Any Man of Hers...Isn't Gay. AI Re-cap 4/5
Line ‘em up and paint dorky smiles on their faces. All except McPhee, who must huff skunk juice right before going on, because what a puss she has plastered on. It’s time for the results show.
Seacrest is in the back of the audience and you know it took every ounce of discipline for him not to shave after everyone in the world ragged on him for that ridiculous beard. (no, not Teri Hatcher, the “other” beard.) But Seacrest will not be proven wrong, no matter how many mani-pedis and facials he gets. He’s MANLY! Oh, he’s got a number for us this week. I guess the results weren’t as humiliating as last time out. 35 million votes. The audience applauds for the remaining nine and someone must have pinched McPhee, because she’s chosen to start smiling. Either that or she’s imagining all the applause is for her, like some demented Mama Rose.
Randy has the night off from Sizzler and Simon is wearing the same sweater as last night. Randy boos Simon when they announce his name and since only Paula has signed her contract (3 more years at 5-8 million dollars!! Fuck, I’d be happy to give better criticism for 1/20th of that. Hell, I’d be more qualified and I don’t drink or take drugs.) Randy had better not bite the hand that feeds.
They start strolling down last night’s memory lane and give all the contestants high marks, however none of them are from Simon, so they don’t really mean much. Praise from Paula and Randy is like my mom telling me I’m cute. What the hell does she know? The only positive comment from Simon was the one to Paris, in which he obviously curried favor from the audience after complaining about continually getting booed. He could have just said “nice wig” and been done with it.
Ryan introduces Kenny Rogers and the team of six white horses in back of him, pulling his face taut. Yeah, I had a day to reflect a bit more on King Kenny and I’m sour. The audience applauds and a quick shot to Taylor reflects he’s feeling a tad sour, as well. I guess all the Holiday Inns in Alabama are no longer going to get to hear “Lucille” performed by their bar band.
Kenny tries to get Simon to come around to country music and Simon says he likes Kenny’s songs. I actually, do, too, or I did when I was growing up. To me, they’re part of the old school country, before it became bland. Ryan asks Rogers what he thought about the contestants and he answers that he was most impressed with them personally, which when you think about it, is a slap in the face to their talent, however not a completely off the mark criticism after the past two weeks. Taylor still looks offended, Mandisa is smiling like she’s carrying the memory torch for Gedeon and McPhee totally gets that Kenny just insulted them all.
Kenny is going to perform the first single from his new album “Water and Bridges,” called “I Can’t Unlove You.” Is that anything like I can’t unfire you? Because you could have, you fat bastard. Wow, Rogers has lost it, vocally. That sucks. I mean he makes Bucky sound good. Pickler looks weird with her hair pulled back. For a minute, I thought maybe Carmen the hairstylist from North Carolina had whacked it all off short. Hey, Kenny is starting to sound better. Yeah, I can forgive and forget. Someday. The contestants hug Rogers after he finishes and Paris goes up to him and bleats, “You were good,” as though it wasn’t true until she said so.
New Idol commercial to “Just One Look.” We see Kellie and Taylor in the roles they were born to play and probably will be playing once the competition is over. Taylor is a mechanic and Pickler is dressed slutty and bringing her sugar daddy’s car in to get fixed. Now if only the commercial goes on to show Katharine as a dominatrix and Paris as a Macy’s Christmas elf, then this will be near cinema verite. God, that was the dumbest fucking commercial yet. Don’t Fords usually turn into pieces of crap almost immediately, instead of the other way around?
Ryan tells us that next week, the Idols will be performing the music of Queen and the audience squeals its surprise, as though the information hadn’t been floating around on the internet for the past two weeks. He then shows us clips of everyone rehearsing with the band, which is just bullshit footage of them pretending to play with Queen, but is a little cruel, since one of them won’t really be doing that after the next 10 minutes.
Ryan is changing things up this week. He’s going to split the contestants up into three groups of three, one of which is the bottom three. While he’s explaining this, Bucky stifles a yawn. Yeah, I hear ya. The groups are broken up as such- Taylor, Kellie and Chris; Mandisa, Elliot and Paris and Ace, Katharine and Bucky. Hard to call, because while I’m sure Chris is safe, so that means his group is safe, both of the other groups had some bad performances, so it could be either one. I’m banking on the Ace group, simply because it has Ace in it, but I’d be surprised if McPhee was in the bottom a second week in a row. That plus Mandisa was really bad last night. I think perhaps TPTB want to shake things up a bit and it will be Mandisa’s group.
And, as expected, Chris’ group is safe, which does show how much support Taylor has since he gave an el stinko performance last night and rightfully should be in the bottom three. My personal three choices would be Taylor, Seacrest’s facial hair and Randy’s red vest, but that’s just me. Yes, TPTB have decided to keep Ace on another week. Well, fresh material for me, I suppose. You can’t build a column on Pickler crap every week, though she really does make it so damned easy.
Okay, I’m fucking terrified for Elliott. However, I’m going on a limb and saying it’s Mandisa. She pissed off the gays and had two awful weeks in a row. Of course, nowhere near as awful as the six weeks in a row Ace has had, but then again, Ace has Bambi eyes and a washboard stomach. Back from the break and Paris is safe. Fuck. Me. It’s down to Elliott and Mandisa and I’m still thinking Mandisa, which doesn’t give me any pleasure, but I’d rather see her go than Elliott. My eyes are shut and I’m cringing and it’s… Mandisa. Cut to a shot of Paris and for once, she’s not crying, because now she’s got the black vote locked up. Mandisa performs her song just as badly as she did last night.
Yes, I know I said yesterday that I had given up on her, but man I wanted to see her stick around for Queen night. She would have kicked ass on half a dozen numbers. Instead, we’ll get to see Paris, Bucky and worst of all, Ace, try hard not to take a shit all over the memory of Freddie Mercury. Let this be a lesson to you, Mandisa, you do not wanna piss off the gays. No ma’am. Well, anyway, I see a possible future for her in gospel music, which is where I think she’s best suited. Oh Mandy, I loved you, you lost me, you’ll be missed.
Join me next week as I am sure seeing these 8 perform the music of Queen will be a treasure trove of snark. And I have chosen a winner of last week’s “How Ace Really Got His Scar,” contest, so check out the blog-site for the winner and top three choices.
Seagulls Out.
Seacrest is in the back of the audience and you know it took every ounce of discipline for him not to shave after everyone in the world ragged on him for that ridiculous beard. (no, not Teri Hatcher, the “other” beard.) But Seacrest will not be proven wrong, no matter how many mani-pedis and facials he gets. He’s MANLY! Oh, he’s got a number for us this week. I guess the results weren’t as humiliating as last time out. 35 million votes. The audience applauds for the remaining nine and someone must have pinched McPhee, because she’s chosen to start smiling. Either that or she’s imagining all the applause is for her, like some demented Mama Rose.
Randy has the night off from Sizzler and Simon is wearing the same sweater as last night. Randy boos Simon when they announce his name and since only Paula has signed her contract (3 more years at 5-8 million dollars!! Fuck, I’d be happy to give better criticism for 1/20th of that. Hell, I’d be more qualified and I don’t drink or take drugs.) Randy had better not bite the hand that feeds.
They start strolling down last night’s memory lane and give all the contestants high marks, however none of them are from Simon, so they don’t really mean much. Praise from Paula and Randy is like my mom telling me I’m cute. What the hell does she know? The only positive comment from Simon was the one to Paris, in which he obviously curried favor from the audience after complaining about continually getting booed. He could have just said “nice wig” and been done with it.
Ryan introduces Kenny Rogers and the team of six white horses in back of him, pulling his face taut. Yeah, I had a day to reflect a bit more on King Kenny and I’m sour. The audience applauds and a quick shot to Taylor reflects he’s feeling a tad sour, as well. I guess all the Holiday Inns in Alabama are no longer going to get to hear “Lucille” performed by their bar band.
Kenny tries to get Simon to come around to country music and Simon says he likes Kenny’s songs. I actually, do, too, or I did when I was growing up. To me, they’re part of the old school country, before it became bland. Ryan asks Rogers what he thought about the contestants and he answers that he was most impressed with them personally, which when you think about it, is a slap in the face to their talent, however not a completely off the mark criticism after the past two weeks. Taylor still looks offended, Mandisa is smiling like she’s carrying the memory torch for Gedeon and McPhee totally gets that Kenny just insulted them all.
Kenny is going to perform the first single from his new album “Water and Bridges,” called “I Can’t Unlove You.” Is that anything like I can’t unfire you? Because you could have, you fat bastard. Wow, Rogers has lost it, vocally. That sucks. I mean he makes Bucky sound good. Pickler looks weird with her hair pulled back. For a minute, I thought maybe Carmen the hairstylist from North Carolina had whacked it all off short. Hey, Kenny is starting to sound better. Yeah, I can forgive and forget. Someday. The contestants hug Rogers after he finishes and Paris goes up to him and bleats, “You were good,” as though it wasn’t true until she said so.
New Idol commercial to “Just One Look.” We see Kellie and Taylor in the roles they were born to play and probably will be playing once the competition is over. Taylor is a mechanic and Pickler is dressed slutty and bringing her sugar daddy’s car in to get fixed. Now if only the commercial goes on to show Katharine as a dominatrix and Paris as a Macy’s Christmas elf, then this will be near cinema verite. God, that was the dumbest fucking commercial yet. Don’t Fords usually turn into pieces of crap almost immediately, instead of the other way around?
Ryan tells us that next week, the Idols will be performing the music of Queen and the audience squeals its surprise, as though the information hadn’t been floating around on the internet for the past two weeks. He then shows us clips of everyone rehearsing with the band, which is just bullshit footage of them pretending to play with Queen, but is a little cruel, since one of them won’t really be doing that after the next 10 minutes.
Ryan is changing things up this week. He’s going to split the contestants up into three groups of three, one of which is the bottom three. While he’s explaining this, Bucky stifles a yawn. Yeah, I hear ya. The groups are broken up as such- Taylor, Kellie and Chris; Mandisa, Elliot and Paris and Ace, Katharine and Bucky. Hard to call, because while I’m sure Chris is safe, so that means his group is safe, both of the other groups had some bad performances, so it could be either one. I’m banking on the Ace group, simply because it has Ace in it, but I’d be surprised if McPhee was in the bottom a second week in a row. That plus Mandisa was really bad last night. I think perhaps TPTB want to shake things up a bit and it will be Mandisa’s group.
And, as expected, Chris’ group is safe, which does show how much support Taylor has since he gave an el stinko performance last night and rightfully should be in the bottom three. My personal three choices would be Taylor, Seacrest’s facial hair and Randy’s red vest, but that’s just me. Yes, TPTB have decided to keep Ace on another week. Well, fresh material for me, I suppose. You can’t build a column on Pickler crap every week, though she really does make it so damned easy.
Okay, I’m fucking terrified for Elliott. However, I’m going on a limb and saying it’s Mandisa. She pissed off the gays and had two awful weeks in a row. Of course, nowhere near as awful as the six weeks in a row Ace has had, but then again, Ace has Bambi eyes and a washboard stomach. Back from the break and Paris is safe. Fuck. Me. It’s down to Elliott and Mandisa and I’m still thinking Mandisa, which doesn’t give me any pleasure, but I’d rather see her go than Elliott. My eyes are shut and I’m cringing and it’s… Mandisa. Cut to a shot of Paris and for once, she’s not crying, because now she’s got the black vote locked up. Mandisa performs her song just as badly as she did last night.
Yes, I know I said yesterday that I had given up on her, but man I wanted to see her stick around for Queen night. She would have kicked ass on half a dozen numbers. Instead, we’ll get to see Paris, Bucky and worst of all, Ace, try hard not to take a shit all over the memory of Freddie Mercury. Let this be a lesson to you, Mandisa, you do not wanna piss off the gays. No ma’am. Well, anyway, I see a possible future for her in gospel music, which is where I think she’s best suited. Oh Mandy, I loved you, you lost me, you’ll be missed.
Join me next week as I am sure seeing these 8 perform the music of Queen will be a treasure trove of snark. And I have chosen a winner of last week’s “How Ace Really Got His Scar,” contest, so check out the blog-site for the winner and top three choices.
Seagulls Out.
posted by kieran at 10:52 PM
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