Does Anyone Still Wear A Hat? AI Wrapup 2/22

It's Raining Men. Twelve boys and Ryan Seacrest is shorter than all of them. After last night's lackluster show, I am expecting the men to buh-ring it the way Stevie Scott threatened to. Ryan lies and talks about how terrific the ladies were and we're treated to shots of both Paris and Lisa at their MOST flat. Way to go. They manage to pimp Pickler and stick it to Heather and Stevie. And Katherine looking like
she has to take a shit onstage, running notes to a frazzle. Oh, it's all too much. Bad memories. Let's get to the boys already! (Oh yes, I forgot, we have two loooooong hours to fill.)

The boys' football team is paraded onstage. Sway is wearing one of Paula's hats from the "Spellbound" period. If we check his cell phone, are we going to find messages from her advising him on wardrobe, then blacking out in mid-speech? Taylor is last out and does an impersonation of all his Idols in a scary, foreboding pose.

RPS are introduced. Pauler got rid of the Imperial Priestess hairdo and is back to a demure part. I'm starting the Abdul count right now. We'll see how long it takes for the meds to kick in.

We're treated to a montage of the boys. Ace is gay, Sway is fuglideous(TM). Elliot is sweet. Kevin found Gandalf's ring. And Chuck E Cheez, I mean Gedeon, assures us that he has It. IT. IT! Uh-huh.

Patrick "Bread" Hall is first. Ryan nudges knees with him, coyly. We see his "If" clip and that note gets more desperate every time I hear it. Patrick is singing a lesbian song- Come to My Window by Melissa Etheridge. No word if Juliette Lewis will make a special appearance onstage. Patrick doesn't suck, maybe one or two small pitch problems, but he's pretty dull onstage. No emotion, no feeling. Fairly robotic.
Based on this, I wouldn't miss him if he goes, but I'm sure he'll slip by based on looks alone and the judges are letting him slide. But Simon gets it right- no star quality. Patrick is vowing to go back to his roots. Expect a lot of Leo Sayer, Gino Vanelli and Firefall.

David Radford is next. All I have to do is hear him sing the first note from his clip montage and I'm already grossed out. He's got a bracelet on that says WWFD? (what would Frank do?) Frank would NOT do Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Sammy Davis, Jr., yes. Frank, no. But David seems to be channeling John Davidson. We're treated to plenty of shots of all 125 of his teeth. He manages to stay on key, except for that last painful note, but he could have been playing a round of golf
with Dino while singing that. David's adorable, but you know he's terrible in bed. And he was terrible onstage. Randy slams him and I'm loving it. It looks like that ego problem is about to rear its ugly head. David is NOT happy with Randy. The "kitty" pound or the "Paula Poodle" pound yips their approval. I think Mandisa and Ayla left matching wet spots on their chairs.

Ladies and Gentlemen we have a "meds" time. 20 minutes in and Pauler is getting loopy. I'm guessing Klonopin. She loves David. Simon softballs him, because David is cute and Simon wants to get rid of the ugly boys first. Bye Bye, Bobby.

Bucky Covington is up next. Seacrest's knee is a little closer this time. If anyone wants to send Bucky a care package, please stick a hairbrush in there. Yes, I know it will disturb the fambly of critters nesting in there, but it's an emergency. Seacrest talks about Bucky forgetting the words and something akin to Boomhauer from King of the Hill spills forth from Bucky's mouth. I think it's not so much Bucky
forgot the lyrics as no one could understand him. Bucky is wearing a really ugly bling chain around his neck in the video and I wouldn't be surprised if there was a green ring underneath. He's singing a Lynrd Skynrd song. And I was hoping for Josh Groban.

Bucky is rough. very raspy. We cut to a shot of two trailer trash hoochies, both of which I'm sure Bucky convinced to let him fuck without a condom. Bucky has a James Hetfield from Metallica quality to his voice. That's not a compliment. Shot of Kellie clapping on the wrong beat. She's looking at daddy up there. It wasn't pleasant to listen to, but Randy lets it pass. Pauler wants her some Bucky, so she's loving him. Simon is being nicer than I thought he would, too. This is interesting, because I can't imagine he will get votes with that performance, but RPS are shilling for him. Seacrest says it shows an evolution that someone like Bucky is onstage in this competition. I think it shows that they're running out of singers. He asks Bucky what prompted him to audition. Bucky's response:

"Welldangol'dingdangol'BoBicenyeahveladangolrellawilldangolhatsofftoem."

WIlliam Makar is next. My fingers are crossed, cause so far it hasn't been pretty tonight. Oh, excuse me, it's "Will" Makar. I'm getting a slight undercurrent of gay from him. He's gonna sing "I Want You Back" by the Jackson Five and he likens his voice to an 11 year old Michael Jackson. He may be 11 but he's no Michael Jackson. He begins by getting lost and falling behind the band, then he does some very awkward Tony Manero moves and there are spots where he strains his voice badly. I'm really disappointed. He's a sweetheart and I've heard him do much better. It was a poor choice and I hope he'll be given another chance to make it right.

Ohhhh, Pauler references Bobby Brady. Maybe she's been reading our board. Randy and P are trying to help, but Simon is giving him less slack than people who are worse. I'm not disagreeing with him, but I hope Will gets another chance. Sway is up next. I want to carve a jack-o-lantern face in that big water on the brain head of his. We're treated to his multiple previous disasters in Hollywood (Klonopin for ALL!!) He'll be forgetting the words to "Reasons" by Earth Wind and Fire tonight. Sway's doing it for mama-san and papa-san because they sang it to him as a baby. Here's
hoping he doesn't call it "Leasons". Wait, isn't that song done completely in falsetto? *braces for it*....

It's pretty ear-splitting. Papa's not so much clapping along as he's trying to kill mosquitoes. Now, Phillip Bailey of EWF always sang in falsetto, that was his style. So is Sway going to always do the same? If not, then why do it now? it's not as if he excels at it. "Dis-A-peah-EAH-eah-EAH-eaaa-RRRRR." Katharine McPhee is jealous.
Paula claps like a seal. Randy loves it. Paula loves it (but wants her hat back) and Simon gets that it sucked. Yay Simon.

Five up- none good. The show's hopeful savior, Chris Daughtry, is up next. Seacrest wants to know all the gossip. Such a woman. I'm thrilled to get to hear Chris' version of The First Cut is the Deepest again and it's going to be in my head for another two weeks. Oh no, he chose Wanted, Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi, a truly awful song. Fingers crossed... Well... it's not a home run, but a solid double. Couple of
pitch problems, but the best thus far of the evening. I think a better song would have gotten him further, but he'll be back. Paula popped a Xanax during the last commercial break, she's off on a tangent. Simon declares Chris the first of the night with potential. Excellent.

Kevin Covais is next and Ryan is not rubbing knees with him, but standing over him to appear taller for once. Kevin has a mighty Longuyland accent with that lisp. Kevin is singing One Last Cry by Brian McKnight. People, have we learned nothing from Scott Savol??? Kevin says Brian is one of his role models. So Brian McKnight has the high score in Halo and masturbates to the poster of the Swedish bikini team on his bedroom wall, too? Who knew?

He starts off shaky. Scott Savol's parents are in the sudience cheering him. Katharine McPhee makes a bitchy Brenna face during his performance, probably thinking to herself "Dude, what are you doing?? Cry has at least 15 syllables!" Kevin stayed shaky, but I think it was nerves more than anything. it wasn't great. Randy gives him a huge pass from the dawg pound and Paula's trying to string together a sentence, but it's heartfelt. Simon ups the age bracket in his comments from 80 to 90. Pretty soon, the only one able to enjoy poor Kevin Covais will be Miss Jane Pittman.

Gedeon McKinney is up. His narration of his clips makes him sound like an honorary Brittenum twin. Next week- the fu man chu makes a comeback. Gedeon will be singing Shout, which he at least didn't credit to Barbra Streisand. "It's not a song I can just sing, but one I can really, really pufo-am." (Big teef smile)

I gotta hand it to him- he was pretty good. Not a showboating vocal, he sang the song very well, had decent choreography (pay attention, Paris) and seemed to really be having fun. I think he chose well. He needed to make an impression more than show off a power vocal, since no one really knows him and I think he did that. So of course, Simon hated him because he's ugly.

Back from the break and Elliot Yamin is talking about his warm-up routine. Seacrest is starting to bug me. Elliot is my dream boy because he disses a Brittenum!!! Elliot is playing it safe with Stevie Wonder. If You Really Love Me. I expected a better choice but Elliot knocks it out of the park! Paula CLAS. Someone get her a beach ball to balance on her nose. But back to Elliott. Awesome. And he sang it in almost complete straight tones, too (pay attention, Katharine) R&P love him and Simon calls him potentially the best male vocalist they've ever seen. I love him and he's giving Chris D. a run for his money.

We finally get to see why Bobby Bennett is in the Top 12. Because the judges have a wicked sense of humor. Bobby initially auditions with a Barry Manilow song and makes Randy and Paula clap along. Paula looks mortified and nothing embarrasses her, so you know girlfriend is baaaaad. Tonight, Bobby is singing another Manilow special,
Copacabana, because Grandma, on her deathbed, told him that if he ever made it big, he should sing that song. She also told him he was a bottom with submissive tendencies. That Grandma knew her shit.

Ohhh, Mr. Mooney is really bad. It's like someone's drunk fat uncle getting up at a wedding after one too many whiskey sours. The other nine male contestants heave a big sigh of relief, knowing that they've just witnessed the first person to be sent home. Bobby pimps for Manilow and Randy got into Paula's meds because he's actually being halfway decent. Paula's trying hard to find a compliment somewhere in there. Simon tells the truth. Complete nightmare. And no, Simon, I don't think you've gone off your rocker by choosing Bobby, I'm in on the joke. Ryan puts the screws to Cowell and asks if he hates Bobby so much, then why did he pick him to go into the Top 12. Okay, Seacrest, you're back in my good graces. Bobby bear-hugs Ryan.

Ryan is back with Ace and he's falling in love. Ace is sooo pretty and breathy and gay. Upon hearing him again in Hollywood, I'm less impressed. Ace is choosing Father Figure by George Michael. Mmm-hmm. He's okay. Definitely nervous and breathy, but compared to almost everyone else, not bad. But I want him to take his shirt off, so he can stay. Randy takes a sly dig at Constantine when he tells Ace there have been some people who thought they could work the camera, but couldn't. Ace is definitely RPS's pick and they pimp him MIGHTILY. MIGHT-I-LY! Oh yes, they want Ace to win.

Taylor Hicks brings up the rear and is singing Levon by Elton John, which he thinks possesses great family values. Um, isn't it about a son who hates his father? Taylor sings it well in between bouts of Tourettes. He needs to knock that shit off. He places in the middle for me. RPS pimp him hard. Then Taylor gives in completely to the disease and falls apart.

Okay, so a show even more dull than last night's. My ranking of the Top 12.

1- Elliot Yamin
2- Chris Daughtry
3- Gedeon McKinney
4- Taylor Hicks
5- Ace Young
6- Bucky Covington
7- Patrick Hall
8- Will Makar
9- Kevin Covais
10- Jose Penala
11- David Radford
12- Bobby Bennett

Who should go: David Radford and Bobby Bennett

Who will go: Bobby Bennett and Kevin Covais

I'm bummed I can't watch the results show tomorrow night, but I am going out of town. I'm tivoing it, but won't be doing any commentary as I can't watch it till Monday. I'm actually going to attempt to not find out who didn't make it until I can see the show. Wish me luck.

Because the night...was two hours long. AI Wrapup 2/21

Twelve girls go in. Ten girls come out. And oh, how I wish it were a couple less. I really don't think I can endure one more week of Brenna Gethers. I've already seen her with her claws out and girlfriend needs a manicure.

Ryan "Shortcake" Seacrest yaks it up for a few minutes before introducing the ladies. They come out like a bad football team. Mandisa (lovely), Kellie (looking more and more like Joan Van Ark from Knots Landing everyday), Becky O'Donohoe (no personality) Ayla Brown (cute as a bug) Paris Bennett (way too much attitude), Stevie Scott (zzzz) Brenna Gethers (give a big kiss, lambchop, the clock is ticking), and the rest, none of whom has anything worth discussing...

Randy's dogpound '06 is in the hizzouse. They'll be made to bark, sit up and roll over at various intervals in the show.

RPS are introduced and do they ever have anything interesting to say? The banter between Cowell and Seacrest is particularly painful. Paula looks as though she has the same hairdresser that created the disastrous coiffure that Patricia Arquette had at the Emmys this year. Randy believes in the boys, but is he keepin' it real? He'll change his mind.

We see a montage of how the girls made it to the Top 12. They forgot to include the footage where Heather Cox, Becky O'Donohoe and Melissa McGhee blew the producers, 'cause that's how THEY got there.

Mandisa is up first and she is on fire, literally and figuratively. I don't know what it is about Heart songs, but they work spectacularly on AI. Carrie did a great rendition of "Alone" last season and Mandisa smokes up the house with "Never." The girl is classy, adorable and can blow the shit out. So of course, Randy calls her sharp. I'm already voting for her.

I vote for Mandisa all the way through Kellie Pickler's umpteenth version of her white trash sob story. Does anyone know who's watching her two-headed baby back home? I worry Granddad (the babydaddy) is too old to care for an infant on his own.

Kellie is singing some crap Martina McBride song because, well, that was Carrie's favorite and she's done nothing if not study up on Ms. Underwood. She dedicates the song to her daddy who, amazingly, hasn't been released from prison in the 80 seconds since she last mentioned him. The performance is sub-okay, and the judges softball her by forgetting to mention her vocals and talk all about her natural personality. Really? This girl has something natural on her? Yikes. Then Ryan banters with Kellie for what feels like 100 years all about her grandaddy. Does this chick have some serious father figure issues or what? She manages to moo "Pick Pickler" before she's shoved off the stage. No, dear, it's Ick, Pickler.

Becky O'Donohoe is next and she's singing "Because the Night." My guess is she's basing it on the 10,000 Maniacs version and hasn't got a clue there was actually an original version by Patti Smith. Wow, her Longuyland accent is strong when she speaks. The creepy stage motherish twin is in the audience. The performance isn't bad. She screws up a few words, but it's better than I expect from this clotheshanger. The judges start the great downslide, with Randy and then Paula mentioning that, though Becky missed some notes, that's not really that important. It doesn't matter if you can sing, apparently. Miss notes, so what? Hoo boy!

Ayla Brown is wearing someone's aunt's pantsuit from 1975. Hideous outfit, but lovely voice. She sings some utterly forgettable Xtina song (before she got Dirrrrty) from the film Mulan. I bet Sway is upset he didn't think of that one. She actually sounds very good, does a lovely job, especially with a dreadful number. Pickler is upstairs mouthing along with the vocals, trying to draw attention to herself. I'm surprised she isn't holding up a sign that says "My Heart (and virginity) Belongs to Daddy"

Now we're treated to the next big pimping of the night (Ick, Pickler was the first), Paris Bennett. Tons of footage of Paris, her grandma, her momma, her earrings, her ear-splitting Hollywood performances... I realized today who Paris reminded me of with that matronly hairdo- Weezy Jefferson. The show stylists must have agreed, because she has a sassy new 'do. Unfortunately she looks like Joyce Dewitt in the early seasons of Three's Company. Back to the Lola Falana Wig Company for you, Paris. Miss Bennett is also sporting a 70s denim tube-toppish gaucho thing that is pure yikes. She sings "Midnight Train to Georgia." She bounces around the stage, trying to distract us from her performance, which is just this side of yecccch. She almost gives us a peek at some jailbait titty, but the judges have their tongues so far up her ass, they are distraction enough. They overpraise her wildly. Come and knock on our door, indeed.

I'm still voting for Mandisa. Got through 10 times, so far.

Stevie Scott is up next and she sings(?) some Josh Groban song, so she's already got two strikes against her. Unfortunately her voice adds up to another four strikes, so that's six in all. She's going home twice. I'd grab a souvenir backstage tonight, honey, cause it is the end of the road. Did anyone catch Brenna upstairs making pained faces throughout the performance? Don't make me like this girl. Uh-oh, Paula's meds have kicked in. She's slurring and using words like "ethereal." I so want her to be face down by the time they get to McPhee. Simon excoriates Stevie Scott and she begs for another chance, even hitting on Ryan, the poor, delusional thing. She claims she will bring it next time. What, her luggage?

Brenna is next, posing and voguing for the camera. I swear if we went backstage with a camera, we'd find RuPaul coaching her from the wings. Brenna bleats a bunch of nonsense, then claims she's singing "You are the Sunshine of My Life" to show her softer, more gentle side. Sweetheart, I've seen both your sides and neither of them can sing. The judges don't like the performance, but apparently Simon isn't through "making good tv" since he all but dares the viewers to vote for Brenna so they can see her wild side next week. Girlfriend poses some more. I'm sending her a thermos of my vomit.

Heather Cox is next. Oh yes, she definitely blew someone to get here. They give her a brief montage, where she states that she watches American Idol like a stalker (I'm gonna bet Jessica Sierra loved hearing that) and that she knew she had a 50/50 chance for the judges to sending her through to the Top 24. Wow, Heather. You mean they could have said yes (50%) or they could have said.... no (50%)? Thanks for sussing that out. Now go sing. She chooses the worst of the original AI songs, "When You Tell Me that You Love Me." And she gives it everything it deserves- a wretched vocal. If she's still here after Thursday, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess she swallows.

Ryan tells some jokes equal in quality to the last performance and then introduces Melissa McGhee, who has competed in beauty pageants. As an undercover FBI agent, I'm guessing, cause she is NOT that pretty. If she manages to win, will they give her a tiara and bouquet and make her walk the runway? Better keep RuPaul on retainer. Melissa sings a Faith Hill song that I'm not interested in even typing the title of. Dull performance, but she should hang on another week. She may have potential. Simon can't put his finger on what the problem is and why Melissa may not last until Melissa kindly reminds him that this is the first time this season the country has gotten to hear her sing, period. He agrees with her before thinking about it and I hope he will spend the rest of the season living that down, because it's true.

Lisa Tucker is next and she sings "I Am Changing" from the musical Dreamgirls. I like Lisa and I would love to say she did a good job, but vocally and emotionally, she is too young for the song and it was too ambitious of a choice for her. She falters a LOT, and is flat half the time but manages some power notes to cover. The judges go apeshit. I think they're wrong, but Lisa is a good singer and deserves another go-round, which she will easily get.

Kinnick Sky is next and we've had not much of a chance to get to know her, either. She sings "Get Here" and does a very Jeckyll and Hyde performance. Half the song is mannered and half the song is wild. It doesn't work, but it's not a disaster. She won't go too far, but hopefully, she'll last another week. I have my doubts.

Katharine McPhee is last (how fitting) and she already gets on my nerves by claiming the song she's singing, "Since I Fell For You" was *originally* done by Barbra Streisand. No, dear. It was a huge hit by someone named Lenny Welch about 10 years before she recorded it and was covered by dozens of people before Babs got her meathooks into it. The best thing I can say about McPhee is that she didn't get paid by the syllable tonight. But her voice does nothing for me. Again, Mrs. Anwar Robinson. Simon nearly busts a nut all over her dress, claiming hers the best performance of the night. My eyes are sore from rolling back into my head.

I managed 17 votes for Mandisa.

Okay, my rankings from 1-12

1- Mandisa
2- Ayla Brown
3- Becky O'Donohoe
4- Kinnick Sky
5- Lisa Tucker
6- Melissa McGhee
7- Kellie Pickler
8- Katharine McPhee
9- Brenna Gethers
10- Paris Bennett
11- Stevie Scott
12- Heather Cox

Who will go: Stevie Scott and Heather Cox (though Heather's slut factor could keep her an extra week and Kinnick could get dumped instead.)

Who should go: Heather Cox and Brenna Gethers, cause that bitch needs to be taught a lesson, as does that bitch Simon Cowell.

Tomorrow night are the boys. Things are looking up

Jack Bauer is Dead: The Final 24. AI Wrap-up 2/15/06

So tonight we cut from 44 to 24 and since we haven't been allowed to see the majority of these people sing, it's a bit difficult to say if they were robbed or we were spared further performances.

Our flight attendant, Miss Seacrest, begins our tour in Pasadena. Already, he's put me to sleep. We see a succession of nameless folks, beginning with some black guy who actually LOOKS like that cartoon rat Paula loves to mention so often and ending with some girl who says- "If today doesn't work out, then my music career is kaput." Finally- someone willing to face facts. She should have a chat with several seasons worth of Top 12 losers. Perhaps TPTB could hire her as a motivational speaker to transition those poor unfortunates from has-been to completely anonymous.

Now Ryan is explaining how an elevator works, then how to walk across the floor, and finally, how to sit in a chair. Umm, Ryan, my nose needs blowing but I'm not quite sure what to do with this thing they call a tissue. Can you help a brutha out?

In quick succession, the judges cut:
Jessica Santos (who?)
Bobby Bullard (who?)
Brooke Barretsmith (Simon decided he'd rather stare at the fit model's tits)
Nick Whitten
Stephanie White
and then we see them all cry and Jessica Santos mumbles something about God opening a window when you get locked out of the door or something she read from her fortune cookie while dining at the Universal Citywalk the night before.

Crystal Stark rides up the elevator and we actually get to see her sing for once. She does Rose Royce's Wishing On a Star. Oh Mariah- what have you wrought? So many really awful girl singers who think that all they need to do is caterwaul and add flubber to every third note and they'll sound good. Crystal, you SUCK. But since they showed her, I'm assuming she's going through. Aaaaaand- no. She's been cut. Well, something tells me that's the last gift the judges will give me this evening, but the night is still young.

Did anyone notice that Bobby Dillard and Bobby Bullard not only looked identical (like the grandfather of Maurice White from Earth Wind & Fire- 28 my ass!) but were also dressed identically?

I officially despise Katharine McPhee. From her fake bullshit outrage for Crystal not getting through in order to garner more airtime (yes, she was upset, but not THAT upset, as he so genuinely put it when pressed by Seacrest) to her acting like RPS were her new best friends after finding out she made it through, to her soliliquy about nothing on the elevator ride down, this girl is working me. Oh yes, let's talk about the singing. I'm not 100% certain, but it's probably a good bet that when Rodgers and Hart wrote My Funny Valentine, they didn't intend it to contain quite so many syllables. Or for it to have its last few notes throttled by the neck so savagely. I'm telling you, this chick is Mrs. Anwar Robinson- she mangles the meat of the song, then bludgeons the audience into submission with some power notes at the end. HATE HER. She exits the elevator and receives a half hearted standing ovation, probably out of relief that someone finally made it through than for her ability.

Next up- Ace. We're treated to a montage of Ace's Hollywood week and he sails through pretty easily, his only problem being which song to choose for the last audition. He must know how fucking beautiful he is because he chooses the clunker "She's Out of My Life." And so the judges build in some fake bullshit tension before stating the obvious. But Ace takes it in stride rather coolly, unlike Katharine McPhee, who just grabbed a Mexican janitor and is describing the contour of Randy's lips as he attempts to pull away from her and finish cleaning the men's room.

More cuts:
Antonio Bridges (who?)

Eugenia Littlejohn, the "kaput" girl, who is working some bling-assed two-toned mani. Paula actually recites from the page under her "Honey, you're 26 years old, your dream is not over." Way to go, Paula, really sell that pep talk! Eugenia knows better, though. She's a babymomma who's pushing middle age in singer years. Randy looks surprised at her response and someone winds the key in Paula's back, which enables her to rise and walk over to give Eugenia a hug.

Robert Bennett, who I don't remember ever seeing, but now strikes me as a gay, asian Mr. Mooney from The Lucy Show. (Try it, picture him saying- "UhhhhYeeeeeeesssssssss?") makes it through.

Mandisa Handley is class all the way. I love her and her double-wide ass and beautiful voice and I am so happy she's through.

And we're back with the first huge time waster of the evening... a montage of people..... sitting. I smell Emmy.

Melissa McGhee is in the hot seat. She's through to the next round only because the judges hadn't seen the outfit she's sporting, a combination gypsy tablecloth and turqouise one piece from 1981.

Mark Adam Locklear (who?) gets cut. Kinda difficult to muster sympathy for people who we;ve never laid eyes on before.

Irene Cara, I mean, Lisa Tucker is next and they are doing a mini-profile on her which means she's through. She sings something, no idea what it is and Simon gives her this bullshit about being concerned about her young age. How many times is he gonna pull this old chestnut out? Plenty of 16 year olds have been through this, plus the girl has already performed professionally. Lisa's mother looks to have been a very young babymomma. So that's how Fantasia managed to sell 1.8 million copies of that piece of crap CD.

Now we follow David Radford, who IMHO is a really bad singer. I haven't seen him do anything decent. He says he has no idea what he's done right. Hear Hear!! During the big acapella sale, David sang Dream a Little Dream of Me. To borrow a line from Simon- that wasn't even good enough for a wedding band. If I'm being honest. And he's through. My guess is he's going to be Simon's punching bag this season.

Jose "Sway" Penala is next and I have a feeling his nickname comes not from any dance moves, but the fact that it's probably as well as he is ever going to be able to pronounce the word "Jose". Mushmouth acapellas the same song Lisa Tucker did and he is just okay. He's this year's Scott Savol, fugly and wiggerish.

Elliott whats-his-name with the moldy fillings is through, which is good. I'm going to call four out of five dentists right now and tell them to watch.

Speaking of this year's Scott Savol, this year's Mikalah Gordon- Brenna- is up next. Simon is reading her to filth, but is putting her through, anyway. I hope someone kicks her ass. No one in the crowd is all that thrilled to see her stay.

So of course, they edit it to have Marcy Smith go next. She is Brenna's nemesis and for good reason. I hope with all my heart she chews their asses if she has to go and Brenna gets to stay. But she doesn't. Amazing.

Four other people whose names I didn't catch and whose faces I've never seen get cut.

The cartoon rat is getting his fifteen seconds. His name is Gideon McKinney and as a singer- irritating. He's invoking Jebus and "It" and the judges are eating it up so he's through. Gideon, hon, get thee to an eyebrow waxer- STAT!

Stephanie Scott is through and I have to say, she was better in her solo than in the group. I'm curious to see more.

Ayla Brown is next and I don't even have to keep the TV on to know she's through. There's nothing wrong with her, she's decent looking and has a pleasant voice, but she's so unmemorable. She's a session backup singer, plain and simple. If she plays basketball this dully then I'm switching to curling.

Ryan guides us through a verbal tour of the fifteen seconds we see Chris Daughtry stuck in the elevator. Ryan is the personification of American Idol for Dummies. Do you think they kept him in there longer while Ryan flubbed his lines a few times? Outtake aftet outtake while Chris runs out of oxygen. Paula tries to act like she didn't know about the elevator. Good job. That abused wife TV movie you did years ago only scratched the surface of your thespian talents.

I'm sorry, are they showing Brooke Barretsmith trying to figure out if there's room left for her? Umm, sweetie, you were cut at 8:07. Who edits this show?? Oh, sorry, that's Rebecca O'Donohoe. Jeez, they are twins, but Brooke is already a twin, so does that make them triplets?

Oh, look, April the fat Bjork chick is there and they cut her, but Heather Cox, who sang way worse than April did is through to the next round because she wore a tube top. And they say this thing is fixed!

Bucky Covington makes it through to the next round. They better keep that temp on at the Feed store a little while longer.

Patrick "Bread" Hall makes it through. No, he's not as pretty as Ace, but I think he's way cuter. Still has a reedy voice, though. Ace can outsing him by a mile.

Kevin Covais is on his way up now. He requested to go last so he could finish an intense round of Dungeons and Dragons in the waiting room. His faux-hawk is growing in nicely. Oh, look, he rented Scott Savol's parents for the day. Mom is resplendent in a Jaclyn Smith collection Chanel pantsuit knockoff. She cries as her son makes it through. Live long and prosper, Kevster.

Paris Bennett is battling mightily with Katharine McPhee as person who is gonna get on my nerves the most. Randy asks her how she thinks she did in Hollywood. Her response- "I feel like I lost a little bit of my charisma." Charming. Randy plays with her for 6.2 seconds before passing her through. She and Abdul obviously go to the same acting coach. She tries to feign surprise. I'm sorry- is her mother's name really Jamecia? Ja-mee-cee-ah????

Go to jail. Go directly to jail and do not collect $200. Who wants to bet they're out in time for the finale? Nigel will put up the bail himself.

Kellie Pickler is up next and she seems to have trouble understanding monosyllabic words such as you, are and through. Who can blame her? She hasn't heard that phrase since Grandpa made her a woman ten years ago. She asks about her mascara and pretends she didn't make it through. Guess who else lost some of their charisma in Hollywood? But she picked up a few other things.

I don't think it's the grey in Taylor's hair that's so bad as it is the tupperware bowl haircut that makes him look like the host of a kid's show from the '60s. He plays a harmonica and has a seizure when they tell him he's made it through. Does Seacrest know CPR?

Megan Bobo and Kinnick Sky are the last two ladies left. One spot is open. Any chance they will cut both their undeserving asses and bring back Holly from the nursing home? No such luck. Kinnick's indistinct caterwauling wins out over Megan's indistinct caterwauling and I don't care.

William Makar and some guy who has the old macrame plant hanger I made in summer camp on his head are the last two men left. One spot is open. William is cute as a bug. The other guy sang a Lionel Ritchie song. William is through and looks genuinely shocked.

The show ends by showing 24 very uncool people trying to dance to a song they obviously didn't have clearance for, so they subbed in another that didn't match one bit. This is the sorriest group of women the show has ever had. Maybe three deserve to be there. The men fare better this year, but not by much.

Are we taking bets yet?

The Shark Jumped Over the Moon: AI Wrap-up 2/14/06

They sort of just jump right into the group numbers, don't they? Made me feel like I missed something. They gave the illusion (or reality) that the group numbers started the minute after the last people were cut. Why not give them one day to rehearse? It might make for less compelling television re: all the sniping and backbiting but we might actually get to see some of these people sound like they actually belong there.

Is that the whiny voice problem chick complaining about no dinner? Who called the SAG rep!!

Oh, here goes Terrell again with his bitching and moaning- however, I will say in his defense, if they all agreed to stay up and rehearse then the other two suck for ditching them. On the other hand, I hope Terrell meets the business end of a shiv in jail soon. Poor Anthony.

Ohhhh, so the quote actually was THIS IS THE REASON why I don't do groups. Well, I guess that blows everyone's bitching (mine included) out of the water. Thanks, FOX asshole editors.
Aww, Nick and Marcie are cute. Brenna needs a slap.

Did they give Terrell a room without a telephone? Did Simon arrange for him to sleep in the utility closet? Why is he ALWAYS on the hallway phone? They don't charge you for room to room calls, you dumb fu man chu motherfucker. Poor Anthony.

Again, what is the point of making them not sleep and expect them to perform? Is it to get them prepared for the pressures of stardom? Does each floor of the hotel have a pusherman offering a little pick me up? Unbelievable. I guarantee that if they left these people alone for a day to rehearse, there would still be plenty of drama to choose from. The longer you're with someone you don't like, the more ripe it becomes.

What is Brenna's problem? I think they missed a crucial stitch in the unfolding of that story. Now I'm just confused and irritated at one more person with more ego than talent. Can we please give the good people some more screentime like Taylor Hicks or Chris Daughtry or Mandisa??

And there's Terrell on the hallway phone again. Why doesn't he just break into some Japanese tourists room and use their phone or steal their karaoke machine and just fucking sing the song himself?

And we're finally getting into the performances. Paris Bennett is up first. Yikes! I have to say this girl is quickly losing any good will she might have garnered from her first audition. She has sucked on toast for two songs in a row now. Of course they'll pass her through. Videotape doesn't grow on trees and they have to protect their investment. The other two girls are also pretty awful, and Simon tells them they were pitiful, backed by Seacrest's astute, host-whispering commentary of "Tough criticism from the judges. Now we'll see who goes and who stays." Gosh, thanks Ryan. I'd get lost in the whole miasma of Idol if I didn't have you to take me by the hand and guide me through.

Now Terrell's Thanksgiving Day float-sized head is squeezing onto the stage, along with the other three boys he's going to sink in order to stay alive. Anthony is first and sounds okay. Not strong, but on key and solid. Elliot is next and sounds decent. Sway, for all the fuss people in this NG have made over him, sings appallingly and looks like a crack-baby. And then Terrell lets some of the gas out of his float-head and they're done... except Terrell isn't. He's gotta bitch everyone out for not following protocol. Then the judges tell him that Elliott was the best of the four and Terrell was one of the weaker ones AND THEY STILL PUT HIM THROUGH!!!!!! But they cut Anthony and keep Sway. Poor Anthony.

Terrell in the lobby adding insult to Anthony's injury. Though everyone from the group but Anthony was safe, Terrell has to go off and complain that the reason they were bad was because Anthony is tone deaf. Can someone tell me where the Brittenum twins are incarcerated? I want to pay a hack to make them both bleed out. Anyone wanna contribute? I bet we could stage a telethon and finance some torture for them, also.

And we're back with the Rat Pack: Kevin Covais, Josh Jordan, David Radford and William Makar. Hey Paula, could any of them voice a cartoon rat? My vote would be Kevin. Though decent voiced, has a lisp to rival Sylvester the Cat. Josh Jordan and David Radford have identical voices- identically awful. This is Radford's second rotten performance in a row and they all get passed through to the next round, though the only one deserving was William Makar who truly stood out.

Oh swell, just when you thought is was safe to go back into the Orpheum, there's Derrell onstage, making up an entirely new lyric sheet to I Can't Help Myself. Fuck Kelly Clarkson, I think Holland/Dozier/Holland ought to ban Idol from using their songs. If I hear one more Motown song that Susan Sarandon has lipsynched into a hairbrush or Glenn Close has danced to in the kitchen while serving an eco-friendly meatloaf, I'm gonna throw a brick through the screen. Leaving me with just a picture of your mind????? Kee-rist.

So now Derrell gets to have his say, because he was backstage with a stopwatch clocking his brother's rant and wants to be sure he gets equal time. Remember during the waning days of Laverne and Shirley when Cindy Williams was so jealous of Penny Marshall that she used to go through the script each week and count her lines as compared to Penny's? And if they were equal to or greater than, she refused to work? Ladies and gentelmen... I give you Shirley and Shirley.

Derrell quits because he thinks his brother was not passed through, which means he must have been backstage offering to have one of his close personal industry friends take care of Anthony. He cuts off Simon and has his say, all smug until he finds out his brother wasn't cut after all. Someone cue up the "Fred has egg on his face" music from The Flintstones, please.
Mandisa and her group sing Band of Gold and all do very well and all make it through.

Okay, I have to admit that the montage of all the missed lyrics to I Can't Help Myself was pretty funny and a decent time waster.

Tyra Schwartz flip-flops between groups three times and miraculously is allowed back into her old group 30 minutes before they go on. I would have kicked that bitch to the curb. Or at least made her sing with the Brittenums. All I can say for Tyra is she is one lucky chick. The group she abandoned the second time around is dreadful and all get cut, deservedly. The three girls look lost, as though Tyra was the glue holding them together, which makes them even more pathetic than they came across. When it's Tyra's turn to sing, she is dreadful, but still makes it through. Ok, new rule- the judges are NOT allowed to get ear candeling the day before the group sings.

"I'll tell you what and this is how it is. I believe my brother and I has exemplified what it is to be a true American Idol." Holy. Fucking. Christ. Scott Savol doesn't look so bad now, does he? Amazingly, Simon has to ruminate on the twins' fate. I think it would have been funnier for Terrell to turn around and tell his brother- "you on your own!" Simon gives them 30 minutes to pee or learn the lyrics or get over their nerves or whatever he usually gives a half hour for before coming to the ridiculous decision that despite all their tsuris, the Brittenum Twins are just far too talented to do without this season on Idol.

And now Brenna and her two groupmates are up. Brenna- You suck. The bluster was all for naught. So, of course, she sails through with flying colors. Okay, so to recap, Brenna, the Brittenum twins, the sore throat chick- all egotisitcal nightmares who can't sing- all get to go through. Ronnie Norman, sort of annoying but you could tell it was all just bluster, fabulous voice- gets cut.

Two and a half minutes, folks. 150 seconds. That's how long they wasted on the idiotic Brokenote Mountain. We could have seen Chris, Taylor, Patrick, Jason, the cool chick who looks like Countess Vaughn... hell, even Pickler and Katharine McPhee all sing in that time, but no- we had to waste it on Brokenote Mountain.

And now it's Day Two and they all go back and do it again. We divide them up into four rooms and are told half are going home. Not half the rooms, apparently or someone's fractions are off. (Probably Paula's. You know she's never even cut a tranqulizer in two, let alone divided a group of people) Three of the four rooms are passed through to the next cut. Hey, here's a shocker- The Brittenum Twins are among them. However, there is some good news, Tyra Schwartz and Gina Glockson are both swept clean from the colon of the Orpheum, but nasty parasites still cling. Tune in tomorrow to see them cut more good people.

American Idol Ketchup

Well, I've been actually posting on a newsgroup instead of my own blog- how embarrassing- so I decided to cross post for no other reason than I created this damn thing, why not use it. I didn't bother to do any commentary on the auditions, because they are a huge joke, anyway. My comments start with the first day in Hollywood, brodcast on 2/8/06. Here goes:


First- much like the bullshit montages of bad singers doing the same song that they torture us with on the audition episodes, the footage of the sight-seeing contestants needs to fall by the wayside. I would rather see more of the contestants sing than watch Garet cry in the ocean and Kellie Pickler doing her bus and truck tour of Steel Magnolias. Get rid of it!

I can't figure it out, but for some reason, I don't want to kick the shit out of Ryan Seacrest this season. I'm grateful for small blessings.

Ok, did the fat one in the rust colored dress make it through? Is she the one who sang Bjork for her audition?

Kellie Pickler, you're not that great and the cornpone schtick is very annoying. Unlike Garet, who really seems to be that dorky, Kellie has definitely studied Carrie Underwood's tapes with a keen eye. She should have tried another schtick to rip off, because there's no way in hell they are going to let a Carrie clone win the very next year.

I wasn't as impressed with Patrick Hall as everyone else seemed to be, but I think it's because he was straining too much. It was a poor choice of song, as he doesn't quite have the range and doesn't do falsetto the way David Gates could on all those Bread songs. However, he has potential.

I thought both Ronnie Norman and Steven David did a much better job than several of the people who made it through to the next round. I thought perhaps it was their personalities that did them in until I saw all the fey posturing of the Brittenum twins. Perhaps Steven David got bounced because in hindsight, his dance with Paula seemed really icky and after the Corey Clark debacle of last year, they weren't taking any chances. I have no explanation for Ronnie not going through- he sang wonderfully and was no more annoying than Scott Savol, and a hell of a lot more talented and more pleasing to look at. AI's first big mistake (well, second if you count them not putting Holly from Boston through)

Lisa Tucker reminds me of Irene Cara. She was good, not great.

Shelby Johnson and Eden Kentner murdered Hopelessly Devoted to You. I liked Matthew Buckstein, though it wasn't a perfect a vocal. It was the wrong choice and I'd like to see what else he can do before he gets voted off.

More Hollywood sightseeing and I still don't care. Ayla, take your hand out of the concrete. You don't know where it's been.

Oh my god, make Ashley Guadamuz stop. Please make her stop. Oh, now she's lecturing us. MAKE HER STOP. Someone should kill LeAnn Rimes so she could roll over in her grave after hearing that rendition.

Kymyata Kelty. Oy.

Lynelle Kagawa- man, how did these people get through to Hollywood?? Paula and Randy must have really been pissed off at Simon that day.

Paris Bennett is up and though she has an almost flawless voice and I applaud her for choosing songs that aren't necessarily what one would expect from her, I don't feel she's doing herself justice enough. Can't Fight the Moonlight was a dreadful choice. She sould have sounded much better with a different song. God, I would have loved to hear her sing The First Cut is the Deepest. Her personality puts me off some, as well. It feels like an act to me. Grandma is definitely coaching her. The thing is, she's amazingly gifted and doesn't need it.

Ohhh, I have much love for Taylor Hicks. He has a truly beautiful voice. Simon is slowly coming around. Slowly.

Ok, since no one seems to want to say it, I guess I'll have to- Garet Johnson is mildly retarded. There, his secret is out. There's no shame to it. Hell, Fantasia is illiterate and 3/4 of all the rappers in the business can't add double digits. Eat your paste proudly, Garet!!! But take off that fucking neckerchief.

Montage of losers, thankfully Shelby Johnson is among them, as is some nameless chick whose facial mole is so huge, she could have duetted with it onstage. Perhaps Ain't No Mountain High Enough?

Just curious- since the whole group of day two contestants gets to go sightseeing, do they let the people who get cut from Day One go sightseeing with those that made it through to the next round on Day Two? If so, then that would be something I'd watch. Shelby Johnson shoving Kellie Pickler in front of the tour bus.

I kinda feel bad for Megan Zieger, but her shit attitude toward the other contestants leaves me cold. Also, you don't make excuses, you just do it or don't do it. Remember that woman last year who sang three times in Hollywood through a bad throat problem? She adjusted, she did it, made no excuses for her voice and made it through as far as she could before it got the better of her. I hope Megan doesn't make it much further.

I've never thought the Brittenum twins were any good. All vocal tricks and little real talent. And they are more obnoxious than Savol on a good day. I hope they rot in jail. The other twins weren't all that great, either, but no worse than the Brittenums and a hell of a lot nicer. I'm sorry, who is Fat Fu Man Chu beard going to hook the Simmons twin up with? His defense attorney? Did they steal a car, too?

This Shai song is dreadful (I don't even know who Shai is) Gina Glocksen sucks, but she's not as bad as David Radford, who is no better than Dave Hoover. Hate on Ace all you like, but he's the only one to make this song sound the least bit listenable, though Kevin Covais did a credible job.
I was rooting for him, but how did Garet Johnson get through? If I'm being honest, he sang appallingly. That wasn't nerves, it was inexperience. A turkey can only coach you so far.

Katharine McPhee- I'm not feeling it. She reminds me of Anwar, someone else who was wildly overpraised, but barely mediocre until he brought in the power notes to rescue himself. She's not a star.

Chris Daughtry outsang Taylor Hicks. I think some people here were comparing him (unfavorably) to Constantine, but Chris can actually sing. Constantine pouted and occasionally managed to not embarrass himself, vocally. I like him and I hope he goes far.

Mandisa Hudley was lovely all the way around. Is this the chick Simon made that really cruel fat joke about? Well good for her for blowing his brush cut off.

And finally, there is nothing to say about Dave Hoover except I hope this is a lesson to Paula and Randy to not purposely put people through just to spite Simon. Paula looked mortified and I'm glad. Many people skip the auditions and start watching the show here and I can just imagine what they must have thought of Dave making it to Hollywood. I hope they are all justly ashamed of themselves.