Saved By the Bald. AI Re-cap 5/10
Okay, let’s not beat around the bush. By this time, you know what’s happened and I know what’s happened so why put up the pretense that I’m actually watching this thing live? Well, because it wouldn’t be a re-cap if we didn’t each do our parts, however this week, I’m going to discuss the episode with hindsight. We’re gonna try and make sense out of this newest derailment. Folks, “Supertrain” wasn’t this unstable. This is- American Idol.
Pan across the final four. Taylor is smiling, Chris is smiling big, Elliott is smiling, Katharine has gas. Seacrest shambles out onstage and gives a conspiratorial wink and smile to Rebecca Romijn and her latest himbo, Jerry O’Connell. Apparently, John Stamos was too deep for Pepper Dennis and she had to go off and find someone who matched her vapidity level more closely. More from this cipher in a few.
Ryan introduces the players. All contestants are now smiling, including Kat. I’m gonna keep a running Puss-o-meter for Katharine throughout the evening. Whenever they cut to a shot of her, you’ll either see a : ) or a : (, followed by a number. So far we’re : )-1 : (-1.
Ryan says hello to the judges and calls Paula the “dancing Paula Abdul,” still trying to make last night’s joke funny. We see a re-cap of last night’s performances and after a one day reprieve, Katharine medley looks even more like it wouldn’t pass muster on The Donny & Marie Show. If Marie is a little bit country and Donny’s a little bit Rock-n-Roll, then McPhee is a whole lotta Gong Show. Where the hell was Jaye P. Morgan last night to put that broad out of our misery?
The judges are having a good ol’ time. Paula is in Simon’s lap as Randy and Ryan watch them flail around. The contestants smile, except for Kat. : (-2
Worst. Pimp-o-mercial. Ever. And Jim Henson really should have taken a page from Wayland Flowers’ book. When Wayland died, he requested Madame be buried with him. This way, we wouldn’t have to listen to someone who sounded nothing like her doing her voice. The least they could have done was give Kermit a stoma and one of those electronic voice thingies. Anything would be better than the rube voicing him now.
Katharine : )-2, probably because she starred in the commercial. We see more footage of the idols at Graceland with Priscilla slapping on a little extra make-up before she gives them the tour so no one will notice she’s really one of the aliens from V. Presley looks about as excited to be giving it as I am to be watching it. The idols seem to be getting the exact same tour as anyone else who pays their money to go through Graceland, so I’m not quite sure what’s so special about it. Then she takes them outside and Taylor holds an umbrella over Priscilla so the paraffin covering 90% of her body doesn’t melt. Lisa Marie shows up, looking even more underwhelmed than her mother and takes the four on a golf cart ride, afterwards giving them all hugs and slipping paperback copies of Dianetics in their pockets.
Time for the group sing. Elliott starts out with “Don’t Be Cruel,” then they all go into “Blue Suede Shoes,” then Taylor twitches out onto the bridge and sings “Heartbreak Hotel.” I’m guessing there’s a Denny’s attached to that hotel because when Hicks hunches over, you can see his man-boobs. Memo to Taylor- jackets are slimming. Tight button down shirts, not so much. Katharine sings “Are You Lonesome Tonight,” Chris tackles “Love Me Tender.” They all do some horrid song where Randy Jackson tries to join in, then Chief Crazy Legs lumbers back onto the bridge to scream “Burnin’ Love.” Katharine joins him and the two dance together in the middle like two kids from the “special class,” one with water on the brain and the other with elephantitis, who were allowed to do a number in the elementary school talent show and chose to re-enact “You’re the One That I Want.” All four bring it home and then the Ice Fantasies skate out onstage with Harvey Korman and H.R. Pufnstuf. Confetti for all!!
Oh, here comes my favorite part. Ryan is in the audience and decides to randomly say hello to Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell. After making sure he pimps the new X-Men movie (Fox product) but not Pepper Dennis (non-Fox product), Ryan pretends to have a conversation with Romijn. The banter is so forced and Seacrest is so tense waiting for the inevitable punchline, that he keeps moving the microphone back under Romijn’s mouth, even when she isn’t talking, as though to subtly prompt her to get to the business at hand. That business at hand is Rebecca “requesting” to hear Taylor sing Jailhouse Rock again. Katharine : (-3, though this time I don’t blame her.
Okay, now for some strange reason, my satellite feed has just changed over to one of those nature shows, like they show on Animal Planet. I don’t know what’s going on but now I’m watching a water buffalo galloping down- oh, wait, sorry. It’s Taylor running up the stairs to start his song. Hey, look, there’s a pre-planted mic on the floor from his start position. Yeah, this was spontaneous. Taylor dances down the aisle, interacting with the crowd, at one point dancing near Elliott’s mom, who is a good sport and dances along. If it was my kid, I’d have kicked Taylor in the balls, give him a good reason to buckle those legs. Simon is turned around in his seat, not even watching. Melissa Rivers is in the audience and though she can’t be more than 40, she looks as though her face has been molded from the extra skin taken off Priscilla Presley.
Ryan thanks Taylor for agreeing to partake in the extra promotion, then invites the other Idols to come down to the stage. He places Elliott next to Taylor on his right, then Chris and Katharine together on his left. Ryan tells us one group is the top two, the other the bottom two. Katharine : (-4. Ryan says he will let us know…then pauses for effect as though he doesn’t do this every week and someone in the audience yells out “after the break!” which causes Katharine to : )-3 because Seacrest is such a hambone.
Back from the break and from here on in, Katharine is permanently : (. The pissed off puss on her face is stuck like glue. Only another’s misery will return the smile to her cherubic face. Ryan sends Taylor and Elliott back to the couch. Chris claps and smiles, Kat stands irritated with her hands at her sides. Such a sweetheart, such a good sport.
Ryan asks Simon who he thinks is leaving tonight and McPhee rolls her eyes because she knows he’s gonna say her. Hey, sweetheart, it’s not like you didn’t have explosive diarrhea all over the stage with those two songs on Tuesday. You have no one to blame but yourself. Simon says based on last night, Kat should go home. The audience boos, but Peisha just sits and watches. Even she knows her daughter blew chunks. Ryan tells Chris that a lot of people thought he had the potential to be the next American Idol. Chris smiles at the audience’s reaction and Ryan blurts out- you’re going home. Katharine looks genuinely shocked. I don’t have an emoticon for that so how’s this? >:o
Paula is devastated, Simon looks shocked, Peisha’s even sitting there going- But I beat her for two hours last night! I was sure she was going home!
Chris looks absolutely hammered in shock. Ryan asks him three times if he’s surprised. Elliott’s mom needs to get up there and kick Seacrest in the balls. We watch Chris’ journey. I half hoped for this they would have gotten the lead singer of System of a Down to record a special all-screamy version of Bad Day. As Daughtry watches, the news begins to sink in and he doesn’t once crack a smile, seething and simmering like a crock pot full of Chunky Beef Soup. It’s the soup that eats like a meal! (Hey, I have to pay the bills somehow.)
Okay, so what the fuck happened? Where was Chris’ huge fan base that everyone’s been buzzing about? He actually wasn’t terrible last night and Katharine was at her all-time worst. (and that’s a lot of worst to be stacking up against) Chris was the favorite. Now today there are rumors that Fuel is going to ask Chris to join their band as the new lead singer. So was this orchestrated, a way to inject a little drama into an otherwise dull season? There were also rumors that Chris was difficult to handle for the producers. Maybe they let him go so they wouldn’t be tied to him past the tour. Who knows?
All I can say is at this point, I’m for anything that helps Elliott and Daughtry’s departure helps him. If Chris would have been safe, he’d be the inevitable winner and Elliott would have been gone next week. But against Katharine, Elliott has a chance.
1)Because right about now, McPhee is the most hated woman on television by all those Chris fans who are pissed she’s there and he isn’t. Not that it was her doing, but try telling that to a fan scorned.
2)Katharine has a weak voice. She’ll never make it through three songs next week. Whereas Elliott can sustain multiple performances and Taylor will swirl his heft around on at least one, masking his need to barely muster a yodel.
3)After this week, Elliott has gained a lot of new fans. People are realizing he’s sincere, sweet and most of all talented as hell.
So in penance for this being late, I watched the American Idol Extra on Fox Reality tonight because it was sure to have much controversy. Here’s what I found out.
Anthony Federov is turning to Latin music.
Ty Treadway is the dullest man on the planet.
The idols were asked to choose their favorite performances. Chris said “Renegade,” Taylor said “Something,” Katharine said “I Have Nothing,” because she “felt she did a really good job and the judges had to apologize, so that was cool.” Elliott said “Moody’s Mood for Love,” because “it’s one of the best songs ever written and I felt honored to get to sing it.”
Okay, so Fox Reality is a little light with the controversy. What can I tell ya?
That’s gonna do it for me this week. From me, Donny, Marie, our special guests Betty White, Avery Schrieber, Witchiepoo and the Kroftette Dancers- Good Night, Everybody.
Pan across the final four. Taylor is smiling, Chris is smiling big, Elliott is smiling, Katharine has gas. Seacrest shambles out onstage and gives a conspiratorial wink and smile to Rebecca Romijn and her latest himbo, Jerry O’Connell. Apparently, John Stamos was too deep for Pepper Dennis and she had to go off and find someone who matched her vapidity level more closely. More from this cipher in a few.
Ryan introduces the players. All contestants are now smiling, including Kat. I’m gonna keep a running Puss-o-meter for Katharine throughout the evening. Whenever they cut to a shot of her, you’ll either see a : ) or a : (, followed by a number. So far we’re : )-1 : (-1.
Ryan says hello to the judges and calls Paula the “dancing Paula Abdul,” still trying to make last night’s joke funny. We see a re-cap of last night’s performances and after a one day reprieve, Katharine medley looks even more like it wouldn’t pass muster on The Donny & Marie Show. If Marie is a little bit country and Donny’s a little bit Rock-n-Roll, then McPhee is a whole lotta Gong Show. Where the hell was Jaye P. Morgan last night to put that broad out of our misery?
The judges are having a good ol’ time. Paula is in Simon’s lap as Randy and Ryan watch them flail around. The contestants smile, except for Kat. : (-2
Worst. Pimp-o-mercial. Ever. And Jim Henson really should have taken a page from Wayland Flowers’ book. When Wayland died, he requested Madame be buried with him. This way, we wouldn’t have to listen to someone who sounded nothing like her doing her voice. The least they could have done was give Kermit a stoma and one of those electronic voice thingies. Anything would be better than the rube voicing him now.
Katharine : )-2, probably because she starred in the commercial. We see more footage of the idols at Graceland with Priscilla slapping on a little extra make-up before she gives them the tour so no one will notice she’s really one of the aliens from V. Presley looks about as excited to be giving it as I am to be watching it. The idols seem to be getting the exact same tour as anyone else who pays their money to go through Graceland, so I’m not quite sure what’s so special about it. Then she takes them outside and Taylor holds an umbrella over Priscilla so the paraffin covering 90% of her body doesn’t melt. Lisa Marie shows up, looking even more underwhelmed than her mother and takes the four on a golf cart ride, afterwards giving them all hugs and slipping paperback copies of Dianetics in their pockets.
Time for the group sing. Elliott starts out with “Don’t Be Cruel,” then they all go into “Blue Suede Shoes,” then Taylor twitches out onto the bridge and sings “Heartbreak Hotel.” I’m guessing there’s a Denny’s attached to that hotel because when Hicks hunches over, you can see his man-boobs. Memo to Taylor- jackets are slimming. Tight button down shirts, not so much. Katharine sings “Are You Lonesome Tonight,” Chris tackles “Love Me Tender.” They all do some horrid song where Randy Jackson tries to join in, then Chief Crazy Legs lumbers back onto the bridge to scream “Burnin’ Love.” Katharine joins him and the two dance together in the middle like two kids from the “special class,” one with water on the brain and the other with elephantitis, who were allowed to do a number in the elementary school talent show and chose to re-enact “You’re the One That I Want.” All four bring it home and then the Ice Fantasies skate out onstage with Harvey Korman and H.R. Pufnstuf. Confetti for all!!
Oh, here comes my favorite part. Ryan is in the audience and decides to randomly say hello to Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell. After making sure he pimps the new X-Men movie (Fox product) but not Pepper Dennis (non-Fox product), Ryan pretends to have a conversation with Romijn. The banter is so forced and Seacrest is so tense waiting for the inevitable punchline, that he keeps moving the microphone back under Romijn’s mouth, even when she isn’t talking, as though to subtly prompt her to get to the business at hand. That business at hand is Rebecca “requesting” to hear Taylor sing Jailhouse Rock again. Katharine : (-3, though this time I don’t blame her.
Okay, now for some strange reason, my satellite feed has just changed over to one of those nature shows, like they show on Animal Planet. I don’t know what’s going on but now I’m watching a water buffalo galloping down- oh, wait, sorry. It’s Taylor running up the stairs to start his song. Hey, look, there’s a pre-planted mic on the floor from his start position. Yeah, this was spontaneous. Taylor dances down the aisle, interacting with the crowd, at one point dancing near Elliott’s mom, who is a good sport and dances along. If it was my kid, I’d have kicked Taylor in the balls, give him a good reason to buckle those legs. Simon is turned around in his seat, not even watching. Melissa Rivers is in the audience and though she can’t be more than 40, she looks as though her face has been molded from the extra skin taken off Priscilla Presley.
Ryan thanks Taylor for agreeing to partake in the extra promotion, then invites the other Idols to come down to the stage. He places Elliott next to Taylor on his right, then Chris and Katharine together on his left. Ryan tells us one group is the top two, the other the bottom two. Katharine : (-4. Ryan says he will let us know…then pauses for effect as though he doesn’t do this every week and someone in the audience yells out “after the break!” which causes Katharine to : )-3 because Seacrest is such a hambone.
Back from the break and from here on in, Katharine is permanently : (. The pissed off puss on her face is stuck like glue. Only another’s misery will return the smile to her cherubic face. Ryan sends Taylor and Elliott back to the couch. Chris claps and smiles, Kat stands irritated with her hands at her sides. Such a sweetheart, such a good sport.
Ryan asks Simon who he thinks is leaving tonight and McPhee rolls her eyes because she knows he’s gonna say her. Hey, sweetheart, it’s not like you didn’t have explosive diarrhea all over the stage with those two songs on Tuesday. You have no one to blame but yourself. Simon says based on last night, Kat should go home. The audience boos, but Peisha just sits and watches. Even she knows her daughter blew chunks. Ryan tells Chris that a lot of people thought he had the potential to be the next American Idol. Chris smiles at the audience’s reaction and Ryan blurts out- you’re going home. Katharine looks genuinely shocked. I don’t have an emoticon for that so how’s this? >:o
Paula is devastated, Simon looks shocked, Peisha’s even sitting there going- But I beat her for two hours last night! I was sure she was going home!
Chris looks absolutely hammered in shock. Ryan asks him three times if he’s surprised. Elliott’s mom needs to get up there and kick Seacrest in the balls. We watch Chris’ journey. I half hoped for this they would have gotten the lead singer of System of a Down to record a special all-screamy version of Bad Day. As Daughtry watches, the news begins to sink in and he doesn’t once crack a smile, seething and simmering like a crock pot full of Chunky Beef Soup. It’s the soup that eats like a meal! (Hey, I have to pay the bills somehow.)
Okay, so what the fuck happened? Where was Chris’ huge fan base that everyone’s been buzzing about? He actually wasn’t terrible last night and Katharine was at her all-time worst. (and that’s a lot of worst to be stacking up against) Chris was the favorite. Now today there are rumors that Fuel is going to ask Chris to join their band as the new lead singer. So was this orchestrated, a way to inject a little drama into an otherwise dull season? There were also rumors that Chris was difficult to handle for the producers. Maybe they let him go so they wouldn’t be tied to him past the tour. Who knows?
All I can say is at this point, I’m for anything that helps Elliott and Daughtry’s departure helps him. If Chris would have been safe, he’d be the inevitable winner and Elliott would have been gone next week. But against Katharine, Elliott has a chance.
1)Because right about now, McPhee is the most hated woman on television by all those Chris fans who are pissed she’s there and he isn’t. Not that it was her doing, but try telling that to a fan scorned.
2)Katharine has a weak voice. She’ll never make it through three songs next week. Whereas Elliott can sustain multiple performances and Taylor will swirl his heft around on at least one, masking his need to barely muster a yodel.
3)After this week, Elliott has gained a lot of new fans. People are realizing he’s sincere, sweet and most of all talented as hell.
So in penance for this being late, I watched the American Idol Extra on Fox Reality tonight because it was sure to have much controversy. Here’s what I found out.
Anthony Federov is turning to Latin music.
Ty Treadway is the dullest man on the planet.
The idols were asked to choose their favorite performances. Chris said “Renegade,” Taylor said “Something,” Katharine said “I Have Nothing,” because she “felt she did a really good job and the judges had to apologize, so that was cool.” Elliott said “Moody’s Mood for Love,” because “it’s one of the best songs ever written and I felt honored to get to sing it.”
Okay, so Fox Reality is a little light with the controversy. What can I tell ya?
That’s gonna do it for me this week. From me, Donny, Marie, our special guests Betty White, Avery Schrieber, Witchiepoo and the Kroftette Dancers- Good Night, Everybody.
posted by kieran at 8:34 PM
2 Comments:
About the only thing different about their tour through Graceland was that they actually got to cross the barrier and actually step foot into the Jungle Room. That's a big no-no if you're one of the regular unwashed. Also, they let the Idol crew light the place, and anyone who has taken a Graceland tour recently knows that you will practically get body-slammed by Graceland staff, security, and tour guides if you use flash photography. Lighting in the actual house is incredibly dim. According to our tour guide, all the flashes from every visitor would triple the amount of light that regular sunlight gives and would fade all of Elvis's ugly furniture. Wouldn't want that, now would we?
Agreed about the Kermit thing. It's shameful.
I can imagine Taylor hitting the Denny's, but the only one I know of is down on Union Ave. downtown, and if Taylor were that close to Beale St. I imagine he'd skip the dinner and go straight to throwing back the strongest whiskey he could find.
You have an outstanding good and well structured site. I enjoyed browsing through it » » »
Post a Comment
<< Home