Just Once Let Him Be in the Bottom Three. AI Re-cap 4/25

Another stormy Tuesday. Where oh where does the time go? Before I begin the beguine I’d like to address last week’s re-cap for the moment and my mini hiss-fit. While I’m not for a moment taking it back, I’d like to give a shout out to all the people in all the different AI forums this column goes out to who wrote in or posted how much they enjoyed reading. Much to my surprise, I actually do have more than twelve readers and I’m glad you all took the time out to let me know, so thank you.

Seacrest is at the back of the house and wearing pink in mourning for Ace Young. Later, he’s going to tug on his inseam as a special signal. Dress left means I love you, dress right means come on over later for a Harvey’s Bristol Cream. It’s downright upright. Stevie Scott waves coquettishly into the camera. You all might remember her as the first girl to be voted out of the group of 24. I know, those halcyon days of two months ago when gas was under three dollars and Daniel Powter wasn’t yet a future one-hit-wonder. A little more coquette might have gotten you further, Stevie. Points for anyone who can remember the one song she sang. More points if you keep it to yourself.

Ryan is clean shaven and hair-cutted this week. He pays tribute to his fallen idol “heartthrob” Ace and introduces the other heartthrobs of the show, Randy and Simon, as well as the drunk, Paula. Scuttlebutt going around is that Paula and Ryan are in a feud, with Abdul not speaking to Seacrest. I suppose anyone who constantly ridicules her drinking on-air and steals her choice of conquest this season would incur her wrath. Hey, Cresty, let the pros take care of bashing Paula. You just stand back and look vapid.

Our theme this week is the greatest love songs of all time and special guests are creepy blind uber-vocalist Andrea Bocelli and failed reality show papa, uber-producer David Foster. I am so hoping Foster treats the idols like he did his step kids. How hot would that be watching him have an aneurysm at Pickler the minute she walks into the room? Celine Dion says if God had a singing voice, he’d sound like Andrea Bocelli. So God is a cheeseball vocalist who doesn’t have the decency to wear dark glasses so I don’t have to look at his creepy half closed eyes? I mean, for chrissakes, this guy must have done some awards shows. Don’t tell me in all those swag bags, he’s never gotten a free pair of Ray-Bans.

Bocelli is appearing this week to shill his new album “Amore” which is a set of duets produced by Foster and sung with the likes of Christina Aguilera and Stevie Wonder. Oh to be a fly on the wall on that day in the studio. It’s too bad they couldn’t get Jose Feliciano to join them. They could have sat in a circle by a fire and passed around the one pair of dark glasses like the witches in Perseus and Andromeda.

Is it me, or does Bocelli, when he sings, sound like John Denver with an Italian accent? Apparently Foster is running the show this week while rehearsing with the idols. He gives it to them straight as I hoped he would, while Bocelli sits in the back spouting sayings off the Gallo wine bottles like “Only can you be great if it is your destiny to be great.” Meanwhile, Foster is telling Chris he only sings from the neck up. Ok, now I wish Ace was here this week.

Katharine McPhee is first and she’ll be singing “I Have Nothing,” by Whitney Houston, which David Foster wrote. This is a perfect match for McPhlatulence, as Houston was the originator of modern melisma and we have her to thank for all the Mariah Careys and Celines and Alicia Keys. No wonder she’s a crack whore. If that was my musical legacy, I’d be mainlining elephant tranqs. Foster works hard to get the ragtime stripper-ness out of McPhee’s voice, but is only partially successful. Put on the spot, Bocelli is forced to say Katharine could be an opera singer and they do a duet together. McPhee does everything but turn to the camera and scream “In your face, Pickler!”

Already, McPhee has a smile on her face while she’s singing. I have nothing, nothing, nothing, if I don’t have you. Oh wait, I have this big dopey fucking grin, too. She’s having trouble in her lower register, so what does she do? She smiles big and waves to the camera. Do you think Katharine has been having one long hallucination during this whole process and while we all see her on a stage, competing for the Idol crown, she sees herself riding down Pasadena Boulevard on a float in the Tournament of Roses parade? Kat preens and struts, pow, cut it out, no taking and no giving. She completely blows the advice Foster gave her in the key change and does the “shimmy like my sister Kate” vocal growl one does when they can’t quite hit the note. John Wayne Gacy is again crying in the audience. Do you think that when he had to change Kat’s diapers he used to boo-hoo over her boom-booms? Pesiha, come here! Look what our angel created!!

Now I see why McPhee smiles all the time. Toward the end of the song, she tries to go all Diary of Mad Black Woman on our asses and the effect is ludicrous. She quickly goes from stomp to smile for the big finish. Ok, so what did I think of the vocal? Well, it’s the kind of song that always gets votes and is easy to make sound good, unless you’re Lisa Tucker. Katharine will prove this week that being first doesn’t automatically land you in the bottom three. Katharine didn’t suck, but she didn’t do anything interesting with the song. What can you really do with a Whitney song? You can slavishly imitate it or you can try to slavishly imitate it and suck. Either way, you don’t come up a winner. Katharine fell somewhere in between.

The judges are not pleased. Randy says the song was too big for McPhee. I don’t agree. Kat has never met a melisma she couldn’t jab with a dull butter knife until it cried uncle and surrendered. Paula says Katharine looks gorgeous, which is the beginning of a diss, and says Katharine wasn’t in her natural zone and pushed the vocal. McPhee frowns at Paula, but tries to keep the faux smile in place. Simon says that by Katharine singing that song, she invited comparison with Whitney and lost. I actually think Paula’s comments were astute and well thought out for once and sounded better than either Randy’s or Simon’s. But this diss should rally the McPhee voters around her and keep her safe.

Okay, Ryan comes out and completely puts his size 5 Kenneth Cole into his mouth. He says to Katharine, “Well, I’m sure for those who had their volume turned down, you’re going to get votes,” complimenting Kat on her dress, but basically saying she sucked in performance. That’s our Ryan. Each Idoler has two numbers to call this week to get through. I wonder how that’s going to affect dialidol.com?

Elliott is up next and he is singing “A Song For You,” by Donny Hathaway. I don’t think I know this one, but, Bryan Adams notwithstanding, Elliott has great taste in choosing music. He says he wants to honor the memory of Hathaway’s music and bring it back to the forefront. Then how about helping to get the first season of “Maude” onto DVD?! One of Donny’s daughters, Kenya, is a back-up singer with the band. She looks all of 22 and I thought Donny died back in ’78. Once again in the clip, David Foster dominates, while Andrea dreams of cannoli and pinching Italian women’s asses. Foster rides Elliott hard and is kind of a dick to him, but for good cause. He really seems to improve Elliott’s vocal. Let’s see if Yamin implements it in the actual performance.

Hearing this song, I do know it, vaguely. I think The Carpenters covered it. Okay, the vocal was fucking shattering and I mean that in a good way, just simply, supremely beautiful and heartfelt. However- this is the first week where I can agree with comments in the past about Elliott’s personality while singing. The emotion in his voice was not coming through in body language or feeling. Perhaps it really has always been that way, though I don’t agree, but for this week and this song, he was lacking. I immediately had to rewind this and listen to it again without watching and it was even better the second time. A definite second “wow” moment of the season.

Randy did not like the arrangement, and I can’t comment since I am not familiar with the original, but he thought Elliott’s vocals were the bomb. Simon felt parts of it were like listening to a vocal master class and that it was superb, however he edited his previous comment of weeks ago when he called Elliott the best male singer in five seasons of the competition to now read “one of the best male singers”.

Paula had tears in her eyes and talked about how beautiful Elliott was and how he moved her and has done so from the beginning and she actually made me cry. Paula is on this week and I just want to hug her. And she’s right and Elliott is beautiful and as he progresses, he’s getting more so, because when someone has a gift like he does and feels it and connects with it the way he does, it radiates from within and lights up their whole being and it makes Elliott more handsome and better looking than if you were to just look at a photo of him. Whereas with someone like Ace, it’s the opposite. You look at a picture and you think, cute, hottie, whatever, but then he opens his mouth to sing and it’s false and forced and you start noticing his hair is stringy and his cheeks are a little too red. I just love Elliott so much and though I am prepared to say goodbye to him this week, it’s gonna be sad to go out on such an amazing performance.

And like the principal coming into the boys room to harsh my smoke buzz, here’s Kellie Pickler. Not only that, but now I’m running late because I took a phone call where I got offered a job to do a script analysis for a copyright infringement case. This is what professional writers do in between jobs, blogs, technical manuals and expert witness gigs.

Speaking of professionals, let’s see what the UPN’s answer to Reese Witherspoon has to say. Seems Pickler is bemoaning the fact that she doesn’t have a boyfriend. This leads into a painful, scripted piece of banter between her and Seacrest where she talks about the movie “Ghost,” the pottery wheel scene and the fact that she’ll be singing “Unchained Melody.” Thanks to residuals, I haven’t fallen so far that I’d be reduced to writing these little pieces in between the songs. When Kellie unleashes her Leann Rimes take of the song on David Foster and Bocelli, Foster stares at her, slack jawed, and the thought bubble over Andrea’s head likely says “Mamma Mia, this girl must have one a-smokin’ rack!” Foster tries to get Pickler to hit the high falsetto note at the end and she does a dreadful approximation of it, yet somehow satisfies him with it. Bocelli says she has a lovely personality, and correctly guesses that Kellie is a blonde. I wonder what gave it away?

Pickler already has two strikes against her at the beginning as the arrangement calls for her to start in the middle of the song. If you just came back from getting a baloney sandwich (forgetting you’re actually being served one via the television set at the same time) you might think you were joining the song already in progress. Kellie looks as though she’s in a trance and I’m guessing Chris took out a pocket watch and swung it in front of her eyes for ten seconds right before she went onstage. You know that only works in the movies and on Pickler. She hits a few raw notes here and there and it’s the only thing keeping me awake. I’ve never been a big fan of this song, but I acknowledge it’s a classic. And if you can’t put across the fact that it’s a classic, but instead while singing it make the entire audience wonder what it is they ever saw in the song, then you are a shitty singer. Kellie Pickler is a shitty singer. On her attempted falsetto at the end she manages to rally exactly one audience member to applaud. The rest of the crowd has otherwise been primed for Pat Collins, The Hip Hypnotist. I’m sorry, but this was way worse than last week.

Kellie already starts off with the scared little in-bred look on her face. Randy says she butchered it. Paula says she doesn’t see Kellie raising the bar and showing any greatness. Simon says it was monotonous and robotic and awful and then gets played off because of time constraints, but he got his point across and more importantly, they left little time for Kellie to make her retarded puppy face into the camera and beg for the country folk vote.

Paris is next, coming off last week’s amazing performance that somehow landed her in the bottom three, so one wonders what level the ego is going to be set tonight. Princess Urine will be singing “The Way We Were,” otherwise known as Ace and Ryan’s theme. Paris says this is the perfect song for her because at seventeen, she doesn’t have love thoughts, but she has memories. Okay, Macy Gray coming off a three week bender couldn’t have said something that stupid. We now have proof- Kellie is an infectious disease. Foster directs Paris to sing the first eight bars more softly and Bocelli says nothing of import while sounding like Luigi the pizza guy from The Simpsons. Why is he here besides to shill an album? Foster is doing all the heavy lifting.

Paris is dressed and wigged up like Carmela Soprano if she’d been played by Telma Hopkins, post-Bosom Buddies, pre-Gimme a Break. She’s channeling Fantasia mightily tonight and it doesn’t sound good. ¾ of the notes are there but I don’t think she has a clue as to what she’s singing and is bringing no emotion to it, just shouting. Randy says he liked it but wasn’t blown away, Paula says Paris oversang the song and Simon rushes through saying it sounded good, getting all snitty with Ryan. It wasn’t like Simon didn’t get anything out last time. What a little girl he can be sometimes. Paris burbles “Thank Yeww” three times before she disappears from my screen and I wonder if this was enough to get her to disappear from the show.

Back from the break and Taylor is up. He’ll be singing “Just Once,” which is obviously a new concept to him, especially when it comes to the buffet table. Andrea Bocelli flashes us his creepy, Masters of the Universe-looking eyeballs a couple times and says Taylor is “interesting.” Uh, is it too late to get my money back for the Learning Annex class I signed up for with this guy? Foster says Taylor has the most charisma of all the Idols and I suppose if tics and whoos translate to charisma, then yes, Taylor has it in spades.

I’m trying an experiment tonight. I decided to hold it until I really had to pee and then watch Taylor perform, so I could get an idea of what it is to be in his shoes. So here I go, dying to just hop up and head to the bathroom, but instead, I’m gonna watch Taylor sing.

Taylor is dressed like that proverbial drunk uncle at a wedding, in an undone tuxedo jacket and white button-down shirt. I’m now rocking back and forth in my chair as Taylor bombs on the first few low notes. Is it me or does it look like he’s reading the lyrics off the palm of his left hand? Taylor is really boring on this. Foster said Taylor should do well because the song itself is a star and yes, this is a great song to spotlight amazing vocals, so someone like Elliott, who has amazing vocals, should have sung it. What was said to Katharine about singing a Whitney Houston song should go double for singing a James Ingram song. Ingram has an incredible range and it’s terribly difficult to emulate him and if you can’t sing the song as well as he can, don’t even dare to attempt it. This was a shoddy job with a horrible anticlimactic ending and Taylor really should be in the bottom three this week, but he won’t. And except for some mild bouncing, I wasn’t sparked to run to the toilet, so that experiment was botched.

The judges, none of them, liked it and Paula interrupts Simon to yell at Taylor that we all love him, which is weird, since she didn’t particularly care for the performance herself. Goddamn it, you were doing so well tonight, giving really good, astute comments but you just couldn’t hold your shit together through two more songs before letting out the crazy, could you? I don’t ask for much from you, but this night was important!! Now no boy will ever want to take me to the dance and it’s all your fault, momma! I hate you!

Chris is bringing up the rear, which is a perfect dosage of televised ambien for me. In the excitement of watching Taylor get his head handed to him, I forgot to go pee. Ok, I’m back. Chris is going to be singing “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman,” which is another song I really can’t stand, but Chris thinks it’s amazing. Foster blasts Chris for singing from his throat and gets him to lie on the floor and sing, forcing him to use his diaphragm. All it looks like to me is that Chris’s neck cords are straining even more and it doesn’t sound a bit different. Foster says that it could be the performance of a lifetime if Chris does it right. He starts to say “But…” and is cut off by the cameras. I’m sure I’ll be able to finish that sentence once I watch Chris.

Okay, I don’t know what key he’s singing in, but it doesn’t match the band. We now have two, count ‘em, two guitar players onstage with Daughtry. I can just see the negotiations that went on for this.

Ken, the director: Well, mate, I can’t give you a bloody mariachi band and a light show.

Chris: Okay, well, how about a three piece combo and I give up the smoke machine.

Ken: One guitar player and I’ll get an intern to flick the lightswitch on and off.

Chris: Two guitar players and my wife will sleep with you.

Ken: The one wif the bad teeth? She’s a right plum! It’s a deal.

I can’t understand a word Chris is saying. He’s mumbling into the mic and, oh here he goes, now he’s screaming and the words can be heard. Wouldn’t it just be the height of delight if Chris sang “One Trick Pony,” by Paul Simon? This is just screechy and tuneless and awful. The judges have to speed through their comments and they must have decided that after last week’s shocking placement of their boy in the bottom three that, not only would he get their pimp spot of going last, but that the judges would uniformly kiss his ass. This is exactly the kind of performance Simon railed at Chris for not two weeks ago.

Okay, my Top 6

1- Elliot
(HUGE SPACE)
2- Katharine
3- Chris
4- Paris
5- Kellie
6- Taylor

Who should go- Kellie
Who will go- Elliott, but if America comes out of their beef coma, then possibly Paris.


So there you have it- the greatest love songs of all time. Based on those selections I have one thing to say- Where the hell was Air Supply? Well, until tomorrow night when Elliott is probably once again undeservedly in the bottom three and Kellie is auditioning to be Bocelli’s personal seeing eye dog….

Seagulls out.