The Circle of Life Bites Lisa Tucker in the Ass. AI Re-cap 3/29

Before I start tonight, I have a question. How the fuck did Bones get renewed for a second season? Emily Deschanel is the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. She’s television’s answer to Shakira- no talent and a voice that makes you want to stick a pencil in your eardrum. And speaking of Shakira… (Man, what a segue. Am I smooth or what?) Yeah, Charo’s back-alley abortion will be performing on tonight’s Idol. I see it as penance for all the mean things we’ve been saying about Kellie Pickler. But thanks to the TIVO remote, I can sin all I want with no consequences. And I plan to sin a whole lot tonight.

Ryan is in the back of the house again, doing his thang. He says last night, the contestants faced the wrath of the judges, as though it wasn’t completely and totally warranted. I think they got off easy. Hell, if I’d been judging last night, I’d have pulled out a pistol and shot at least half of them. How’s that for a ‘How I Got my Scar’ story, Acey? Paris got rid of the horse tail and now has a hair-do reminiscent of the sleestacks from “Land of the Lost.” Michele Lee, I mean Justin Guarini, is in the audience. Hey, we ought to get him and Pickler together and they could do a Knots Landing reunion, since she looks like Joan Van Ark’s brain damaged cousin. Ryan tells the audience they know the way this goes down. Our Ryan, such a soul brother. Tell us Superfly, howsit go down? He intros the judges and Simon has the creepiest guy sitting right behind him, a Nazi extra from Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. Where do they get these audience members?

We get to see a busy week in the life of an Idol wannabe, but really this segment is to pimp the new Fox film Ice Age 2- The Meltdown. Hey, bring your asses to my house if you want to see a meltdown if anyone but Lisa Tucker goes home tonight. I can’t handle another week of her bullshit. The Idols are treated to an advanced screening (of the film, not me.) Back in Long Island, Kevin Covais is heaving a sigh of relief, realizing his absence keeps him from being compared to yet another cartoon character. On their way out of the screening, the contestants weigh in on their favorite animals in the film. Paris takes the pacifier out of her mouth long enough to burble “Manny was cool.” Hit her. For the love of God, someone hit her!! You, Pickler, I promise to lay off your country ass for two full weeks if you just haul off and slug her in the chops.

Then the crew are onto a photo shoot and Lisa’s weave is getting crimped, Bucky has on way too much blush and Ace is in his element, mouth closed, cameras snapping. Underneath his long sleeve tee, each one of his abs are smiling contentedly. But there’s trouble a brewin’. One of this happy family will be banished to the kiddie table with Covais and Ayla Brown. But first, we have to eat our vegetables in the form of a performance from Shakira.

Back from the break and the LAMEST Ford Idol commercial yet. Elliott, I love you to death, but every week you get more and more ghetto. Do not go Scott Savol on me because I will turn on your ass so fast and it will not be pretty. Oh, look, Taylor Hicks and his newly acquired beer belly are freak dancing with Dr. Joyce Brothers’ lesbian lover. Drunk Dad, meet middle school gym coach.

Ryan introduces Shakira and her pimp singing a song called “Hips Don’t Lie.” I think Shakira is the perfect person to have on the show this week because no one represents the complete mess that is 21st century pop music better than Loopy Velez and her belly dancing. Is it any wonder last night’s show was such an unmitigated disaster when this is what you have to choose from? That’s some costume on her. Is she gonna go through the audience with a trick or treat bag collecting mini Snickers bars and candy corn? You wanna talk about a shaky vibrato? When she’s not singing, Shakira rents herself out to motels. Throw a couple quarters in her ears, lie down on her and for 10 minutes, it’s like magic fingers on your back.

I could never be a contestant on Idol because I would have a real hard time being made to stand and clap along for something like this. I even hate when I’m at a concert and the band or singer exhort you into clapping along, or worse, singing along. Hey, I paid $80 to see you sing and clap, not me. Do your fucking job. I’m always the sour puss sitting with arms folded, scowl on my face. And that’s how I’d be on the couch, rolling my eyes, lip curled into a sneer, shooting covert birds at the bimbo on the stage (I’m talking about Shakira, not Kellie, just to clear that up). Wyclef Jean looks like he hasn’t showered since they canceled “A Different World.” Shakira says her hips don’t lie, but they must have told a few dozen whoppers to get where she is today, because it wasn’t talent that got her there. Now she’s got a line of Salma Hayek clones to come out behind her and do the Colombian version of Riverdance. Paris is frantically trying to remember which moves she can crib for a future performance. Wyclef Jean has taken his hat off and now that I see his hair, I’m going to amend my previous comment to- hasn’t showered since they canceled “Room 222.” He’s run onto the catwalk behind Paula and Simon looks about as pained as I am. Paula’s so into it because she’d fuck Wyclef. Hell, she’d fuck Wyclef’s hand mike. Then he touches some people in the audience and they cut away from the crowd long enough for the lot of them to head up the aisle to go scrub their hands. Is it me, or is this song longer than “Stairway to Heaven.” $10 says next week Pickler’s gonna ask, “What’s a ra-ras-rastafarian?” Finally it’s over and Wyclef and Shakira are headed back to the green room to have some nasty butt sex. Please, PLEASE bring on the re-cap of last night so I can cleanse the palate.

Nothing new to report in the re-caps, but is there ever? We’re on to elimination time and Shakira’s song was so long that they don’t dally. The entire bottom row of Mandisa, Chris, Kellie, Taylor and Paris is safe. Lovely. I have Pickler to kick around for another week, as well as Butterfly McQueen. Mandisa is looking foxy tonight. When she puts on the right outfit and hairstyle, she can be near-stunning. Chris is in a long sleeve t-shirt tonight, for a change. Do he and Ace just swap with each other every week? Hey, Chris, even Ed Kowalcyzk is known to wear a sweater now and then. The entire house erupts when it is announced that they are all safe and everyone claps except for Katharine McPhee, who as we may remember from last night, doesn’t trust any of them, so why should she applaud?

Ryan tells America if they want to see the bottom three, look no further than the top row. We pan their faces and Elliott looks sweetly nervous. Lisa already knows she’s going home. Ace’s right eye (but not his left one) is tearing up. McPhee has her good ol’ “smelled a fart” look on and Bucky is blocked entirely in the shade of his cowboy hat so he could be eating a chimichanga for all we know.

Back from the break and Ryan reminds us that the five in the bottom row are safe, which elicits more applause, except now Ace and Bucky have joined Katharine in her one woman protest and are sitting on their hands along with her. We start with Elliott, who playfully puts his fingers in his ears, but he’s safe. Lisa is next and she must have been practicing that look of resigned acceptance all day long because it hasn’t moved from her face. She is in the bottom three. She goes to hug Ryan on her way to the center stage and he pretty much rebuffs her, not wanting the stink of loser on him. However, he’s not so particular when Ace’s name is the next called into the bottom three. He holds out his hand for a manly soul shake and shoulder bump. The last spot is down to Katharine and Bucky. We see a two shot of them with Taylor’s fat head in the bottom of the screen wearing so much make-up, he’s practically glowing. I’m trying to concentrate on who goes next, but thanks to Taylor all I can think about is I have to set the Tivo to record “Liza With a Z,” on Saturday.

It’s Katharine in the bottom three this week, which is a surprise. Not because she didn’t blow cottage cheese chunks all over the stage last night, but I thought she had a bigger fan base than that. The other Idolers are stunned, as are Randy and Paula. Katharine puts on a fake smile, while in the audience, dragon lady momma McPhee, who is dressed like she’s going to an Annie Hall consciousness raising party, is booing her lungs out. I wonder if when she boos, she does runs? Like instead of just going booooooo, it’s all BOO-ew-OOH-uuu-OOHWEOOH-OOO. Ryan’s gonna make us watch more commercials before we find out who is safe and who is Lisa.

Ryan decides Ace will be the first to take his place back on the couch and Katharine’s fake smile has had all it can handle for this session. It heads back to the green room to go watch Shakira and Wyclef Jean smoke their post coital cigarettes. Ace bows to the audience, hugs Lisa but barely touches Katharine’s shoulders, which I’m puzzled as how to interpret. Either Ryan blurted out who was leaving while they were in bed last night and Ace knew Kat was safe or Ace and Kat aren’t getting along and he could care less if her ass was packed back off to Sherman Oaks. Cut to a three shot of Mandisa, Chris and Kellie, none of whom look all that thrilled to see Ace headed back to the couch. In fact, Mandisa looks more annoyed than she did last night when Paula and Ryan deified her.

Katharine is in full fart-smelling scowl now and Ryan asks Simon why he thinks she is standing there. I have never seen a contestant get de-pimped so fast as Simon’s complete dismissal of Katharine. He tells her he watched the performance back last night on the monitor and it wasn’t nearly as good as he’d first thought. Ryan asks if he thinks Katharine deserves to be there after one bad week, since Simon has pretty much praised her highly for the past month and Simon says that any of the contestants could be standing there, they were all that bad, but that he thinks the reason she’s there is that she didn’t warrant the votes and he has no problem with the bottom three being there at all.
Now that, my friends, is a jaw dropper. I’m not a McFart fan and even I felt the slap in the face. McPhee’s expression is one of barely controlled rage. Instead of just getting to it, Ryan then asks Paula what she thinks. He must have surprised her in the middle of reading which pills can be taken with alcohol, because all Abdul can come up with is- America votes and you have to vote for..the one you…like. Keep dialing for…the two hours. Folks, this woman just signed another three-year contract with the show. Katharine looks like, if let loose, she’d jump down and strangle them all. I want Randy’s job. We can put Debbie Gibson in for Paula and how about Triumph the Comic Insult Dog to take over for Simon? Randy tells the contestants that they have to pick better songs. How about if I just leave my appendix in a jar of formaldehyde and let that take over for Randy?

Well, it’s Lisa going home and she’s smiling and has a great attitude about it. One thing we can say about all the Idols in the Top 12 thus far; when their number is up, they take it in stride and with class. Paris is bawling her eyes out and reaching into her sleestack bun for a Kleenex. I don’t know why she’s crying; now she has the school room all to herself. Ryan calls Lisa one of the bravest contestants they’ve ever had on Idol and I’m not sure what prompted that comment. It’s not like her daddy’s in prison or anything.

We see Lisa’s obligatory journey, beginning with her audition and the one and only time we ever heard her sing on key for a whole number. Well, if nothing else, American Idol can claim one musical success for Season Five. Thanks to them, “Bad Day,” by Daniel Powter is the #2 single in the country, something my good pal Jamey and I will need to find a way to take revenge on them for at some point. Lisa is a sweetheart and I never had anything against her, personally, she just can’t sing and it was time for her to go.

I will be bringing you a re-cap of American Idol Extra tomorrow night. In the meantime, let me just say the first batch of “How Ace Really Got His Scar” stories have been rolling in and they are damn funny. You still have time to send yours in, so please do.

Seagulls Out.

Sophie's Song Choice. AI Re-cap 3/28

Ten singular sensations left. Well, nine and Kellie Pickler. People have asked me over the past week why I’m so anti-Pickler, after all, she’s just a poor, misunderstood country girl. My answer is I’m not the least bit anti-Pickler. In fact, I’m doing just what she wants me to do- I’m focusing on her bullshit schtick and conveniently not mentioning that she has all the vocal talent of Baby Spice with hepatitis. So see, I’m not such a bad guy after all. On to the show!

We’re getting down to the wire and I’m conserving all my voting power and throwing it behind Elliott Yamin. That’s right, I’m endorsing one candidate fully. Sorry, Mandisa, once Elliott goes, I’ll focus on you, baby, but like the gal from Oliver says, As Long as He Needs Me, I’ll be there.

Seacrest is in the audience again. He probably didn’t have time for his cardio today and he’ll jog back to the stage during the credits. He’s a multi-tasker, that one. And there he is, onstage without breaking a sweat. Is there anything that host-bot can’t do? Well, besides screw a chick. Seacrest threatens that tonight’s show will be a tight one. That means all the pimping time will be conserved for Kellie Pickler and Kellie Pickler only! Katharine, Paris, Chris, get your asses down to Santa Monica and McCadden and find a new daddy, cause Kellie has just become the prime meat up in here.

Tonight’s category is “Songs of the 21st Century,” which means loads of Xtina and Alicia Keys, some Gavin DeGraw for the boys, a little Martina McBride because I believe she now has stock in the show and plenty of cotton for my ears. The first decade of the new millennium is half over and I, for one, would like to know where all those innovations are we were promised by TV and sci-fi movies of the 70s. I mean, if I have to be stuck listening to dreck like “Laffy Taffy” and “Stickwitu,” then I should at least be able to get around in a flying car. I would rather hear ten different versions of “Torn Between Two Lovers,” than to go through a musical journey of the past six years, otherwise known as the decade the music died. Come on, where’s the originality?? I say we do Saturday Morning Kids Show Themes. Mandisa could belt out a hot “H.R. Pufnstuf,” Paris could sing the theme to the Smurfs, Taylor could do “Hong Kong Phooey,” and possibly mask his tics with some judo chop moves and Kellie could sing the theme to the Superfriends. Yes, I know there are no words to that theme, but a boy can dream, can’t he?

Seacrest intros the judges and we get Randy’s fingerless signs, Paula’s pre-shitfaced smile and Simon looking up from Paula’s cleavage smirk.

We are starting off with Lisa Tucker, who is in the dreaded #1 spot. She is singing Kelly Clarkson, which you know she was forced to do by Simon, who probably went down to the greenroom last week with a riding crop and browbeat all the lower contestants until someone broke and agreed to do some Kelly. Lisa will be singing “Because of You.” It’s nice to see that some of the 21st century innovations have come to fruition. Those robot singers are amazingly lifelike, don’t you think?

Lord, Lisa is already singing off key and the piano player has barely touched the keys. And now she’s shouting. I said earlier that Lisa was lucky this was the theme of this week because if ever she’s going to get a free pass, it’s going to be by fooling the judges and America with three or four power notes that you only get by singing the crap of today’s female vocalists. Lisa’s trying her damnedest to feel something, anything. She pulls at her extensions to evoke some sort of pain, much like how Franco Zefferelli, while shooting “Endless Love,” had to hide at the foot of the bed and squeeze Brooke Shields’ baby toe during the sex scenes so that her face might somehow express even the tiniest bit of passion. Oh, glory to Christ this is a bad vocal. This is what we gave up Kevin Covais for? She needs to GO! At the end of the song, Lisa tries for a distraught, heartbroken look, but the closest she gets is “What’s that smell?!” Then she lights up like a Christmas tree or a toddler that’s just made its first boom-boom in the plastic potty. Look what I did!

Randy says it was just a’ight and he’s keepin’ it real. Paula admonishes him and tries to soft soap by saying there is no doubt Lisa can sing her butt off. Hey, Paula, I can get up there and scream like someone lit a match inside my asshole, too, but it doesn’t mean it’s gonna sound good. Simon says parts of the performance were painful and Lisa finally makes a face I believe, one of disgust. Simon tells her to watch the performance back on tape and she’ll see. All I see is that Simon could have been a little nicer, if only to ensure this chick is gone tomorrow night, cause I don’t think Ryan Seacrest is gonna want to be squeezing her big toe next week, no matter how much of a foot fetish he has.

Ryan forces the judges to argue over the semantics of the word painful. And seeing that Kellie is up next, that would be a valid argument. We’re back and Ryan is in the audience, fondling some little girl. Ryan, last week it was cute, this week it’s bordering on pathological. Two words, my friend- Gary Glitter.

Kellie is singing something called “Suds in the Bucket,” by Sara Evans. I’m proud to say I have no knowledge of this and I can’t help thinking Martina McBride is heaving a sigh of relief knowing someone else’s song is going to be murderlized. She tells us the story of the song, about some redneck coming to her rescue in a pickup truck and taking her to Vegas to get hitched; in other words, her wet dream.

The vocal starts off rough and Kellie just sort of meanders around the stage as though she’s doing a sound check and not performing on live television. Kellie is being aided mightily by the back up singers, but she’s wearing a midriff-bearing top, so who’s really listening to her? The audience applauds and we cut to a shot of two women, one of whom is clapping robotically with a scowl on her face and the other who is whispering into her ear, probably about Kellie’s prom dress fiasco or some other piece of gossip she read on the net this week. Is Kellie’s grandpa wearing an old Tanya Tucker iron-on t-shirt? All in all, it wasn’t a disaster for Pickler, but it was just a’ight. Randy didn’t like the song choice and neither he nor Paula think the song was up to Kellie’s standards or vocal talent. Pickler mews into the camera a pathetic “I’m sorry,” and on cue, the audience goes…. “Awwwwwww.” Before she can ask what a ballsy is again, Simon chimes in with his critique. Again, complaining about the song, but god forbid we mention the lack of presence onstage or anything. Kellie tries to apologize again before she gets the hook (we’re on a schedule, people!!) and Ace is up next.
Ace is going to show us a little bit more of a rock edge this week and he’s chosen “Drops of Jupiter,” by Train, because to Ace, that’s what constitutes a rock edge. That, and Chris made fun of him when he said he was gonna sing a Pussycat Dolls song.

I have never actually burst out laughing while watching anyone on here sing. Until tonight, that is. Ace, simultaneously yodeling/going through puberty while singing the word hair, while defiantly leaving his abs for the moment and reaching up to stroke his own lustrous brown locks is a howler on a Mel Brooks level. In fact, I need to rewatch it RIGHT NOW. Soon enough, though, Ace is playing the six pack while waddling in place, singing through his nose and looking oh so sincere while over-enunciating every word. Ace is the only person I know of who must do a nasal douche before each performance so he doesn’t snot accidentally during a chorus of something. Ace’s hands are trembling as he points and does a repeated box step. Man, he’s got wide shoulders. He brings the song home (actually, he dumps it two blocks away and leaves it to find it’s way back alone) then stares soulfully for another eye-boink into the camera. Franco Zefferelli must be squeezing his baby toe. I never thought I’d say this, but he deserves to go over Lisa this week. That was appalling. Appalling with a “rock edge”!

Randy just can’t believe his bad fortune this week in having to go first. He says it was the wrong song choice and that Ace didn’t even sing it well. Randy, if Ace could actually sing, if most of these people could sing, then there would be no such thing as a bad song choice unless they decided to do something like “Pac Man Fever.” Randy says he didn’t see Ace’s little soul thing he usually does, like ‘NSYNC. Yeah, when you say soul….

Wow, even Paula is upset because her boobies haven’t left the desk once. She’s not gonna be as harsh as Randy, but neither is she going to be ringing out her panties all over Ace as she usually does. Paula says compared to the last two performances, it was a breath of fresh air (or testosterone, though Lisa has more than Ace does.) but she thought it was a bad song choice, but a good vocal. Oh, Paula. She then asks Ace if he was showing off a real scar during the song on his collar bone and indeed he was. We get a close-up and Paula says one day Ace will have to tell her how he got it. Now, she didn’t stand up and deliver the request while channeling Mae West, however the panic buttons went off in front of Simon and Randy and they start shouting her down. Such dirty minds these men have. Anyway, I’m sure Ryan will get to the bottom of Ace’s scar. With his tongue. Simon says the vocal wasn’t great, that it was quite karaoke, which I think is a compliment compared to what the vocal actually was. Ryan asks about the scar!! Do I know my closeted game show hosts or what? Ace’s official story is that he was playing basketball and fell and cut himself.

Folks- I’m going to sponsor a contest. The person who comes up with the best story of how Ace really got his scar will win a CD of all the performances of their three favorite idols from this season, up through the finale. I will post the top five stories on my blog. Send your entries to flkofcguls@aol.com with your name and a valid e-mail address before next Tuesday and I will print them after next week’s re-cap. I’m totally serious about this, I wanna hear from you. Make the stories good.
Taylor is up next. Ryan shows off a little boy (Ryan, enough with the kids!!) who has grey hair, telling Taylor he is influencing the youth of America one head at a time. Taylor, not understanding the kid has on talcum powder, urges the child not to let them dye it, fight for his hair. The kid also has Taylor’s enormous fat face and triple chin. Don’t let them take away dessert, kid, fight for it. Apparently we’re on a tight schedule, but not tight enough to get a little Taylor pimping action. Ryan wants to know all about the “Soul Patrol.” Taylor claims it’s a “legion” (his word) of fans that have stuck with him. Quick, Kellie, how many people in a legion? So basically, it’s five housewives and one drunk guy who loved Taylor before he hid the mid-time on Idol. And he’s the soul patrolman. Ryan and Taylor point out the deputy and they flash back to powderhead who keeps hopping around on his seat like he has the worst case of hemorrhoids since Ace got that scar. Now we go to the video to find out what Taylor is singing because we haven’t spent enough time with him.

Taylor says this is one of his all time favorite songs (from 2004), Ray LaMontaigne’s “Trouble.” Yeah, don’t know it. We get a scary back shot of Taylor in a snug leather jacket and fat jeans. I never want to hear another word about how Katharine is gaining weight unless the same standard is used for Taylor, who is slowly turning into John Candy.

When Taylor gets to the lyric “worry” (repeated several times) he presses a finger to his left temple and rubs it, smooshing his eyebrow and making him look like he has an Anacin headache. People, STOP touching yourselves to express the lyrics. Seriously. Knock. The. Shit. OFF! Then Taylor sings that he has been upset by a woman, but he looks like he’s having an acid reflux attack.

I have to say that was a shit-ass song, but Taylor sang well tonight, probably the best he has the whole competition and he kept the schtick to a minimum while singing. Of course, that only means he’s free to jerk out and whoo during the judges evaluations. Let’s see. Randy didn’t like the song choice and says it didn’t show off Taylor’s voice and what he can do. Taylor explains that he wanted to sing a song tonight that would show off his vocals only and I say good for him for realizing he needs to cut the shit out after last week’s wreck of a performance. Extra props for that. Paula agrees wholeheartedly. Simon agrees with Paula and that exacts the first WHOO of the night, but let him have it, he earned it. Simon then goes on to say he doesn’t like Taylor’s styling in that it reminds him of Clay Aiken. Huh? I think for Simon, after a while they’re all just a blur to him.

We hurry to Mandisa because Taylor had extra pimpin’ time and she is singing a song called “(Shackles) Wanna Praise You,” by the gospel duo Mary Mary. Now last fall, I went to see “Good Night and Good Luck,” and during some commercial for Coke, they used a song called “The Real Party,” by Mary Mary that I just fell in love with. I sought out the album and downloaded it and waded through four of the worst R&B gospel tunes I’d ever heard before getting to the song I liked, real Jesus freak howlers written with the blunt end of a crucifix. I’ve heard decent gospel and inspirational music before and despite my eventual descent into the netherworld for my multitude of sins, I can appreciate that sort of music when it’s good. That being said, I’m expecting a wreck from Mandisa tonight, ignoring the obvious foot in the mouth comments one could make about a black woman singing a song called Shackles.

Mandisa is in jeans again and she charges out, telling me my addiction, lifestyle and situation may be big, but God is bigger. Way to get me to pick up the phone, hon. Mandisa stole one of Ace’s spangly beanies and has it stuck in her back pocket, along with the Cambodian child who probably stitched it. The holes are starting to show through Mandisa’s vocals more and more blatantly. She has always had a problem when just singing regularly and not shouting and this week it sounds like she’s talk singing until she gets to the shouty parts. Bad vocal, bad song. At this point, I’m almost wishing for a little Xtina and Alicia. (No, NO, I didn’t mean it, I swear!!) George Huff is in the audience and he is praising Mandisa and totally into it. Hmmm… I smell a remake of “Amen.”

Randy, for the fifth time tonight, is not having song choice, but Paula declares a new religion is in the hizz-ouse, the church of Mandisa. Some old man stands in the audience with his man-DIVA sign and holds it up, then quickly lowers it and checks to make sure he’s holding up the correct side and not the one that says “Libby’s Cling Peaches in Heavy Syrup, 24 Case.” Simon says it was a bit indulgent and he didn’t get it and I think that is one of the most astute comments I’ve heard from the judges in a long time. Mandisa is going to have to do a few extra Hail Marys this week for being prideful and putting false idols before God or something.

Back from the break with Chris Daughtry and we’re having a fireside pimp chat with him and Ryan to clear up all the internet buzzing going on that Chris didn’t really do an original arrangement of “I Walk the Line,” that it was Live’s arrangement. Chris admits it in a thick southern accent that I’ve never heard from him before, so he knows how to play the game as well as Pickler. Thanks for clearing that up, Ryan, after thousands of us beat you to the punch.

Chris is rocking his Stella D’oro S-shaped cookie sideburns again this week and is singing “What If,” by Creed. In the words of Chandler Bing, could you BE any more lame? And here comes the Chris Daughtry ROCK N ROLL Revue, with light show, canted camera angles and Peter Criss on a 30 foot high drum riser. You must be this naïve to board the ride. Souvenir stands can be found in the north and west corners of the ampitheatre. Please hold on to your ticket stubs if you leave your seats.

The vocal was kind of a screaming mess, nonetheless on-pitch. I’m not really sure how to critique this sort of vocal. Ummm, you shouted well? There was no subtlety whatsoever to that vocal, it was just an assault. Sure, there are tons of bands making millions with that kind of music and it can be very good, but as actual singing, it’s in a totally different category. Randy actually liked the song but thought Chris was sharp, which exacts the second laugh out loud response from me tonight. Sharp? How could you tell? Paula loves him and is transferring all her vibrator time to Chris. Simon found a new buzz word to play with and isn’t ready to let it go yet, however it completely applies here, too. INDULGENT! Simon tells Chris he needs to start showing a different side of himself and that he can’t keep coming out and doing the same thing week after week after week. Which of course flies in the face of his previous comments that Chris knows who he is and is the most original of all the contestants. Chris goes to talk back and Ryan swoops in to save the day, not letting Chris get a word in. We’re off to Katharine.

Just when you thought it was safe to speak in normal quantities of syllables, McPhee is going to be doing a Xtina song called “The Voice Within.” She says she picked it because she’s learned throughout this competition that the only person you can trust is yourself. Slap in the face to mommy! If I was Mrs. McFart, I would go right over to Kellie and offer my services. It’s a match made in Van Nuys. Kellie needs a momma, momma needs someone who takes direction.

Right off the bat, I can tell McPhee that she can’t trust herself, because her first line is wildly off-pitch. In fact, they just came in and carried George Huff away to the hospital with a concussion, that’s how bad that pitch was. The vocal is terrible in ways that McPhee usually isn’t terrible. The reason I don’t like most of her performances is not because she can’t sing, but because she always oversings. No, she triple dog dares oversings. But she knows how to sing when she can rein it in. This, however- Awful pitch problems, really off-key until she starts getting into the meat of the song and then it’s free extend-a-words for everyone! Like Anwar, she sucked through most of the song, but managed to bring it home with some power notes.

Randy says Kat didn’t bring anything new to the song, but Paula thinks she was at her best. How much do you think I could get for Paula’s tin ear at a junk shop? Simon says he thinks it was the best tonight, which, uh, hello, isn’t much of a compliment (though I disagree. Taylor outsang her by a country mile.)

Bucky is next and he’s singing “A Real Good Man,” by Tim McGraw. As usual, the band is drowning him out and he’s mumbling, so it’s hard to accurately evaluate, but it sounds decent. He’s giving a good performance, overall, and he looks great, despite the Camryn Mannheim earring action he’s sporting in both lobes. Biggest surprise of the night- Bucky is married! I’m not surprised that he would be, I’m just surprised because he’s never mentioned her before. Randy brings up song choice without once mentioning singing. Paula comments on diction without once mentioning singing and Simon bears the burden and tells Bucky is was pretty bad, he couldn’t understand a word Bucky said and if he was paying, he’d have gotten up and left. Bucky takes it in stride and I have a feeling he’s toast.

Ryan tells us Princess Pee is up next. What? Oh, excuse me, Princess P. Paris on the video is sporting a Hat 2 Da Back and no makeup, which makes her look more Webster-like than usual. I share a personal trainer with an actor who used to be on that show and every time I see him, I’m tempted to ask if watching Paris makes him nostalgic for Emmanuel Lewis. Paris is singing “Work it Out,” by Beyonce. Now why would you choose a song sung by Aloha Micheaux? I liked Aloha (more than Paris) but come on.

Paris is sporting a Cinnabon on the top of her head coupled with a white woman’s ponytail that she keeps swinging around and hitting herself in the face with. If she’s not careful, she’s gonna knock a contact lens loose.

Vocally, once she started singing and stopped telling us what a great time we were gonna have, she sounded okay. I’m still unimpressed by her, however she was one of the better ones tonight and isn’t likely going anywhere. Randy says it was da bomb and Paris thanks him in her breathy little babydoll voice. My trainer can imitate her speaking voice to a T and I have almost dropped a nad laughing while trying to do bench presses, listening to him egging me on in Princess Pee’s voice. Paula loved it, but Simon was unduly harsh. Paris has given worse performances with better praise. He says it was like watching a little girl pretending to be Beyonce. Well, duh. But she did it okay.

Back from the break and Elliott is bringing it home for us. He’s chosen Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be,” which is a poor decision. Chariot would have suited him much better. He wants to show a different side of himself and he does, forgetting the lyrics to the first three lines and tripping on his way down the stage. Elliott as a fly-girl doesn’t fly with me. If you don’t wanna be anything other than you, Elliott, then quit singing this stuff. That being said, he didn’t sound bad at all, it just wasn’t the right thing for him.

The audience is going King Kong over Elliott and Paula is up and shrieking. So much so that Simon pushes her back down into her seat in frustration. Randy declares it another hot one and Paula calls Elliott one funky white boy. Simon says in complete monotone- good song, terrible arrangement, good vocal, hideous dancing. I’d agree.

Well, that was a very different kind of disaster than I expected overall and quite a surprise when Taylor and Paris wind up in my top 3 and Mandisa is ranked lower than Pickler. Here they are 1-10.

1- Taylor
2- Elliott
3- Paris
4- Bucky
5- Chris
6- Kellie
7- Mandisa
8- Katharine
9- Lisa
10- Ace

Who should go: Lisa, cause I just can’t handle her anymore and Ace is too much fun to crack on.

Who will go: Lisa, with Bucky as a dark horse and Ace rounding out the bottom three.

Thanks for reading and don’t forget- I want to hear from you. How did Ace really get his scar? See you tomorrow for the wrap-up.

Seagulls out.

American Idol Extra. 3/23 re-cap

This is going to be brief and not terribly snarky. I wasn't going to do one at all, except some of the interviews brought up interesting things that we have been talking about on here.

This is definitely a better show than the TV Guide pre-show, which is just a complete waste of time. I pretty much zipped through that one today in about 10 minutes.

Ty Treadway chatted with Kevin Covais immediately after the show, while he was still onstage, and of course, the first thing out of his mouth was to call Kevin Chicken Little. Kevin, it's okay to tell people to fuck off now. Kevin said he was proud of the work he'd done on the show and was very matter of fact about being voted off.

Ty's co-host is Mikalah Gordon and if he's going to interview her every week, then he needs to find a replacement. Mikalah and Matt Rogers do a "celebrity" interview montage with the VIPs in the audience, including Constantine Maroulis, Ryan Cabrera, Kate Mara, Andrew Firestone and Jasmine Trias. If this show had been done in the '70s, you would have probably seen interviews with such luminaries as Jaye P. Morgan, Rodney Allan Rippy, Jimmy Osmond and Witchiepoo.

Ty interviews the vocal coach for the boys, Dorian Holley, so apparently, Byrd only works with the women. Dorian says he thinks Kevin had a tough time getting across the vulnerability of the song "When I Fall in Love." Ty Treadway himself doesn't seem to understand the lyrics to the song because he says several times he doesn't know how Kevin could have sung the song since he hasn't ever fallen in love. Yeah, Ty, it's about someone who's thinking about the first time he's going to fall in love and hoping that love lasts forever. Soap actors.

Matt Rogers is interviewing Carmen Rasumusen, who looks like she just got off her shift at the Stop n Shop. Carmen dares to diss Kevin by saying he deserved to go this week, because even though he had an okay voice, he had no personality. Cause, you know, Carmen knows star quality when she sees it. Carmen says she thinks America listens to the judges completely when voting and Matt says the judges were very positive on Kevin this week, Carmen disagrees and says they were only neutral. Matt dumps her ass quickly and then interviews Simon.

Simon is quite enlightening and acknowledges that when he trashes someone's performance, it seems to rally the voters around them and that when he's fairly positive to someone in danger, it usually spells their death knell. He says that if he had been meaner to Kevin this week that he'd probably still be here and that maybe he did him a disservice by being nice.

Matt: Were you surprised at this week's bottom three?

Simon: Not at all. Bucky was terrible. Kevin, well, you know, that was quite obvious. Lisa, no personality. If she doesn't show her personality, she's not gonna last long. She's not a bad singer. When we first saw her, we actually predicted she's win the show, but she's kind of shrunk.

Matt asks Simon if he ever goes back on early predictions and Simon says all the time.

Matt: Did the right person go home tonight?

Simon: Yeah, I think so. I mean, he couldn't win, could he? (no response from Matt) He couldn't.

Barry Manilow didn't have to rush off quite so quikcly last night, as he had time to sit down with Ty Treadway.

We see exclusive footage of Barry talking with the Idols in Vegas. Chris still looks like he's off in Live land while Barry's speaking. Barry tells them to find way to let the real them shine through and instead of being a second rate someone else, be a first rate you.

In the studio with Ty Treadway, Barry then says that since the music is from the '50s, you have to sing it like the '50s. Pay attention to the lyrics, respect the songwriter's intentions, no odd phrasing, no vocal tricks and gymnastics. Stick to how the song is written. He then immediately turns around and tells Ty he tried to get the kids to find their own style, do the song the way they hear it, not how it was done originally. To find their own version, their own voice. So apparently, Barry would make an excellent judge on the show since he seems to contradict his own advice.

The show builds up to a segment where Carrie Underwood went back to give the wannabe Idols advice and words of wisdom, yet we never get to hear any of those words, just Carrie talking about her own career while being interviewed in the studio and a few shout outs about her album and single. She says she hasn't met one person who doesn't like "Jesus Take the Wheel," then says that it touches everyone who hears it. "Or everyone is lying to me."
The girl learns fast.

Ty Treadway interviews Yvonne Elliman, I mean Jasmine Trias. Sorry, the perpetual flower threw me off. After recording two albums in the Phillipines (I wonder how Burt Bachrach translates in Tagalog?) Jasmine is moving to the mainland from Hawaii to further her singing and acting careers. What a shame the UPN is going bust.

Mikalah interviews the show's stylist, a skinny brit twist named Miles Siggins. Miles goes over each of the Idols' wardrobe for this week without saying anything of value or illumination, so that should tell you why they look so wonderful.

Finally, Treadway interviews Kevin Covais, who is very sweet and very humble. Ty makes with the Chicken Little jokes again and Kevin pretends to not mind it. Ty also presses Kevin on his sex symbol status and Kevin is somewhat embarrassed and downplays it, saying he knows he's not a sex symbol and that it was all in fun. Kevin had really nice things to say about everyone, especially his fellow contestants and will miss them all, especially Paris, who he was very close to.

More Matt Rogers, less Ty Treadway, lock Mikalah Gordon in a trunk with Kimberly Caldwell and where are the bees that should be hovering around Jasmine Trias? Oh, and Carmen, I'll take that Happy Meal to go, thanks.

It's Hard Out Here For a Shrimp. AI Re-cap 3/22

Ryan is in the back of the house again tonight. I don’t know what’s so alluring about this area that he feels the need to stand in it all the time. Is he trying to show he’s just an average person like anyone else in the audience? I’m not buying it. No man pumices as much as you do, Ry-Ry.

Seacrest tells us to get a look at our Top 10, which means one of them is going home. We pan the Idolettes and everyone has a fake smile plastered on their faces, except Pickler, who’s just slack jawed, Chris, who has a self-satisfied smirk and Katharine who still can’t figure out why the show hasn’t been re-titled “The Katharine McPhee Variety Hour.”

Ryan walks onstage and says the “gig” is up for one of our contestants. The gig? I thought it was the jig is up? Have we gotten that politically correct that Seacrest has to say it incorrectly for fear of offending a minority group?

The favorite new game is to look at the placement of each Idol on the couch and try and figure out who’s going based on where they sit. We’ve got six up top and five on the bottom. Above, in order, are Ace, Mandisa, Elliott, Kellie, Chris and Paris. Below, in order, are Katharine, Kevin, Lisa, Bucky and Taylor. I would imagine that one from the top row is in the bottom three and two from the bottom row. Taylor is probably safe, so if they group him with Bucky, Bucky is in the bottom, if they group Lisa with Kevin, she’ll be in the bottom, Kat will be safe, Ace is safe, Mandisa, safe, which leaves Elliott and Kellie in the vulnerable spots. Of those two, unfortunately, it may be Elliott in the bottom three. Enough armchair quarterbacking, let’s find out!!

Oh, right, we still have 27 minutes of yak yak and Manilow, Paula imbibing, Randy yo yo-ing, Simon sneering and let’s not forget those eight or nine glimpses back at 24 hours ago. I’m getting a candy bar.

Okay, I settled for a turkey sandwich. If you guessed 35 million votes were registered last night then you won the crock pot. The camera scans the audience and an old lady in a Mrs. Roper muu-muu is holding up a Pick Pickler sign. Shouldn’t she be rooting for Kevin? Simon needs to go set her straight! Paula and Simon are speaking again. Well, Simon is speaking, Paula is holding up an invisible butterfly net, hoping to trap some words she can string together to form a coherent sentence.

Two minutes in and we’re already having our first flashback to last night and clips of all the performances. We get a Seacrest re-cap of yea for Kelly and Chris, nay for Taylor and Bucky, nay for Lisa, yay for Kevin, Mandisa, Katharine, Paris and Ace and just a clip of Elliott singing with no comment at all. I’m superstitious so I take that as a bad omen. The judges all clearly thought Elliott did a great job last night, so why no re-cap of their comments? I know, I need to just fast forward and satisfy my curiosity right now, but I won’t. Then I would miss the really bad commercial coming up…after the break.

We got the beat, but who the hell is singing the song? It sounds like a bunch of 45 year olds pretending to be the Brady Kids. The commercial was cute. Ryan says the show (actually, the word he uses is “we”) transformed that kid’s life, meaning Kevin. Kevin’s smile turns into a sneer. He hates Ryan and I hope that after he gets voted off, he’ll go public with every scintilla of dirt he has on Seacrest, cause you know there are some mauve colored skeletons in that one’s closet.

Ryan threatens us with a trip to the finals of Idol and then, could it be the magic that is…Barry Manilow? It could. The audience goes apeshit over Barry and Ryan isn’t having it because Barry appears to fill his suit out much better than Ryan does. Ryan tries to talk over the applause, but the crowd isn’t done and Barry’s like, don’t shit on my spot, kid. Wait your turn. I earned my star, my mommy didn’t have to buy it for me.

Ryan makes a big deal over the fact that after Barry worked with the kids in Vegas, he flew out to LA on his own dime to make sure the band sounded okay on Monday morning. He mentions it twice, then actually asks Barry if he paid for the trip, himself. Barry’s all- it doesn’t matter, who cares? But Ryan won’t leave it alone. Expect Dick Clark to get a call from Barry tonight- Dick! This is the pisher you chose for your replacement? He won’t shut up about money. What did you have, a stroke or something?

While Seacrest is looking for the store receipt for his tie, Barry is going to sing “Love is a Many Splendored Thing.” I didn’t know there were lyrics to that song, beyond what you hear in the first few minutes of “Grease.” But hey, at least I’ve heard of “Walkin’ After Midnight.” Is it me, or is the band doing a weird beat that doesn’t match the tempo of the song or how Barry is singing at all? It’s like someone’s running a washing machine over the song. Maybe the band is pissed at Barry because he was checking up on them and decided to exact some revenge.

I am sooooo happy I didn’t fast forward through this song because in the middle of the audience (on the extreme side, of course) is Bobby Bennett, a lone man standing for his hero, like Glenn Close in “The Natural”, only fat, creepy and gay. Bobby is swaying to the music, mouthing every word. It’s too bad he couldn’t round up Jm J. Bullock, Rip Taylor, Sean Hayes and the ghost of Peter Allen to come with him. They could have painted B-A-R-R-Y on their bare bellies and done the wave everytime the camera passed them.

The Idolers are trying to enjoy the performance, but they’re too nervous about the impending results and, well, it’s Barry Manilow, so the most they can muster are pained smiles. All except Katharine, who’s pointing and laughing at Bobby Bennett. After the song, Kat pulls Bobby up onstage and Ryan introduces him to Barry, who recognizes him. Bobby grabs Barry in a hug and Barry’s like, wow, this kid’s almost as crazy as Taylor. No more Mr. Nice Guy after the break….

On with the results now. We had a couple extra commercials so security could drag Bobby Bennett out of the auditorium. He was singing, “Love is a Many Splendored Thing,” at the top of his lungs. Ryan goes to Ace first and he is….not in the bottom three. Oh, we’re gonna do it that way again. Swell. Mandisa is safe. Ryan gets to Elliott and you can tell he just doesn’t like him because he always falters before he tells him his status, like he wants to send him into diabetic shock. Elliott is safe, thank god. I realized while Manilow was singing that if Elliott had gone home, my phone would have rung several times.

Schtickler is next and Ryan says in his re-cap that Simon called her “ballsy and sexy.” Kellie, as if on cue, says, “What’s a ballsy?” Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case. Anyone who wants to try and claim the hick act is genuine after that needs to have their head examined. Kellie is safe. Ick, Pickler.

Chris, Paris and Katharine are safe, so my bottom three prediction of a couple days ago holds, cause I can’t believe Taylor is in there, even though he oughta be. Well, I wasted all that time trying to analyze the seating chart and they went and changed it up on me. This is what you get when you hang out with a bunch of Idol conspiracy freaks. And Taylor is safe, so it’s Bucky, Kevin and Lisa in the bottom three. I’m still predicting it’s Lisa, but after the break…we’ll find out.

Seacrest reminds everyone of what the bottom three sang and the reactions, then he flubs his lines so horribly, that it almost turns into a Jack Palance announcing Marisa Tomei as the winner of Best Supporting Actress at the Oscars moment. He tells Lisa she is in the bottom…three. Yeah, dickhead, she’s not standing up there waiting for a moxie delivery. “But you are not the, in, the..to-bottom two. You are safe.” Oh well, forget about me buying a ticket to Idols Live. Ugh, I can’t believe we’re gonna get stuck with another wobbly, out of tune Lisa performance. Maybe she’ll be in the bottom three every week until she wins the damn thing.

Paula gives the two remaining contestants some decent words of advice and I want the camera to pan down under her seat, because someone has got to have their hand shoved up her ass, working her controls. She’s never said so many words coherently in a row, ever! Bucky is safe, Kevin is going home. No tour for the Covais.

Immediately, Ryan screams out “Oh no, Chicken Little is leaving us.” This guy hasn’t got a drop of class. You know Kevin hates that, even Paris has cut that shit out, but Ryan just can’t let it go. I really wish Ace would just let Ryan watch him take a shower already so he could quit being such a bitch.

We see the journey of wee Kevin Covais and I’m gonna miss him. TPTB blew it, because Kevin would have been a draw on tour. Kids love going to that kind of thing and Kevin would have put tiny butts in the seats. No one is gonna turn out for Lisa Tucker. Hell, I have to look up her last name every time I need to type it.

Kevin takes the stage to sing “When I Fall in Love” one more time and he sounds waves better than he did last night, and last night wasn’t too bad. Of course, he gets cut off in the middle, but I hope the producers saw enough to make them realize what dopes they are.

Kevster, I salute you.

Taylor Hicks IS Pee Wee Herman in... AI Re-cap 3/21

Welcome back folks for 20 minutes of the greatest show on earth spread across two hours. Ryan Seacrest is in the back of the audience parading his tie while a woman who is wearing a souvenir Chris Daughtry goatee watches, admiringly.

Ryan once again lectures us sternly about voting and tonight I’m actually home on time, so I will be picking up my phone for those who deserve it, which already leaves out five of the eleven contestants. Ryan has a weird eye thing happening tonight. One eye is larger than the other, like Shannen Doherty only less masculine. And sober.

The Main Street Electrical Parade of Idolers trots out, starting with Mandisa (meaning that the practice of reversing the order of who goes from the week before has been tossed out the window in favor of blatantly pimping TPTB’s favorites in the latter positions.) Mandisa has a big ol’ MacArthur Park cake hair-do. Bucky is next and looks like he was just picked up after a hard day moving furniture. Then comes Paris, who rented “Lady Sings the Blues” this weekend and is dressed accordingly. And in the following order, Chris, Katharine, who is wearing a dress purloined from the wardrobe of Stacked, because even her ample sweater puppies can’t fill the bust out, Taylor, who is dressed like Liberace’s gayer brother, Lisa Tucker, fresh off a twenty year old Lionel Ritchie music video, Kevin, who’s hoping to get this over with fast cause he has an audition for Beauty and the Geek 3, Elliott, Kellie Pickler, who walks across the stage dead-eyed until someone flips her hick switch mid-way through and she lights up like one of the Country Bear Jamboree washtub players, and Ace.

The judges are introduced and Simon gets booed. Randy says he thinks the ‘50s motif will be easier than last week because the music is straightforward and there aren’t as many opportunities for runs. Expect Katharine to shoot down that theory. Ryan asks Paula if she thinks the contestants are up to the challenge. Paula stares into space for a full three seconds, then speaks in a hesitant staccato, as though her stomach were being pumped for each word, along with the excess Tuinals she swallowed. Ryan tells Simon he saw him on Larry King and asks him about his prediction that Taylor, Kellie and Chris would be the final three (without naming them, of course, Ryan is nothing but diplomatic). Simon says it is not too early to start naming the good from the bad and he doesn’t care how the other eight contestants feel. This, to me, is what undermines this show more than anything and really exposes it more and more as a fraud. Simon was supposed to pick the 24 best singers and he’s done nothing but complain about ¾ of his choices every single week. So then why should we listen to you now if you’re basically telling us you didn’t know what you were doing then?

Calling all middle-aged, unmarried, delusional secretaries with thyroid troubles who own at least two cats and live in Hallmark stores to the television set!!! Your Idol is on. Yes, it’s time for a tribute to Barry Manilow. America’s favorite punchline in between Liberace and Boy George is given the AI retrospective. The 11 remaining Idols are flown to Vegas to meet Barry in between his show. I’ll bet no one cries this week. Well, except for Pickler once someone tells her it’s what Carrie would have done. We pan the kids while Barry is telling them about the ‘50s style and Kevin rolls his eyes, Chris pretends to listen and Ace stifles the urge to raise his hand and ask Barry all about the times he played piano for Better Midler in the Continental Baths. Afterwards, Ace is going across the street for a private tutorial with Siegfried and Roy.

We’re starting with Mandisa and she is singing a Dinah Washington song called “I Don’t Hurt Anymore.” We see her working with Barry and it just struck me that Manilow and Rod Stewart could be Doublemint Twins, or Viagra Twins, considering their ages. Barry says Mandisa is one of a kind and has no range, which makes no sense, but he’s the man responsible for Copacabana, so what do you expect?

This is a crappy choice of song in that it’s terribly unmemorable. Mandisa gives it her all, but she’s flat in places and I liked it, but I’m still not blown away like I was weeks ago. Mandisa is almost always a solid performer, but I really want to have another jaw-dropper with her. I’m bummed because I have so few people on here to root for anymore. The audience is going nuts for her. Randy is loving her up and giving her all sorts of mad props. The camera cuts to a two shot of Randy and Paula and Ms. Abdul looks peeved as hell at Randy’s comments and I can’t figure out if she hates Mandisa or if she’s pissed because Randy took all the good adjectives. It’s just the meds (stupid me) because Paula likes Mandisa and manages to come up with a few new ways to praise her. Simon tells Mandisa she is blossoming and her performance was very sexy and I’m sorry but after he basically promised America on Howard Stern that Mandisa would not win Idol, I can’t take anything he says seriously. Mandisa does look pretty tonight, despite an ugly-designed dress. I tried voting for her but only got through once, the phone was constantly busy.

Bucky is next and singing “Oh Boy,” by Buddy Holly. He does his song for Barry and Manilow’s reaction is “It’s long.” He throws in a few key changes for Bucky, some brass, a couple flutes, some chintz curtains and dandy bowl of fruit. Before you know it, Oh Boy has turned into “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts.” Careful, Barry, they shoot guys like you where Bucky comes from. That stylist who did his hair last week hasn’t been heard from in four days. Barry describes the beginning as an “oooooh” moment and Bucky visibly shudders.

Bucky sings the song and those key changes seem to have gone out the window like the chintz because I don’t hear them at all. Bucky is the only person I have ever heard who can sing flat and you kind of don’t mind. It’s not good, but it’s Bucky, gol’dangit. Bless his pointed little head. Randy loves him some Bucky and the audience agrees. We cut to a shot of Bucky’s kin and then to a man in the audience who has decided to model himself after his new hero, Taylor Hicks. He has the same haircut, color and triple chin. I wonder if this is going to take off nationally, like those girls from Fast Times at Ridgemont High who all dressed like Pat Benatar. The Taylor-ette brought his date for the evening, a twelve-year old girl with geek glasses and pigtails who looks like a trailer trash version of Melissa Gilbert in Little House on the Prairie and who’s just using him so she can get close to Kevin Covais. Randy is right, however, it wasn’t a perfect vocal, but it was a great choice of song for Bucky. Paula steals a glance at Randy’s blinged out watch like she’s gonna try and boost it during Taylor’s performance because she’s seriously behind on payments to her connection, who’s waiting downstairs for her in the green room. Paula asks Bucky how it was working with Barry Manilow and I swear she almost nods out during his answer. She is heavily medicated tonight. Simon gives Bucky a reality check and says it was nothing more than bad karaoke. Taylor-ette’s date gets all Jerry Springer on Simon and starts booing him. Simon calls it a “So what” performance and I guess I have come to expect so little from Bucky that I’m going to say not only was it his best performance yet, but I actually enjoyed it. Paula interrupts Simon and starts braying and even Bucky is like- fuck, she’s trashed. And he knows from trashed.

Oh god, it’s time for Paris. She’s singing “Fever,” by Peggy Lee and I wonder if we’ll get to see the bitch fight between her and Katharine over who got to do that one this week. Paris says the song was recorded 30 years before she was even a thought in anyone’s mind. By anyone, she means God, of course, because Paris is his Goodwill Ambassador, newly appointed ever since those nude photos of John the Baptist’s wife showed up all over the internet and bounced her ass right out of a job. But John, I was told they’d be in silhouette only! You can’t multiply fish, so how were we supposed to eat?

Barry says Fever is a very mature song for a 17 year old to be doing. He tells Paris Peggy Lee was very cool, but that Paris is very hot. Maybe it’s because she’s wearing a winter coat, scarf and one of the Cosby kids’ hats (possibly Weird Harold’s) onstage in under hundreds of lights. Everytime we cut back to Barry talking about one of the Idolers, he has more and more spray tan caked across his face. By the time we get to Ace, he’s gonna look like a cork board with eyes.

Paris sounds okay, but this is the wrong arrangement for this song. It’s not supposed to have runs all through it. Paris does sound good (though it’s sometimes hard to hear her over that loud wig she has on) but if I can Cowell it for a moment, it’s like watching a little girl playing dress-up vocally. It’s all the glitz with none of the sophistication. She doesn’t have the experience to pull off a song like this and it just looks like someone pretending to be a mature woman. This is finally an example of what the judges were saying to her all those times when they told her she looked like a fifty year old teenager. So of course they won’t say it now.

We see Constantine in the audience next to Ryan Cabrera, who could stand to borrow one of Paris’ wigs. That dude has the nastiest hair I have ever seen. It always looks dirty and unkempt. It’s the Baby Jane Hudson of hair-dos. He never washes it clean, he just keeps lacquering on hairspray on top of hairspray.

Paris stands back and waits for the adulation. Somewhere in Purgatory, John the Baptist’s wife is washing the floors and giving Paris the finger. Randy tells her he was reminded of when she first sang for them, because, of course the two numbers didn’t resemble each other at all. I get the idea neither Simon nor Paula were too enamored of it, but they’ve been told to pimp, so they give muted superlatives. Ryan interviews Paris and the sound of her speaking voice makes me long for the halcyon days of Macy Gray. Or just a handful of Halcyon.

Back from the break and Ryan is talking to the girl who didn’t get the Welch’s grape juice commercial and trying to sell some phones. Her name is Sammy and she says her favorite Idol is Ace and it’s all Ryan can do not to whip around and yell, “You and me both, sister.”

Chris is up and he’s singing “I Walk the Line,” by Johnny Cash, perfect to wrap that increasingly monotone vibrato around. Barry is like, oh, that song. Great. Where’s the tanning lady?? After I hear Chris’ version of this song, I’m going to scour the internet, because I’m sure he probably cribbed it from a tribute album featuring Staind or System of a Down. Chris hasn’t got an original bone in his body.

Chris starts out shaky but then you close your eyes and you’d swear you were sitting in a bar listening to a Live tribute band. (Live- the band, though this is pretty dead on arrival.) Chris picks up the eye-boinking torch from Constantine this week and backstage, Ace is giving a pep talk to his peepers, all but threatening them with a gouging if they don’t stare soulfully into the camera for at least a minute-thirty. This is just dull and un-melodic. It’s like Paris’ performance. He’s going through the motions and it all sounds okay, but there’s no life behind it, no clue what he’s singing and no feel for anything remotely connected to the music.

Paula is all but shaving her bush in excitement, waving her imaginary lasso like Wonder Woman if she had been one of Charlie Manson’s girls. Randy says that he loves how Chris knows exactly who he is every single week. He sure does, he’s Ed Kowalcyzk. Paula is clapping like a seal and balancing her diaphragm on the end of her nose. Paula tells Chris that he stays so true to who he is and he never abandons that yet he grows and he grows every time. How does he grow, Paula, if he never leaves his little box that says late ‘90s power rocker? Simon completes the tongue bath and it’s a good thing Chris shaved his head because it just grew too big to house his hair. Ryan gives a shout out to Constantine and Ryan Cabrera in the house and tells Chris they were both rocking out during his performance. Hell, the nest of birds in Cabrera’s hair even popped out to sing along. Chris has come a long way from when he sang The First Cut is the Deepest that first day in Hollywood, and I for one wish he’d get back there.

Ugh, it’s Katharine and her spokesmodel bullshit. Ryan asks Katharine to pimp herself for a few minutes and McPhlatulence is always ready to do that. She tells us she got up this morning to see an interview with Simon by his girlfriend and Simon couldn’t remember Katharine’s name. She upbraids him for that. “After all, I’ve only been in the competition for a few weeks.” Don’t hassle the man because he’d rather forget. So would I. She says Simon called her Katharine McVee but says as long as it’s McPhever, we’re all good. Even Paris is backstage going ‘Shit, check out the ego on that honky bitch.” Katharine will be singing “Come Rain or Come Shine,” and she is so fake-showbizzy with Barry that she makes Gwyneth Paltrow look genuine. Barry’s like- See this tan, Kat? It’s more natural than you are.

Barry tells Katharine to pick someone in the audience to connect with when she’s singing the song and McFart tells us she did pick someone, but she won’t reveal who it is. Pffft- we all know you chose yourself. Duh!

Right out of the gate and McPhee has already managed to give the word “or” a slight run. Buckle up, kids, this ride gets bumpy. She does a little Slim Whitman action with her head voice/falsetto and it’s not pretty. And I got it on the money, she’s definitely singing this to herself because she isn’t making one single connection with anyone in that audience. McPhee takes us up one run, down the other, around the reservoir and through all twenty six miles of the New York marathon with the last word of the song. I think she’s still singing it, actually. Everyone always talks about how good Katharine is because she has a voice teacher for a mom, but I want to know whose idea it is every week (almost every week) for her to ruin every single performance by hanging ugly gypsy curtains all over it. Just sing the goddamn song, don’t dress it for a Quinceanera.

Randy and Paula kiss McPhee’s ass and Simon says tonight Katharine has turned into a star. She gave the same performance she’s given every week but tonight it’s just registered for him. Someone got into Paula’s coke cup.

Back from the break and McPhee is still adding a few more syllables to the word shine. Taylor Hicks is next and he decided that he would greet Barry Manilow by serenading him with “Mandy.” Barry grimaces, but is polite. Christopher Cross called him last week and warned him…

“Oh man, Barry, there’s this creepy guy from Idol who was stalking me last week. He followed me into the john and sang ‘Ride Like the Wind’ while I was trying to take a piss. I flushed the toilet to drown him out, but then he broke out the harmonica and started playing ‘Arthur’s Theme.’ I was driving home and I thought my car alarm was broken. I opened the trunk and the kid was lying in there, yelling WHOO! over and over.”

Since the theme is ‘50s night, Taylor decided to dress like Eugene, the nerdy guy from “Grease.” He’s doing the most godawful dance steps and once again, they are detracting from his performance. These aren’t his usual tics, this is something he actually thought up and choreographed and it’s dreadful. I can’t concentrate on the singing because Taylor is jittering and skipping across the stage like he’s auditioning to play Freddie the Frog in “The New Zoo Revue.” He missed a few notes and was flat here and there, but how do you critique the vocal over and above the backup singers drowning him out, the saxophone player and Taylor’s own labored breathing after running out of steam while doing a dance even Baby Bop wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole. For fuck’s sake, people- JUST SING!

Randy and Paula manage to massage Taylor’s ego while ignoring the elephant in the room- that the vocal part of the performance was kinda blah. Paula even goes so far to tell Taylor someone ought to have shot the performance (uh, sweetheart, that’s what all the cameras are there doing) to turn it into an exercise video. How many more embarrassing things have to tumble from this lush’s mouth before she gets shitcanned?
Simon tries to tell Taylor the truth, but is first booed down by the audience and then when he tells Taylor is was like some hideous party performance, Paula starts repeating, OCD-like that Simon can’t dance. Simon has to shush her a good dozen times. She’s still going on when Ryan takes the stage and he wonders aloud what has happened to his once normal family. Go to an Al-Anon meeting, Ryan, and you’ll find out. Simon is clutching a green plastic bic lighter in his hand and I’m hoping he’ll just flick it once in front of Paula’s open mouth so she’ll spontaneously combust.

After the commercial, Ryan has Lisa Tucker onstage and he asks her how she has been able to take the fact that she was in the bottom three last week and use it to strengthen her performance. She says she comes out every week and does the best she can and that’s all she can do. She’s excited about ‘50s week because she has always wanted to sing “Why Do Fools Fall in Love,” which proves she learned nothing from last week’s debacle. Lisa, you have never sounded good, but you were able to fool the audience better when you sang ballads. Stevie Wonder week was a disaster for you. Ryan asks her if she was familiar with Barry Manilow’s music before she met him. Lisa looks at him like the ‘tard she knows him to be and says “Uh yeah. Everybody knows ‘Mandy.’” Backstage, Kellie Pickler is saying to Ace, “Like duh! She’s that girl whose boyfriend I blew during Homecoming.”

Barry calls Lisa a powerhouse, but someone forgot to pay the house’s electric bill because Lisa starts off weak and shaky and never strays too far from it. Even Lisa’s own grandmother can barely muster more than a golf clap for her once it’s over. Randy is biting his lower lip which means he’s either trying to find a way to say YOU SUCK in a nice way or Paula got the munchies during the last break and stole his hoagie. Paula thinks she looks adorable and youthful and says this week is her favorite week. That means she’s back on Vicodin. Simon has learned from his Melissa McGhee mistake of two weeks ago and damns Lisa with faint praise. Lisa is definitely going home this week and that’s good.

It’s Covais time! Kevin will be singing “When I Fall in Love,” and I think he’s going to do a decent job of it. It’s a great choice from him, so unless he screws it up massively, he’s just earned himself a spot on the Idols tour.

Every time we go to Seacrest in the audience tonight, he looks more and more like Ed Sullivan, with the hunched over posture, the deadpan delivery and the hands clasped together in front of him, low.

During the rehearsals, Kevin was belting and Barry had him take it down some, exposing the vulnerability of his voice and the song. This was a huge mistake, because Kevin’s voice isn’t strong enough to sustain such a vocal. He needs to shout out his weaknesses. Already he sounds worse than he did in rehearsal. He should have belted. Still, it was no worse than Lisa Tucker and Kevin actually has a following. All Lisa has pulling for her is Timon and Pumbaa. Randy and Paula dote on him like proud parents, while Simon is catty old Uncle Arthur. Still, it will be enough to send him through another week.

My boy Elliott is up next and rocking the goatee again. Elliott says he was not a fan of Barry Manilow until he worked with him. Barry tries to teach Elliott, who is singing “Teach Me Tonight,” how to phrase words more subtly and tell a story with the song. Has Barry ever seen this show? That might go over well with me and three other people in the audience, but everyone else is just going to say it was pitchy. This show is all about runs and belting. Elliott takes Barry’s advice. The performance was good to my ear, though off in some spots because it’s a technique of singing Elliott hasn’t quite mastered but I think if he had just done it straight out, he would have won over the audience more. Using Barry’s advice is great when you have a few weeks to rehearse, not when you’re trying to win a competition judged by The Flintstones. Happily, the judges loved him and I’m really glad for that. I went back immediately after and listened to it again with my eyes closed and Elliott still didn’t tell a story with the song as Barry tried to get him to do, but I liked the song even more on the replay.

Well shucky-darn, ever’body! Slap the hogs and call me Lulu. It’s the Kellie Pickler Show! Starring Kellie Pickler, Misty Rowe, Roy Clark, Sonny Shroyer as “Enos” and Rocky Covington as “Geech.” Brought to you by proud sponsor Crisco. Crisco’ll do you proud, ever’time!

When Kellie heard it was ‘50s week, she called Grandpa up and once Mr. Haney was done using the party line, ol’ Gramps got on the horn and told Kellie she ought to do her some Patsy Cline. Kellie was excited because she didn’t know Patsy was from that era. In fact, she’s been waiting for the new Patsy Cline album to be released in stores.

Surprisingly, Manilow is not familiar with “Walkin’ After Midnight,” because there’s no such thing as a Patsy queen and Bette Midler never sung any at the baths. Pickler sounds good during rehearsals, but we all know how that turned out for Lisa Tucker.

The arrangement is horrible and you can tell Barry didn’t know the song. It sounds like Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass go country. After being told by Barry that the song is about a woman who’s sad because she’s been left by the man she loves, Pickler struts out onstage like she’s about to belt “Black Velvet.” Thick as a brick, y’all. Cue Geech and the smellhounds.

Kellie continues to sashay across the stage as though she’s trying to get enough tricks so her pimp won’t beat the shit out of her. She’s taken a Patsy Cline song and turned it into “Bad Girls.” Someone finally learned the definition of minx. She does a weird affectation with the words midnight and searching that some country singers and beauty pageant contestants do when they don’t know any better. It’s very annoying. Some parts are a’ight, some parts are flat and some are so sharp I need sutures. After the song, Kellie walks through the front row picking up dollar bills without using her hands, then hurries back to the stage to await the judges’ comments. Paula has the scariest fake smile plastered across her face and you know she’s just dying to ask how much I costs to go around the world. Randy tells her how good she was and Kellie tries to answer back but the person who has just become my new hero has turned off Kellie’s microphone. Simon tells her not to talk, just listen. This doesn’t faze Kellie, she just shouts over the din. Simon welcomes her back to the competition, then asks for change for a five. Ryan tries hard to get some cornpone schtick going, but Kellie’s like, fuck that shit, I slammed it tonight, I don’t need the Hee Haw crap.

After spending the entire decade of the ‘50s watching this crap show tonight, Ace is finally bringing it home with “In the Still of the Night.” That can only mean one thing- more falsetto. He wants to do a jazzy, urban arrangement and Barry wrinkles his nose at the idea of this. Or maybe at just at the idea of Ace.

Ryan is still vamping with the Sammy, the Welch’s brat who looks like she was fathered by Frankenberry. Talk about a five-head. Get that kid some bangs, now.

Ace takes the stage and is going to accompany himself by playing his abs. He trimmed his hair this week and left in the setting lotion. Ryan Cabrera is heaving a sigh of relief because he no longer has the worst hair-do of the night (well, worst natural hair-do. Paris always wins with whatever weave she has). Ace has some weird left side lip action happening and I’m guessing Bell’s Palsy. He keeps pointing out into the audience, probably to show us where all the ducks flying over the studio are dropping dead after hearing him sing. Ace gives us a boink-stare into the camera and we cut to a shot of a bow sliding across and up over some strings, rising, rising, rising. Metaphor, anyone?
Boyfriend strikes about six different Jesus Christ poses and I’m hoping that’s foreshadowing for the crucifying he’s gonna get from the judges for that performance. But not before he stares into the camera for another soulful retina scan. Oh yeah, Ace, do it to me. Oh yeah, baby, that cornea is so big and hard. Don’t worry about contact lenses, I’ve got protection. Ooooooh, yeaaaaaah.

Randy loves him some Ace and Paula tells Ace she counted 34 signs in the audience asking Ace to marry them. And 33 of them belong to Ryan. Paula’s starting to slur very badly, so it’s time to go. Byrd drew the short straw this week, so she’s stuck carrying Paula to her car. Simon says it wasn’t the best vocal of the evening but miles better than Ace’s performance last week. I’ll agree.

Ryan reminds us again to vote and Taylor is right next to him, having re-applied his cheek rouge and doing that dumb-assed applause-o-meter hand gesture. He looks like a complete and utter dick.

Manilow was fun tonight and the songs could have been more painful than they were. Check the sky for flying pigs, because Bucky is in my top three performances for tonight and here they are 1-11.

1- Elliott
2- Bucky
3- Mandisa
4- Chris
5- Paris
6- Kevin
7- Katharine
8- Ace
9- Kellie
10- Lisa
11- Taylor

Who should go: Lisa
Who will go: Lisa, with Kevin and either Bucky or Mandisa in the bottom three.

I did not watch the TV Guide Idol show tonight. I’ll catch it tomorrow and if there’s anything worth talking about, I’ll re-cap it along with the results show.

Seagulls out.

American Idol Extra. 3/16 Re-cap

American Idol Extra is a new behind the scenes show from Fox Reality. Your host is Ty Treadway, who used to be (still is?) a soap actor and co-helms a talk show on SoapNet with Sealy/Serta lipped actress Lisa Rinna. Treadway is backstage with Melissa McGhee immediately after last night’s Idol ouster and she’s pretty matter-of-fact about being voted off the show, saying much of what she said on the Idol broadcast about forgetting her words and such. In the background, the rest of the contestants are being led backstage. None of them even turn to look Melissa’s way or acknowledge her, and why should they? None of them have the stink of failure on them. Yes, they are stink free. At least for one more week.

I think Melissa has a great attitude. I often wonder if sometimes when you know you’re expected to be the weak link, you subconsciously do something to cause it to be true. Melissa probably knew she wasn’t going to last much longer and maybe she didn’t want to put herself through anymore torture. She seems to have made her peace with being voted off. Good luck to you.

The intro to the show is very similar to the actual Idol one, same graphics and theme song. Ty Treadway has way too much fake tan spray on and he looks like an actor from the ‘40s trying to pass as Indian. He’s joined by his two co-hosts- GOD, NO! OH, THE HORROR!!!

Folks, it’s my sad duty to report that Ty Treadway’s co-hosts are none other than Mikalah Gordon and Matt Rogers. I’m sorry. Mikalah is dyed platinum blonde and Matt Rogers is wearing a wedding ring. I always thought he was gay. Whaddya know? Mikalah has agita being back on the stage because next week would be the week she and Matt both got voted off. Ty Treadway starts blinking his eyes involuntarily at the sound of Mikalah’s voice and in addition to the fake tan spray, he’s sporting some scary, bruise colored eyeshadow. Either they are filming him with a black light or he let Melissa McGhee do his make-up because he felt sorry for her.

We get treated to a re-cap of Tuesday night’s performances (shocker!!) played in slow motion with one judge’s comment over each of the finalists. The only ones who get negatives are Kellie and Elliott, even Ace and Kevin get treated to Paula’s loopy praises. Watching Taylor and Paris twitching onstage at that speed makes them look even dorkier.

Matt Rogers was given the task of going backstage to interview the celebrities who were in the audience. He starts out with a biggie, the ubiquitous Eric Millegan from “Bones,” who imparted his vast knowledge and experience of the music business that only can come from being a sixth lead on a bomb Fox drama that needs some pimping of its own. This guy isn’t exactly dreamboat material, so I don’t think anyone will take a look at him and go- wow, I need to watch Bones!! Millegan was also shilling Tuesday night on the TV Guide channel show and apparently is available for bris’ and bat mitzvahs if anyone is interested. Tori Spelling is also there, taking the night off from home-wrecking, as is John Peter Lewis, who later snuck back into one of the dressing rooms when no one was looking so he’d have a place to bunk for the night. Lance Bass is there, as well, and Matt Rogers gets pretend-gay on him. Lance says the judges are usually right in their criticism, so let’s not make him a candidate to replace Paula. Matt asks Tori who she thinks will win, who’s her “horse,” an unfortunate choice of word when interviewing the former Donna Martin. She says the last four singers were the strongest; Brandon, Brenda, Dylan and Kelly. Matt never wound up encountering any real celebrities, but then he’s Matt Rogers and who wants to talk to him?

Talk about fake celebrities, Nikki McKibbin, looking very demure but not allowed anywhere near the actual Idol stage for fear of bad luck, is doing taped trivia questions probably back in her hometown. Her first question is:

Justin Guarini has a famous cousin. Is it… Denzel Washington, Brian Austin Green, Samuel L. Jackson or Vin Diesel?

I don’t know and only three of those people are famous, but we’ll have to wait to come back from the break to find out.

We’re back and the answer is Samuel L. Jackson. I wonder how many removed he is. Probably not nearly enough according to Sam. Do you think Guarini called him up and begged to sing the theme song for “Snakes on a Plane?”

Ty Treadway is sitting down with vocal coach to the contestants, Deborah Byrd. She tells him “You must call me Byrd.” Sure thing, doll, but you must tell me why half the contestants suck. Ty asks Byrd about Melissa forgetting the words and Byrd talks about how she drummed the word “premonition” into Melissa’s head over and over and over after she forgot it in rehearsal. Yeah, that won’t make someone focus on their fuck-up or anything. Ty wants to know how much of an influence Byrd has on helping the contestants choose their songs. She says she tries to gear them toward artists that have similar tones as that particular contestant. In Kevin’s case, she found a rare copy of “Daffy Duck Sings the Hits.” However, Byrd is not allowed to come out and tell the contestants what they should or should not sing. She cites Clay Aiken as someone who constantly would ask her if a particular song was right for him, but she was banned from telling him straight out yes or no.

Byrd talks about nerves and performing on such a big stage, the stress of choosing the right song… She says the first day on the new stage, she takes all the contestants up and makes them walk across, getting used to the size and scope of it. She sounds pretty cool and I hope we get to hear more from her in the weeks to come. It’s too bad someone like her can’t be a judge.

Matt Rogers is in some green room with the cast of Fox’s newest one season flop sitcom, “The Loop.” I watched 10 minutes of this thing last night and erased it from my Tivo, never to be seen again. I did the same thing with “The New Adventures of Old Christine,” which was even worse. I don’t really care what five 20-something no-name actors and the first ex-Mrs. Tom Cruise have to say about American Idol. Now if Mimi Rogers was gonna dish about the marriage, I’m all ears. Instead, Matt asks Mimi what she thinks of Simon Cowell and keeps pulling the microphone away from her to ask another question before she can finish her previous answer. I think I may be ready for Mikalah. He then asks Eric Christian Olsen a question, but the camera never seems to find the boy’s head. We see a shoulder, and that’s it. He calls Bret Harrison “Ted”, asks more questions he doesn’t wait for answers to; at this point Kim Caldwell is looking like Diane Sawyer.

We’re only 20 minutes into the show (moaaaaannnnn). Ty Treadway is back with Justin Guarini, newly shorn hair and a new album he’s releasing independently. We see him in the studio laying down the vocal for “My Funny Valentine.” Justin says the biggest thing he learned from his Idol experience is that you have to have a very clear idea of what you want to do as an artist, because if you don’t, then someone is going to come in and make you do what they want. Like “From Justin to Kelly?” He now calls himself an entertainer-slash- entrepreneur. He’s in the Justin Guarini business, y’all. Probably cause no one else wants to be. It’s a jazz standards album. Justin says he wanted to do this kind of album because everybody knows these songs. Everyone knows “My Funny Valentine.” Umm, 1/3 of the contestants Tuesday night didn’t even know Stevie Wonder.

Matt Rogers is back and interviewing the cast of Melissa McGhee’s family. Mama McGhee said she thought her daughter got voted off because of her lyric flub and I’m starting to get tired of this excuse. It’s not as if she started speaking in tongues during the damn song. Matt tells her that she should be proud, her daughter has a lot of opportunities and doors open to her. Mom gives him a look that says- So she can be here in two years interviewing other losers like you? Melissa shows up and gives all the family members hugs. Great televisionzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Matt asks Melissa a question and with her family so close, she finally breaks down and starts crying. Matt assures her that this is the first day of the rest of her life. Advice like that would make me want to take up drinking.

Trach-boy Anthony Federov has a trivia question for us and does not look happy to be spilling it. Which two winners of AI were never in the bottom three? I know that one- Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood. I liked Anthony. Do you think Carrie has any time for him now that she’s a star and he’s Mrs. Norman Maine?

We see a pre-taped segment with Bo Bice and watch as he records his album and shoots his music video. Bo puts a positive spin on his post-Idol experience, never alluding to just what a soul crushing period it must have been. He talks about being happy having celebrity status because it means he can do things like help out Katrina victims. He’s going to use all the unsold copies of “The Real Thing,” to re-shingle all the roofs. I love Bo, I was a huge fan of his last season and I’m truly sorry for his health problems and how disappointing his CD must have been for him.

Mikalah Gordon is finally with us, getting a manicure (seriously) while spilling all the latest Idol news. Mikalah never got to go to her prom because post-Idol her schedule was too busy. My guess is she got a whiff of the pig’s blood practical joke her fellow students were planning to pull. Here are some of Mikalah’s breaking news items.

1-Kimberly Locke is Lane Bryant’s new spokesperson.
2-Josh Gracin is currently on tour (and coincidentally, shops at Lane Bryant)
3-George Huff is doing a benefit concert for something (probably George Huff)
4-Amy Adams will be starring as the narrator along with Patrick Cassidy in a tour of Joseph &The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. No word on whether dinner is included with the price of the ticket or sold separately.

Back from the break and we’re interviewing Melissa McGhee for the third time in one hour. She’s now had more screen time on this show than on American Idol total. We get to see Melissa’s initial audition in front of the judges and she sings a wobbly “Can’t Fight the Moonlight.”

Treadway brings up the whole “premonition” scandal and bets Melissa will never forget the word now. She agrees, even though she says she has no idea what it means. The poor thing. I live in LA, so I know firsthand that the city outlawed all use of dictionaries, both in book form and on the internet, so it’s understandable she’d sing a lyric without knowing what one of the words meant. NOW I believe that she was a beauty pageant contestant. Melissa says she never listened to Stevie Wonder, but also cried when she met him. She then makes more excuses about her sore throat. I’ve heard more than enough from this one. She goes on to say (about the missed word) that after her performance, the rest of the contestants tried to make her feel better and told her that she handled the flub well, that if it had been them, they would have fallen apart onstage. Well, everyone but Paris, who is so perfect that she never makes mistakes.

Treadway asks Melissa who she’ll miss most of the contestants and she says the person is already gone, that being Heather Cox. My guess is she had little success in getting Lisa Tucker to go out to trashy bars with her in a tube top and Heather was all for it.

This segment is in two parts and we’re now looking back at Melissa’s journey. AUUUUUUUUGHHHH!! Over the montage they play, replay and play some more Melissa’s off-key acapella rendition of “Can’t Fight the Moonlight” and by the third go-round, I’m BEGGING to hear “Bad Day,” by that whiny guy who’s related to Susan Powter. Melissa tells Ty that before Idol, she didn’t think a career in music was feasible, but now so many doors are open (what did I tell you about listening to Matt Rogers??) she thinks she’ll be able to go far in music. I agree. If she could just have half the career of Christina Christian or Jim Verraros or EJ Day or Nikki McKibbin, Ryan Starr, AJ Gill, Ricky Smith, Charles Grigsby, Vanessa Olivarez, The Professor and Mary Ann…well, I’m optimistic.

I’m less optimistic about this show. It’s also on probation, as far as re-caps go. We’ll see how next week shapes up. Until Tuesday, Seagulls out.

Kevin is Your Heaven. AI Re-cap 3/15

Re-cap time for the results show and it feels like I was just sitting here doing this. Oh yeah, five hours ago, I was. Half hour tonight, so this should be fast.

The bland on the run are lined up onstage. Ace is emotionless until he knows the camera is on him, then he breaks into a big, sincere smile. Someone cast this cherub in a bus and truck tour of “Annie,” immediately. Simon can play Miss Hannigan. Paris looks like the Zuni fetish doll from “Trilogy of Terror.” McPhee is trying for the title of naughty little minx this week with her shoulder bearing gown. And Bucky looks sickly. America, this is your top twelve.

Ryan is tieless tonight and looks as though he had a spa day. He tells America they cast 32 ½ million votes and sells it like he’s singing Mammy. He says it’s even more incredible, since it was in one night. Yeah, but Ryan, that’s because all the contestants were on in one night. It’s actually a drop of 10 million votes from last week. Does that mean everyone who left last week got 2 ½ million votes? Ryan introduces the Top 12 again on the couches and Taylor does some jerk-ass hand movement thing which I’m sure he thought was charming. I guess it’s a WHOO thing. Seacrest greets the judges and Simon is not wearing a sweater tonight. I have to say the button down thing lessens his ick factor by half.

Back from a break and we see the first Ford Idol commercial of the season. McPhee does not look flattering in a sheriff’s uniform. And Ace is wearing the pelt of his last john before Idol took him off the streets. Stevie Wonder is in the house tonight and Ryan asks him what he thought of the Idols when he worked with them. Stevie tries to be both honest and diplomatic, but inferring mightily that, though he is blind, he could spot better talent from a mile away. Stevie is singing a song from his new album and I feel about him the way I do about Elton John. Neither has recorded a song I could even be forced to listen to since the mid ‘80s. I’m skipping through it, but mad props to my man Stevie for not falsely gushing about the talents of this rank bunch. Stevie gets a standing ovation and all the idols look thrilled except for Chris, who still doesn’t get it.

Ryan gets right to the voting results and starts with Ace and Kevin. One of the two of them is in the bottom three. Surprisingly, but deservedly, it’s Ace. I’m happy people have gotten tired of his shit. I don’t think he’s going home, but it’s a good ego knocker for him. Kevin is terrible, but last night he was much better than Ace. I didn’t even think he gave one of the bottom three performances. I thought Ace, Kellie and Lisa stunk up the joint way worse than he did. Paula is upset. She barks several times that she doesn’t get it. That’s cool, baby. We don’t get 99% of the shit that you come up with, either. Randy and Simon say they are surprised that Ace is in the bottom three, but neither seems too broken up about it.

Back from the break and we go to Paris. She is safe. We cut to her family in the audience and I now see where she gets her sense of style. Three women in the row and they look like live action versions of the Hair Bear Bunch. Kellie is safe, which means her country schtick is still suckering America. She turns to Paris and hugs her, celebrating. Ryan moves on to Taylor, seated next to Kellie. She is still hugging Paris and making noise, so Taylor taps her on the back to let her know it’s his turn, quit hogging the attention. I would think he’d be glad she was pushed over so he could have extra room to WHOO and hug himself when he hears he’s safe. Chris is safe and gets a huge reaction from the crowd. I guess no one remembers the Chili Peppers. We get to Elliott and Melissa and between the two of them, Melissa is in the bottom three. No surprise there. And I won’t shed a tear for her. She hasn’t done much to excite me and after not even being able to read off of a lyric sheet properly in front of a blind man- she needs to go. Even better, my man Elliott is safe. Lisa is in the bottom three and I couldn’t be happier. Except for Pickler’s country ass still sitting up there, I think America got it right, for once. Ryan says he’ll send someone back to safety after the break.

Ryan sends Ace back to the couches and I have to say, I was really hoping he’d be the one to leave. I think it would have made for a much more interesting show. But I’m fairly sure it will be Melissa. And it is. Oh well, I called it, but I’m not jumping for joy. We had a chance to clear out some stinky deadwood and we cut the least lousy of the three. We look back on Melissa’s journey, because, you know, AI is all about journeys. Melissa sings her song, and no advice from the judges. She gets through one verse and the show is over before she can finish. And I’d say that’s a fitting end to one of the most forgettable AI contestants ever.

Mel, babe, we hardly knew ya.

I Just Called to Say I'm Nauseous. AI Re-cap 3/14

First off, apologies for this being less timely than usual. I was out very late last night and couldn’t deal with doing three hours of re-caps. But now I’m fresh as a daisy and ready to tear a few new assholes. Gimme the ball.

A’ight, so dude, so what’s goin’ down? Well, I’m here to tell you- it’s a new show to be done weekly before each episode of Idol. A sort of pre-show, if you will, hosted by Kimberly Caldwell, a finalist from Season 2, and some chick named Rosanna Tavarez, as her south of the border Ryan Dunkleman. The show is called “Idol Tonight,” and it’s on the TV Guide Channel. You know, that channel that has original programming, only it has to share the screen with an ever-scrolling list of what’s on television. When a network only gives you half a screen to begin with, how good can the show be? We’re about to find out.

Kimberly Caldwell is soooo excited to be here (insert obvious joke). It only takes her half a minute before she subtly reminds us that she was once a contestant, a finalist, on Idol. Let’s see how many times she tries to drop that into the conversation while hosting. I’ll be doing a running count. So far we’re at (1). Ah, okay, Rosanna Tavarez was the winner of the WB’s Pop Star. I guess we see how far THAT gig took her. She looks like she models herself after a young Melissa Rivers. Well, I suppose someone had to. (2) I think Kim and Ro’s mikes must be hand props because they are screaming into them. There’s a huge crowd of people waiting to get into the studio to watch the show and from the looks of them, I’m guessing they were giving out free Idol tickets with every Gordita Value Meal at Taco Bell. The gals start with a (what else) re-cap of the Top 12 contestants and they’re a little slow on the uptake, because they have no clips from last week’s shows. Not that I’m complaining, cause those shows sucked and it’s nice to remember the contestants when they sounded decent. Oh, wait… Scratch that. There’s Paris getting all bug-eyed, doing the crab dance and trying not to give us a jail-bait titty shot. Oh, right, she’s also kind of singing “Midnight Train to Georgia.” God, I had just about flushed that from my consciousness. Thanks, rotten TV Guide Channel. The montage of Ace shows him in the exact same position for each song, which is a head waggle, body slightly hunched over, right hand pressing gently against his heart, to make sure it’s still beating and that Ryan hasn’t stolen it away. Lisa Tucker sounds even worse and more flat in her re-caps.

Our first has-been, I mean special guest star, is from Season 3, John Peter Lewis. Kimberly screams some more and JP seems surprised anyone remembers him. JP likens being back on Idol to a high school reunion. You’re not on Idol, hon, you’re standing outside of it on the TV Guide Channel. While you’re speaking, tens of thousands of people are trying to decide if they want to watch Jeopardy or that episode of the Andy Griffith Show where Aunt Bea is beaten up and robbed on her way home from church. Kimberly reminds him she graduated a year before him (3). Someone please get Ms. Caldwell into Radio Shack, cause girlfriend needs a new volume button. Scream, scream, scream. Rosanna asks JP to give the Top 12 guys some advice, cause, you know, they watch the show. JP tells them to be true to themselves. Ryan Seacrest is watching backstage on a monitor and silently sends up a prayer that Ace takes this advice to heart. The gals ask JP what he’s up to these days and we find out that JP’s album will be out in a couple months and he’s going to be touring. Just the way he says it, you know he’s exaggerating the facts just a bit to not appear as a total loser. Not lying, per se, but making it sound just a wee bit better than it really is. K&R harangue the poor guy into dancing for them and I finally get a look at Caldwell’s outfit, a white Love Boat uniform vest, a blue bustier, black suspenders and my Uncle Morty’s Haband slacks. I know all I need to know about this dame and all I can say is it’s gonna be a long 11 weeks.

We’re back and it’s only 10 minutes into the show. Caldwell’s voice will never make it. The gals and JP discuss Chris Daughtry. They love him. Then we go to Paris. They comment about how wonderful her hair is. If you love it so much, you can order it out of a catalog. JP says Paris has an incredible voice and I can see what kind of show this is going to be and I’m not going to recap it if they aren’t going to get snarky. They keep going to Rosanna Tavarez to find someone in the crowd who likes Paris. Rosie slips a couple folks a sawbuck or two and they try and lie their way through some compliments. Maybe they were promised some favor from Jesus.

Kimberly asks JP why everyone loves Ace so much and Lewis tells us he’s heterosexual, but he’s attracted to Ace. Kimberly brays into the fake mike and says she thinks Simon is attracted to Ace, also. Notice- no mention of Ryan.

Back from the break and Rosanna is interviewing Roger Love, a vocal coach. Roger is being as slightly snarky as the show will allow him. He says Katharine needs to find songs that will help her find her own style. Of Taylor, he says people love imperfection and Taylor is taking it to an art form. I’m already nominating him as new host of Idol Tonight. Caldwell interviews three fat chicks who WHOO it up for their boy Taylor. She asks the middle one if she’d like to go out on a date with Taylor and homegirl stops munching on her Gordita long enough to go “Yeah, that would be…great.” But not as great as sour cream and beef.

Kimberly manages to pick a total gay boy to talk about the virtues of Kellie Pickler. Talk about not knowing your audience! This kid is screaming worse than Jm J. Bullock and she’s asking him why he likes Kellie. He wants to wear her like a mink.

This show is so dreadful. If I were watching it live, I would have turned to the PTL Club, which I see was playing last night at the same time (Thanks, TV Guide Channel!!) for a good laugh. They talk about Mandisa and say all good things. Then they discuss Elliott and show a clip of him singing “Heaven.” Caldwell makes the following statement.

“You know, even with such a cool song, he still manages to pull it off and sound really great.”

I’m just curious, how long did this moron last on Idol? And did anyone just haul off and belt her one during the season?

Ugh, back from commercial and we’re with Shawna Malcom from TV Guide, who is probably here to personally deliver pink slips to both Kimberly and Rosanna. They discuss Lisa Tucker and Shawna says Lisa has an inner rock chick and has been writing rock songs for years and really wants to get to perform them out here. Well, I’m up for a laugh, so why not? That girl is about as rock chick as Katharine McPhee is a soul diva.
God, TV Guide is sooo pimping Lisa. Okay, now we’re on to Bucky and this should be good. Shawna has interviewed Bucky and he is so genuine and down to earth. He told her he wakes up every morning and goes “Where am I?” Shawna, honey, it’s obvious from your outfit and hairstyle that you’re a wee bit sheltered. We’ll explain it to you later. Kimberly is with a Bucky fan, some middle aged moo with a hand painted sign that says “We Love Bucky ‘Tea Biscuit” Covington.” Huh? Moo woman goes on to explain that Bucky’s favorite foods are sweet tea and biscuits. Umm, here’s a tip, Bucky fans. If you’re trying to help your boy advance, it’s probably not a good idea to give him a nickname that so closely resembles resting someone’s scrotum on your face.

We’re treated to a shot of Melissa from last week. The poor thing looks like someone’s left her cake out in the rain. With all that make-up and hair wilting, she looks even worse than I remembered. John Peter Lewis is back and he and Kimberly are trying very hard to find something nice to say about Kevin Covais. Since they can’t, they go to the audience and find a mother-daughter team that I wish I had a screen cap of. Mom has her blouse half undone, with a red and platinum Tiffany Taylor hair-do and her daughter wants to marry Kevin Covais. Hey everyone, free Idol audience tickets with every WIC check!!

We’re coming to the end and we’ve been being promised some never before seen footage of Simon trashing the singers, but first it’s Steve Buscemi’s illegitimate son, Eric Millegan from a show no one watches called “Bones,” who’s probably there because they couldn’t get the second kid from that Michael Rapaport sitcom to appear. So the promised footage is not of Simon, but of the countless rejects complaining to the camera during the audition process. I hate the TV Guide Channel and this show sucks. No more re-caps of it. On to the real show.


Ryan is in the barn and he’s wearing another tie. He pimps the new surroundings and then takes us on a “journey” of all the idols so far. Wow, didn’t see that one coming. I’ve been on this journey so many times, I no longer need to leave breadcrumbs to find my way out. I HATE this time wasting shit. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to get nostalgic for the journey if we take a rest stop every mile and reminisce about it??
I’m cranky because this is late and the TV Guide channel put me in a bitchy mood and Kimberly Caldwell isn’t around to verbally abuse and I miss Ayla and I’m moody. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Is it me or does every Idol coming out of the audition room look fake and coached? Now that I’ve gotten to know them (figuratively), I don’t buy these tears. I want to get down to the bottom of Chris’ marriage. He’s 26, he married an older woman with two kids, who is, to put it nicely, a smidge frumpy, and he freaks out when another man touches him. Something doesn’t track. I wanna put Seacrest on the case.

Ryan introduces “your top 12.” Uh, they aren’t my top 12, kid. Best in show parade across the stage and they go by too fast for me to see the full on results of the makeovers, but I do see that Kevin and Taylor have different hairstyles. I guess Hicks is going to have to start keeping fruit in that Tupperware bowl he was using as a haircut guideline. Ryan intros the judges and Randy is still missing two fingers, Paula’s eyes have a warm honey glaze over them and Simon, as usual, is looking sideways, trying to gauge Paula’s level of incompetence. Ryan asks Paula how this year’s contestants differ from years past and she tries to answer the question as though this isn’t the 504th time it’s been asked. She has nothing of value to say, which leaves me to notice that the man sitting behind her looks like the dad from “Good Times.” Randy is definitely packing on the pounds. That lap band has to have broken by now. Simon gets asked how he thinks the 12 will cope with theme night. He clichés it up and Ryan says tonight is very special, because we’re here to honor the music of the legendary Stevie Wonder. You mean as opposed to the last three weeks when, with the exception of Elliott, you pissed all over it?

So we see a montage of photos of Stevie in action and Taylor Hicks furiously scribbling notes so he can copy some of the poses. Then we see Wonder led into a studio where the 12 serenade him with “Ma Cherie Amour.” Blindness is the only thing keeping him from turning around and running for the door. Kellie Pickler is crying because she thinks she’s going to have to sleep with him to be allowed to stay, since that’s how it’s usually done in her house. Chris could care less and looks bored. Elliott is crying, also, but I believe his tears. Katharine can’t wait to show Stevie how black she is on the inside. Stevie says one line and sounds like he’s on death’s door. I know he’s only 55, so does anyone know- is he sickly? If so, he better not listen to tonight’s show. I’m healthy and I’m already fearing for my immune system.

We’re starting with Ace, who is singing “Do I Do.” Okay, Ace, fine, don’t listen to me. He rubs Stevie’s back and tells Wonder the song was written when Ace was 2 years old. Stevie’s like- why are you touching me?- and Ace forgets that he doesn’t have to play with older men like he did when he first moved to Los Angeles. Best not to get too out of practice, though, Ace. You’ll probably need the skill again by December. Ace goes on to tell us that not only is Stevie battling blindness, but he’s battling life. And to illustrate this point, he touches his eye, as though to wipe a tear, and then looks at the finger, which leads me to believe he was clearing away an eye booger.

Ace comes out and is gayer than an Ungaro Spring frock. He tries to ape Mario’s movements from last season, but keeps that hand checking back in with his flat, washboard abs, since that’s his ticket. How many weeks before he starts pulling up that shirt? Now I see why Ace always gets so breathy. He can’t sing at all, otherwise. This song is much too low for his range and the notes are practically popping from his mouth surrounded by stink lines. I swear, if he’s the father of Katharine’s baby, she’s going to give birth to a 10 lb jar of Hellman’s mayonnaise. Ace finishes and we cut back to a shot of him, jazz hands out, shaking with adrenaline… or something. The audience goes apeshit until Randy Yo, yo’s them. Randy says it’s just a’ight, dawg and gets booed. Hey, he’s keepin’ it real. Paula, proving again she doesn’t know shit, loved it. Simon says Ace is lucky that the audience is easily pleased. He says it was manic and Ryan soul brother shakes his hand. Ace pimps himself to the audience and the ego is off and running.

Pickler is next and she says she’s not that familiar with Stevie Wonder’s music. Then why the fuck were you crying, you fake bitch?? She asks Stevie Wonder if he can tell she’s country and he tells her he thought she was from England. Dumb as a bag of rocks thought he was serious and was about to ask him what he thought of her outfit before they cut away. She’s singing “Blame it On the Sun,” and Stevie tries to soft soap it and says if Kellie works hard, she’ll be pretty good. Stevie fucking hates her and Kellie has no idea what to do, because she can’t rely on her body to get a man onto her side.

Kellie is flat on every end note. Every single one. If she weren’t so fucking clueless, you’d think she was doing it on purpose, it’s so precise. I do not want to hear this bitch complain about the genre, because this song couldn’t have been arranged better to fit her “style” than if the Dixie Chicks recorded it. It’s not like she’s singing “I Wish.” But you know the judges are gonna let her squeak by. She knows she sucked, so she’s trying to put on the dumb blonde thing. Randy does not like it, so Kellie Hee Haws it up. Kellie, shut the fuck up and let the judges talk. Ooh, the judges are being harsh. However, they know they can do it because Kellie has a fan base and it makes them look like they aren’t pimping. However, what’s the point when they have Seacrest take her over to have a chat so she can do her down home Minnie Pearl routine in order to regain some of her stature? Can’t they just let this dim bulb suck and leave the stage? Why does it always have to be a fucking Mandrell Sisters sketch afterwards? Ryan tells Kellie not to feel bad that Simon criticized her outfit, saying he isn’t much of a fashionista, himself. Pickler just shrugs, since she doesn’t know what that means. She points out her new eyelashes, probably made of minx. “I have fake eyelashes!” she brays. Perfect. They’ll match the rest of you. You know, that just steams the fuck out of me. The girl cannot sing. Her fucking pimp session was longer than her song. This is BULLSHIT!

Elliott is up next and I need to cleanse the palate and calm down before I watch him. His video with Stevie is truly touching and he already sounds amazing. Stevie had great things to say about him and they felt genuine, unlike with Pickler where you know he was thinking- she’s gotta have great tits, cause why else is she here? Elliott is singing “Knocks Me off My Feet” from Songs in the Key of Life. It’s not that exciting of a song, but Elliott is almost completely flawless, vocally. He gets better and better as the song goes on and this more than makes up for his misstep last week. They really need to just get rid of everyone else and do 11 weeks of Elliott and Mandisa. And the judges are assholes once again. Good but not great, no originality, last week was better. Just come out and say it- he’s not one of your pimp picks, so no matter what he does, it’s not going to be good enough. Ryan comes out and barely says a thing to Elliott, since we took up so much fucking time pimping that Pickler bitch and instead asks Simon what needs to be seen. Simon says everyone so far has missed the “wow” factor. Hmm… well, I disagree. I said wow to Ace and Kellie, as in “Wow, how the fuck are you two still in this competition?” And I said wow to Elliott, as in “Wow, you totally showed everyone what a real singer does.” Here’s another one. “Wow, Simon, you continue to shoot the good people down and pimp the ones you want to fuck. How much longer are you gonna get away with that?”

We’re back with Mandisa and she complains that her feet are killing her because her shoes hurt. Seacrest offers to take the shoes off Mandisa. Honey, you ain’t never gonna see those pumps again. Mandisa’s time with Stevie was nice and he seemed to like her. I am not thrilled with her song choice “Don’t You Worry ‘Bout a Thing.” I think it’s suited better to Paris’ limited talents and will not show off Mandisa’s full range. Again, should have listened to me. She would have torn it up on “For Once in My Life” or “Do I Do.” Well, let’s see. Bad beginning. The song is much too low for her range and she’s shaky and off-key all over the place. Mandisa, dammit!! Bad choice. She starts getting louder and it sounds better. She brings it home nicely, but overall, not a great performance. The judges love her and, like last week with Elliott, even when it’s someone I really like, if the praise isn’t deserved, I can’t truly be happy for them.
Ryan brings Mandisa’s shoes in with him, gives them to her, then takes them back and throws them into the audience. During the commercial, he scrambles into the first three rows and retrieves them. Hey, free shoes are free shoes.

Bucky is up next and he’s singing “Superstition.” This ought to be good. For a laugh. Bucky has never owned, or even heard, a Stevie Wonder album, but was turned onto “Superstition” and now wants to buy all of Stevie’s albums. He’ll probably start with the soundtrack to The Woman in Red cause there’s a hot piece on the cover. Bucky sings for Stevie and gets some constructive criticism. Anything other than “Leave the business, mush-mouth,” would be less than honest. Stevie tells Bucky when he gets excited, he goes a little sharp. Bucky’s going to work on that as if he knows what going sharp is.

Bucky’s new hair-do is a hair-don’t, but he sounds better than I could have ever expected. Stay out of the high end and you’ll be okay. Oops. I don’t think Bucky is ever going to have a week where you say- Man, that was good! But, like a retarded child, if they manage to put away the paste without eating half the jar, you’re pleased. Bucky just licked the outside of the lid tonight. Randy and Paula enjoyed the performance, while totally side-stepping the actual singing. Simon says it was Bucky’s best, but nix the Jessica Simpson hair. Indeed! Ryan makes a dumber than batshit hair extension joke and is so proud of himself, he can barely get the phone number out without giggling. I miss Dunkleman. Bucky laughs as though he has clue one as to what’s going on.

Ryan introduces Melissa McGhee as the girl who beat Ayla to the last spot on the girls’ side as though he can’t even believe it. Don’t remind me. She got her hair streaked and the make-up is toned down and even with a stylist, I still don’t get how this one was ever in a beauty pageant. Well, maybe Miss Lucky 2006. Melissa says she doesn’t feel like a superstar, but that she’s on a rollercoaster she doesn’t wanna get off of. Too bad. Again, she’s whining about vocal problems, cushioning us for what’s about to come next. We see her video and the dumb bitch manages to mess up Stevie’s lyric while holding the fucking lyric sheet in her hand and reading off of it. Even Pickler isn’t that stupid. Stevie totally calls her out on it and I’m surprised he didn’t take off his dark glasses and hand them to her. Melissa will be singing “Lately,” singing a ballad for the first time and wearing a dress for the first time. Maybe she won’t suck for the first time, either. She is wayyyyyyyy off-key and is fucking up the words left and right. I have to say, mid-point through the song, she does improve and manages to stay on-key through the rest of it. Not the worst vocal of the evening (Ace, Kellie) but pretty dull. I think the dullness will be her undoing, even though there are worse who should go before her (Ace, Kellie). Randy calls her out on the lyric fuck-up, but says she did a good job, vocally. Paula starts out with fashion advice, so you know she’s three sheets to the wind. Paula messes up some lyrics of her own and needs Randy’s help in pronouncing the word premonition. Simon says it was her best performance yet and Melissa apologizes again for messing up the lyrics. Moron.

Lisa Tucker is up next. I need to lie down for this, so I don’t pass out from boredom. Stevie Wonder can already tell that Natalie Cole doing the music of Doris Day has more soul than Lisa Tucker and asks her what kind of songs she likes to sing. She says “Whitney,” as though that’s an actual genre of music. Whitney is a crack ho, doll, she’s not a style of music. Stevie can’t stand hearing Lisa butcher his own songs anymore, so he makes her sing “I Am Nothing.” Unfortunately, Lisa will be torturing us with “Signed, Sealed, Delivered.” This performance takes the “Katharine McPhlatulence” award of the week (though to be fair, its namesake hasn’t yet performed), which is an award given to a white girl who thinks she has soul, and foolishly proceeds to attempt a song way out of her range and bleed it dry of any funk. What? You say Lisa is black? Are you sure? Really? Huh. Well, I guess that makes it even worse.

The judges have a new gal on the street. Park her on the corner of Sunset and What the Fuck, because she is being pimped like mad. Simon, once again proving he knows dick, says it was the best performance of the night and that Lisa took control of the stage. Umm, her feet didn’t move from the spot she planted them in from the first note.

This show is taking way too long and now I’m in a worse mood than before. Thankfully, Kevin Covais is up next and I can take my aggression out on his untalented ass. I just realized that when you just listen to Kevin speak and don’t look at him, he sounds a lot like Mike Teavee from the original (and good) version of Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. Kev has a new hairdo and a new ego to go with it. I guess he forgot the only reason he’s still here is a combination of cruelty and pity. Kevin points out that a lot of people have signs for him in the audience. And to punish that ego, Ryan has two of the sign makers come and present their billboard to Kevin. The girls are 11 and 5 and their sign says, among other things, Chicken Little Rocks. Still feeling cocky, Kevster?

Kevin is singing “Part Time Lover” and we see Stevie interacting with him. With more than a hint of smirk, Stevie says that Kevin has an “interesting” voice. Kevin actually sounds better than he has the whole competition. That doesn’t make him good, just less embarrassingly bad. Though watching him scramble across the stage like a bow-legged hen kind of cancels that out. Randy and Paula say that Kevin sang well and in tune, but Simon says it was appalling. I disagree. There were definitely worse performances (Ace, Kellie). Kevin back talks Simon and I see we have a new Scott Savol on our hands. Simon is not happy and look for no good words for Covais from him for the rest of the competition. That being said, Kevin definitely managed to land himself a spot in next week’s lineup.

Katharine McPhee is up next, wearing a dress from the original Stepford Wives wardrobe. No more jeans for her. They are trying to hide that fat ass. Katharine says that she would most like to work with Stevie Wonder out of anyone else in the business, which you know is a lie, because the person she most wants to work with is herself. McPhlatulence is singing another Aretha song, “Until You Come Back to Me,” because, as we all know, she interprets Re Re with such power and feeling and honesty. Get out your white bread, kids, cause here’s McFart. Looking at the material for Kat’s dress, I’m guessing some Armenian family must have gotten robbed of their drapes this week. Well, grudgingly I’ll say it’s the first time I didn’t hate her, ever. She still reminds me of Marie Osmond without the funk. Randy overpraises her, wildly. Paula follows suit and Simon pimp pimp pimp pimp pimps her. He compares her to Kelly Clarkson. NOT. Still, as much as it pains me to say, technically it was one of the better performances tonight. And Lisa Tucker handily wins the McPhlatulence tonight.

Taylor is up next and I don’t know if I have the energy for his bullshit. Stevie gives him lip service, but you can see him trying not to laugh while Taylor is singing. Tics will be singing “Living For the City.” He lets the backup singers do the lion’s share of the actual singing, while he yeahs and whoos and spazzes out. The band is drowning him out so loudly, I can barely hear any normal vocals. I’m still not buying his bullshit. None of the judges are actually addressing the vocals, probably because they couldn’t hear them. Instead they are talking about the fun of the performance. Paula hoists her coke cup and sees she finished off her gin three songs ago and smacks it back down on the table. Taylor is getting the full pimp talk show treatment with Seacrest.

Paris is next and I just can’t do it. Stevie likens her to a young Fantasia, as though that’s a compliment. Paris fakes some more tears and really needs to never leave the house again without makeup. Paris is singing “All I Do,” and tonight is wearing her Rudy Huxtable wig. She still can’t dress worth a damn, but her vocal has improved from past weeks. She’s better on the slow part than the more up-tempo sections, but I think that’s because she insists on doing her own version of the bobo. Oh, god, her ending stunk out loud, but for the most part, half-way decent. The judges love her up and pump air into that ego. Ryan comes out to interview her but apparently Miss Ross isn’t finished singing. She acapellas it instead of answering the questions, and gives a shout out to all her fans and the judges. I think Christina Crawford said it best- “I’m not one of your fans.”

Chris Daughtry is last. He had no idea Higher Ground was a Stevie Wonder song, he thought the Red Hot Chili Peppers wrote it. I swear these kids today have no knowledge of musical history. They don’t know anything before Madonna. Chris keeps putting his foot in his mouth by referencing the Peppers in front of Stevie and I wonder (no pun intended) if he knows how rudely that comes off.

It was a’ight. Better than last week and sounded decent. Chris just doesn’t excite me the way he used to, vocally. Randy, the moron, tells Chris he found a way to make the song his own, forgetting that 2 minutes ago they were just discussing the Chili Peppers version of the song that Chris pretty much lifted part and parcel. Randy says he was worried that Chris wouldn’t pull it off. Paula says she never worries, and why should she with a fifth of Seagram’s warming her insides? Simon calls it the only real world performance of the evening, whatever the hell that is and can imagine Chris having a hit with it. He did 14 years ago, Simon, in the guise of The Red Hot Chili Peppers. Are these judges on their cell phones during the video segments? Simon says Chris took a risk. Yeah, sure.

Okay, that was a fucking hell of a chore. No more two-hour shows!! My ranking from 1-12.

1- Elliott
2- Chris
3- Katharine
4- Mandisa
5- Kevin
6- Bucky
7- Paris
8- Taylor
9- Melissa
10- Lisa
11- Kellie
12- Ace

Who should go: Ace or Kellie
Who will go: Hard to say, because the three usual suspects all did better than expected. I’d still have to go with Melissa simply because I think her fan base is smaller. Dark horse is Lisa.

Again, I apologize for the lateness to all of you who emailed me or posted on other sites wondering where the re-cap was. Thanks for your patience and I hope it was worth it.

Seagulls out.