D'ya Think I'm Sucky? AI Re-cap 4/19
Seagulls here, back in the ring to take another swing. I managed to get a few quick reads of other opinions on last night’s show and I find it very humorous, if not downright mindboggling, that the one week the general consensus about Kellie was that she tanked big time, I actually thought she wasn’t bad. I think I feel the same way about Kellie that I did about Bucky, except I actually liked Bucky, felt he was genuine and wanted to see him succeed. But like Bucky, Kellie’s performances were always so lackluster, that when she does something that sounds decent and clear, like she did last night, it’s a happy surprise. I also find it humorous that she basically broke water onstage last week doing Bohemian Rhapsody, yet there were many who thought she did a decent job. Just like Ace last week, who stunk out loud and everyone agreed. After Brian May spoke out against his portrayal on Idol, defending Ace, suddenly everyone had selective amnesia and decided it was one of Ace’s very best weeks. It’s all subjective and you can’t win for losing. Pickler, I still can’t stand you, but allow me to be the lone standing advocate for your performance last night.
Ryan sounds more pompous and pretentious tonight than usual, doing the announcer’s version of a McPhee, stretching each word to its maximum syllable capacity. We see a shot of Rod Stewart’s family and they should have phrased it “current” family, as neither Britt Ekland, Alana Hamilton-Stewart, Rachel Hunter nor any of their demon seed are in attendance. Rod’s had more spawn than all of the Camden clan on 7th Heaven put together. Thank god that show is finally going off the air. All those people do is preach and multiply. God forbid a woman in that town wanted to do something like live a life or go on the pill.
Ryan intros the judges and Paula’s snoobs are a bit more covered up tonight than on the previous show. We see a re-cap of last night’s show and Rod Stewart praises the contestants to the hilt. I have to say that Rod was actually really fun to watch. He seemed to genuinely enjoy working with the kids and I think they benefited from it. Even Kellie. But not Ace. Then we see snippets of the performances and Chris is even more dead-eyed than I remembered. I’d love to see the thought bubble go up while he’s singing. I’m imagining an old record player with the needle all the way at the end of the disc, just scraping against the label. Over and over, over and over.
Who was that old guy sitting in back of Simon last night? He looked like Jack Albertson. Where do they get these people to fill in the front row? Last week it was Fantasia, now this guy. We see Paris, then Kellie. I went back and listened to Kellie’s song twice and I still stand by my assessment. Maybe she can get Brian May to say she was portrayed incorrectly by the show and everyone will change their opinion. Then we see the two worst performances of the night, Taylor and Ace, and end it up with Katharine oversinging, as usual, while John Wayne Gacy sheds a tear in the audience.
I thought tonight’s commercial was somewhat cool, graphically speaking. I still think the kids sound like the 1910 Fruitgum Company when they group sing. Ryan tells us if we want fashion tips, to go to the Idol website. Yes, I’d love to find out how to get maternity outfits and wigs even Beyonce’ would reject as too ghetto. Ryan introduces Rod Stewart and is still over-enunciating his words as though he’s taken six no-doz. Ryan says Rod helped turn the show into what critics are calling the best American Idol show ever. Umm, from this season? No.
Rod comes out to the strains of “D’ya Think I’m Sexy,” and for a minute, I think he might actually sing it, but Ryan is going to interview him on the couch first, because Ryan is trying to show he can be the next Dick Clark, even if no one cares about that except for Ryan. But he has to figure out how to be able to write off the expense for that star on the walk of fame somehow. Rod says he’s working on an album of ‘70s rock classics and Rod, babe, your voice can’t handle the standards, it’s never gonna make it through Honky Tonk Woman or Blinded by the Light. And to prove that point, Rod gets up, metal hip clanking, and walks center stage to sing “The Way You Look Tonight.” He and the piano player take turns hitting the wrong notes. I don’t know who’s tinkling the ivories tonight, but Schroeder could have done a better job. We cut to a shot of Rod’s latest gold digger in the audience, swaying to the music, while a woman in back of her, who unfortunately bears more than a passing resemblance to Shelley Duvall, mouths along with the words. Again, where do they get these people? Rod finishes and the idols swarm him onstage, Pickler, in a tube-top, natch, getting right in his face and show her butt to the camera.
Back from commercial and it’s Ryan shines time. He breathlessly announces that next week, Andrea Bocelli will be the special guest star, coaching the contestants in the greatest love songs of all time. I’d love to see what the guidelines for that category are. I’ll be they’re a pip! Andrea is creepy looking. Why can’t he wear dark glasses like all the rest of the blind people?
Ryan is splitting the idols up again tonight into groups. The left side of the stage contains Elliott, Kellie and Katharine. The right side contains Chris, Paris and Ace. Now my money would be on the latter group, because it contains Ace. However it also contains Paris, who I think gave far and away the best performance of last night and if she is in the bottom three, then this really bears no resemblance to a singing contest. And with the other group, I could say the same thing about Elliott, except America doesn’t understand that he’s the best singer up there, plus America’s Sweet Tart, Pickler is there, after having given, arguably, her worst ever performance.
All that’s left is Taylor, who is safe. Ryan asks him to join whichever group he thinks is the safe one. Haven’t they put this old routine to bed yet? We did this last year and Bo pretty much had the final say on it when he refused to choose sides. After the commercial, Taylor is next to Seacrest and is forced to choose. Taylor walks over to Chris and extends his hand. Ryan jumps the gun and starts to say- I’m sorry, but- and Taylor walks over to the other side of the stage. He has picked the correct group and Kat, Kel and Elliott are safe. Paris, Ace and Chris are in the bottom three. Shocking about Paris, but I’d say Chris and Ace definitely belong there. The four jump for joy. Well, let me correct that; Kellie and Katharine jump for joy, Taylor and Elliott just stand still, kind of embarrassed and relieved. Katharine does the most irritating little cocky dance and I wish Paris would just tear off her wig right now and throw down on that white bitch’s ass!
Of the three left, Paris is safe and gets sent back to the couch. Goddamn right! Ryan asks Simon if he’s changed his mind after taking credit for Chris last night and Simon very snottily says, “I wasn’t the one up there singing.” But he also tells Ace point blank that he’s the one who will be going home. And sure enough, Ace has had a bad day.
Thus ends one of the most tortured, unconsummated romances in television history. The saga of Ace and Ryan, unfulfilled. Tomorrow at the airport, Ryan will see Ace off back to Colorado to lick his wounds, all the while checking out the other ‘mo in the family, Mark. He’ll put a hand on Ace’s cheek, whisper “Your brother is lovely, Hubble,” then turn and walk into the sunset where his limo is waiting.
And I’m sure whatever bowling alley Ace’s creepy brother hangs out in will be happy to get him back on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
We cut to a shot of Paris who managed one tear for Ace, probably with the help of a bar of soap or a drop of wig glue in the eye. We see a video montage of Ace, where the first thing he says is a very tentative, “Prepare yourself. I’m ready to entertain you,” as though the statement seems as unlikely to him as it does to all of us. I’m so happy this one is taking a mallet to his massive ego and I hope it hobbles him for a good long time. Ryan actually looks as though he’s aged ten years since the announcement and Ace takes the mic from him, mewls “It’s my time!” into it and begins to sing. I’m actually quite shocked when he doesn’t break into “One Night Only,” from Dreamgirls and instead does the wretched thing from last night. One last glance at Ace clutching the abs and he’s GONE.
Did you feel it, kids? That slight, almost imperceptible shift in the earth’s balance? Elliott not in the bottom three and Ace the hell off my tv screen for good? Sometimes, when you least expect it, there’s justice.
Until next week, of course.
Seagulls out.
Ryan sounds more pompous and pretentious tonight than usual, doing the announcer’s version of a McPhee, stretching each word to its maximum syllable capacity. We see a shot of Rod Stewart’s family and they should have phrased it “current” family, as neither Britt Ekland, Alana Hamilton-Stewart, Rachel Hunter nor any of their demon seed are in attendance. Rod’s had more spawn than all of the Camden clan on 7th Heaven put together. Thank god that show is finally going off the air. All those people do is preach and multiply. God forbid a woman in that town wanted to do something like live a life or go on the pill.
Ryan intros the judges and Paula’s snoobs are a bit more covered up tonight than on the previous show. We see a re-cap of last night’s show and Rod Stewart praises the contestants to the hilt. I have to say that Rod was actually really fun to watch. He seemed to genuinely enjoy working with the kids and I think they benefited from it. Even Kellie. But not Ace. Then we see snippets of the performances and Chris is even more dead-eyed than I remembered. I’d love to see the thought bubble go up while he’s singing. I’m imagining an old record player with the needle all the way at the end of the disc, just scraping against the label. Over and over, over and over.
Who was that old guy sitting in back of Simon last night? He looked like Jack Albertson. Where do they get these people to fill in the front row? Last week it was Fantasia, now this guy. We see Paris, then Kellie. I went back and listened to Kellie’s song twice and I still stand by my assessment. Maybe she can get Brian May to say she was portrayed incorrectly by the show and everyone will change their opinion. Then we see the two worst performances of the night, Taylor and Ace, and end it up with Katharine oversinging, as usual, while John Wayne Gacy sheds a tear in the audience.
I thought tonight’s commercial was somewhat cool, graphically speaking. I still think the kids sound like the 1910 Fruitgum Company when they group sing. Ryan tells us if we want fashion tips, to go to the Idol website. Yes, I’d love to find out how to get maternity outfits and wigs even Beyonce’ would reject as too ghetto. Ryan introduces Rod Stewart and is still over-enunciating his words as though he’s taken six no-doz. Ryan says Rod helped turn the show into what critics are calling the best American Idol show ever. Umm, from this season? No.
Rod comes out to the strains of “D’ya Think I’m Sexy,” and for a minute, I think he might actually sing it, but Ryan is going to interview him on the couch first, because Ryan is trying to show he can be the next Dick Clark, even if no one cares about that except for Ryan. But he has to figure out how to be able to write off the expense for that star on the walk of fame somehow. Rod says he’s working on an album of ‘70s rock classics and Rod, babe, your voice can’t handle the standards, it’s never gonna make it through Honky Tonk Woman or Blinded by the Light. And to prove that point, Rod gets up, metal hip clanking, and walks center stage to sing “The Way You Look Tonight.” He and the piano player take turns hitting the wrong notes. I don’t know who’s tinkling the ivories tonight, but Schroeder could have done a better job. We cut to a shot of Rod’s latest gold digger in the audience, swaying to the music, while a woman in back of her, who unfortunately bears more than a passing resemblance to Shelley Duvall, mouths along with the words. Again, where do they get these people? Rod finishes and the idols swarm him onstage, Pickler, in a tube-top, natch, getting right in his face and show her butt to the camera.
Back from commercial and it’s Ryan shines time. He breathlessly announces that next week, Andrea Bocelli will be the special guest star, coaching the contestants in the greatest love songs of all time. I’d love to see what the guidelines for that category are. I’ll be they’re a pip! Andrea is creepy looking. Why can’t he wear dark glasses like all the rest of the blind people?
Ryan is splitting the idols up again tonight into groups. The left side of the stage contains Elliott, Kellie and Katharine. The right side contains Chris, Paris and Ace. Now my money would be on the latter group, because it contains Ace. However it also contains Paris, who I think gave far and away the best performance of last night and if she is in the bottom three, then this really bears no resemblance to a singing contest. And with the other group, I could say the same thing about Elliott, except America doesn’t understand that he’s the best singer up there, plus America’s Sweet Tart, Pickler is there, after having given, arguably, her worst ever performance.
All that’s left is Taylor, who is safe. Ryan asks him to join whichever group he thinks is the safe one. Haven’t they put this old routine to bed yet? We did this last year and Bo pretty much had the final say on it when he refused to choose sides. After the commercial, Taylor is next to Seacrest and is forced to choose. Taylor walks over to Chris and extends his hand. Ryan jumps the gun and starts to say- I’m sorry, but- and Taylor walks over to the other side of the stage. He has picked the correct group and Kat, Kel and Elliott are safe. Paris, Ace and Chris are in the bottom three. Shocking about Paris, but I’d say Chris and Ace definitely belong there. The four jump for joy. Well, let me correct that; Kellie and Katharine jump for joy, Taylor and Elliott just stand still, kind of embarrassed and relieved. Katharine does the most irritating little cocky dance and I wish Paris would just tear off her wig right now and throw down on that white bitch’s ass!
Of the three left, Paris is safe and gets sent back to the couch. Goddamn right! Ryan asks Simon if he’s changed his mind after taking credit for Chris last night and Simon very snottily says, “I wasn’t the one up there singing.” But he also tells Ace point blank that he’s the one who will be going home. And sure enough, Ace has had a bad day.
Thus ends one of the most tortured, unconsummated romances in television history. The saga of Ace and Ryan, unfulfilled. Tomorrow at the airport, Ryan will see Ace off back to Colorado to lick his wounds, all the while checking out the other ‘mo in the family, Mark. He’ll put a hand on Ace’s cheek, whisper “Your brother is lovely, Hubble,” then turn and walk into the sunset where his limo is waiting.
And I’m sure whatever bowling alley Ace’s creepy brother hangs out in will be happy to get him back on Tuesdays and Wednesdays.
We cut to a shot of Paris who managed one tear for Ace, probably with the help of a bar of soap or a drop of wig glue in the eye. We see a video montage of Ace, where the first thing he says is a very tentative, “Prepare yourself. I’m ready to entertain you,” as though the statement seems as unlikely to him as it does to all of us. I’m so happy this one is taking a mallet to his massive ego and I hope it hobbles him for a good long time. Ryan actually looks as though he’s aged ten years since the announcement and Ace takes the mic from him, mewls “It’s my time!” into it and begins to sing. I’m actually quite shocked when he doesn’t break into “One Night Only,” from Dreamgirls and instead does the wretched thing from last night. One last glance at Ace clutching the abs and he’s GONE.
Did you feel it, kids? That slight, almost imperceptible shift in the earth’s balance? Elliott not in the bottom three and Ace the hell off my tv screen for good? Sometimes, when you least expect it, there’s justice.
Until next week, of course.
Seagulls out.
posted by kieran at 11:17 PM
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