it together. I feel terrible for her. She did not deserve this. I blame the judges for forcing her into thinking that what she had been doing the past two weeks wasn’t good enough. But, they had their agendas and they pushed them and pushed them to get their choices to squeak by. Of course, Ryan is talking and talking and talking and making it 100 times worse. Shut the fuck up, asshole. He asks Ayla what she learned being out here more than anything and she ought to have said- “To believe in myself and not let dumb advice sway me from doing what I know is right.” Instead it was something about passion that really made no point, but she’s barely holding on to it at this point. Ryan is working overtime to get Ayla to buy into his Dr. Phil bullshit and she just won’t even acknowledge him. You got dealt a bum deal, baby. Simon basically admits to Ayla it was the song that sent her home, but of course, doesn’t dare admit his part in it. I so want her to tell him the song was his doing. I can’t even watch her sing, cause I feel so bad.
Ryan skips right to the guys and starts with Taylor. Get ready for a canted angle, Mr. Cameraman, cause Taylor is sure to bend himself into the letter C. Taylor lets out a whoop so sustained, that someone drives by and throws a bag of garbage at his feet in hopes he’ll shed a tear.
Ace is safe, further proving this has nothing to do with being a singing competition.
Chris is safe and apparently there was no offer from Fuel because Daughtry is so happy, he actually lets Ryan touch him.
They are starting with Kevin, which means he’s safe. Never underestimate the power of the Grandma. Those old people love themselves three things- an early bird special, double absorbent Depends and Kevin Covais. At this point, expect to see Chicken Little invited on to SNL where he’ll do a sketch in bed with The Golden Girls. Tho ridiculoth.
Elliot is at the end of the couch, which means he’s in danger of going home. Hold the phone, the Brittenum twins are out of jail and in the audience. Did I not predict weeks ago that Nigel had paid their bail? Ryan, don’t fucking waste time on them when three legitimate people are waiting to hear their fates. Well, two legitimate people and Bucky.
YEAHHHHHH Elliott is safe, which means Bucky is going home.
The commercials threaten that next on FOX will be the best O.C. yet. Does this mean they’re going to show 60 minutes of a test pattern?
Well, never underestimate the hillbilly vote. Lots of pre-paid cell phones must have been purchased at the 7-11 last night, because Bucky lives to see another week. Now THAT is shocking. Gedeon deserved to be there. While Gedeon sings, we get a shot of Paris crying because she realizes she will now have to fit the role as the only black male on the show. She uses her left weave to blow her nose and then we see a montage of the four losers and their journeys. I’m calling the LA Sheriff’s Department tomorrow to have a restraining order taken out against the Brittenum Twins. They have to remain 500 miles from me at all times. Since I live less than 10 miles from the theater, that ought to cover it and then some.
Okay, readers, no more Mr. Nice Guy. I am a fan scorned. I have my guns loaded for next week. It will not be pretty, I can promise you that. Seagulls out.
posted by kieran at 10:53 PM
3 Comments:
I was extremely scared for Elliott too because like you said, for some reason, people just aren't attaching themselves to him like everyone else. ?? I don't get it. But anyway, I felt bad for Ayla too. She didn't deserve to go and neither did Gedeon. It should have been Melissa, Kinnik, Will, and Kevin. *sigh*
You rock dude, Excellent commentary!
Melissa IS good though, come on:)
"O my God!!" Your comments had me in tears, I was trying to read it to a freind, but couldn't quit laughing. I too could not figure out Paris's whole get up. Her hair reminded me of an english springer spaniel I used to have except he was cute. I can't wait to read your next posting. You should have your own show like Talk Soup.
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