There's Got to Be a Morning After. AI Re-cap 4/11
Tie your mother down, it’s time for this week’s performance episode of American Idol. Tonight, the contestants will be biting into whole chunks of the music of Queen. Raw. My re-cap this week will also be a little different as I will be comparing and contrasting the performances done at the dress rehearsal to those done live on the show. Granted one was viewed in person and one on television, but I’ll do my best, which is more than I can say for a certain eight people.
Before we get into that, what can we say about Mandisa that hasn’t already been stated ad nauseum? She came, she sang, she pissed off the gays. This is a woman who is emulating the career of Donna Summer. Backwards. But it’s okay, Mandisa. Whenever you want to take back what you’ve said and renounce your prejudiced views, we’ll take you in. We’re a forgiving people. We took in David Geffen. We took in Rosie O’Donnell. If Tom Cruise ever wiggles out of the palm of the iron giant and confesses all, well, I’m sure we’ll even take him in. Hell, we’ve put up with Liza and her crazy ass for 40 years, we’re nothing if not dedicated.
So on with the show. I have two words for you. Seacrest shaved. Is it any coincidence that this happened the same time Teri Hatcher came clean and admitted she was still single and she and Ryan were just friends? Hey, Ryan, we’ll even take you in.
Homeboy is tiny live, like he’d been beamed from his new 11.5 million dollar home to the set of AI by Wonkavision. Ryan claims the songs of Queen are really going to test the talents of the Idols. Or flunk them. Cresty intros the judges. Did anyone see Paula on Leno last night? Girlfriend couldn’t make it through a ten minute appearance without a martini that would have choked Elaine Stritch. I don’t really watch the show, so tell me if I’m wrong, but I was under the impression guests don’t drink while they’re being interviewed. I think we all know what’s in Paula’s coke cup, and it’s not the new olive flavored diet coke.
Ryan takes us on a journey through the career of Queen, starting with a stadium full of mindless people-bots chanting We Will Rock You, then Kellie Pickler in a car trying to jump start her brain, rocking out to Bohemian Rhapsody. $10 says she calls Brian May Freddie. Seacrest talks about their many hits and stadium anthems. I find it a bit ironic and amusing that so many lunkheaded homophobes will chant these songs but not realize or conveniently forget that the man singing them was gay and died of AIDS, a fact Ryan leaves out when mentioning Freddie’s shocking demise in 1991, leaving us to assume he fell down a ravine or accidentally stabbed himself with pinking shears.
We get to see the idols meet Queen and Kellie rushes up, knocking everyone out of the way and hugs Paul Rodgers, braying, “I’m Kellie!” I will never forgive Roger Taylor for not pulling out a gun right then and there and sparing us all Pickler’s rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. We see them all rocking out and based on this, none of them look the least bit equipped to play on a stage even ¼ the size of the one they’re on. Mandisa is still in the footage, because they decided to torture whoever was going to be voted out last week by making them go meet Queen, anyway. A bit sadistic and I like it.
Ryan tells us that the director of the video for Bohemian Rhapsody is none other than Bruce Gowers, the director of American Idol. We get a shot of Bruce in the control room and since he actually knew the band in their heyday, I search the room to see if I can spot the extra large bottle of Mylanta he will be swigging from throughout the evening. Ryan tries a little humor with Bruce and it falls flat. Flat. Very flat. Ryan seriously cannot handle a joke.
Though I know what’s about to come, more or less, I strap myself in for a disaster of such epic proportion, Charlton Heston is going to be a special guest star. Bucky is up first and will be singing “Fat Bottomed Girls.” We see footage of Bucky onstage with Queen (or as I like to call them- two guys from Queen, the lead singer of Bad Company and some other dude.) Brian May & Roger Taylor talk about Bucky’s…enthusiasm. Roger looks dubious even discussing this, but not as dubious as Mandisa, who is looking at Bucky as though he just dedicated his song to her. I wonder if we’re going to be treated to shots of Mandisa throughout the evening, a sort of Pennebaker-ian touch of docudrama.
Okay, Bucky is much more relaxed when the show isn’t live. He stiffened up severely for this performance. His vocals were about on par for both, which I thought were pretty consistently flat, but still decent. I don’t know what it is but I can’t seem to judge Bucky as harshly as I would any other contestant. I thought this was a good performance for Bucky, maybe in his top three. Oh, and he’s way cuter in person, Pen.
Randy liked the performance, Paula completely mis-analyzed it and said Bucky made it into a country song, which he didn’t, he just sang a rock song and tackled it proficiently. We cut to Simon and who is in back of him but the thief of LaToya London’s career, Fantasia Barrino. Fantasia has been busy promoting her new bio-pic deal for Lifetime, The Fantasia Barrino story, which she’ll star in as herself. Now, see, they would have had me if they’d cast one of their old standbys like Connie Sellecca or Donna Mills or Markie Post, but who’s gonna watch a movie about Fantasia starring Fantasia? Puh-lease. Simon says Bucky’s performance was mediocre. I disagree, but Simon has never liked Bucky and Bucky’s never gonna give a performance that Simon likes until Cowell is ready to get rid of him.
Ace is up next and let me tell you, this one has an ego like nobody’s business. No one milked the applause more than he. Ace will be singing “We Will Rock You.” Cue George Kennedy to come in and try to land our plane, cause it is going down. Ace is being pimped out to the nines by Seacrest who asks him how the intensity of the competition has changed. Ace’s answer- every week it gets more and more intense. I tell you, these chat spots really give you a whole new insight to the contestants not just as singers, but as human beings. Because Ace is not only battling the challenge of being talent-free, he’s battling the challenge that all of us face- life.
Ace is wearing a necklace made out of brown beads that looks like something you’d find at a Ren-Faire booth, made by a mentally challenged Native American girl who’s just trying to battle the challenge of life, which is why Ace bought it. We see Ace onstage with Queen and he’s trying to explain to them what he wants to do with the song. Brian interrupts him and says, “I don’t think we’re going to play your arrangement.” Ace’s cheeks turn even brighter and he sort of shrinks back. I love you, Brian May. I’ll even stop slagging that fuck-wad musical they made of your song catalog. For a week or two. We see Ace trying another approach and Brian laughing at him and saying, “No, can’t do that. Not to my own song. No.”
Okay, a month.
Ace comes out dressed in a chocolate-striped Constantine shirt and black leather pants that are so baggy, I do believe their former owner was Fred Mertz. Seriously, he looks like he’s wearing a pair of adult diapers under there, which is apropos for him, considering he usually takes a big dump onstage, metaphorically. He begins clapping and encouraging the audience to do the same. I want you all to picture me, sitting there, arms folded, with my best Kat McPhee look on my face while everyone else around me clapped, then some caught glimpses of me, immediately felt like schmucks, and stopped clapping. I shut down half a row before ennui took care of the rest.
The first half of the song wasn’t terribly embarrassing, just kind of karaoke with no falsetto, thank god. But then in the second go-round, Ace starts to do this weird guttural kind of singing and goose-stepping around the stage. Ace definitely saved his showboating for the live broadcast. I think he has more confidence, however misplaced. Let’s go to the judges after taking a peek at Mickey Dolenz in the audience.
Randy says it was a 5 out of 10 and was very karaoke. Paula tries very hard to tell Ace it didn’t suck, but even the little guy on the Beefeater label under the table was pulling on her stockings, going, “Paula, luv, it was arse. Tell the boy it was arse.” Simon tells Ace that Randy was being generous, that the performance was a mess. Randy chimes in that yes, he actually was being kind. I don’t know that I agree that it was a mess. Drops of Jupiter was like someone took a huge shit onstage. This was more of a spilled glass of chocolate milk. Simon says he hated it and that means Ace is safe this week.
Ryan asks Ace what he thought and Ace of course feels he rocked. Ryan asks if he was uncomfortable with the whole Brian May situation, alluding to the tape and Ace is still selling t-shirts in the souvenir stand of his mind and doesn’t understand, completely ignoring Ryan’s question and continuing to talk about the performance. Ryan just lets it go. He and Ace will have a good laugh about it later in the hot tub.
Midnight. New Year’s Eve. The S.S. Poseidon. Kellie Pickler takes the stage to sing “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Suddenly, a wall of water 100 feet high decimates the ship, turning it upside down. Death, destruction, carnage- everywhere. Then, from the wreckage, a voice mews out, clear as a bell-
“Aahm sawww-reeee.”
Kellie Pickler. Jason Biggs. Ned Beatty. And Burt Reynolds as Captain Moe, in…
The Big Boat! Coming this summer.
Yes, it is Pickler time. Yes, she IS singing that. Yes, it will suck the poison out of any rattlesnake bite. Kellie says she first heard Queen when she was a little girl. Her dad used to listen to them. And in an ironic twist of fate… yeah, you know where I’m going. We see Pickler onstage with Queen doing her best Britney Spears impersonation, running her hands up and down her body while doing something to BoRhap that can’t really be called singing. It’s more like a sexual assault. Brian and Roger say Kellie was brave to tackle the song, but that it was well done and they love her. Of course their faces resemble the expression the second before the moment of impact, so who can say if they mean it.
Kellie is dressed as though she’s about to sing “Mr. Roboto,” and her hair and make-up are a mini-disaster all their own. If this is what the North Carolina guy is doing, then I’ll be happy to contribute to help him stay in Los Angeles. She has bags under her eyes so big, Mandisa is sitting in the left one, whispering “Do it for Jesus, girl!” Kellie is so fucking pitchy and flat, then sharp, then flat, no wait, she’s sharp and… Oy! But of course, she’s strutting around like the saucy little minx she is with stiletto heels, so Simon will love her, even though with that make-up and lighting job, she resembles a young Beetlejuice. This is about on par with the rehearsal performance, to the point of the mistakes being in the same place. The only reason it wasn’t more of a disaster is because they gutted the song from tip to top and left not much material for Pickler to eviscerate. I’m sure if the producers could have just had Kellie step onstage in a see through halter, yell “Bohemian Rhapsody, y’all!” and stand there for the next 1:40, they would have. I can tell you this audience is more generous, as are the judges. Randy, Paula and Simon all thought Kellie worked it out. I agree. Out of her colon. Simon says that on paper, it shouldn’t have worked but that-
And here’s the comment that’s going to burn up every AI newsgroup and blog for the next week, possibly even longer. Kellie interrupts Simon to squeal- “Huh? On Paper? Whut?” Simon almost rolls his eyes, but stops himself, because after all, they’re pimping this chick and just says never mind. Hey, Mandisa, guess what? The world of Idol just stopped talking about you. I think by now all my readers know which side of the fence I perch when it comes to Kellie and her naiveté, so suffice to say I’m not moving from this spot anytime soon. Kellie then says to Ryan about Simon, “He uses the weirdest terminologies.” That’s an awfully big word for someone who doesn’t know what a ballsy is or what something working on paper means. But hey, she’s down home and folksy and would never lie to us.
Chris is up next and I have to be honest, I’m bored watching this on tv and I was bored watching it live. Being in the audience wasn’t as fun as I’d hoped it would be. I didn’t even get the chance to sneak backstage and trash all the other contestants with Katharine, which is really why I went. It sort of ruins doing the recaps for me, because I already know half of what I’m going to say and then I’m trying to remember things from before and I can’t so I come up with weaker substitutes and it’s all just a mess. I need a xanax.
Queen likes Chris, because they haven’t seen his last handful of performances that were all the same. He’ll be singing “Innuendo,” which is a song I barely remember and don’t care about. In fact, I can’t even remember how it goes from hearing it a few hours ago. All I keep thinking is Roger Taylor used to be cute, but now he just looks like he forgot to put in his false teeth.
Wow, this is so bad. Now I remember it and he wasn’t this awful in the rehearsal. Chris has on more eye make-up than The Lady Bunny. He’s growing a beard to go with his goatee and you know Seacrest is fuming because it looks way more natural, as does Chris with a woman. Chris is screaming his shaky vibrato all over the place on this completely unmelodic song and it reminds me I have GOT to take my car in this weekend for a re-alignment. No more putting it off! No wonder Queen never sang this song live. Except for a couple of very off notes in the beginning, it’s a typical Daughtry performance. You hear it once and you might go “cool.” But you hear it every single time, no matter what the song is and you yawn, golf clap and go, “oh, that again.” Camryn Mannheim is in the audience screaming for Chris. Boy, they’ll let anyone in there.
And judges say… Randy starts a little fake out before he declares a hot one tonight. Paula takes off her shoes and just squashes dozens of words into meaningless paste and Simon says, good vocal, horrible song choice, echoing my statement of no wonder Queen doesn’t do this song live. Mmmhmm. He tells Chris he was a disappointment because he could have chosen a better song and had a moment, but instead, he chose something self-indulgent. I agree. Chris chose something where he wouldn’t have to stretch as a singer, something he could slap his own brand of snore on and no one would be the wiser, because no one knows the song.
Katharine is next and she has decided to change songs and sing “Who Wants to Live Forever.” In my opinion, this was almost as big a disaster as Pickler, because it’s a song that should not be screamed and shrieked. It’s a great song that can get by with minimal vocal power and I think the message comes through stronger the more gently and heartfelt it’s sung. But McPhee has no idea how to connect with a song, as has been mentioned in the past, she just goes out there, smiles and shrieks it with not an ounce of subtlety. Mandisa was going to do this song before she got voted off and I think she would have handled it in the same way, probably even worse. Someone like Elliott, who has better control of his phrasing and knows how not to oversell a song could have pulled this off better. Hell, I actually think Ace could have done this particular song better, and McPhee has a way better voice than he has. Randy liked it but said it was pitchy. Paula compared her to Celine and Barbra in the shrieking parts and Simon says it was almost a wow moment, but that Kat ought to thank the lighting people because she never looked better. I agree. From the waist up, that blouse really complimented her, but with the pants and belt, it didn’t work.
Speaking of Elliott, he’s sitting with Seacrest in a pimp-chat spot (I think his first in how many weeks since the show’s been on?) and they may as well not have bothered because even double rehearsed, it still comes off as awkward and stilted as it did the first time. Elliott is singing “Somebody to Love,” which is not a song that I A)like or B) think is a good choice for Elliott.
Okay, great example of comparison here. First off- wow, Elliott pulled the shit out. This was way better than rehearsal. That being said, the mix favored the backup singers too much in many spots and I had to turn up the set to hear him better, which was not a problem live. But he was much more confident and on his game and he really made this song his own. I think Brian May telling him that the song was written with Aretha Franklin in mind really freed him and helped. I couldn’t be more pleased because in all honesty, when I left this afternoon, I was worried. On a side note, I have to say, Elliott is starting to look a lot better and more attractive. Once he fixes the teeth, I think he’s good to go. He needs to keep the hair long and the goatee. Randy says there were pitchy parts but that Elliott chose the hardest song and that is was great. Paula concurs and once again, Simon can barely be bothered to comment, only saying that Elliott pulled it off. I really don’t understand what he has against Elliott except for the fact that the boy is missing tits and a cooch for Simon to fantasize about.
Taylor explains that he has switched his song from “We Are the Champions,” to “Crazy Little Thing Called Love,” which sources say was imposed upon him rumored to be because tomorrow night there will be a group sing of it. Taylor claims that he wanted to get back to an upbeat song that he could dance to, because we all know Taylor is so graceful onstage.
Hey, everybody, come on down, crazy Uncle Taylor is drunk again and he’s going to sing, while doing the Bedrock Twitch! Taylor starts out at the mic stand and his vocals are good, even though he still has to pee from last week. Then he attempts to kick over the stand and can’t get his fat thigh up that high in those tight jeans, so he has to try it again. If we’re on the Poseidon, I vote him to play Shelley Winters. Hicks then takes off on his rampant spasms and the back of his ugly jacket looks like there’s a huge sweat stain on it, though it could be the crush of the fake velour. Either way, it’s hideous. He does this fucked up jump-step move on the stairs that I swear he cribbed from the movie “Annie.” Again, a very good vocal but the retardo dancing brings the whole of the performance down. If he insists on doing this, then learn a routine or at least some steps that makes it look like he’s not going to die of cirrhosis in five years.
Randy says it’s great to see the old Taylor back after two weeks, Paula says she doesn’t know whether to give Taylor a record contract or a strait-jacket (but meant it as a compliment) and Simon thought it was hideous and asks if Taylor is drunk, which will ensure Taylor’s votes. If you close your eyes and just listen to him sing, it sounds very good, good enough that the sight of his ham-fatted thighs rubbing together doesn’t detract enough to make it hideous. Ryan toddles out onstage and Randy yells that Simon is drunk, which of course, prompts Seacrest to say, “Someone on the panel is drunk.” I swear he has no sense of decorum. Ryan would start whistling the theme to “Flipper” in front of a bunch of Thalidomide children and not get why that’s bad timing.
Paris brings up the rear (heh) and is singing “The Show Must Go On.” Brian May loves her, loves everything about her. Now we know who’s been voting. Princess is wearing the most inexplicable wig, yet, like something Alfre Woodard would be forced to wear if she had played a hooker on an old episode of “Cagney & Lacey.” Add to that a pleather outfit and weightlifting gloves and it’s just a mess. The performance is half okay, half terribly flat, which is exactly how it sounded live, only a little more ear splitting. Randy feels Paris worked it out, Paula thinks she showed what a rock chick she is and all Simon can get out is he felt it was all a little weird before he gets played off by the theme song. Ryan comes out and slams him for being so helpful, but if we didn’t have to waste so much time of Seacrest’s bullshit banter, then we might have gotten some helpful comments.
My ranking from 1-8
1- Elliott (which would not have been at rehearsal. I’d have put him at #3)
2- Bucky
3- Taylor
4- Chris
5- Katharine
6- Paris
7- Ace
8- Kellie
Who should go- Ace or Kellie.
Who will go- I have a feeling it’s going to be Paris. If not, then Ace. I do think the bottom three is going to contain a couple of surprises, possibly Kellie or Chris, though neither will go.
Okay, I’ll say it again, I didn’t have as much fun going to the rehearsal as I thought I would. There were no hissy fits, nothing was learned that was salacious and it sort of impeded on my enjoyment of the show on tv. Having been to tapings before, both as an audience member and as an actor participating, I know they’re dull as dishwater, but I expected this to be a little different. I think also, the show was disappointing in that it wasn’t the 50 car pile-up we had all hoped it might be. My idol ship is sailing and I’m on the dock, with Doc, waving….
Seagulls out.
Before we get into that, what can we say about Mandisa that hasn’t already been stated ad nauseum? She came, she sang, she pissed off the gays. This is a woman who is emulating the career of Donna Summer. Backwards. But it’s okay, Mandisa. Whenever you want to take back what you’ve said and renounce your prejudiced views, we’ll take you in. We’re a forgiving people. We took in David Geffen. We took in Rosie O’Donnell. If Tom Cruise ever wiggles out of the palm of the iron giant and confesses all, well, I’m sure we’ll even take him in. Hell, we’ve put up with Liza and her crazy ass for 40 years, we’re nothing if not dedicated.
So on with the show. I have two words for you. Seacrest shaved. Is it any coincidence that this happened the same time Teri Hatcher came clean and admitted she was still single and she and Ryan were just friends? Hey, Ryan, we’ll even take you in.
Homeboy is tiny live, like he’d been beamed from his new 11.5 million dollar home to the set of AI by Wonkavision. Ryan claims the songs of Queen are really going to test the talents of the Idols. Or flunk them. Cresty intros the judges. Did anyone see Paula on Leno last night? Girlfriend couldn’t make it through a ten minute appearance without a martini that would have choked Elaine Stritch. I don’t really watch the show, so tell me if I’m wrong, but I was under the impression guests don’t drink while they’re being interviewed. I think we all know what’s in Paula’s coke cup, and it’s not the new olive flavored diet coke.
Ryan takes us on a journey through the career of Queen, starting with a stadium full of mindless people-bots chanting We Will Rock You, then Kellie Pickler in a car trying to jump start her brain, rocking out to Bohemian Rhapsody. $10 says she calls Brian May Freddie. Seacrest talks about their many hits and stadium anthems. I find it a bit ironic and amusing that so many lunkheaded homophobes will chant these songs but not realize or conveniently forget that the man singing them was gay and died of AIDS, a fact Ryan leaves out when mentioning Freddie’s shocking demise in 1991, leaving us to assume he fell down a ravine or accidentally stabbed himself with pinking shears.
We get to see the idols meet Queen and Kellie rushes up, knocking everyone out of the way and hugs Paul Rodgers, braying, “I’m Kellie!” I will never forgive Roger Taylor for not pulling out a gun right then and there and sparing us all Pickler’s rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody. We see them all rocking out and based on this, none of them look the least bit equipped to play on a stage even ¼ the size of the one they’re on. Mandisa is still in the footage, because they decided to torture whoever was going to be voted out last week by making them go meet Queen, anyway. A bit sadistic and I like it.
Ryan tells us that the director of the video for Bohemian Rhapsody is none other than Bruce Gowers, the director of American Idol. We get a shot of Bruce in the control room and since he actually knew the band in their heyday, I search the room to see if I can spot the extra large bottle of Mylanta he will be swigging from throughout the evening. Ryan tries a little humor with Bruce and it falls flat. Flat. Very flat. Ryan seriously cannot handle a joke.
Though I know what’s about to come, more or less, I strap myself in for a disaster of such epic proportion, Charlton Heston is going to be a special guest star. Bucky is up first and will be singing “Fat Bottomed Girls.” We see footage of Bucky onstage with Queen (or as I like to call them- two guys from Queen, the lead singer of Bad Company and some other dude.) Brian May & Roger Taylor talk about Bucky’s…enthusiasm. Roger looks dubious even discussing this, but not as dubious as Mandisa, who is looking at Bucky as though he just dedicated his song to her. I wonder if we’re going to be treated to shots of Mandisa throughout the evening, a sort of Pennebaker-ian touch of docudrama.
Okay, Bucky is much more relaxed when the show isn’t live. He stiffened up severely for this performance. His vocals were about on par for both, which I thought were pretty consistently flat, but still decent. I don’t know what it is but I can’t seem to judge Bucky as harshly as I would any other contestant. I thought this was a good performance for Bucky, maybe in his top three. Oh, and he’s way cuter in person, Pen.
Randy liked the performance, Paula completely mis-analyzed it and said Bucky made it into a country song, which he didn’t, he just sang a rock song and tackled it proficiently. We cut to Simon and who is in back of him but the thief of LaToya London’s career, Fantasia Barrino. Fantasia has been busy promoting her new bio-pic deal for Lifetime, The Fantasia Barrino story, which she’ll star in as herself. Now, see, they would have had me if they’d cast one of their old standbys like Connie Sellecca or Donna Mills or Markie Post, but who’s gonna watch a movie about Fantasia starring Fantasia? Puh-lease. Simon says Bucky’s performance was mediocre. I disagree, but Simon has never liked Bucky and Bucky’s never gonna give a performance that Simon likes until Cowell is ready to get rid of him.
Ace is up next and let me tell you, this one has an ego like nobody’s business. No one milked the applause more than he. Ace will be singing “We Will Rock You.” Cue George Kennedy to come in and try to land our plane, cause it is going down. Ace is being pimped out to the nines by Seacrest who asks him how the intensity of the competition has changed. Ace’s answer- every week it gets more and more intense. I tell you, these chat spots really give you a whole new insight to the contestants not just as singers, but as human beings. Because Ace is not only battling the challenge of being talent-free, he’s battling the challenge that all of us face- life.
Ace is wearing a necklace made out of brown beads that looks like something you’d find at a Ren-Faire booth, made by a mentally challenged Native American girl who’s just trying to battle the challenge of life, which is why Ace bought it. We see Ace onstage with Queen and he’s trying to explain to them what he wants to do with the song. Brian interrupts him and says, “I don’t think we’re going to play your arrangement.” Ace’s cheeks turn even brighter and he sort of shrinks back. I love you, Brian May. I’ll even stop slagging that fuck-wad musical they made of your song catalog. For a week or two. We see Ace trying another approach and Brian laughing at him and saying, “No, can’t do that. Not to my own song. No.”
Okay, a month.
Ace comes out dressed in a chocolate-striped Constantine shirt and black leather pants that are so baggy, I do believe their former owner was Fred Mertz. Seriously, he looks like he’s wearing a pair of adult diapers under there, which is apropos for him, considering he usually takes a big dump onstage, metaphorically. He begins clapping and encouraging the audience to do the same. I want you all to picture me, sitting there, arms folded, with my best Kat McPhee look on my face while everyone else around me clapped, then some caught glimpses of me, immediately felt like schmucks, and stopped clapping. I shut down half a row before ennui took care of the rest.
The first half of the song wasn’t terribly embarrassing, just kind of karaoke with no falsetto, thank god. But then in the second go-round, Ace starts to do this weird guttural kind of singing and goose-stepping around the stage. Ace definitely saved his showboating for the live broadcast. I think he has more confidence, however misplaced. Let’s go to the judges after taking a peek at Mickey Dolenz in the audience.
Randy says it was a 5 out of 10 and was very karaoke. Paula tries very hard to tell Ace it didn’t suck, but even the little guy on the Beefeater label under the table was pulling on her stockings, going, “Paula, luv, it was arse. Tell the boy it was arse.” Simon tells Ace that Randy was being generous, that the performance was a mess. Randy chimes in that yes, he actually was being kind. I don’t know that I agree that it was a mess. Drops of Jupiter was like someone took a huge shit onstage. This was more of a spilled glass of chocolate milk. Simon says he hated it and that means Ace is safe this week.
Ryan asks Ace what he thought and Ace of course feels he rocked. Ryan asks if he was uncomfortable with the whole Brian May situation, alluding to the tape and Ace is still selling t-shirts in the souvenir stand of his mind and doesn’t understand, completely ignoring Ryan’s question and continuing to talk about the performance. Ryan just lets it go. He and Ace will have a good laugh about it later in the hot tub.
Midnight. New Year’s Eve. The S.S. Poseidon. Kellie Pickler takes the stage to sing “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Suddenly, a wall of water 100 feet high decimates the ship, turning it upside down. Death, destruction, carnage- everywhere. Then, from the wreckage, a voice mews out, clear as a bell-
“Aahm sawww-reeee.”
Kellie Pickler. Jason Biggs. Ned Beatty. And Burt Reynolds as Captain Moe, in…
The Big Boat! Coming this summer.
Yes, it is Pickler time. Yes, she IS singing that. Yes, it will suck the poison out of any rattlesnake bite. Kellie says she first heard Queen when she was a little girl. Her dad used to listen to them. And in an ironic twist of fate… yeah, you know where I’m going. We see Pickler onstage with Queen doing her best Britney Spears impersonation, running her hands up and down her body while doing something to BoRhap that can’t really be called singing. It’s more like a sexual assault. Brian and Roger say Kellie was brave to tackle the song, but that it was well done and they love her. Of course their faces resemble the expression the second before the moment of impact, so who can say if they mean it.
Kellie is dressed as though she’s about to sing “Mr. Roboto,” and her hair and make-up are a mini-disaster all their own. If this is what the North Carolina guy is doing, then I’ll be happy to contribute to help him stay in Los Angeles. She has bags under her eyes so big, Mandisa is sitting in the left one, whispering “Do it for Jesus, girl!” Kellie is so fucking pitchy and flat, then sharp, then flat, no wait, she’s sharp and… Oy! But of course, she’s strutting around like the saucy little minx she is with stiletto heels, so Simon will love her, even though with that make-up and lighting job, she resembles a young Beetlejuice. This is about on par with the rehearsal performance, to the point of the mistakes being in the same place. The only reason it wasn’t more of a disaster is because they gutted the song from tip to top and left not much material for Pickler to eviscerate. I’m sure if the producers could have just had Kellie step onstage in a see through halter, yell “Bohemian Rhapsody, y’all!” and stand there for the next 1:40, they would have. I can tell you this audience is more generous, as are the judges. Randy, Paula and Simon all thought Kellie worked it out. I agree. Out of her colon. Simon says that on paper, it shouldn’t have worked but that-
And here’s the comment that’s going to burn up every AI newsgroup and blog for the next week, possibly even longer. Kellie interrupts Simon to squeal- “Huh? On Paper? Whut?” Simon almost rolls his eyes, but stops himself, because after all, they’re pimping this chick and just says never mind. Hey, Mandisa, guess what? The world of Idol just stopped talking about you. I think by now all my readers know which side of the fence I perch when it comes to Kellie and her naiveté, so suffice to say I’m not moving from this spot anytime soon. Kellie then says to Ryan about Simon, “He uses the weirdest terminologies.” That’s an awfully big word for someone who doesn’t know what a ballsy is or what something working on paper means. But hey, she’s down home and folksy and would never lie to us.
Chris is up next and I have to be honest, I’m bored watching this on tv and I was bored watching it live. Being in the audience wasn’t as fun as I’d hoped it would be. I didn’t even get the chance to sneak backstage and trash all the other contestants with Katharine, which is really why I went. It sort of ruins doing the recaps for me, because I already know half of what I’m going to say and then I’m trying to remember things from before and I can’t so I come up with weaker substitutes and it’s all just a mess. I need a xanax.
Queen likes Chris, because they haven’t seen his last handful of performances that were all the same. He’ll be singing “Innuendo,” which is a song I barely remember and don’t care about. In fact, I can’t even remember how it goes from hearing it a few hours ago. All I keep thinking is Roger Taylor used to be cute, but now he just looks like he forgot to put in his false teeth.
Wow, this is so bad. Now I remember it and he wasn’t this awful in the rehearsal. Chris has on more eye make-up than The Lady Bunny. He’s growing a beard to go with his goatee and you know Seacrest is fuming because it looks way more natural, as does Chris with a woman. Chris is screaming his shaky vibrato all over the place on this completely unmelodic song and it reminds me I have GOT to take my car in this weekend for a re-alignment. No more putting it off! No wonder Queen never sang this song live. Except for a couple of very off notes in the beginning, it’s a typical Daughtry performance. You hear it once and you might go “cool.” But you hear it every single time, no matter what the song is and you yawn, golf clap and go, “oh, that again.” Camryn Mannheim is in the audience screaming for Chris. Boy, they’ll let anyone in there.
And judges say… Randy starts a little fake out before he declares a hot one tonight. Paula takes off her shoes and just squashes dozens of words into meaningless paste and Simon says, good vocal, horrible song choice, echoing my statement of no wonder Queen doesn’t do this song live. Mmmhmm. He tells Chris he was a disappointment because he could have chosen a better song and had a moment, but instead, he chose something self-indulgent. I agree. Chris chose something where he wouldn’t have to stretch as a singer, something he could slap his own brand of snore on and no one would be the wiser, because no one knows the song.
Katharine is next and she has decided to change songs and sing “Who Wants to Live Forever.” In my opinion, this was almost as big a disaster as Pickler, because it’s a song that should not be screamed and shrieked. It’s a great song that can get by with minimal vocal power and I think the message comes through stronger the more gently and heartfelt it’s sung. But McPhee has no idea how to connect with a song, as has been mentioned in the past, she just goes out there, smiles and shrieks it with not an ounce of subtlety. Mandisa was going to do this song before she got voted off and I think she would have handled it in the same way, probably even worse. Someone like Elliott, who has better control of his phrasing and knows how not to oversell a song could have pulled this off better. Hell, I actually think Ace could have done this particular song better, and McPhee has a way better voice than he has. Randy liked it but said it was pitchy. Paula compared her to Celine and Barbra in the shrieking parts and Simon says it was almost a wow moment, but that Kat ought to thank the lighting people because she never looked better. I agree. From the waist up, that blouse really complimented her, but with the pants and belt, it didn’t work.
Speaking of Elliott, he’s sitting with Seacrest in a pimp-chat spot (I think his first in how many weeks since the show’s been on?) and they may as well not have bothered because even double rehearsed, it still comes off as awkward and stilted as it did the first time. Elliott is singing “Somebody to Love,” which is not a song that I A)like or B) think is a good choice for Elliott.
Okay, great example of comparison here. First off- wow, Elliott pulled the shit out. This was way better than rehearsal. That being said, the mix favored the backup singers too much in many spots and I had to turn up the set to hear him better, which was not a problem live. But he was much more confident and on his game and he really made this song his own. I think Brian May telling him that the song was written with Aretha Franklin in mind really freed him and helped. I couldn’t be more pleased because in all honesty, when I left this afternoon, I was worried. On a side note, I have to say, Elliott is starting to look a lot better and more attractive. Once he fixes the teeth, I think he’s good to go. He needs to keep the hair long and the goatee. Randy says there were pitchy parts but that Elliott chose the hardest song and that is was great. Paula concurs and once again, Simon can barely be bothered to comment, only saying that Elliott pulled it off. I really don’t understand what he has against Elliott except for the fact that the boy is missing tits and a cooch for Simon to fantasize about.
Taylor explains that he has switched his song from “We Are the Champions,” to “Crazy Little Thing Called Love,” which sources say was imposed upon him rumored to be because tomorrow night there will be a group sing of it. Taylor claims that he wanted to get back to an upbeat song that he could dance to, because we all know Taylor is so graceful onstage.
Hey, everybody, come on down, crazy Uncle Taylor is drunk again and he’s going to sing, while doing the Bedrock Twitch! Taylor starts out at the mic stand and his vocals are good, even though he still has to pee from last week. Then he attempts to kick over the stand and can’t get his fat thigh up that high in those tight jeans, so he has to try it again. If we’re on the Poseidon, I vote him to play Shelley Winters. Hicks then takes off on his rampant spasms and the back of his ugly jacket looks like there’s a huge sweat stain on it, though it could be the crush of the fake velour. Either way, it’s hideous. He does this fucked up jump-step move on the stairs that I swear he cribbed from the movie “Annie.” Again, a very good vocal but the retardo dancing brings the whole of the performance down. If he insists on doing this, then learn a routine or at least some steps that makes it look like he’s not going to die of cirrhosis in five years.
Randy says it’s great to see the old Taylor back after two weeks, Paula says she doesn’t know whether to give Taylor a record contract or a strait-jacket (but meant it as a compliment) and Simon thought it was hideous and asks if Taylor is drunk, which will ensure Taylor’s votes. If you close your eyes and just listen to him sing, it sounds very good, good enough that the sight of his ham-fatted thighs rubbing together doesn’t detract enough to make it hideous. Ryan toddles out onstage and Randy yells that Simon is drunk, which of course, prompts Seacrest to say, “Someone on the panel is drunk.” I swear he has no sense of decorum. Ryan would start whistling the theme to “Flipper” in front of a bunch of Thalidomide children and not get why that’s bad timing.
Paris brings up the rear (heh) and is singing “The Show Must Go On.” Brian May loves her, loves everything about her. Now we know who’s been voting. Princess is wearing the most inexplicable wig, yet, like something Alfre Woodard would be forced to wear if she had played a hooker on an old episode of “Cagney & Lacey.” Add to that a pleather outfit and weightlifting gloves and it’s just a mess. The performance is half okay, half terribly flat, which is exactly how it sounded live, only a little more ear splitting. Randy feels Paris worked it out, Paula thinks she showed what a rock chick she is and all Simon can get out is he felt it was all a little weird before he gets played off by the theme song. Ryan comes out and slams him for being so helpful, but if we didn’t have to waste so much time of Seacrest’s bullshit banter, then we might have gotten some helpful comments.
My ranking from 1-8
1- Elliott (which would not have been at rehearsal. I’d have put him at #3)
2- Bucky
3- Taylor
4- Chris
5- Katharine
6- Paris
7- Ace
8- Kellie
Who should go- Ace or Kellie.
Who will go- I have a feeling it’s going to be Paris. If not, then Ace. I do think the bottom three is going to contain a couple of surprises, possibly Kellie or Chris, though neither will go.
Okay, I’ll say it again, I didn’t have as much fun going to the rehearsal as I thought I would. There were no hissy fits, nothing was learned that was salacious and it sort of impeded on my enjoyment of the show on tv. Having been to tapings before, both as an audience member and as an actor participating, I know they’re dull as dishwater, but I expected this to be a little different. I think also, the show was disappointing in that it wasn’t the 50 car pile-up we had all hoped it might be. My idol ship is sailing and I’m on the dock, with Doc, waving….
Seagulls out.
posted by kieran at 2:56 PM
1 Comments:
Kieran, I'm going to have to start wearing depends if I am to keep reading your reports. They are way more entertaining than the actual performances. Thanks for making my day.
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