Sophie's Song Choice. AI Re-cap 3/28
Ten singular sensations left. Well, nine and Kellie Pickler. People have asked me over the past week why I’m so anti-Pickler, after all, she’s just a poor, misunderstood country girl. My answer is I’m not the least bit anti-Pickler. In fact, I’m doing just what she wants me to do- I’m focusing on her bullshit schtick and conveniently not mentioning that she has all the vocal talent of Baby Spice with hepatitis. So see, I’m not such a bad guy after all. On to the show!
We’re getting down to the wire and I’m conserving all my voting power and throwing it behind Elliott Yamin. That’s right, I’m endorsing one candidate fully. Sorry, Mandisa, once Elliott goes, I’ll focus on you, baby, but like the gal from Oliver says, As Long as He Needs Me, I’ll be there.
Seacrest is in the audience again. He probably didn’t have time for his cardio today and he’ll jog back to the stage during the credits. He’s a multi-tasker, that one. And there he is, onstage without breaking a sweat. Is there anything that host-bot can’t do? Well, besides screw a chick. Seacrest threatens that tonight’s show will be a tight one. That means all the pimping time will be conserved for Kellie Pickler and Kellie Pickler only! Katharine, Paris, Chris, get your asses down to Santa Monica and McCadden and find a new daddy, cause Kellie has just become the prime meat up in here.
Tonight’s category is “Songs of the 21st Century,” which means loads of Xtina and Alicia Keys, some Gavin DeGraw for the boys, a little Martina McBride because I believe she now has stock in the show and plenty of cotton for my ears. The first decade of the new millennium is half over and I, for one, would like to know where all those innovations are we were promised by TV and sci-fi movies of the 70s. I mean, if I have to be stuck listening to dreck like “Laffy Taffy” and “Stickwitu,” then I should at least be able to get around in a flying car. I would rather hear ten different versions of “Torn Between Two Lovers,” than to go through a musical journey of the past six years, otherwise known as the decade the music died. Come on, where’s the originality?? I say we do Saturday Morning Kids Show Themes. Mandisa could belt out a hot “H.R. Pufnstuf,” Paris could sing the theme to the Smurfs, Taylor could do “Hong Kong Phooey,” and possibly mask his tics with some judo chop moves and Kellie could sing the theme to the Superfriends. Yes, I know there are no words to that theme, but a boy can dream, can’t he?
Seacrest intros the judges and we get Randy’s fingerless signs, Paula’s pre-shitfaced smile and Simon looking up from Paula’s cleavage smirk.
We are starting off with Lisa Tucker, who is in the dreaded #1 spot. She is singing Kelly Clarkson, which you know she was forced to do by Simon, who probably went down to the greenroom last week with a riding crop and browbeat all the lower contestants until someone broke and agreed to do some Kelly. Lisa will be singing “Because of You.” It’s nice to see that some of the 21st century innovations have come to fruition. Those robot singers are amazingly lifelike, don’t you think?
Lord, Lisa is already singing off key and the piano player has barely touched the keys. And now she’s shouting. I said earlier that Lisa was lucky this was the theme of this week because if ever she’s going to get a free pass, it’s going to be by fooling the judges and America with three or four power notes that you only get by singing the crap of today’s female vocalists. Lisa’s trying her damnedest to feel something, anything. She pulls at her extensions to evoke some sort of pain, much like how Franco Zefferelli, while shooting “Endless Love,” had to hide at the foot of the bed and squeeze Brooke Shields’ baby toe during the sex scenes so that her face might somehow express even the tiniest bit of passion. Oh, glory to Christ this is a bad vocal. This is what we gave up Kevin Covais for? She needs to GO! At the end of the song, Lisa tries for a distraught, heartbroken look, but the closest she gets is “What’s that smell?!” Then she lights up like a Christmas tree or a toddler that’s just made its first boom-boom in the plastic potty. Look what I did!
Randy says it was just a’ight and he’s keepin’ it real. Paula admonishes him and tries to soft soap by saying there is no doubt Lisa can sing her butt off. Hey, Paula, I can get up there and scream like someone lit a match inside my asshole, too, but it doesn’t mean it’s gonna sound good. Simon says parts of the performance were painful and Lisa finally makes a face I believe, one of disgust. Simon tells her to watch the performance back on tape and she’ll see. All I see is that Simon could have been a little nicer, if only to ensure this chick is gone tomorrow night, cause I don’t think Ryan Seacrest is gonna want to be squeezing her big toe next week, no matter how much of a foot fetish he has.
Ryan forces the judges to argue over the semantics of the word painful. And seeing that Kellie is up next, that would be a valid argument. We’re back and Ryan is in the audience, fondling some little girl. Ryan, last week it was cute, this week it’s bordering on pathological. Two words, my friend- Gary Glitter.
Kellie is singing something called “Suds in the Bucket,” by Sara Evans. I’m proud to say I have no knowledge of this and I can’t help thinking Martina McBride is heaving a sigh of relief knowing someone else’s song is going to be murderlized. She tells us the story of the song, about some redneck coming to her rescue in a pickup truck and taking her to Vegas to get hitched; in other words, her wet dream.
The vocal starts off rough and Kellie just sort of meanders around the stage as though she’s doing a sound check and not performing on live television. Kellie is being aided mightily by the back up singers, but she’s wearing a midriff-bearing top, so who’s really listening to her? The audience applauds and we cut to a shot of two women, one of whom is clapping robotically with a scowl on her face and the other who is whispering into her ear, probably about Kellie’s prom dress fiasco or some other piece of gossip she read on the net this week. Is Kellie’s grandpa wearing an old Tanya Tucker iron-on t-shirt? All in all, it wasn’t a disaster for Pickler, but it was just a’ight. Randy didn’t like the song choice and neither he nor Paula think the song was up to Kellie’s standards or vocal talent. Pickler mews into the camera a pathetic “I’m sorry,” and on cue, the audience goes…. “Awwwwwww.” Before she can ask what a ballsy is again, Simon chimes in with his critique. Again, complaining about the song, but god forbid we mention the lack of presence onstage or anything. Kellie tries to apologize again before she gets the hook (we’re on a schedule, people!!) and Ace is up next.
Ace is going to show us a little bit more of a rock edge this week and he’s chosen “Drops of Jupiter,” by Train, because to Ace, that’s what constitutes a rock edge. That, and Chris made fun of him when he said he was gonna sing a Pussycat Dolls song.
I have never actually burst out laughing while watching anyone on here sing. Until tonight, that is. Ace, simultaneously yodeling/going through puberty while singing the word hair, while defiantly leaving his abs for the moment and reaching up to stroke his own lustrous brown locks is a howler on a Mel Brooks level. In fact, I need to rewatch it RIGHT NOW. Soon enough, though, Ace is playing the six pack while waddling in place, singing through his nose and looking oh so sincere while over-enunciating every word. Ace is the only person I know of who must do a nasal douche before each performance so he doesn’t snot accidentally during a chorus of something. Ace’s hands are trembling as he points and does a repeated box step. Man, he’s got wide shoulders. He brings the song home (actually, he dumps it two blocks away and leaves it to find it’s way back alone) then stares soulfully for another eye-boink into the camera. Franco Zefferelli must be squeezing his baby toe. I never thought I’d say this, but he deserves to go over Lisa this week. That was appalling. Appalling with a “rock edge”!
Randy just can’t believe his bad fortune this week in having to go first. He says it was the wrong song choice and that Ace didn’t even sing it well. Randy, if Ace could actually sing, if most of these people could sing, then there would be no such thing as a bad song choice unless they decided to do something like “Pac Man Fever.” Randy says he didn’t see Ace’s little soul thing he usually does, like ‘NSYNC. Yeah, when you say soul….
Wow, even Paula is upset because her boobies haven’t left the desk once. She’s not gonna be as harsh as Randy, but neither is she going to be ringing out her panties all over Ace as she usually does. Paula says compared to the last two performances, it was a breath of fresh air (or testosterone, though Lisa has more than Ace does.) but she thought it was a bad song choice, but a good vocal. Oh, Paula. She then asks Ace if he was showing off a real scar during the song on his collar bone and indeed he was. We get a close-up and Paula says one day Ace will have to tell her how he got it. Now, she didn’t stand up and deliver the request while channeling Mae West, however the panic buttons went off in front of Simon and Randy and they start shouting her down. Such dirty minds these men have. Anyway, I’m sure Ryan will get to the bottom of Ace’s scar. With his tongue. Simon says the vocal wasn’t great, that it was quite karaoke, which I think is a compliment compared to what the vocal actually was. Ryan asks about the scar!! Do I know my closeted game show hosts or what? Ace’s official story is that he was playing basketball and fell and cut himself.
Folks- I’m going to sponsor a contest. The person who comes up with the best story of how Ace really got his scar will win a CD of all the performances of their three favorite idols from this season, up through the finale. I will post the top five stories on my blog. Send your entries to flkofcguls@aol.com with your name and a valid e-mail address before next Tuesday and I will print them after next week’s re-cap. I’m totally serious about this, I wanna hear from you. Make the stories good.
Taylor is up next. Ryan shows off a little boy (Ryan, enough with the kids!!) who has grey hair, telling Taylor he is influencing the youth of America one head at a time. Taylor, not understanding the kid has on talcum powder, urges the child not to let them dye it, fight for his hair. The kid also has Taylor’s enormous fat face and triple chin. Don’t let them take away dessert, kid, fight for it. Apparently we’re on a tight schedule, but not tight enough to get a little Taylor pimping action. Ryan wants to know all about the “Soul Patrol.” Taylor claims it’s a “legion” (his word) of fans that have stuck with him. Quick, Kellie, how many people in a legion? So basically, it’s five housewives and one drunk guy who loved Taylor before he hid the mid-time on Idol. And he’s the soul patrolman. Ryan and Taylor point out the deputy and they flash back to powderhead who keeps hopping around on his seat like he has the worst case of hemorrhoids since Ace got that scar. Now we go to the video to find out what Taylor is singing because we haven’t spent enough time with him.
Taylor says this is one of his all time favorite songs (from 2004), Ray LaMontaigne’s “Trouble.” Yeah, don’t know it. We get a scary back shot of Taylor in a snug leather jacket and fat jeans. I never want to hear another word about how Katharine is gaining weight unless the same standard is used for Taylor, who is slowly turning into John Candy.
When Taylor gets to the lyric “worry” (repeated several times) he presses a finger to his left temple and rubs it, smooshing his eyebrow and making him look like he has an Anacin headache. People, STOP touching yourselves to express the lyrics. Seriously. Knock. The. Shit. OFF! Then Taylor sings that he has been upset by a woman, but he looks like he’s having an acid reflux attack.
I have to say that was a shit-ass song, but Taylor sang well tonight, probably the best he has the whole competition and he kept the schtick to a minimum while singing. Of course, that only means he’s free to jerk out and whoo during the judges evaluations. Let’s see. Randy didn’t like the song choice and says it didn’t show off Taylor’s voice and what he can do. Taylor explains that he wanted to sing a song tonight that would show off his vocals only and I say good for him for realizing he needs to cut the shit out after last week’s wreck of a performance. Extra props for that. Paula agrees wholeheartedly. Simon agrees with Paula and that exacts the first WHOO of the night, but let him have it, he earned it. Simon then goes on to say he doesn’t like Taylor’s styling in that it reminds him of Clay Aiken. Huh? I think for Simon, after a while they’re all just a blur to him.
We hurry to Mandisa because Taylor had extra pimpin’ time and she is singing a song called “(Shackles) Wanna Praise You,” by the gospel duo Mary Mary. Now last fall, I went to see “Good Night and Good Luck,” and during some commercial for Coke, they used a song called “The Real Party,” by Mary Mary that I just fell in love with. I sought out the album and downloaded it and waded through four of the worst R&B gospel tunes I’d ever heard before getting to the song I liked, real Jesus freak howlers written with the blunt end of a crucifix. I’ve heard decent gospel and inspirational music before and despite my eventual descent into the netherworld for my multitude of sins, I can appreciate that sort of music when it’s good. That being said, I’m expecting a wreck from Mandisa tonight, ignoring the obvious foot in the mouth comments one could make about a black woman singing a song called Shackles.
Mandisa is in jeans again and she charges out, telling me my addiction, lifestyle and situation may be big, but God is bigger. Way to get me to pick up the phone, hon. Mandisa stole one of Ace’s spangly beanies and has it stuck in her back pocket, along with the Cambodian child who probably stitched it. The holes are starting to show through Mandisa’s vocals more and more blatantly. She has always had a problem when just singing regularly and not shouting and this week it sounds like she’s talk singing until she gets to the shouty parts. Bad vocal, bad song. At this point, I’m almost wishing for a little Xtina and Alicia. (No, NO, I didn’t mean it, I swear!!) George Huff is in the audience and he is praising Mandisa and totally into it. Hmmm… I smell a remake of “Amen.”
Randy, for the fifth time tonight, is not having song choice, but Paula declares a new religion is in the hizz-ouse, the church of Mandisa. Some old man stands in the audience with his man-DIVA sign and holds it up, then quickly lowers it and checks to make sure he’s holding up the correct side and not the one that says “Libby’s Cling Peaches in Heavy Syrup, 24 Case.” Simon says it was a bit indulgent and he didn’t get it and I think that is one of the most astute comments I’ve heard from the judges in a long time. Mandisa is going to have to do a few extra Hail Marys this week for being prideful and putting false idols before God or something.
Back from the break with Chris Daughtry and we’re having a fireside pimp chat with him and Ryan to clear up all the internet buzzing going on that Chris didn’t really do an original arrangement of “I Walk the Line,” that it was Live’s arrangement. Chris admits it in a thick southern accent that I’ve never heard from him before, so he knows how to play the game as well as Pickler. Thanks for clearing that up, Ryan, after thousands of us beat you to the punch.
Chris is rocking his Stella D’oro S-shaped cookie sideburns again this week and is singing “What If,” by Creed. In the words of Chandler Bing, could you BE any more lame? And here comes the Chris Daughtry ROCK N ROLL Revue, with light show, canted camera angles and Peter Criss on a 30 foot high drum riser. You must be this naïve to board the ride. Souvenir stands can be found in the north and west corners of the ampitheatre. Please hold on to your ticket stubs if you leave your seats.
The vocal was kind of a screaming mess, nonetheless on-pitch. I’m not really sure how to critique this sort of vocal. Ummm, you shouted well? There was no subtlety whatsoever to that vocal, it was just an assault. Sure, there are tons of bands making millions with that kind of music and it can be very good, but as actual singing, it’s in a totally different category. Randy actually liked the song but thought Chris was sharp, which exacts the second laugh out loud response from me tonight. Sharp? How could you tell? Paula loves him and is transferring all her vibrator time to Chris. Simon found a new buzz word to play with and isn’t ready to let it go yet, however it completely applies here, too. INDULGENT! Simon tells Chris he needs to start showing a different side of himself and that he can’t keep coming out and doing the same thing week after week after week. Which of course flies in the face of his previous comments that Chris knows who he is and is the most original of all the contestants. Chris goes to talk back and Ryan swoops in to save the day, not letting Chris get a word in. We’re off to Katharine.
Just when you thought it was safe to speak in normal quantities of syllables, McPhee is going to be doing a Xtina song called “The Voice Within.” She says she picked it because she’s learned throughout this competition that the only person you can trust is yourself. Slap in the face to mommy! If I was Mrs. McFart, I would go right over to Kellie and offer my services. It’s a match made in Van Nuys. Kellie needs a momma, momma needs someone who takes direction.
Right off the bat, I can tell McPhee that she can’t trust herself, because her first line is wildly off-pitch. In fact, they just came in and carried George Huff away to the hospital with a concussion, that’s how bad that pitch was. The vocal is terrible in ways that McPhee usually isn’t terrible. The reason I don’t like most of her performances is not because she can’t sing, but because she always oversings. No, she triple dog dares oversings. But she knows how to sing when she can rein it in. This, however- Awful pitch problems, really off-key until she starts getting into the meat of the song and then it’s free extend-a-words for everyone! Like Anwar, she sucked through most of the song, but managed to bring it home with some power notes.
Randy says Kat didn’t bring anything new to the song, but Paula thinks she was at her best. How much do you think I could get for Paula’s tin ear at a junk shop? Simon says he thinks it was the best tonight, which, uh, hello, isn’t much of a compliment (though I disagree. Taylor outsang her by a country mile.)
Bucky is next and he’s singing “A Real Good Man,” by Tim McGraw. As usual, the band is drowning him out and he’s mumbling, so it’s hard to accurately evaluate, but it sounds decent. He’s giving a good performance, overall, and he looks great, despite the Camryn Mannheim earring action he’s sporting in both lobes. Biggest surprise of the night- Bucky is married! I’m not surprised that he would be, I’m just surprised because he’s never mentioned her before. Randy brings up song choice without once mentioning singing. Paula comments on diction without once mentioning singing and Simon bears the burden and tells Bucky is was pretty bad, he couldn’t understand a word Bucky said and if he was paying, he’d have gotten up and left. Bucky takes it in stride and I have a feeling he’s toast.
Ryan tells us Princess Pee is up next. What? Oh, excuse me, Princess P. Paris on the video is sporting a Hat 2 Da Back and no makeup, which makes her look more Webster-like than usual. I share a personal trainer with an actor who used to be on that show and every time I see him, I’m tempted to ask if watching Paris makes him nostalgic for Emmanuel Lewis. Paris is singing “Work it Out,” by Beyonce. Now why would you choose a song sung by Aloha Micheaux? I liked Aloha (more than Paris) but come on.
Paris is sporting a Cinnabon on the top of her head coupled with a white woman’s ponytail that she keeps swinging around and hitting herself in the face with. If she’s not careful, she’s gonna knock a contact lens loose.
Vocally, once she started singing and stopped telling us what a great time we were gonna have, she sounded okay. I’m still unimpressed by her, however she was one of the better ones tonight and isn’t likely going anywhere. Randy says it was da bomb and Paris thanks him in her breathy little babydoll voice. My trainer can imitate her speaking voice to a T and I have almost dropped a nad laughing while trying to do bench presses, listening to him egging me on in Princess Pee’s voice. Paula loved it, but Simon was unduly harsh. Paris has given worse performances with better praise. He says it was like watching a little girl pretending to be Beyonce. Well, duh. But she did it okay.
Back from the break and Elliott is bringing it home for us. He’s chosen Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be,” which is a poor decision. Chariot would have suited him much better. He wants to show a different side of himself and he does, forgetting the lyrics to the first three lines and tripping on his way down the stage. Elliott as a fly-girl doesn’t fly with me. If you don’t wanna be anything other than you, Elliott, then quit singing this stuff. That being said, he didn’t sound bad at all, it just wasn’t the right thing for him.
The audience is going King Kong over Elliott and Paula is up and shrieking. So much so that Simon pushes her back down into her seat in frustration. Randy declares it another hot one and Paula calls Elliott one funky white boy. Simon says in complete monotone- good song, terrible arrangement, good vocal, hideous dancing. I’d agree.
Well, that was a very different kind of disaster than I expected overall and quite a surprise when Taylor and Paris wind up in my top 3 and Mandisa is ranked lower than Pickler. Here they are 1-10.
1- Taylor
2- Elliott
3- Paris
4- Bucky
5- Chris
6- Kellie
7- Mandisa
8- Katharine
9- Lisa
10- Ace
Who should go: Lisa, cause I just can’t handle her anymore and Ace is too much fun to crack on.
Who will go: Lisa, with Bucky as a dark horse and Ace rounding out the bottom three.
Thanks for reading and don’t forget- I want to hear from you. How did Ace really get his scar? See you tomorrow for the wrap-up.
Seagulls out.
We’re getting down to the wire and I’m conserving all my voting power and throwing it behind Elliott Yamin. That’s right, I’m endorsing one candidate fully. Sorry, Mandisa, once Elliott goes, I’ll focus on you, baby, but like the gal from Oliver says, As Long as He Needs Me, I’ll be there.
Seacrest is in the audience again. He probably didn’t have time for his cardio today and he’ll jog back to the stage during the credits. He’s a multi-tasker, that one. And there he is, onstage without breaking a sweat. Is there anything that host-bot can’t do? Well, besides screw a chick. Seacrest threatens that tonight’s show will be a tight one. That means all the pimping time will be conserved for Kellie Pickler and Kellie Pickler only! Katharine, Paris, Chris, get your asses down to Santa Monica and McCadden and find a new daddy, cause Kellie has just become the prime meat up in here.
Tonight’s category is “Songs of the 21st Century,” which means loads of Xtina and Alicia Keys, some Gavin DeGraw for the boys, a little Martina McBride because I believe she now has stock in the show and plenty of cotton for my ears. The first decade of the new millennium is half over and I, for one, would like to know where all those innovations are we were promised by TV and sci-fi movies of the 70s. I mean, if I have to be stuck listening to dreck like “Laffy Taffy” and “Stickwitu,” then I should at least be able to get around in a flying car. I would rather hear ten different versions of “Torn Between Two Lovers,” than to go through a musical journey of the past six years, otherwise known as the decade the music died. Come on, where’s the originality?? I say we do Saturday Morning Kids Show Themes. Mandisa could belt out a hot “H.R. Pufnstuf,” Paris could sing the theme to the Smurfs, Taylor could do “Hong Kong Phooey,” and possibly mask his tics with some judo chop moves and Kellie could sing the theme to the Superfriends. Yes, I know there are no words to that theme, but a boy can dream, can’t he?
Seacrest intros the judges and we get Randy’s fingerless signs, Paula’s pre-shitfaced smile and Simon looking up from Paula’s cleavage smirk.
We are starting off with Lisa Tucker, who is in the dreaded #1 spot. She is singing Kelly Clarkson, which you know she was forced to do by Simon, who probably went down to the greenroom last week with a riding crop and browbeat all the lower contestants until someone broke and agreed to do some Kelly. Lisa will be singing “Because of You.” It’s nice to see that some of the 21st century innovations have come to fruition. Those robot singers are amazingly lifelike, don’t you think?
Lord, Lisa is already singing off key and the piano player has barely touched the keys. And now she’s shouting. I said earlier that Lisa was lucky this was the theme of this week because if ever she’s going to get a free pass, it’s going to be by fooling the judges and America with three or four power notes that you only get by singing the crap of today’s female vocalists. Lisa’s trying her damnedest to feel something, anything. She pulls at her extensions to evoke some sort of pain, much like how Franco Zefferelli, while shooting “Endless Love,” had to hide at the foot of the bed and squeeze Brooke Shields’ baby toe during the sex scenes so that her face might somehow express even the tiniest bit of passion. Oh, glory to Christ this is a bad vocal. This is what we gave up Kevin Covais for? She needs to GO! At the end of the song, Lisa tries for a distraught, heartbroken look, but the closest she gets is “What’s that smell?!” Then she lights up like a Christmas tree or a toddler that’s just made its first boom-boom in the plastic potty. Look what I did!
Randy says it was just a’ight and he’s keepin’ it real. Paula admonishes him and tries to soft soap by saying there is no doubt Lisa can sing her butt off. Hey, Paula, I can get up there and scream like someone lit a match inside my asshole, too, but it doesn’t mean it’s gonna sound good. Simon says parts of the performance were painful and Lisa finally makes a face I believe, one of disgust. Simon tells her to watch the performance back on tape and she’ll see. All I see is that Simon could have been a little nicer, if only to ensure this chick is gone tomorrow night, cause I don’t think Ryan Seacrest is gonna want to be squeezing her big toe next week, no matter how much of a foot fetish he has.
Ryan forces the judges to argue over the semantics of the word painful. And seeing that Kellie is up next, that would be a valid argument. We’re back and Ryan is in the audience, fondling some little girl. Ryan, last week it was cute, this week it’s bordering on pathological. Two words, my friend- Gary Glitter.
Kellie is singing something called “Suds in the Bucket,” by Sara Evans. I’m proud to say I have no knowledge of this and I can’t help thinking Martina McBride is heaving a sigh of relief knowing someone else’s song is going to be murderlized. She tells us the story of the song, about some redneck coming to her rescue in a pickup truck and taking her to Vegas to get hitched; in other words, her wet dream.
The vocal starts off rough and Kellie just sort of meanders around the stage as though she’s doing a sound check and not performing on live television. Kellie is being aided mightily by the back up singers, but she’s wearing a midriff-bearing top, so who’s really listening to her? The audience applauds and we cut to a shot of two women, one of whom is clapping robotically with a scowl on her face and the other who is whispering into her ear, probably about Kellie’s prom dress fiasco or some other piece of gossip she read on the net this week. Is Kellie’s grandpa wearing an old Tanya Tucker iron-on t-shirt? All in all, it wasn’t a disaster for Pickler, but it was just a’ight. Randy didn’t like the song choice and neither he nor Paula think the song was up to Kellie’s standards or vocal talent. Pickler mews into the camera a pathetic “I’m sorry,” and on cue, the audience goes…. “Awwwwwww.” Before she can ask what a ballsy is again, Simon chimes in with his critique. Again, complaining about the song, but god forbid we mention the lack of presence onstage or anything. Kellie tries to apologize again before she gets the hook (we’re on a schedule, people!!) and Ace is up next.
Ace is going to show us a little bit more of a rock edge this week and he’s chosen “Drops of Jupiter,” by Train, because to Ace, that’s what constitutes a rock edge. That, and Chris made fun of him when he said he was gonna sing a Pussycat Dolls song.
I have never actually burst out laughing while watching anyone on here sing. Until tonight, that is. Ace, simultaneously yodeling/going through puberty while singing the word hair, while defiantly leaving his abs for the moment and reaching up to stroke his own lustrous brown locks is a howler on a Mel Brooks level. In fact, I need to rewatch it RIGHT NOW. Soon enough, though, Ace is playing the six pack while waddling in place, singing through his nose and looking oh so sincere while over-enunciating every word. Ace is the only person I know of who must do a nasal douche before each performance so he doesn’t snot accidentally during a chorus of something. Ace’s hands are trembling as he points and does a repeated box step. Man, he’s got wide shoulders. He brings the song home (actually, he dumps it two blocks away and leaves it to find it’s way back alone) then stares soulfully for another eye-boink into the camera. Franco Zefferelli must be squeezing his baby toe. I never thought I’d say this, but he deserves to go over Lisa this week. That was appalling. Appalling with a “rock edge”!
Randy just can’t believe his bad fortune this week in having to go first. He says it was the wrong song choice and that Ace didn’t even sing it well. Randy, if Ace could actually sing, if most of these people could sing, then there would be no such thing as a bad song choice unless they decided to do something like “Pac Man Fever.” Randy says he didn’t see Ace’s little soul thing he usually does, like ‘NSYNC. Yeah, when you say soul….
Wow, even Paula is upset because her boobies haven’t left the desk once. She’s not gonna be as harsh as Randy, but neither is she going to be ringing out her panties all over Ace as she usually does. Paula says compared to the last two performances, it was a breath of fresh air (or testosterone, though Lisa has more than Ace does.) but she thought it was a bad song choice, but a good vocal. Oh, Paula. She then asks Ace if he was showing off a real scar during the song on his collar bone and indeed he was. We get a close-up and Paula says one day Ace will have to tell her how he got it. Now, she didn’t stand up and deliver the request while channeling Mae West, however the panic buttons went off in front of Simon and Randy and they start shouting her down. Such dirty minds these men have. Anyway, I’m sure Ryan will get to the bottom of Ace’s scar. With his tongue. Simon says the vocal wasn’t great, that it was quite karaoke, which I think is a compliment compared to what the vocal actually was. Ryan asks about the scar!! Do I know my closeted game show hosts or what? Ace’s official story is that he was playing basketball and fell and cut himself.
Folks- I’m going to sponsor a contest. The person who comes up with the best story of how Ace really got his scar will win a CD of all the performances of their three favorite idols from this season, up through the finale. I will post the top five stories on my blog. Send your entries to flkofcguls@aol.com with your name and a valid e-mail address before next Tuesday and I will print them after next week’s re-cap. I’m totally serious about this, I wanna hear from you. Make the stories good.
Taylor is up next. Ryan shows off a little boy (Ryan, enough with the kids!!) who has grey hair, telling Taylor he is influencing the youth of America one head at a time. Taylor, not understanding the kid has on talcum powder, urges the child not to let them dye it, fight for his hair. The kid also has Taylor’s enormous fat face and triple chin. Don’t let them take away dessert, kid, fight for it. Apparently we’re on a tight schedule, but not tight enough to get a little Taylor pimping action. Ryan wants to know all about the “Soul Patrol.” Taylor claims it’s a “legion” (his word) of fans that have stuck with him. Quick, Kellie, how many people in a legion? So basically, it’s five housewives and one drunk guy who loved Taylor before he hid the mid-time on Idol. And he’s the soul patrolman. Ryan and Taylor point out the deputy and they flash back to powderhead who keeps hopping around on his seat like he has the worst case of hemorrhoids since Ace got that scar. Now we go to the video to find out what Taylor is singing because we haven’t spent enough time with him.
Taylor says this is one of his all time favorite songs (from 2004), Ray LaMontaigne’s “Trouble.” Yeah, don’t know it. We get a scary back shot of Taylor in a snug leather jacket and fat jeans. I never want to hear another word about how Katharine is gaining weight unless the same standard is used for Taylor, who is slowly turning into John Candy.
When Taylor gets to the lyric “worry” (repeated several times) he presses a finger to his left temple and rubs it, smooshing his eyebrow and making him look like he has an Anacin headache. People, STOP touching yourselves to express the lyrics. Seriously. Knock. The. Shit. OFF! Then Taylor sings that he has been upset by a woman, but he looks like he’s having an acid reflux attack.
I have to say that was a shit-ass song, but Taylor sang well tonight, probably the best he has the whole competition and he kept the schtick to a minimum while singing. Of course, that only means he’s free to jerk out and whoo during the judges evaluations. Let’s see. Randy didn’t like the song choice and says it didn’t show off Taylor’s voice and what he can do. Taylor explains that he wanted to sing a song tonight that would show off his vocals only and I say good for him for realizing he needs to cut the shit out after last week’s wreck of a performance. Extra props for that. Paula agrees wholeheartedly. Simon agrees with Paula and that exacts the first WHOO of the night, but let him have it, he earned it. Simon then goes on to say he doesn’t like Taylor’s styling in that it reminds him of Clay Aiken. Huh? I think for Simon, after a while they’re all just a blur to him.
We hurry to Mandisa because Taylor had extra pimpin’ time and she is singing a song called “(Shackles) Wanna Praise You,” by the gospel duo Mary Mary. Now last fall, I went to see “Good Night and Good Luck,” and during some commercial for Coke, they used a song called “The Real Party,” by Mary Mary that I just fell in love with. I sought out the album and downloaded it and waded through four of the worst R&B gospel tunes I’d ever heard before getting to the song I liked, real Jesus freak howlers written with the blunt end of a crucifix. I’ve heard decent gospel and inspirational music before and despite my eventual descent into the netherworld for my multitude of sins, I can appreciate that sort of music when it’s good. That being said, I’m expecting a wreck from Mandisa tonight, ignoring the obvious foot in the mouth comments one could make about a black woman singing a song called Shackles.
Mandisa is in jeans again and she charges out, telling me my addiction, lifestyle and situation may be big, but God is bigger. Way to get me to pick up the phone, hon. Mandisa stole one of Ace’s spangly beanies and has it stuck in her back pocket, along with the Cambodian child who probably stitched it. The holes are starting to show through Mandisa’s vocals more and more blatantly. She has always had a problem when just singing regularly and not shouting and this week it sounds like she’s talk singing until she gets to the shouty parts. Bad vocal, bad song. At this point, I’m almost wishing for a little Xtina and Alicia. (No, NO, I didn’t mean it, I swear!!) George Huff is in the audience and he is praising Mandisa and totally into it. Hmmm… I smell a remake of “Amen.”
Randy, for the fifth time tonight, is not having song choice, but Paula declares a new religion is in the hizz-ouse, the church of Mandisa. Some old man stands in the audience with his man-DIVA sign and holds it up, then quickly lowers it and checks to make sure he’s holding up the correct side and not the one that says “Libby’s Cling Peaches in Heavy Syrup, 24 Case.” Simon says it was a bit indulgent and he didn’t get it and I think that is one of the most astute comments I’ve heard from the judges in a long time. Mandisa is going to have to do a few extra Hail Marys this week for being prideful and putting false idols before God or something.
Back from the break with Chris Daughtry and we’re having a fireside pimp chat with him and Ryan to clear up all the internet buzzing going on that Chris didn’t really do an original arrangement of “I Walk the Line,” that it was Live’s arrangement. Chris admits it in a thick southern accent that I’ve never heard from him before, so he knows how to play the game as well as Pickler. Thanks for clearing that up, Ryan, after thousands of us beat you to the punch.
Chris is rocking his Stella D’oro S-shaped cookie sideburns again this week and is singing “What If,” by Creed. In the words of Chandler Bing, could you BE any more lame? And here comes the Chris Daughtry ROCK N ROLL Revue, with light show, canted camera angles and Peter Criss on a 30 foot high drum riser. You must be this naïve to board the ride. Souvenir stands can be found in the north and west corners of the ampitheatre. Please hold on to your ticket stubs if you leave your seats.
The vocal was kind of a screaming mess, nonetheless on-pitch. I’m not really sure how to critique this sort of vocal. Ummm, you shouted well? There was no subtlety whatsoever to that vocal, it was just an assault. Sure, there are tons of bands making millions with that kind of music and it can be very good, but as actual singing, it’s in a totally different category. Randy actually liked the song but thought Chris was sharp, which exacts the second laugh out loud response from me tonight. Sharp? How could you tell? Paula loves him and is transferring all her vibrator time to Chris. Simon found a new buzz word to play with and isn’t ready to let it go yet, however it completely applies here, too. INDULGENT! Simon tells Chris he needs to start showing a different side of himself and that he can’t keep coming out and doing the same thing week after week after week. Which of course flies in the face of his previous comments that Chris knows who he is and is the most original of all the contestants. Chris goes to talk back and Ryan swoops in to save the day, not letting Chris get a word in. We’re off to Katharine.
Just when you thought it was safe to speak in normal quantities of syllables, McPhee is going to be doing a Xtina song called “The Voice Within.” She says she picked it because she’s learned throughout this competition that the only person you can trust is yourself. Slap in the face to mommy! If I was Mrs. McFart, I would go right over to Kellie and offer my services. It’s a match made in Van Nuys. Kellie needs a momma, momma needs someone who takes direction.
Right off the bat, I can tell McPhee that she can’t trust herself, because her first line is wildly off-pitch. In fact, they just came in and carried George Huff away to the hospital with a concussion, that’s how bad that pitch was. The vocal is terrible in ways that McPhee usually isn’t terrible. The reason I don’t like most of her performances is not because she can’t sing, but because she always oversings. No, she triple dog dares oversings. But she knows how to sing when she can rein it in. This, however- Awful pitch problems, really off-key until she starts getting into the meat of the song and then it’s free extend-a-words for everyone! Like Anwar, she sucked through most of the song, but managed to bring it home with some power notes.
Randy says Kat didn’t bring anything new to the song, but Paula thinks she was at her best. How much do you think I could get for Paula’s tin ear at a junk shop? Simon says he thinks it was the best tonight, which, uh, hello, isn’t much of a compliment (though I disagree. Taylor outsang her by a country mile.)
Bucky is next and he’s singing “A Real Good Man,” by Tim McGraw. As usual, the band is drowning him out and he’s mumbling, so it’s hard to accurately evaluate, but it sounds decent. He’s giving a good performance, overall, and he looks great, despite the Camryn Mannheim earring action he’s sporting in both lobes. Biggest surprise of the night- Bucky is married! I’m not surprised that he would be, I’m just surprised because he’s never mentioned her before. Randy brings up song choice without once mentioning singing. Paula comments on diction without once mentioning singing and Simon bears the burden and tells Bucky is was pretty bad, he couldn’t understand a word Bucky said and if he was paying, he’d have gotten up and left. Bucky takes it in stride and I have a feeling he’s toast.
Ryan tells us Princess Pee is up next. What? Oh, excuse me, Princess P. Paris on the video is sporting a Hat 2 Da Back and no makeup, which makes her look more Webster-like than usual. I share a personal trainer with an actor who used to be on that show and every time I see him, I’m tempted to ask if watching Paris makes him nostalgic for Emmanuel Lewis. Paris is singing “Work it Out,” by Beyonce. Now why would you choose a song sung by Aloha Micheaux? I liked Aloha (more than Paris) but come on.
Paris is sporting a Cinnabon on the top of her head coupled with a white woman’s ponytail that she keeps swinging around and hitting herself in the face with. If she’s not careful, she’s gonna knock a contact lens loose.
Vocally, once she started singing and stopped telling us what a great time we were gonna have, she sounded okay. I’m still unimpressed by her, however she was one of the better ones tonight and isn’t likely going anywhere. Randy says it was da bomb and Paris thanks him in her breathy little babydoll voice. My trainer can imitate her speaking voice to a T and I have almost dropped a nad laughing while trying to do bench presses, listening to him egging me on in Princess Pee’s voice. Paula loved it, but Simon was unduly harsh. Paris has given worse performances with better praise. He says it was like watching a little girl pretending to be Beyonce. Well, duh. But she did it okay.
Back from the break and Elliott is bringing it home for us. He’s chosen Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be,” which is a poor decision. Chariot would have suited him much better. He wants to show a different side of himself and he does, forgetting the lyrics to the first three lines and tripping on his way down the stage. Elliott as a fly-girl doesn’t fly with me. If you don’t wanna be anything other than you, Elliott, then quit singing this stuff. That being said, he didn’t sound bad at all, it just wasn’t the right thing for him.
The audience is going King Kong over Elliott and Paula is up and shrieking. So much so that Simon pushes her back down into her seat in frustration. Randy declares it another hot one and Paula calls Elliott one funky white boy. Simon says in complete monotone- good song, terrible arrangement, good vocal, hideous dancing. I’d agree.
Well, that was a very different kind of disaster than I expected overall and quite a surprise when Taylor and Paris wind up in my top 3 and Mandisa is ranked lower than Pickler. Here they are 1-10.
1- Taylor
2- Elliott
3- Paris
4- Bucky
5- Chris
6- Kellie
7- Mandisa
8- Katharine
9- Lisa
10- Ace
Who should go: Lisa, cause I just can’t handle her anymore and Ace is too much fun to crack on.
Who will go: Lisa, with Bucky as a dark horse and Ace rounding out the bottom three.
Thanks for reading and don’t forget- I want to hear from you. How did Ace really get his scar? See you tomorrow for the wrap-up.
Seagulls out.
posted by kieran at 11:40 PM
1 Comments:
Hello
http://car-insurance-moza.blogspot.com/
See you
Post a Comment
<< Home